"Ayanokouji-kun, you came!"
"What did you want to meet here for Manabe?"
"Always so formal! I already told you; you can knock that off when we're talking, we're friends y'know!" I wouldn't call us friends so quickly, but I suppose that was the difference between someone like me and a social butterfly like Manabe. Over the past week the offer to join Manabe and her two friends had been extended a few times. I had only accepted once when Tokitou and his group had come along. It wasn't particularly eventful; we shared trivia and useless gossip. And by we; I almost assuredly mean everyone else did the majority of the talking. It wasn't for lack of trying on both parts, I did attempt to connect and I'm sure they tried as well. But fundamentally we were different types of people. Manabe who held more interest in her phone than in most other human life would never be able to connect with me nor vice versa. Her contact had made its way into my phone at that time. Oda was particularly excited to exchange contacts with the girls and so the entire group had done so. And that was what led us here.
"I see."
"And as friends, here's a friendly greeting from me." I felt a soft comforting yet sticky feeling on my cheek. Her lips made contact and appeared to have left something on the surface of my skin. Some sort of product? Her lips did seem a lighter shade of red than usual, I guess she was wearing lipstick. I had my predilections, but it appears Manabe was a bit more forward than I was expecting.
"That's a bit much between friends." I would be remiss if Ishizaki or any of my other 'friends' picked this habit up as a formal greeting.
"Oh. What's up? Get you excited or somethin'?! Don't worry about it, it's just thanks for showing up so quickly. Smile." She threw an arm around my shoulder and came in close for a hug, I could feel the ample bosom of her chest against my arm, she angled the phone in her hand so as to capture our faces and upper bodies. No doubt she was attempting to record the evidence she left on my cheek for something later.
"Sorry, do you mind moving back a little bit. You're getting a little bit close."
"Do you not like to be close to me?" She arched forward slightly giving me an ample view into the valley of her cleavage available thanks to the three buttons she had undone.
"…It's nothing like that. I'm a man and you're a woman; some things are just set in stone."
"Hmmm." Manabe's slender finger pointed up from under her chin resting gently on her lips. Falsifying the appearance that she was actually thinking something over right now, not that every action of hers had been decided a long time ago. "Don't you think it's the opposite? I'm a woman, you're a man. It's only natural for us to get this close, don't you think?"
"Other women and men may choose to do that, but that doesn't mean it has to be us specifically."
"Is there a reason it can't be us?"
"As flattered as I am; I don't know anything about you."
"That's hardly a reason; people learn the things they need to know over time. Wouldn't you say that learning everything all at once kind of spoils the fun?"
"In that case what if I wasn't looking for that sort of thing at the moment?"
"Sure. But when is the right moment? Is it after you've graduated? After you've settled here for a semester or two? After you've reached a certain age?"
"I couldn't say."
"Just my two cents. But I think it's when the opportunity presents itself. Look at me." Manabe approached the large fencing that boxed us onto the roof. Like a terrarium that captured the essence of youth. Grasping the chain links, she looked over the campus before turning back to me.
"…"
"Here we are. Just a man and a woman. Alone. Here on the roof of the school. The sound of club practice pervading the air, the scent of fresh sweat, the gusts of clear spring air. No one can see or hear us. The teachers are busy elsewhere, there isn't a single student that could interrupt us. The world has forgotten us. The perfect place for us to get properly acquainted." She forgot the existence of the camera over the door and the photo she had already taken.
"…I can't think of anything we'll be doing that can't be done in front of an audience."
"Well, that's kinky. Didn't think you'd be so bold Ayanokouji-kun. You usually seem a lot flatter, I guess what they say about the quiet ones is true." Her personality didn't seem to flip so much as it did warp. Manabe had previously admonished Ibuki for flirtatious behavior, yet here she was being even more salacious than Ibuki ever had been.
"You know that's not what I meant…"
"It's not like I'm offering something crazy. Besides, it's not a first time for you, right?"
"What's not?"
"Are you being serious now, or joking?"
"You'll have to be clear just what you're asking and offering me. I don't like to make assumptions."
"Well let's call it 'friendship'. This friendship of ours could take many forms, but first and foremost it would be very enjoyable for both of us." What the hell is this crazy girl implying?
"I'm sure you can find others who want that same friendship you're offering; there's no reason it has to be me."
"But not all people can be friends to the same extent. I think you and I could make really good ones. And get a lot… closer than others." To use each other for warmth? I couldn't lie to myself and say I wasn't interested in it. I mean most humans would gladly jump at the offer if it were given on a silver platter. Hell, some would say that this was one of the only reasons we were even on this planet.
Whilst Manabe was charming in her own way…
That which is handed to anyone has no true value. That which is free has only the harshest debts to repay. I fundamentally didn't believe in free things; everything had a price. I've also had enough of living in a world of false binary. Every single thing I experienced was always a 0. Soon enough, anyone would yearn for the single digit difference. There may only be a single digit between 0 and 1. But the entire world lay in that space. It was the space between nothing and everything, between not existing and existing, between life and death. To succumb to basal desires that had no meaning other than to simply eat when hungry was not my objective.
"If you just want to bask in such pleasure ask any number of friends. I'm sure you'll find someone who agrees, rather quickly I might add."
"Wow, you didn't even flinch! That's rare. You seem to acknowledge just what you're throwing away yet have no problems doing so. Maybe, I wasn't wrong."
"About what?"
"Y'see Ayanokouji-kun I think that we're birds of a feather." I doubted that. At least I don't go requisitioning every person I see. I'm pretty sure I don't anyway.
"…"
"I remember seeing you for the first time on that bus. I watched as you quickly approached a girl who by all accounts seemed uninterested in romance and your own attempt to sway her. I assumed that was simply your go to. Your play. Just how you interact with the world. Ibuki was another notch on the belt. You'd grab her and then move onto the next girl. Guys like that come along now and then. But then something unexpected happened." Ibuki refused what might have seemed like a confession. So far I could understand why she had that opinion of me.
"You. By all means a better match than she could hope for was brought down immediately and shamefully. But honestly whilst everyone was there laughing or in shock, I was just happy."
"Seeing my downfall brought you that much levity?"
"I was ecstatic, because there was finally someone like me. Someone I could agree with. Love is cheap. It's romanticized garbage that children spew forth like vomit and virgins eat up from a trough. A few honeyed words from the right mouth, a couple intoxicating whispers at the right time and even the most solid relationship cracks and crumbles. I know it because how you interact with Ibuki is the exact same way those guys talk to girls. There was no fear in your face or voice when you shouted that in the middle of a crowded bus. It wasn't a romantic attraction; it wasn't love or any of that soppy bullshit. You don't care about her; you don't care about any woman. Every single woman is just another body for you." Manabe couldn't be more right in the wrong way if she tried. She was close. But even in this way we would never see eye to eye.
"I suppose you were going to end that with 'just like me'?" Strangely enough she was rather forthcoming about this revelation. I would've thought such nihilistic thoughts would be hidden from view.
"See, we're even finishing each other's sentences. Isn't this the most fitting? We couldn't be more alike. I hate the notion of love, there are no soulmates… But, if it's with you. Who knows, we might have a decent shot at something at least enjoyable." If that's the case we were nothing alike. Even if I didn't believe in those thoughts, I did want to.
"I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you."
"Aww. You're breaking my heart. Is it not fun because it's not a game anymore? I can play along if you want me to. Besides, there are added bonuses to having a bit of experience you might find useful…" I had wondered just what she had planned by calling me here, suffice to say I'm surprised it took this turn. Rather, I didn't expect this sort of confession to come so soon. That was exactly why my decision was automatic. I didn't even have to think about denying her advances.
"I think you've just fundamentally misunderstood me."
"Hmmm. Nah, I don't think so." she said in a sing song voice as if it didn't need any contemplation.
"Usually, you'd at least let me explain myself when I say that."
"Oh, go ahead. It probably won't change my mind though." She said rather energetically.
"Did you ever think that I said that just to prevent getting kicked?"
"For a second maybe. But you quickly forgave her after, then you started talking to her more and even took care of her when she was sick. All of them were pretty standard moves to get her to like you." I could understand avoiding someone that hurts you, but most of this is pretty normal, isn't it? Just how abnormal were the guys she has been accustomed to?
"Is everything I say going to be twisted that way now?" It didn't look like she was even paying attention to anything I was saying.
"I think, after that humiliation you've been hooked on Ibuki and plan to seduce her through any means necessary. And you won't feel right until you do, because it would crash your whole world view. If you can't have her then what if you were wrong all this time. That's probably what's going through your head right now." If love meant nothing then any person could attract another, it reduced romantic attraction to an equation. A string of instructions that could be manipulated to always receive a positive answer. Is that how Manabe saw the world? So long as the right words were said then they could have anyone, and it wouldn't really matter in the end?
"Ever think that I'm just trying to be a nice person and forgive a not so serious offence?"
"I dunno. Would a nice person let me bully their friend for a week and make them stop talking to you?" It was my understanding the bullying had already stopped. After all, Ibuki had already stopped contacting me. I suppose you could argue that the threat of further harassment was enough to dissuade her.
"…Is that what you've been doing to Ibuki?"
"Let's not do that. I was clearly targeting her from the start, she understood just as you did that if she avoids you I won't bother her."
"I don't know what you're talking about. But that doesn't sound like a particularly nice thing to do."
"The act isn't particularly convincing. I've seen plenty of guys do this, even had some of them try it on me. You wait for her to come to you. What does she value more; her school life or being able to talk with you? You should be thanking me for setting it up." She was right that I was testing Ibuki with it, but it wasn't for romantic purposes. That wasn't in the cards for me yet.
A betting man might assume that means Ibuki was more devoted to keeping her head down than trying to connect with me again. They would be wrong. I hadn't seen Ibuki the past week by chance. Every time we 'happened' across each other my location had been given to her prior. She had chosen to end up in those locations due to 'happenstance' or some other fortuitous event. She was likely wrestling with the desire to talk and connect with others and the logical deduction to avoid them and focus on graduating. She no doubt used all manners of excuses in her own head to validate her behavior.
In her mind she was a martyr that was sacrificing that interest to save from dragging me down into unpopularity alongside her. But it was all just a convenient excuse. The mind did this in certain circumstances, I wasn't immune to its pull. No one is. Loneliness was a curse that dragged people down way below the depths, eventually you look for any way out, even subconsciously. After all, I'm here aren't I? I craved human connection like any other person. Arguably more.
"Now I'm confused, are you trying to help me in this illusory pursuit? Or are you trying to separate us?"
"I gave her enough of a chance. She made it clear what she valued, didn't she? That should make your choice even more obvious."
"It just doesn't add up."
"I agree, you're tripping over a girl that's not even all that."
"No. You don't believe in love of any kind, yet you have an issue with me pursuing another person. If you believed everything was all just chemicals in the end then it wouldn't matter if I pursued other people." It was very rare to see a person that practiced nihilism fully. If they did they probably wouldn't be alive for very long in all fairness.
"Not believing in love and not wanting to be spat on are different things. It's like saying I'm not enough to satisfy you. It's simple. I've marked you myself. That makes you mine." The Karuizawa method, huh? It doesn't feel particularly bad to be sought after to this extent, that is if the feelings were genuine. I wonder if Hirata felt the same way I did right now. I enjoyed seeing some actual trepidation for the interested person in question, that was why Mii-chan was so enamoring to me and why Manabe felt so lackluster in comparison. Because there was nothing there, Manabe could initiate these strategies against any other number of men and probably already has before today. It was rehearsed affection.
"I don't remember becoming a pet."
"Pet or human, it doesn't matter. Everyone is controlled by something. Even now you're controlled by that devotion to her. By your commitment to the chase."
"What are you controlled by Manabe?" Influence probably. I didn't believe that she was fully invested in me. If there was another boy in the class with similar characteristics then she likely would've flocked to him instead. It was much too quick to jump to the conclusion that I was like her from those few encounters. Likely she was going to say anything to make me believe that she was on my side, had my best interest at heart, but there was no doubt in my mind. She would turn on me like a starved viper as soon as the circumstance arose.
"My attraction to you." No. Not to me.
"My feelings aren't the same. I don't share your same ideals; in fact, I think you should treasure your body more."
"…" For once Manabe went silent and leveled a glare at me.
"…Treasure my body more? What a crock of shit. Give it a rest. That sort of stuff makes you sound old. The type of guy that says that pisses me off more than any other."
"It seems we won't get along then."
"Everyone that's ever said that has been the same in the end. People don't practice what they preach. All of the ancient fuckers that say that stuff are guilty of the exact same crime they demonize." I'm sure there was immeasurable baggage behind that charged statement. But that was something Manabe had to deal with.
"And if I truly believed it?"
"Then you're not just naïve, you're a complete idiot."
"That's probably true but I'd rather take those risks than ultimately wallow in despair."
"It's not despair it's reality."
"Then I'll find my own reality."
"Seriously, what is so important about that girl to you? She's a dime-a-dozen. You could find several different girls that are basically the same in this year alone."
"That's the point."
"The hell are you talking about?"
"Friendship isn't dictated by superficial character traits, how good looking or smart a person is. But by a genuine understanding of each other. Something that comes from effort and sacrifice."
"You really are an idiot. That isn't what friendship looks like. Friends are the dogs you feed to keep off the doorstep at night. At the end of the day everyone is looking out for themselves." I felt a pang of sympathy for the girls that were constantly around her. They appeared to genuinely care for Manabe, unfortunately when nihilism grips a person it is uncompromising.
"I would like to believe in something greater than that bleak reality."
"You think you'll find that from her of all people?"
"I would like to hope that I do."
"…You're delusional. I didn't want to do this. Think it over. Carry on with your pursuit and I'll send that picture to her." That was her plan? Certainly, it might pose an issue if I were pursuing a relationship with Ibuki, but that wasn't the case. Was it that hard to believe I wanted to be friends with a girl, without thinking of anything beyond that right now?
"I only plan on befriending her." Assuming I agreed to Manabe's deal she wasn't the type to allow Ibuki in no matter how I viewed her. In the same way that Manabe thought I was wooing Ibuki she was attempting the same as me. Subtle manipulation and trickery to get into my head. If it was her body or her word she was fully ready to throw it on the line for this. How ironic. You could often see the worst of yourself in your enemy, in Manabe's case it was quite fitting. For all her assertions that Ibuki was 'easy' or 'promiscuous' Manabe was quick to rely on those same strategies to get her own way.
"And yet you're here fraternizing with the enemy? Did you come here with no plan in mind?" In my defense I was only asked to come here, I had no idea what the meeting would entail.
"I tend to not view people as enemies. You are a classmate after all."
"You might come to regret that. The world is a much crueler place than you imagine."
"Why? Because you'll spread that picture? You were the one that initiated it. You'll have to explain just why you're being so eager with someone you've only known for a few days."
"Wow, you are dense. You really don't know about your reputation in class? Most of the other students think you and Ibuki have already fucked. Then, you don't speak to her for a week and start chasing other skirts. All they'll see is a playboy and another victim of his seduction." She shrugged her shoulder as if the outcome was obvious. It was. For some reason I would be viewed as the perpetrator of this incident despite the free will of any women involved. Certainly, some deception and flattery might be in the philanderers' hands, but every person was ultimately responsible for their own choices.
"That could certainly net some sympathy."
"Exactly, if you want to enjoy the rest of your time here just agree to my proposa-"
"Do it."
"…What?"
"I already told you. Friendship is formed through sacrifice and effort. Vain factors like reputation, looks, grades, athleticism. They don't mean anything in what I'm looking for. Ibuki risked her reputation and social life for me, I'd be a bad friend if I wasn't prepared to do the same."
"…I don't believe you. I won't believe it. If you just want friendship then anyone else could do."
"As true as can be. I still choose Ibuki." I've already invested my time in this. Plus, Ibuki like me wasn't a complete person yet. I couldn't think of anyone more fitting to be my first real friend.
"You…" Her monologue had run dry. Manabe was beginning to understand that I wasn't what she envisioned, whether that made her angrier or not I wasn't sure. She breathed deeply before resetting.
"There's no reason to think about it so deeply now. It's a big choice. Think over it some more. Some things just feel good and that's fine enough. Does there always have to be this inane reasoning behind everything? Can't things just feel good and that's it?" Her fingers played with the hem of my blazer before resting her hands on my chest.
"So, what? You propose to just make each other feel good and that's the extent of your deal? I don't really see what you get from it apart from the meager cravings you might have." It felt good to give into urges, it was the whole reason the deadly sins were universally identified. At the end of the day, it was purely hedonism. A life of it would become dull. I would feel the same as when I was in that cold sterile room. All the stimulation in the world can't make you forget about the world itself. It's always there, a blue giant in the periphery. You just needed to turn your head and look at it.
"It's not like I'd give this offer to just anyone, you know? I have genuine interest in you Ayanokouji-kun. You're cute, even if you don't see it, somewhat popular, smart, you can hold a conversation. And just revealed to me now, pretty innocent! I still don't believe it, but could that have been your first kiss?"
"…"
"Bullseye. Besides I'm not saying we have to take it so fast. I'm still a girl at heart so I wouldn't mind taking our time. I'm just suggesting a guy and a girl that have a mutual attraction get together. Not everything has to be so complicated."
"…Are you just assuming I'm attracted to you now?"
"That'd be a whole lot more convincing if you didn't gaze at my cleavage every few seconds."
"Even if I didn't look at them you'd still say that I did."
"Well, did you?"
"…Yeah."
"Good boy. If you agree to my deal you can look as long as you want."
"I feel like you'd let me look as long as I want either way."
"It's a win-win for me. Every time you look over here I can feel your willpower slipping."
"Damn succubus."
"Whatever you say playboy. I'll give you a day to figure things out. Beware tomorrow, I'll have you tripping over yourself." What was she… Ah, gym class. It's scheduled to be our first swimming class of the semester. I was looking forward to seeing… No, don't let the evil succubus take control of your mind, you're better than that!
Guess I should prepare for the worst tomorrow. Although I can't lie. Watching Manabe's figure descend down the stairs I couldn't help but anticipate just what she had planned for tomorrow. It should be interesting.
---
Word count: 4150
First let me apologise for the lack of updates, it's been about a month now. The latest chapter on the patreon has kept me stumped. I've been staring down this behemoth of a chapter for a while now, the next chapter in comparison is basically finished. Just some touch ups and edits and ready to post. It wasn't so much the ideas that didn't flow, but the execution, the way that I conveyed them I had an issue with. I suppose that's just the limitations of my ability as a writer talking there. One foot forward at a time, I guess.
Back to this chapter.
Manabe's quite a bit different from how she's portrayed in canon. I thought it'd be interesting to delve more into the idea that she was experienced with romance and the like since she's like the authentic version of what Karuizawa portrays herself as.
Manabe's sexual promiscuity stems from a lack of good leading figures in her own life and a sense of nihilism that has developed as she became more reliant on this method to get what she wants. She also acts as a direct parallel to what Ayanokouji wants to achieve and experience himself.
Hedonism/Desire Vs. Authenticity/Companionship.
This is kinda what the main focus of the story will be. There will still be psychological tricks and drama, but I want to focus more on the actual character dynamics and give Ayanokouji a chance to develop properly.
To be honest I haven't read canon since y2v5 but from what I hear his goals are all over the place and he seems to flipflop back and forth in his development.
I just hope I've been giving the drama and dialogue the right tone, so it doesn't seem melodramatic. It's a bit of a pain striking the right balance.
Hopefully you all enjoyed the chapter, let me know any of your thoughts in the comments below.
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Until next time.