Goddamn it.. I slumped outside of the room against the wall.. I was almost 57 taking care of Cyrus.. I never knew it'd be this bad.. I know who brought him here. I never thought I'd ever hear about him again.. yet here I am and I could tell my son knew him..
I knew his thought's because that's how my brother would look at magazines though, Cyrus will never ever meet his uncle because I'm afraid.. that once he does, he'll know the truth.
I didn't want to say those things but it was in the heat of the moment.. and I was angry and upset and.. scared
If Cyrus only knew everything I went through and how I'm guilty for what I did. It was an accident, I didn't mean to hurt him.. Cyrus on the other hand, I was just trying to protect him.. but I didn't mean to hurt his uncle like this..
Everyday I have to wake up remember what happened the day of 1982.. when I destroyed my whole life.
I didn't hate my brother.. I just bullied him but.. no matter how much I try to excuse myself, I just feel worse. I didn't want to hurt him like that..
When I saw him crying and screaming.. I just froze and realized what I had done, it slipped out of my finger and I didn't mean to do it.. I broke down crying right there as I thought of it.
I didn't mean to hurt my brother and now when I look back, I see myself as an idiotic stupid fool.. my brother was so sweet, he was so happy and then.. I had to ruin everything because I'm such an idiot. I'm such an idiot. IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT.
I kept crying angry tears, it was hard not too. I was so angry at myself. Everyone left him there, to cry and scream and I just stared at him. Like a dumb fool.
I'm such a retard for thinking I could forgive myself for everything I did. I robbed my brother of having a decent life just for my own popularity.
And now when I look at Cyrus, I see that I'm going back to my old ways of being harsh.. but this time I won't do what I did to my brother.