That day, Taeui walked aimlessly, tending to the garden and the house, admiring the small things he barely noticed before, but more than anything, he let his thoughts run through his mind. When he got back to his room, he sat at the des,k eyeing a blank piece of paper for a long time before he started writing.
He wrote about everything that came to mind, and at that moment,t it was mostly the bad and frustrating things that came up. But he didn't want his letter to be bitter, he didn't want what could one day be his last words on earth to be so sad. Despite his lowest moments, his life wasn't bad. He was happy with his life and happy with his choices. So he also wrote about the good things, the happy things, and the funny things. He wrote all of it and what it meant for him. And the more he wrote, the more moments he remembered to write about.
It was as if he was writing his life's story. He didn't notice it at the beginning, but his tears stopped marring the pages in the first couple of pages. After that, his smile grew bigger. Sometimes his anger flared up, and he pressed the pen harder against the paper, and when he laughed, his letters looked wonky. Despite writing so much, there was so much more he couldn't write. Things that could only be understood if felt or experienced. Taeui had trouble putting all the pages inside the small envelope, but he managed. And on the front, he wrote 'Ilay'.
He wasn't going to give it to Ilay, and even if he died, he doubted Ilay would read it. Maybe he could add this letter to the contract Alain had, so Ilay would read it after Taeui died, but he thought better of it. There were too many embarrassing things in those pages. And besides, when it happened, Ilay wouldn't lay around reading letters he would probably do something extreme before dying.
Taeui only had two wishes for when he died: that Ilay wouldn't suffer too much and that they could meet again in their next life.
That night, Taeui dreamt with Ilay. They were staring at each other, a red thread connecting their fingers, and despite both looking and pulling at the string, neither tried to cut it. But an unease grew around them, and a strange sensation approached them. As it came closer to them, it was still shrouded in darkness, but it felt sharp and dangerous, aiming for that thread that connected them. Taeui tried to run away but he moved so slowly that it seemed he wasn't moving at all. Ilay, on the other hand, tried to attack it but just as Taeui, he barely moved. How could he think of attacking something that is not physical? He thought for a moment. But as it came closer, Taeui felt as if he was going to be swallowed by it.
'No. No. No.'
Taeui kept saying this mantra, louder and quicker each time. Then Ilay pulled him with all his mind until Taeui was standing right behind him as he tried to somehow protect him. Taeui noticed his white hand trembling as he held his hand. In fact, Ilay's body was trembling ever so faintly. There's no way Ilay would be afraid of anything. This was impossible.
'Ah, this is a dream.'
But even after realising it, he couldn't wake himself up. Not even when he heard the hurt and scared voice right in front of him, almost begging as it said, 'No. He is mine.'
Ilay would never sound and look so miserable, so why was Taeui dreaming of something as far-fetched as this? 'Even in a dream I'm an object,' murmured Taeui, feeling even more depressed.
Ilay turned around in a split second as if the laws of that dream couldn't hold him back anymore. He was still holding his hand, trembling. "No," said Ilay as his hand softly caressed Taeui's face. "You are mine."
When Taeui looked dejected, Ilay softly shook his head and then, before saying anything else, quickly turned around and punched the immaterial threat and broke it into tiny pieces.
'He is a beast even in my dream,' thought Taeui, watching as Ilay shook his hand and turned back to him, staring at his eyes.
"Taeui, I–"
Taeui felt something pulling him away from his dream and the next moment he was sitting in his bed, breathing harshly, cold sweat on his forehead. The following two nights Taeui had the exact same dream and when he woke up in the early morning of the third day, drenched in sweat, Ilay was standing there in front of the desk looking down at him. Noticing what he had in his hand, Taeui quickly took it from his hands and struggled to put it back in the envelope.
"You weren't supposed to read this," he said, averting his eyes from Ilay.
"It was addressed to me."
Taeui looked up at Ilay, glaring. "Still, it is in my room, and I didn't give it to you, so you had no right."
A moment passed as they eyed each other. Ilay nodded and Taeui was taken aback by that. Since when did this beast agree to something so easily?
"I'm sorry. I really am a beast, aren't I?" Ilay said, staring deeply into Taeui's eyes. Taeui opened and closed his mouth,h unable to speak. Was this the continuation of the dream he was having and that was why Ilay was apologising? Taeui sank his nails into his palm to wake up but nothing happened.
"At least you are aware," Taeui mumbled after a moment, avoiding Ilay's eyes. This wasn't a dream but it felt strange like one.
Ilay nodded softly then eyed the envelope with his name for a moment. "Your words were cruelly truthful."
Taeui tried to remember what part he was talking about, but he had ranted about a lot of things in his letter. Then again, he never thought Ilay would read his letter, nor that he would be alive to hear his thoughts about it. Taeui stared at Ilay, unsure what to say and just let Ilay have his moment. It would be easier if Ilay just told him what was bothering him.
"I thought about writing you a letter as well, but I doubt I would have the words to write it either." Ilay stared back at Taeui, his eyes narrowed in a raging storm. Not as fierce as before, but brutal nonetheless.
"Are you going to tell me what is wrong?" Taeui pressed.
A long moment passed in silence as they stared at each other, two steps away. Taeui could see Ilay pondering on what to say, or maybe how to say it. When he met him, Ilay was the type to be concise and say what he wanted without beating around the bush. That was still true, except for what he knew were sensitive topics for Taeui.
"When they called you pitiful, part of me agreed with them," Ilay said. But seeing Taeui's expression souring and tears about to flood his eyes, Ilay clicked his tongue and looked away. After a moment in silence, he continued, "I didn't mean it like that." For the first time, Taeui saw Ilay doing something he never expected. Ilay raked his hair with his fingers, pulling at the strands, just like Taeui did when he was extremely frustrated. Taeui was baffled at what was happening and more than the words Ilay said after, that gesture told him a lot more than Ilay probably realised.
"What I meant was that I could understand their arguments. But I can't follow yours. Even now.
"You have a lot of reasons to despise me, and I can logically understand them. But I don't understand your reasons for liking me. Or even to feel liked by me. It doesn't make sense."
That's when it clicked for Taeui. He finally realised it. For such a rational person whose first instinct was to kill if something pissed him off, something abstract as love and care were difficult tangents to understand. Part of him wanted to punch Ilay for letting it drag on for so long. Another part sighed so deeply he had to take a big breath in. He felt calmer knowing that Ilay was becoming a little bit more human. Now he just had to somehow help Ilay understand.
"Then let me ask you this. Do you feel like you care for me?"