Senator Robert Kelly stumbled through the iron gates of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, his body a grotesque mess of melting, barely reformed flesh. His half-liquid hands left behind a wet, sticky residue on the metal bars as he dragged himself forward, his face shifting like a broken reflection.
The X-Men had been gathering inside when Jean Grey, Storm, and Rogue appeared at the entrance. Their expressions shifted into masks of concern, their voices dripping with fake sincerity.
Kelly collapsed to his knees, his fingers stretching unnaturally before snapping back. His mouth quivered, opening and closing like he was struggling to form words.
"H…help… me…"
Jean took a step forward, furrowing her brow in manufactured sympathy.
"Oh no," she said, her voice perfectly pitched with concern. "It's… um… Senator Kelly. How terrible."
"Yeah," Rogue chimed in, shaking her head with mock pity. "So sad."
Storm crossed her arms, nodding. "What a tragic turn of events."
Internally, all three women were monologuing.
Jean: This idiot really came crawling to us after spending his whole career hating mutants? Pathetic.
Rogue: Imagine dying like this. I bet Magneto actually thought this was a power move.
Storm: How does Magneto mess up this badly? He couldn't even finish the job. Am I supposed to be impressed?
Kelly tried to reach for them, but his arm elongated weirdly, dripping before it reformed. His distorted voice came out garbled.
"Pl…please… I… don't… w-wanna…m-m-melt."
The male X-Men finally arrived behind them—Cyclops, Wolverine, and Beast.
Cyclops winced at the sight. "Professor, what do we—"
Before he could finish, Professor Charles Xavier rolled out, his luscious new locks flowing down his shoulders.
"I'm sorry, Senator Kelly," he said smoothly, running a hand through his thick, luxurious hair. "But I'm a bit too preoccupied at the moment."
Kelly blinked, struggling to process those words through his decaying consciousness.
Jean mentally winced, but her external expression remained sympathetic.
Storm gave an exaggerated sigh. "It's just so tragic."
Rogue placed a hand on her heart, dramatically tilting her head. "A real shame."
From the shadows, Wanda, Gwen, and Natasha stood beside Kara, watching the whole scene unfold.
Gwen took a sip of her definitely-stolen gourmet coffee. "Wow. This is… embarrassing."
Wanda smirked. "Magneto thought this was a power move?"
Natasha exhaled through her nose. "He let his own target escape. What a joke."
Kara, tilting her head in confusion, walked up beside them. "Hey, what's going on?"
Jean immediately snapped out of her fake sincerity, straightening. "Oh, nothing big. Just some small-time villain."
Kara blinked, looking at Kelly's barely holding-together form. "Oh. Just a small-time villain? Nothing I need to pay attention to?"
Jean nodded, smiling way too convincingly. "Yep. Nothing at all. Just a disposable bad guy over here."
Kelly gurgled in despair.
Gwen chuckled. "Man. You really do attract losers, huh?"
Wanda tilted her head. "You think Magneto planned for this to be a humiliation? Or does it just come naturally?"
Kelly let out one last, weak breath, his body collapsing into a puddle of grotesque, unstable flesh. His last words, barely comprehensible, whispered through the air.
"Help… me…"
Silence.
Jean glanced down at the steaming pile of what used to be a senator. "Welp. That's over."
Cyclops frowned. "Should we… uh… bury him, or…?"
Wolverine lit a cigar. "Nah."
Storm shrugged. "It'll dry up eventually."
Professor Xavier flipped his hair dramatically, swirling a strand between his fingers. "You know, we should probably do something about this."
Wolverine raised an eyebrow. "About the senator?"
Xavier scoffed. "No, no, no. Who cares about a senator? I'm talking about Magneto. What if his antics stress me out and ruin my hair? I could get split ends."
Silence.
Cyclops blinked. "That… would be tragic."
Jean covered her mouth, feigning shock. "We can't let that happen."
Storm nodded seriously. "Yeah. That'd be awful."
Wolverine exhaled, shaking his head. "Fine. Guess we're dealing with Magneto. Can't have you losing your haircare routine. But we are going to figure out your secret Professor and get our hair back. Beast says it's scientifically impossible for you to have hair."
Xavier flipped his hair once more, looking satisfied. "Whatever you will never achieve folical enlightenment at this rate Logan."
The group turned, walking back inside the mansion without so much as a second glance at the puddle of failed villain that was once Senator Kelly.
Kara, watching everyone move on so casually, scratched her head.
"Man," she muttered, stretching her arms. "You guys really do see people die every day, huh?"
Natasha gave a small smirk. "It's a Tuesday."
Kara sighed, completely unfazed. "I love this universe."
Behind them, Kelly's liquefied remains bubbled once before finally going still.
No one cared.
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