So…
Sexis kinda puked on Malthus.
Not kinda, he really puked on him.
Malthus' face was covered in vomit and I am pretty sure most of it went inside his eyes too.
I did ask Sexis to make Malthus blind, but I had something slightly more tactical in mind than... well, projectile digestion.
Now, the Alien King was standing in front of me, with a puffed chest and ten arms.
I whispered to him, "You realize you just barfed on the most dangerous man in the world right now?"
He nodded. "I also realized I want spicy food less now."
Fair.
Malthus stumbled, furiously rubbing his face. He looked like a cursed toddler who touched chili and then his eyes.
He snarled, cursed, and muttered death threats while stumbling like a drunk flamingo.
He was probably expecting some epic battle but alas, he chose the wrong planet to mess with.
The people here weren't the typical bravado type. I mean, when was the last time you heard a warrior puking on his enemy to deal damage.
And if that wasn't enough, the residents of this Moral planet were also having fun.
"Yeah! That's how you do it."
"Puke on him more."
"Call me there too!"
"One hideous man puked on another hideous man. Absolute Cinema."
Malthus could also hear them and that only made him more annoyed. His idea of humiliating me backfired.
"I can understand people calling him hideous but why are they calling me that too?" Sexis had some other worries.
"They just don't have the vision to appreciate your… symmetry," I said, trying to help.
Unfortunately, everyone heard me.
"Don't lie, hero king."
"Yeah. You don't have to be so nice."
"You know we are right."
"That guy looks like the shit someone took after being constipated for all their life."
Gee. These people have no chill.
Sexis heard them too and now he was… about to cry? Just how insecure is he about his looks?
I have to do something.
"Look, Sexis. Don't think you are ugly," I consoled him. "I mean, you are, but just don't think about it."
"Waaaaaa!"
Shit. I made it worse.
The people laughed harder and Sexis was successfully crying.
And then—like a divine intervention—Erect stepped forward and grabbed my shoulders.
"Forget this mess, my lord. Malthus is vulnerable. Now's our chance."
"...I guess. But," I glanced at the crying mess behind Erect.
Erect followed my eyes.
Without hesitation, he left my shoulders and went in front of Sexis.
He did the same thing with the Alien King but more violently. Like he was trying to blend a smoothie.
He rattled his shoulders, flicked his antennas, and finally screamed:
"WE. CAN. DO. THIS!!! NOW IS OUR MOMENT!"
"Don't shout, bastard. My brain's still swirling," Sexis groaned.
Erect smiled.
I found a smile too.
Sexis wasn't crying anymore. Progress.
And also, for a while he wasn't responding in premium English. Progress².
And I think Erect is the smartest among us and he cares about me too. If we remove the fact that he clicked his tongue when he found me alive.
Anyway, I was ready to fight again.
"Let's do it. Sexis, begin the spin."
"No thanks. I have done enough for today."
"At least attack him?"
"That I can manage."
Good enough.
I raised both swords and pointed at the wobbling, dripping, still-swearing Malthus.
"Heroes!" I shouted. "Attack!"
"Raaagghhh!!"
The Heroes let out a war cry and charged towards Malthus again.
Malthus still hasn't recovered from the damage that Sexis did and we decided that we'll use this chance to the fullest.
We might kill him if any of us managed to strike a deathly blow.
Like that, the heroes and Sexis began attacking Malthus all over his body.
The red man jerked his hands and legs all around but he couldn't exactly hit anyone. He was missing everyone with a hair's breadth.
Alright. They were doing well. It's my turn now.
I bent my knees.
I would jump straight in front of his chest and try to piece his heart. No matter how strong someone is, they would die if their heart stopped beating.
A cum shot and the stopping of heart, they both imply the same thing—It's the end.
Therefore, I executed my plan.
WHOOSH!
I jumped.
I readied my swords and got ready to pin them right at Malthus' chest.
But…
"Aaaaaaaaa!"
I heard a scream. Or cry.
"Aaaaaaaaa!"
Another one.
"Aaaaaaaaa!"
One more.
I heard three cries.
I looked around and when I paid attention, I turned my head behind me.
There, in the sky, I saw three figures.
They were coming straight towards Malthus', flaying their hands.
They were males and I would have called them brave if not for their screaming faces.
They weren't wearing any armor which made me figure out their identity.
They were the drunkards I summoned along with the soldiers.
Probably one of the Malthus' soldiers threw them in the sky and now they are here. Or one of my soldiers could have done it. Thank God I only summoned three alcoholics.
Nevertheless, I had no intentions of letting them crash on me so I descended back on the ground.
Now their aim was Malthus and not surprisingly, they landed on Malthus as well.
One landed right on Malthus' face, and one each on Malthus' each shoulder.
"We are alive?"
"Yeah. I think so."
"We did it!"
"Yes!"
Oh no.
They started celebrating. On Malthus. Like he was a podium.
"But I don't feel too well."
"Yeah. My stomach is acting funny."
"I also think I have drunk too much."
"Which fucker brought us here anyway?"
That would be me.
But wait… did they say their stomach is not good? They had too many drinks?
Don't tell me..
All three of them held their stomachs and the scene I witnessed just a few seconds ago, repeated once more.
Because one by one…
"Voughhh!"
"Vougghhh!"
"Here it comes. Vougghhh!"
The three alcoholics vomited on Malthus.
I have heard history repeat itself but I didn't know even a few seconds of history repeats too.
However…
"Heroes! Brace yourselves!" I yelled.
Because a red glow pulsed beneath Malthus' skin.
We might've bought some seconds, but definitely not victory.