Zhou Chen finally had enough. A screech of wood against stone startled everyone in the room. He stood, tall, handsome and cold with his face mask of anger and defiance.
"If this was all we were here to discuss, - how to get Zhou Yong back, the Zhou Family's prodigal son-, then I've wasted my time." He said coldly, his voice low and chipped. Without waiting for a response, he spun on his heel and strides out the ancestral hall.
Outside the hall, the corridor was dim, small paper thin lanterns casting long, wavering shadows. Zhou Chen measured fast-paced footsteps echoed sharply against the polished stone and marble floors, as he walked to his Courtyard.
The late evening air bit at his skin, but he welcomed it, a distraction. Something he hoped ( but just knew wouldn't) cool the fire in his chest.
The Zhou Family's private Courtyardwas a serene, peaceful existence at night. With the moonlight glistening off the Lotus and Koi ponds. Bamboo stalks swaying gently in the breeze, the soft rustling rhythmic and calm, a sharp contrast to the turmoil in Zhou Chen's mind.
Crossing into the private study, - (after entering the Courtyard) -, into a private space he claimed for himself after the events of 8 years ago, Zhou Chen felt he could finally breath.
The study was a standard room, not to big and not to small. Sparsely decorated but meticulously organized. Scrolls of military strategies and treaties on governance lined the walls, a half-finished, - (now dry) -, calligraphy piece laying the desk.
Zhou Chen lit the small lantern by his desk, his movements measured, direct but familiar. It's warm glow illuminating the room. He stood there watching the flickering and shrinking light for just a moment before sinking into he chair, signing heavily.
Pressing his hands to his temples, his thoughts were a whirlwind of anger, frustration and something darker something that tasted, felt bitter and unfamiliar.
"Zhou Yong." He muttered, his voice low, angry and venomous. "Always Zhou Yong."
The golden boy. The eldest son. The one who could do no wrong.
The legitimate heir.
Zhou Chen's lips twisted into a bitter, pained smile. Even now, after 8 full years of absence, Zhou Yong's shadow looked and suffocated him. Hanging onto he Family like a unshakable specter.
"Why not me?" Zhou Chen whispered to himself. His eyes glistening slightly. "Why not...?" Deeply breathing in he continued. "Why not Zhou Chen?"
He had stayed. He hadn't run away when things got difficult, hadn't abandoned the Family. He endured, worked harder and all so tirelessly to prove his worth, to show the family that he was capable, that he was more than just the illegitimate son. And yet...
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Context
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In childhood, Zhou Chen and Zhou Yong were true brothers. Zhou Yong born from the legitimate wife and future (Madame) of the Zhou Household had no blood siblings until Zhou Chen's birth 3 years later.
Then it was Zhou Yong and Zhou Chen. Zhou Chen was even registered under Madam Xi (Old Madame Zhou) as a second son.
But less than 2 years after Zhou Chen's 5th birthday and Zhou Yong's 8th year, Madam Xi (Old Madame Zhou) had Zhou Min. And then 2 years later Zhou Yun Xi and a year later Zhou Han.
All legitimate, all from the same mother and father. All except Zhou Chen.
It didn't help that as the eldest child Zhou Yong was the automatic heir by state law.
Respect, privilege, acknowledgement and recognition were all things Zhou Yong was given without any effort or work needed.
Zhou Yong was a representative of not just an ideal older brother, but person with charisma who glided through life with ease and confidence.
For the longest time the bond they shared as kids as well as the playful moments or other fleeting instances were Zhou Chen was seen and valued, were what he held on to. Zhou Chen clung to the disperate hope that their differing statues would be transcended by the relationship they had. He believed that societal expectations had no place in their relationship.
He believed that he was more, more than a illegitimate son, more than the son of a servant, more than the replacement, no longer necessary with a thriving family.
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The growing awareness of inequality...
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As the brothers grow older, Zhou Chen became painfully aware of the divide between them. Zhou Yong's legitimacy and age granted him privileges that Zhou Chen could never hope to attain. Things like formal education, wealth, social status and standing as well as unconditional support from the Zhou Family.
Meanwhile, Zhou Chen was treated as an afterthought, - a shadow in the household, present but never truly acknowledged. Zhou Yong's shadow. Even with his place as the second son of the Zhou (main branch), Zhou Chen felt more often than not overlook or invisible. It was never "...and this is Zhou Chen..." but rather "... Zhou Chen, you know Zhou Yong's second brother...". Worse still people found out he was the "possible replacement / contingency plan". The people, friends and servants looks, whispers and glances were all a reminder of his inferior status.
With the disparity growing bigger with each minute, day and month, Zhou Chen insecurities grew. He began to see himself as insignificant, a mare add on and not a factor. A being only defined by His birth and the limitations it imposed. His admiration for Zhou Yong gave and turned sour as he realized that no amount of effort or talent was going to bridge the gap between them.
What was once love and respect, - mutualandfrom both sides-, morphed, twisted and formed into resentment not only towards Zhou Yong but also towards the circumstances that kept him trapped in Zhou Yong's shadow.
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The bitterness and coldness sets in...
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By the time they (Zhou Yong and Zhou Chen) reached adulthood, Zhou Chen's feelings of inadequacy intensified and hardened further into bitterness. Zhou Yong's effortless life as the heir seemed to mock Zhou Chen's struggles.
Zhou Chen began to think and feel, that Zhou Yong did not understand, or worse, did not care about the silent pain he endured - the humiliation of being the only illegitimate son, the whispered judgements and comments of others and the endless but unfruitful effort of trying to be noticed.
Somewhere along the lines, Zhou Chen had interpreted Zhou Yong's inactions as betrayals.
In Zhou Chen's mind, Zhou Yong though not openly cruel and vicious had failed to stand up and defend Zhou Chen thus resulting in his torment.
This single act by Zhou Yong, solidified and confirmed his belief and feelings of being invisible, disposable and unworthy of acknowledgment.
Every smile father gave him, ever time mother gave him extra money, every time his younger siblings commented on "...wanting to be him...", family, servants, friends. Every opportunity handed to him without effort, became a source of anger and envy for Zhou Chen.
Nails in a coffin.
Years later the bitterness further hardened into anger and cold detachment. Affection, care and brotherly attachments buried beneath layers, upon layers of resentment.
Interactions became strained with Zhou Chen responding to Zhou Yong with indifference, hostility or sarcasm.
Zhou Chen's bitterness, anger and cold detachment may have not only been directed at Zhou Yong but also at the family and society that had placed and enforced this dynamic of unequal positions.
However Zhou Yong was the face of his "hearts demon" and thus bore the brunt of his anger as he was a representation of the life Zhou Chen could never have.
And even when Zhou Yong tried to "bridge the gap", Zhou Chen interpreted it as pity further deepening his resentment.
Zhou Chen struggles to reconcile the various emotions he had towards his brother may have for some time fueled his determination to prove his worth, either by surpassing or distancing himself from Zhou Yong entirely.
Unfortunately however, the more he tried to assert and gain independence, the more trapped he felt to the circumstances and overshadowed by Zhou Yong's existence.
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The justification (Aka the incident)
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The memory came unbidden, sharp and vivid with extrame forcus.
It was a summer afternoon, and Zhou Chen was had been sitting in the small courtyard just in front of the training grounds. Watching from the shadows as Zhou Yong sparred with the martial arts instructor.
Zhou Yong had always been the stronger, faster and more skilled fighter, his movements precise and fluid. Nothing wasted, whether it was attacking, defending or plotting. Instructors praised him constantly, calling him a natural born leader and the pride of the Zhou family.
Zhou Chen stood there, watching and getting angry. His fists clenched, hands shaking ever so slightly as his nails went digging into his palms. 'It didn't matter.' No matter how hard he worked, no matter how much effort he poured into his training, he could never escape the comparisons in his mind.
Suddenly a voice soft and warm called "Chen'er." Breaking him out of his dark thoughts.
He turned around to see Liang Rou standing there, her parasol casting dappled shadows over her delicate features. She smiled at him, her expression once warm and kind turning happy and joyful at his acknowledgement.
"You shouldn't stand in the heat like this," she said. "Come on, have some tea with me."
It was small but for a moment, her kindness had helped sooth the bitterness, hurt and anger he was feeling in his heart.
She was Zhou Yong's betrothed but she, - unlike Zhou Yong-, always treated him with respect and gentleness, a balm to his wounded and buttered pride and ego.
Over time, however, it was this very same kindness that had became something more, something dangerous.
'She deserves better than Zhou Yong.' Zhou Chen had told himself. 'Zhou Yong is arrogant, self righteous and far too consumed by his ambitions as the Zhou Heir to truly see her.' He stressed in his own mind.
Zhou Chen did, however, see her. Everytime Zhou Yong couldn't do something or make the time for her, she spent it with Zhou Chen. He was the one listening, making her laugh and cared for her in a way Zhou Yong never did.
So he waited, he watched and he help create an opportunity to make Liang Rou his. And when it did, he did not hesitate, he simply took.
Liang Rou was of course hesitate at first. She loved Zhou Yong. They had grown up together, had discussed their hopes, dreams and future aspirations. The Liang family wasn't even the best for the Zhou family but Liang Rou was the only daughter of Old Madame Zhou's (-the then-, Madam Xi's) bosom friend.
She had engaged the two (Zhou Yong and Liang Rou) as a way of guaranteeing her god-daughters future and the happiness of her son.
But somewhere in between Zhou Yong academic pursuits and ever mounting Zhou family responsibilities, he lost Liang Rou.
Zhou Chen's words had swayed her.
She began to believe him when he said Zhou Yong didn't care about her, when he said Zhou Yong didn't deserve her, when he said she would be happier with someone who truly appreciated her.
And just like that. She chose him. Vindicated his beliefs. Zhou Chen had won. For once, he had taken something from Zhou Yong instead of it being the other way around.
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Back in his study, Zhou Chen exhaled shakily. The memory of his past with Zhou Yong both bitter and sweet.
He had justified his actions then, and he still justified them now.
Zhou Yong had always taken everything without effort - respect, admiration, love and dignity. Zhou Chen on the other had worked for everything he had, he fought tooth and nail to carve out a place, - small but growing-, in the Zhou Family.
"Why not me?" Zhou Chen whispered again, his voice trembling ever so slightly with a mixture of anger and sorrow.
He stared at the calligraphy piece on his desk, the halfway finished character for "Honor" staring back as if to mock him. After all, what was honor? Was it staying and enduring the scorn of the family, as he had? Or was it walking away, as Zhou Yong had done?
The family wanted Zhou Yong back, but Zhou Chen knew that if Zhou Yong returned, he would once again be eclipsed. Once again he would be the illegitimate son, second son and the shadow.
Zhou Chen tightened into fists. He would not allow it. He couldn't allow it. Itwillnot happen.
"If they want Zhou Yong back," he muttered, voice low, cold and determined, "then they'll just have to decide who they truly stand with."
He extinguished the lantern and sat in the dark. His mind churning with past thoughts, ambition, resentment and the unrelenting need (-want) to prove himself.