Re:Beginning: A Job-Filled Reincarnation
Crimster
Chapter 16: Re:Beginning: A Job-Filled Reincarnation | Chapter Sixteen: What Does One Do With Unending Guilt and The Greyrat's Child
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Re:Beginning: A Job-Filled Reincarnation | Chapter Sixteen: What Does One Do With Unending Guilt and The Greyrat's Child
It was a neverending spiral.
I couldn't think of anything besides that night. That's how the past few weeks had played out in my head. A cycle of self-employed guilt that racked my brain.
I know what I saw that night was just a dream. It was a nightmare that I would no doubt remember for as long as I live—but that's all it was. Be that as it may, I couldn't turn a blind eye to it. I couldn't bring myself to…not after what I saw.
That nightmare occurred in a location I knew very well. It was in Fittoa. More specifically, by a then rebuilt Roa… Well, at one point, it was. Then, the war with Laplace must've reached the area, and the region was razed. That was where the final battle between Laplace had taken place.
From what I saw, it was a bloody and vicious battle that had claimed many lives. The fight was so significant and vital that every big player showed up to battle the Demon God. Among the few were all people I knew.
Ruijerd Superdia, a lifelong comrade and friend I had met on the demon continent as Eris and I traveled back to Asura after the Displacement Incident. Accompanying him was his daughter and my niece, Luicelia Superdia. From what I heard from Orsted, she was a woman who held incredible importance in every other battle against Laplace the man had been through.
Aleksander Ryback, otherwise known as Kalman III. The North God I had thrown myself into mortal combat against in Biheiril. Without Orsted's interference at the end of that protracted warfare against Badigadi, I would've died to the man. After his defeat, he had become what I was to my employer. A beneficial asset in his neverending battle against the Man-God. Of course, I considered him a friend at a certain point. You could only work with someone for decades if you got along with them at the end of the day.
Alongside him was his father, Alexander Ryback, otherwise known as Sándor von Grandeur. The man who instituted the name Kalman in the world's mind. He sought to honor his father's legacy by becoming the North God after him and spreading tales of the hero Kalman across the land. He did so and became entrenched in the annals of time. I, however, knew him as an upbeat and lackadaisical man. He was the kind of guy you'd happily make your child's godfather, in all honesty. Finding him at the heart of some party wouldn't be weird.
Perugius was also there, but his familiars were nowhere to be seen. They had most likely already been culled by Laplace before I had arrived. To see the hero of the Laplace war stand before the man himself was something you'd see in a painting, but I didn't find myself caring too much. What I did find wholly out of character from the man was his seeming lack of disdain for my wife. He even said he'd give his life to avenge her and his comrades. Something extraordinary must've happened while I was dead for the notorious demon hater to suddenly have a soft spot for a demon.
A woman with red hair was there as well. At first, I thought she was Eris, but I knew that was impossible. When I saw her wrist and on it the same bracelet I had worn in my service to the Dragon God, I knew in my mind that it had to be the same little girl I had seen before I had died. My great-grandchild, Ferris Greyrat, had stood confidently next to legends and held her own. I was happy she kept her promise to the old man she had barely known, but I also felt regret now that I had put her in such a situation. I only talked to her briefly after she woke me up, but even then, she decided to become someone like that. I felt terrible that I sidelined the girl to talk to the rest of my family before I went. I could've at least spared a few more words.
Sieg was there as well. When I died, he still looked like a young man, but when I saw him there, he seemed veritably middle-aged. His cheeks, which once appeared youthful, were now grizzled from the combat he had found himself in. He looked like a war veteran, and no doubt was by that point.
Lara was still the same as I had known her before she left. She still wore the same hat Roxy had given her. She still wore my tattered robe from when I traveled on the demon continent and still held my old staff. The same one she had admired since she was young. She was unchanged, but when I saw her, I knew she had been through her fair share of tribulations. I could tell that she was an adult now. Between her leaving, my dying, and the final battle, she, at some point, had become a reliable person and had finally grown up and left her father's shadow.
Then there was Sylphiette… She was still as beautiful as ever. Surprisingly, she hadn't changed much physically—early fifties at the latest. It must be her elf blood at work. I mean, she was a quarter-elf, and from what I'd heard, most elves live to be older than one thousand if they're pure-blooded, that is. Anyway, that stuff sure was helpful. By the time I was seventy and some old codger, she was still a dashing young woman. Even then, I didn't think I deserved her love. She could have left me and found some young man to cozy up to, but she never considered that. She even abhorred the idea of it. It only made me feel more guilty.
Then there was Roxy.
…I don't know what to say, but she was the same woman I had fallen in love with. She would've probably started growing a little by then, but I couldn't pay attention to those details… She was dying, after all. I couldn't focus on much other than that when I was sat there next to her.
Why did the people I love have to go through so much pain? Why did Sylphie have to cradle her dying friend? Why was I allowed to get another chance after everything I did? I didn't deserve this life. I know many people who did, but I wasn't one of them. Why did they put themselves in danger like that? Why did Sylphie and Roxy engage in that warfare when they were outmatched? I didn't want any of them to do this. I just wanted them to live their lives. Maybe die in a quiet cabin with their loved ones surrounding them, just like how I went.
But that was what I wanted. Not what they wanted
It didn't matter to me anymore, though. None of it did. They were all gone. I was the only one left.
When I saw Roxy's breathing stop. When I felt her body heat disappear. When I saw that cute smile on her face. The same one she would give me whenever she asked me for something or wanted to do something naughty. The same smile that confirmed she was at her happiest. When I saw Sylphie cry like I hadn't ever seen her, I knew then that it wasn't just a nightmare… A part of me went away, and it didn't come back, and it may never.
But it was just a nightmare.
What I saw wasn't real, but it felt like it. No, I knew it had to be—for some reason, I was seeing something I shouldn't have known. A part of me knows that happened. For some reason, I know that was what roughly went down during that battle. A battle I couldn't participate in. The same battle my wife had died in.
The one where the armor I relied on became an obstacle everyone else had to overcome. The same armor I told Lily to tamper with. I failed her just as much as I failed Sieghart.
I was as responsible for Roxy dying as Laplace was for running her through.
When my thoughts came to that point, I didn't feel like doing anything. When I was most needed, I was useless and gone. I cursed my son with a goal that only led to more pain. I cursed my daughter to improve an armor no other mage could wear besides myself and our greatest enemy. I helped change Orsted into a person who was considerate of others' feelings, but by doing so, Roxy died.
Because I had met Roxy, fallen in love with her, and given her a family, she felt obligated to protect that family even if it meant her dying.
She was like that even when I took her to Shirone. If she didn't have that necklace, she would've been killed by Randolph. She was always willing to protect her family, even if it meant giving her life. She was even willing to let herself die so I could live. I should feel proud of what she did. After all, I would've done the same, but it wasn't the same for some reason. No matter how long I thought about it, her image on the ground never became more bearable.
How could it?
Am I a terrible person because I'm selfish enough that I could care less if thousands died if that meant Roxy would've lived? Is it wrong that I love her so profoundly that seeing her die only made me want to follow her? Even now—when I can't reach her?
My shortcomings killed the person I had placed so high in my mind. She died because she had met me, and when the time came, I wasn't there to help her. When I came to that thought, I didn't feel like doing anything; the only idea that came to mind was how much I wanted it all to end.
At that point, my thoughts would return to the beginning, and everything would loop over and over in a continuous pattern. I can't die. That's what I initially thought. Then I felt I needed to live… But why? For my parents? For Sylphie? For Kharn or Orsted? No, it wasn't for them.
For Roxy, then?
…No… Maybe it wasn't even her.
I wanted to run to her, hold her tight, and beg her never to leave, but I couldn't. Our relationship wasn't anything like that, and I didn't want her to ever go through what I saw. She didn't remember me the way I did her. A fantastic person like her didn't deserve what happened to her.
No matter what, I wouldn't let that happen again. Even if that meant cutting off my relationship with her, if it meant none of them would die, I would cut off everyone I love.
I didn't deserve this life. I had done everything I was meant to do in my last, so I didn't intend to get in the way of their lives. I had lived a life I was proud of—one that was gone now, and I didn't want to forget it. I didn't want to forsake that life, live this one, and forget everything and everyone from that one… I couldn't.
The thought alone scared me.
I wasn't strong. I wasn't capable. I just wanted to be done… Is that wrong? Am I irrational? A simple nightmare caused this, but it was much more to me. It was my failure.
If the Man-God is my enemy, that only means he'll come for me. He'll come for my family by extension, and they shouldn't be caught up in that fight without knowing what's coming for them. No matter what, I couldn't allow them to be caught up in my mess.
I didn't want to see anyone else die. I didn't want to be the reason that the people I love died.
At the end of it all, I was doing this for myself…
I just wanted them to live.
>Zenith<
My son is incredible. That was one of the first thoughts I had of him.
Even when he just barely started talking, he was compassionate and caring. I would've thought it strange for someone his age to be like that, but I realized that was just who Rudeus was. He was always like that, after all. He was oddly dependable, and I could tell he deeply loved his father and me. Those were pleasant days.
When he started learning swordplay and magic, I thought he would eventually find one he preferred, or maybe he would throw a fit about being told to learn both simultaneously. He didn't do that, though. Instead, he seemed to love being taught by his father. I couldn't have been happier at that time. Then we met Roxy, and the days seemed to brighten even more.
That was until that nightmare came.
To say we were worried for him would be an understatement, but we pushed through, and Rudy got better. After that, Rudy made his first friend in Laws' daughter, and things seemed to improve again. My son even became a Water Saint at the age of four. I can't even remember if something like that had ever happened, but it was all the same with Rudy. He was a genius, so he could do anything.
However, he couldn't do everything. He was still only a child, and when another nightmare came and went, it left me rattled over what was happening to my beloved son. For a while, I thought Rudeus would be fine. He was strong, capable, and intelligent. I was sure he would become amazing later in life, but that would be then, and we're in the now. I couldn't help him when it came to those times; by the time I thought I could, it was already too late.
I love my son, and I know my son loves me. That's why I'm worried for him. That's why I'm concerned about him more than I've worried about anything in my life. More than when I left my house. More than when I became an adventurer and more than when I decided to marry Paul and start a family with the man. All of those were dwarfed in comparison to what I was feeling now.
He changed that night after Roxy left and didn't return to being the easy-going son I knew. He became a pragmatic person who rarely smiled or laughed. He would mutter about being wrong or weak whenever he practiced his sword skills or magic. He never seemed satisfied.
He'd come home with torn blisters on his hands, and I would lecture him. Then he'd offer a weak smile and say that he had to. Then, the next day, he'd return just the same way.
I couldn't stop him.
The only silver lining was that he stopped ignoring Sylphiette, but now he always had this unfeeling attitude. The girl, Millis bless her soul, didn't seem to mind much, or at least portrayed herself in that way. She'd often come up to me and try to brainstorm a way to help the boy in any way she could. She'd even tell me what Rudeus taught her whenever they went out. Most of them were things I couldn't even begin to figure out. I guess that's what'll happen if you're taught by a saint-ranked mage as intelligent as Roxy.
I quickly learned that little Sylphiette was trying to ease my mind in any way she could. That only improved my thoughts of her even more. I'd like nothing else for the girl's affection to one day be reciprocated by my son, but that day was not close.
His sword lessons with his father, which had once been boisterous and semi-entertaining in their own right to watch, were now a quiet affair of little talking. Paul wasn't good with feelings. He never was. So, watching him try to understand our son, I could tell quickly that he was making no headway into the subject either, but watching them only made me realize Paul himself had changed over time.
Rudeus, on the other hand, continued to keep to himself and work himself to exhaustion. Neither of us could stop him.
My son was a caring individual and a genius to boot, but nowadays, it seemed like he was slowly trying to separate us from him.
The only thing I knew from being his mother was that I knew nothing about my son. I don't know how he thinks, feels, or what he's trying to do. The only thing that I can do is try to be understanding and help him in any way I can.
To continue to love my son. That's all I can do at this point.
A couple of weeks later, some fortunate news graced our home. "You're gonna be a big brother, Rudy!"
The news of my second pregnancy came, and even I was shocked. It had been six years since I managed to have Rudy; ever since then, both Paul and I were worried that I couldn't have any more children.
Then, a little while after Rudeus changed, I started having the telltale signs of a pregnancy. Morning sickness, cramping, lack of a monthly visitor. It all pointed to one thing.
I was pregnant yet again. Which meant our family was expanding. This obviously made me happy. I mean, how wouldn't it? The problem now was Rudeus. Neither Paul nor I knew how he would react, but when we finally announced it to him, he seemed elated. For the first time in a while, he didn't seem as gloomy as he had been.
Obviously, I was happy about that. As long as Rudy was happy, I was as well.
The house didn't stay carefree for long, however.
"My humble apologies. It would seem I'm pregnant." The ever-quiet Lilia spoke up one morning as the rest of us ate. A moment of silence crept on all of us. After all, everyone here knew who the father was. There was only one person it could be.
"S-Sorry! I-It's probably mine." My husband Paul bowed his head, almost ramming it into the table. My husband, who I compromised with by making him swear to only love me. He cheated on me while I was pregnant with his child, and at the same time, our son was going through Millis knows what.
I stood up, even surprising myself with how calm I managed to appear as I did so. Then, I walked over to my husband. When I stood infront of him, I couldn't hold it in anymore, and I slapped him. I hit him quite a lot. Enough that my hand turned red, and my handprint was firmly outlined on his cheek. He exited the dining room and moved to a corner to mope. Just Lilia and I were sitting at the table, with Rudy between us and his father. We sat there like that for what must be hours. Eventually, a storm arrived outside and started aggressively blowing against the house, but I couldn't bring myself to mind that.
"What do you intend to do?" I was angry at Paul. I was so angry that I knew I could explode and tell them both to leave the house at any moment, but I had to hold it in. When I was infront of my son, I was the kind, caring Zenith Greyrat. But even then, I wasn't gullible.
"I intend to help Lady Zenith with her delivery. Then I would take my leave and return to my hometown." The woman I knew as quiet had quickly become meek before me.
"What of the child?"
"I fully intend to raise it there as well. I'm hoping my parents will provide aid." She didn't look at me.
"A month's ride in this weather? You'd be exhausted from the birth. It doesn't take a genius to tell you you'd die before you get there, Lilia." Truth be told, I didn't want her to die. Of course, I wouldn't want to allow the woman I've grown close to over the years to receive a miserable death. Yet, even with that fact, I knew she must've had a part in this. Lilia wasn't the kind of person to let herself get pushed around. If my husband really did do something unspeakably cruel to her, she'd voice her displeasure, and of course, I'd listen.
The simple fact that she hasn't spoken up yet was admittance enough. Lilia, in her own way, was seeking punishment from me.
I couldn't bring myself to speak. Lilia was already accepting her fate. I could tell so from a glance at her face. She was really willing to die for this. I know I had every right to yell at her to leave, but I found the fact that she'd willingly throw herself into death somewhat… admirable…? Weird right? The woman who betrayed my trust was someone I somehow found admirable. Maybe that's not the correct word for my feelings, but seeing her willing to end her life because she betrayed me only told me more about the woman I hadn't known.
However, that didn't change the circumstances we found ourselves in or her guilt.
Nevertheless, I was angry over the debauchery the two had shared while I carried a child. They willingly continued to have nights of forbidden pleasure while I was carrying Paul's child, and Rudeus struggled with whatever was going on in his head.
"Mother?" My son was the one to speak.
"Rudy, this isn't the time—"
"If Lilia is pregnant, I'm gonna have two little siblings, right?" His voice was calm and level.
"Yes, you will be, but that isn't what we're discussing now. The ends don't justify the means, Rudy." I found myself growing more and more irate over time. Of course, I didn't want to be mad at my son. He was worried. He had it written all over his face, even if he was trying to be level-headed. Combined with his circumstances, I felt he had already suffered far more than he deserved.
"We're talking about how Dad messed up?" His tone remained calm, and even if what he said was phrased like a question, he sounded sure of what was happening.
"Yes."
"And that's why Lilia's in trouble, too?"
"She also had a part to play—"
"Father has some hold over Lilia, though. It's not like she could say no at the end of the day." Rudeus teetered on his feet back and forth as he spoke.
"What?!" My voice slipped out after I heard my son's words.
"Huh?!" From the room next door, I could hear Paul shout out.
"Lilia's our maid, and from what I know, maids are supposed to do as their employer says, so it would make sense if Father had some way to keep her quiet about it." He sounded with reason, but I couldn't make heads or tails of it. "This can't have been their first time, so that just means Father was hiding it before now. Wouldn't it be better not to punish Lilia but instead punish Father?" I could tell from a glance what was happening here. My son was trying to worm Lilia out of my sight. Though, I must admit that what he suggested did sound reasonably compelling.
"Rudy! What the hell are you—"
"You be quiet!" I slammed my hand to the table. If there was anyone that shouldn't be talking here, it would have to be you, Paul! Don't you get that?!
"B-But…" Paul's voice trailed off pitifully as he slinked back into his corner.
"Lilia, is that true?" The woman had a look of shock plastered all across her face.
"No, absolutely not." She shook her head along with her speaking. I had figured as much already. The woman most certainly has some accountability in this whole fiasco. It wasn't just Paul's fault. Lilia had some form of engagement. However, if I had to pin the blame on anyone, it would have to be my husband. Even if Lilia did seduce him, he was the one with the dick at the end of the day.
"Mother, please. It's father's fault. Lilia didn't do anything." He sounded desperate. Was he willing to back the woman who most likely seduced his father? Was he ready to ruin our relationship over this? Or did Rudeus not understand what was happening here? He was a child. He didn't act like it, but he was still only six. Still, he didn't sound naive about the weight of the conversation.
"I suppose you may be right." I forced myself to talk.
"Is it okay to punish Lilia for something that Father did?" You don't understand Rudy. What your father did hurts me more than you could know.
"I would say no…typically." I didn't want to be the one to send the woman to her death. She was the one who delivered Rudeus into this world. He probably would've died without her help while I was conceiving, and I would've followed along with him. But I can't just forgive her for doing something like that .
"My little brothers or sisters will have someone to play with as they grow up. They'll have a friend just like how I have Sylphiette." He staggered for words. "Wouldn't that make them happier?"
He was really trying to find reason here, wasn't he? Does it not matter that I'm the one who was hurt?
"Please, Mother." His voice cracked. I could see the tears in his eyes starting to build. When was the last time I had seen him cry like this? Ever? I only remember him crying after the nightmares—and I never wanted to see those tears again. His eyes were looking at me in a way that told me more things than words ever could hope to.
My son knew what was happening here. I could tell. Even then, he just wanted us to be happy. I don't know what he's been through or is going through, but he was still the same compassionate boy I had given birth to, even if he wasn't the same now, even if he was distant and a little dissociative.
"I don't want Lilia to die." With those words, something clicked. As I looked at him, it was almost like something in my head just found its place.
Rudy's still my son. He's still the weird boy I had given birth to. He's still my Rudy.
"Haah… I can't win against you, Rudy." I sighed as my body shook from my emotions. I rubbed his head as I brought him close to me. He was lucky he was a cute boy and that I owed Lilia any sort of debt.
"Lilia." The woman didn't look up. She still held that downcast look. I kept the final say in this argument. "You're our family now. Stay with us."
The woman's eyes flashed to my face. A look of shock spread across it as her eyes flitted between Rudeus and me, even as her tears started to fall a moment later. I don't know when I would forgive her, but Lilia wasn't an evil person. She was the kind of woman to pay back her debts, and I'm sure this wouldn't be forgotten so easily. This would be a debt that may as well be held onto for life.
I walked to the room next to ours and found my husband utterly pitiful. "And we're going to have a very long talk tonight." Paul would have little say in familial matters—or ever going forward—for the foreseeable future.
It was going without saying that I wouldn't be sleeping with the man for a while. Neither was Lilia. We were both pregnant anyway, and even if she wasn't, I would leave and head home if he decided to have another late-night tryst.
Paul was on thin ice from now on, and if he slipped, I was gone. Thanks to our son, he was, at the very least, getting that level of leniency from me, but that was all he was going to get.
I began to leave to head upstairs but heard words spoken quietly behind me. "Lilia. Please don't blame the child." The words were spoken by my son.
I didn't look back as I continued up the stairs.
Knock, Knock, Knock. A quiet tapping was heard from the door. I wonder how long I've cooped myself up here? I was sprawled over my bed—alone. I'm sure Paul was downstairs comforting Lilia right now or something, but I guess that was fine if that was all he did.
It's not like I was the one hurt or anything.
"Mother?" A high-pitched boyish voice called out from the other side of the door. Its owner was very easily identifiable within this house.
"You can come in, Rudy." The door squeaked open a moment later, and I was met with my son.
He entered the room without a word and closed the door quietly behind him. I propped myself up and tried my best to not look absolutely miserable. "Did you want to talk or something? Just so you know, I'm not going to leave your father over this—"
"I'm sorry." He hit me straight out of the gate. I guess the grief was building up quick on his side.
"I know, Rudy." His face was dejected. He looked like a man who had just watched his best friend's lover pass away right before him, and now he was confronting him with the news.
"You don't have to be sorry, Rudy. I… I understand why you did it… I didn't want to send Lilia to die either." There was a pause between us.
"I just didn't want our family to end like that." His tone had yet again grown distant. As if he was remembering something that he shouldn't have been able to. "I knew you wouldn't make a move by yourself, so I had to give you a little push."
"You call that a little?" I giggled at his words slightly, but he only met me with a sad smile. "You're right, though. Without you here, I would've told one of them off, if not both." He had a strained expression. "Thank you for doing your best, Rudy." I offered him the kindest smile I could. Even now, when I knew he was struggling, he tried his hardest to comfort his dear old mother.
I would be swooned by the acts if I weren't a married woman or his mother. Maybe this is what Sylphie and Roxy found so charming about my boy. I guess Paul's side of the family really was stronger than mine.
Rudy was terrific, sure. I haven't heard of any other four-year-old able to cast saint-rank magic in history. Maybe Saint Millis himself, but that still compared my son to the man with an entire religion built around him.
No, what was so unique about him was the seemingly intrinsic way he managed to help people when they were down. I had seen it repeatedly whenever Sylphie doubted her ability or ridiculed her appearance. Or when he helped Roxy with her magic studies using chantless spells or complimented her body. That last point made him seem much more similar to his father, but from what I could tell, the girl appreciated the compliments. Roxy wore her heart on her sleeve a lot of the time anyway.
"I still don't think I did enough, though. I could be better. I could be stronger. Our family deserves to be safe." The boy's stance on family was definitely one of obsession. He was obsessed with our safety. It's not like it was a bad thing or anything like that, but I could tell he was trying to wear himself out by doing his best for us.
It made his mother worry for her son.
"One day at a time is good enough for you, Rudy." I waved him over, and he listened. When he reached me, I placed my hand on his head and drew him into a hug. If he was like Paul, he would've been trying to do something obscene, but he just stood there and wrapped his arms around me.
Moments like this were all I wanted from him. I didn't need him to become some mighty warrior that would lead the world to salvation or for him to conquer continents in his family's name. He doesn't need to grow up right now. That could come later. All I wanted was for him to continue being my son just like he was. To continue being the cute little boy I gave birth to and let me show him how much his mother loves him every now and then. That's all I need.
"You'll get to where you want to be eventually. So, right now, just continue being whoever you want. As long as you do that, I'll always remain your mother and love you no matter what." I stroked his hair with a hand, and a moment later, I heard crying.
It wasn't me. It was Rudy. He was crying against my chest like a little baby. For once in his life, he was acting his age. That night, I fell asleep cradling my son in my arms. It had to be the best sleep I've had in a long time.
Notes:
Author's Note: Chapter sixteen. It's pretty unoriginal, I know, but I like how things were handled in volume one. There were other ways I could've handled it, and at one point, I even considered deleting Aisha entirely, but I do enjoy her character for the most part, so I decided not to. Of course, this chapter is mainly in Zenith's POV, so we don't see much of what is happening in Rudeus' head at the moment of the announcement, but the beginning of the chapter does paint some light into what he's thinking. Overall, while I don't particularly appreciate copying things from the books, I think it's bound to pop up now and then, but it should decrease as we get later into the story, and of course, it won't ever be that frequent.
With that said, the next chapter is the last in Buena. Which only means one thing. A new arc beyond the horizon. Luckily for me, I have all but like two chapters of it planned out, so I'm basically just cruising along as I write.
As always, any feedback is greatly appreciated. I loved reading all of them from chapter fifteen, and everyone's take on the