"What's got you nervous?"
Savannah glanced toward Wilfred, the shaking in her leg coming to a stop. His eyes held the same question with a raised eyebrow from his desk.
"Nothing." Even her response was dumb. She wanted to slap herself for throwing that out there like a teenager. That's precisely what she felt like, a swooning teenager with her first crush, right back at the beginning when everything felt crisp and fresh before it all fell apart.
Was it falling apart before it had even begun?
Wilfred's eyebrows raised further at her response. The corner of his mouth twitched up, and his nostrils flared, yet he didn't laugh. Though she could tell he wanted to.
Savannah rolled her eyes. "Shut up."
"I didn't say anything," he defended, raising his arms halfway.
Savannah ruffled with the papers in front of her, doing anything but glance in Wilfred's direction to give him a doubtful look.
"In all seriousness, though. What makes you so nervous? If I need to kick someone for hurting you, I will." Wilfred's tone was light, joking even, but with the time they had spent together, she also knew he was half-serious if she asked.
She snorted at that thought. Picturing Wilfred standing before Asmodeus and kicking him was a sight that would be hilarious to see. And as much as she'd want to see that, if only to watch Asmodeus's face, there was nothing Wilfred could do for the anxiety she caused herself. It was a topic she needed to discuss in person. There was nothing worse than to have a conversation over the phone when she'd rather be able to gaze into his eyes and assess if what he said was true herself or not. She also knew that asking for coffee that day wouldn't have been a good idea. Not when emotions ran haywire and wild like a live wire that could be set off any moment. That was also her call. Something Asmodeus obliged without hesitation, sticking to the terms he let her set.
Now, she couldn't sit still as the week had passed. A whole week to settle everything her mind screamed at her to do, while her heart and gut told her to get answers and clarification. "It's nothing, honestly. I've just had a lot on my mind, and thinking about it a lot has shot my nerves."
Wilfred stared at her with a dubious expression. There was no way she wouldn't have doubted that if she sat where he was, but there was nothing more to do than stew in the anxiety she caused herself until tomorrow.
Your terms. She had taken his words with a grain of salt, yet he meant it. Every word was emphasized. Anything she had wanted to know was at the tip of her fingers; all she had to do was ask. It was simple, yet they were beyond the depth of what she fully understood. People often had minced words like those together, never truly meaning them to the full extent.
Asmodeus was different.
So vastly different than she was used to. She strived to have a bond like her parents, and she thought she had that until words had become empty without meaning and sin went without judgement. Actions became louder than the words whispered in her ear. She didn't want to go down that road again and only took the actions of those in front of her. Maybe if she had, she would have known how much truth was in those words.
Wilfred's voice broke her out of her thoughts, turning her gaze back to him again. Concern was etched in his gaze, but there was something that lingered a big deeper than she couldn't put into words. "If they have you thinking that hard to the point of jumping out of your skin with worry, is it worth it?"
Her hand froze over the paper. His question threw her off. It wasn't light, nor was it crossing a line that didn't need to be spoken, but it ran alongside it very closely. His tone was gentle, yet the words held so much weight that she couldn't respond, repeating them repeatedly to ensure she hadn't mistaken them. "If anyone is to blame, it would be me. I... I had thought what I was doing was what-frankly, I messed up. I've never had someone be willing to be... so open that I overlooked it as a possibility."
Wilfred's eyebrows raised slightly, a low whistle filling the room. The corner of his mouth tugged into a grin, and she rolled her eyes again at how his eyes shined with amusement. "So, you got him wrapped around your finger, huh?"
Savannah waved his words off, turning back to the papers as she responded. "God, no. He's considerate, and I didn't notice how much until recently. Makes me feel stupid for not seeing it before, and that's why I'm so nervous now."
"Don't be," Wilfred's voice drifted over to her. "No one's ever stupid for something they can't see or don't understand. It's what they do with that knowledge afterward that counts, and you seem to be making the choice that you find best. Whether it's what makes you happy or a step into something life-fulfilling."
"I didn't know you had a way with words, Wilfred." She laughed, shaking her head. Hearing his words made her feel slightly better, easing the tension in her body, even if it were a small amount. Her stomach was still coiled with the topics she wanted to discuss and where it left them when it was done. She didn't want everything to end so quickly, not when it felt like she had just begun to breathe again.
Wilfred's words were soft, holding a tightness in his tone. When she glanced toward him, how gaze was now lowered onto his own papers he worked on. "There's a lot most don't know. We all have some secrets we keep hidden for various reasons."
She raised a shoulder, making a face at the truth of his statement. Even though she had a secret-albeit small - it was something she kept close guarded because of the impact it could have on those she knew. Another person's secrets were not her business unless the person willingly gave them away, and Wilfred didn't seem to want to partake in that exchange, which she had no problems with since she didn't either.
Their grading continued with small talk, avoiding the topic that had been brought up before they called it a day. Wilfred was something of a friend when she had gotten to know him, though it wasn't at the depth she was with Rachel or Max. Even Arielle. That was a spot that wouldn't be filled.
Bidding Wilfred goodnight, they left the school premises with Wilfred taking half the stacks of papers home with him. He was adamant about doing his part, and she wasn't one to tell him no if he thought he could handle it. He had her number if any questions came up over the weekend anyway.
Sunday was the only day she dreaded, more than the date...meet up,she had set with Asmodeus tomorrow. The same feeling of hair standing on end had bothered her since that day outside church. Nothing was ever there. Not when she looked.
Sliding into her vehicle, the door shut with a resounding, finality sound. Her hands gripped the steering wheel, tightening before she started the vehicle and pulled out of the parking lot.
A bottle of red was what she needed, and that was exactly what she did when she arrived home. Her keys and purse went right onto the bar top while her bag of schoolwork was dropped onto the floor at her feet. Red wine filled the glass to the rim, more than she had ever poured, almost spilling over when she sauntered to her couch and sat down. She pulled her feet under her and curled into the corner of the sofa. The sweet and savory flavor slid down her throat that she welcomed. It didn't take long for a different kind of warmth to spread throughout her body. One she welcomed the feeling of as she glanced around her apartment.
Silent, desolate, and near empty.
It summed up her current state. Open, barely filled, while everything else barely held meaning. Not one piece had been taken from the apartment she had shared with David. It was all bought used from a thrift store, withered, torn, with spots that were visibly worn from use over time. It was laughable how she could easily compare herself to used furniture. She couldn't say she loved them wholeheartedly, yet it served their purpose-something she apparently couldn't do.
Savannah raised the glass to her lips, taking another long sip. Those thoughts had no place in her mind, trying to torment her all night. She knew allowing them to fester would only eat away at the small part of her that knew she wasn't suitable for Asmodeus, drawing on the self-conscious feeling that would make her back out.
Would you regret walking away? She never thought the words from someone she met at a club would hold so much weight that she began to live by them. Regret was something she never gave much thought to, and she walked the path that lay before her.
Because it was her path, wasn't it?
That same path had begun to swerve with tight corners and rock slides that made no sound until they nearly crushed her, blocking the path she was on, making her find another way around. Thick and dark clouds had rolled in without wind-no warning of the storm that had cascaded down over everything. The only ray of light that spread throughout the dreary landscape was him. Blue eyes that made the most transparent water appear murky. The crinkles near his eyes seemed to hold many stories. The way his mouth curved, forming a smirk or a smile that tugged at every string around her heart.
Walking away wasn't an option. It hadn't been since he spoke those words. They were a lifeline she clung to when nothing seemed to make sense in her life. She didn't know where or who to turn to without clear answers.
The faith she believed in that seemed to have taken everything from her?
There was nothing there to indicate the feelings she had about that.
The doctors for not catching it? They were human. Even if a mistake could have been put in the scenario, what happened to Arielle happened often-enough so that it couldn't be blamed on anyone.
Herself? She was a great friend, or at least she had hoped she was. She had her problems that she tried never to bring anyone into, yet Arielle always had a way of finding out and helping her no matter what it was. Savannah would try and fail with almost every effort when Arielle needed her. She admired her for being able to bounce back from anything and handle more than she could. If she took two steps, Arielle always seemed to take five. Some had thought it would drive a wedge between them, yet it had never bothered Savannah. Her eyes never wavered when she watched her best friend and sister achieve everything she dreamed of by herself because Arielle never left her in the shadow of it all. They had different goals in life, though they pushed each other in ways that made their dreams come true or grasped onto their hand when something tumbled down.
Asmodeus had become that answer. A beautifully wrapped sin that tempted her in every way, yet he never pushed more than she gave. He spoke in ways that made him seem wiser than she heard from elders in the church, with advice that rivaled any she had ever been given. His physique and aura lived up to the name his parents gave him. Alluring, tempting, with a hunger deep down that wouldn't be satiated; like the angel he was named after. She hadn't touched him in any way, yet every part of her wanted to. Her body craved it at times even.
And that was the greatest sin of all. Falling to temptation and desire.
Chugging the rest of her wine, she leaned against the couch and closed her eyes. It was no use pondering over any of it. Nothing would change the past. There was no bringing the dead back-no magic or powerful sorcerers in real life. The blame lay empty, with nowhere to rest. Left to rot in whatever void they took up, piling up along with many others.
It also didn't change that she shouldn't have thoughts about Asmodeus until she was sure what was between them. Some doubts screamed from the corner of her mind that he was playing with her, biding his time, yet she knew the actions he had taken spoke more than the voices in her head. He didn't have to wait for her. She knew that very well when he conveyed how many partners he had taken to bed before they met. It only made the gut-wrenching nerves come alive more.
How could she compare to all those who came before her? She was inexperienced as it was.