Hey, hey.
I hope that this finds you all well and good.
Me?
No, lbvs...
It's been a...long weekend, to say the least.
Want to hear something kind of...weird? Strange?
While I was at work this past Friday, I looked down and realized that one of my protection rings had shattered.
I wear rings and bracelets, and the like, each infused with my personal protective energies.
I subconsciously pump positive, healing energies into these things, and then I either gift them to people or keep them on my person to ward off negative things, events, people, you know?
A close friend of my family committed suicide this past Saturday.
A broken heart...
His wife left him.
That's a tough one, you know?
I know the feeling...hopelessness.
Loneliness.
The pain and agony that come with the separation and destruction of a relationship.
It can be profoundly heavy, and some of us can't take it.
I am an advocate for suicide, you know?
As sad as it is and can be, that person is no longer suffering, and that is all that matters at the end of the day.
WE live on with it, but they find their peace.
Is that not fair?
I think that it is, even if we don't like it.
Their pain is not OUR pain.
I will see you all back here soon enough.
I wish my little time machine actually worked...I would try to go talk to him...
Just once.
Enjoy.
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August 1st, 2013.
Journal #065.
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What's best for her sucks...
And that is the fact that her leaving for a while just might be the best option for her sanity,
For her life.
I don't want her to leave, but that is what could help the most, and I can't let what I want hinder her.
She would.
I love her beyond reason.
I just want her to be happy, be it with me or without.
God has his plans.
-----
Let's get right into it, yeah?
-She (that lovely Gothic girl that I was madly in love with) really wanted to leave, to move back to Florida, where she had essentially grown up.
Of course, I didn't want her to leave; it would have meant that I would never see her again.
That I would never get the chance to have her fall in love with me and feel for me how I felt for her.
I wanted that future so bad.
I wanted her to marry me.
I wanted her to have my children.
I wanted her to spend the rest of her life with me.
I was selfish.
I.
I.
I.
I never stopped to ask her if any of that was what SHE wanted, you know?
I was love bombing her, and it was inadvertent, and I live with that, and probably always will...
She should have left.
Back to Florida.
Back to her happiness and her best friends.
She should have never wasted so much time and energy on me.
I, who wanted nothing but her...
I, who was trying to force my love down her throat.
I wish she would have left.
Maybe she would have had the kids she wanted, with the guy she was meant to be with, you know?
And me?
I don't think I matter so much.
I don't think I ever did, or ever will.
I feel as like my role is to just support others' dreams and just be a proxy pawn.
That's it.
Write these old journal entries, a few new poems a week, and the occasional short story.
I wasn't meant to be someone's significant other.
Best friend...
Lover...
Husband...
No.
That wasn't meant for me.
I was meant to taste that feeling...that love.
But never meant to have it as my own, to keep and have and to hold.
I believe that.
My life is one of servitude.
To the emotional needs of humanity, until I have my final breath.
I think that I am okay with that.
At least a part of me is...
I don't know how I feel as of late.
I apologize for getting so...heavy.
It's been a tough month.
Such is life, yeah?
I will see you all back here, sooner than later this time, my word, lbvs.
Thank you all for your love and loyalty.
And patience lol.
You reading all of this and coming back to read more means the world to me.
I will leave you at that.
I will do my best not to bleed all over you all next time.
As always, safe travels, folks.
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.