The Hokage's office was dead silent.
Hiruzen sat quietly, fingers steepled, his brow furrowed in deep thought. The rest of the so-called Konoha F4, Danzo, Homura, and Koharu, looked equally troubled.
"A cremation shop?" Koharu finally broke the silence, her voice uncertain.
"Does he mean… like an actual funeral service?" Homura muttered, glancing around as if someone might confirm it was all a misunderstanding.
"But the ninja world has coffins," Koharu pointed out, confused. "Why… cremation?"
The four sat, trying and failing to connect the dots.
If it were a weapon shop? That would make sense. A tea house? Sure. A sake bar? Believable.
But this?
Why would the genius of the Uchiha, acknowledged by Lady Mito herself, wielder of the Mangekyou, open a cremation shop?
Danzo's eye twitched. "What's that devil up to now?" he muttered, his voice low.
The room lapsed into murmured debate, each one more cautious than the next, their paranoia about Kadoya Uchiha stronger than ever. Years ago, after Danzo's failed attempt to discredit him at the end of the Second Shinobi War, Kadoya had revealed his Mangekyou, then withdrawn from most public life. Since then, he only showed himself at Ichiraku Ramen or during council meetings.
And now… this.
"We're overthinking it," Hiruzen finally said, sighing. "Let's just go see it for ourselves." He rose, adjusting his hat.
"H-Hokage-sama!"
The ANBU agent still on one knee, stopping them mid-step.
Hiruzen turned, trying to keep his patience. "What is it?"
The ANBU hesitated, his tone cautious. "There's… one more thing. Kadoya Uchiha put up a promotional flyer for the shop."
Danzo narrowed his eyes. "A flyer?"
"There are no small matters when it comes to the Uchiha," Koharu snapped. "Spit it out!"
The ANBU, looking like he'd rather be anywhere else, handed over a piece of paper.
"This is… his advertisement."
The Anbu handed over a prepared piece of paper.
Uchiha Cremation Shop - Grand Opening Special!
One Week Only!
Cremate One, Get One Free! Bring a friend, make it a bonding experience, they'll love you for it.
Got a friend who's overstayed their welcome? An in-law you're dying to get rid of? Book early, slots are filling fast!
Our state-of-the-art furnace is already preheated! First come, first served. We're on fire for you.
We promise to send you off with a warm smile, turning you into a gentle wisp of smoke drifting across the blue sky… over mountains, past oceans, maybe straight into the next life.
From the Uchiha, our sincerest blessings. You deserve it!
Konoha F4: "..."
The four elders stared at the flyer in stunned silence.
It was… surreal.
Not only did it feel entirely out of character for the Uchiha, but it also didn't even make normal sense.
Danzo slowly lowered the flyer, expression unreadable. "This… doesn't look like something an Uchiha should be doing."
Koharu shook her head, as if trying to clear a bad dream. "No… no, it doesn't."
The four thought about it for a moment before a thought came into their mind.
They simultaneously thought of their teacher.
Back then, their teacher also used corpses to develop a very terrifying forbidden jutsu.
That jutsu, if not handled well, could destroy the entire ninja world, to the extent that even their teacher was afraid of it and personally sealed it away.
This evil Uchiha...
A chill ran down their spines as a terrible realization settled in.
If the Uchiha possessed such a forbidden jutsu, it would truly be a disaster for the ninja world.
"Mobilize all available ANBU!" Hiruzen barked, his breath quickening. "I want full surveillance on Kadoya Uchiha with all your might, do you hear me?"
"Yes, Lord Hokage!"
Without wasting another second, Hiruzen stormed out of the office, only to return a moment later.
"I forgot my armor."
Five minutes later, the Third Hokage emerged again, now wearing full battle armor under his Hokage robes.
The two Hokage advisers and the Hokage's assistant were the first to turn to run and hide, leaving the Third to go alone.
...
"Now this is a good shop." Kadoya said, nodding in satisfaction as he strolled slowly through his new cremation business.
He circled the store twice, appreciating every small detail, the polished floors, the fresh pine scent of newly sanded coffins, the perfectly aligned urn display.
Finally, he walked over to a particularly luxurious spruce coffin, lined with plush red cushions, and lay down inside it like it was a five-star hotel bed.
He exhaled deeply, arms crossed behind his head.
The shop spanned over a hundred square meters, simple, clean, and eerily serene. On one side were cold-storage body cabinets; on the other, custom-made coffins with names like Heavenly Drift and Ash to Ash Deluxe Edition.
Suddenly, the shop's front bell jingled.
A familiar scent drifted in.
Tsume Inuzuka stood in the doorway, her nose twitching in confusion and disbelief. She looked around, taking it all in, the softly humming furnaces, the polished urns, the man lounging in a coffin like it was a hot tub.
Her eyes narrowed.
"…Kadoya?" she asked, stunned. "What the hell are you doing?"
Kadoya sat up casually from the coffin like a vampire rising from slumber.
"Yo, Tsume. Long time no sniff," he said, giving her a casual wave.
Tsume: "…"
She blinked once, twice, then stared at him like he'd grown a second head. "No. Seriously, what is this? Why this line of work?"
Kadoya clicked his tongue, swinging his legs over the side of the coffin.
"Isn't it obvious? I'm opening a shop. This line of work is… profitable." He smirked.
Tsume crossed her arms, unconvinced. "Yeah, and I'm a Nara with a work ethic. You're not broke, Kadoya. Don't even try that."
She remembered the Academy days, Minato always said he'd treat, but Kadoya was the one who paid. Mostly because Kushina and Tsume themselves ate like war refugees. He was many things, but stingy was not one of them.
Kadoya raised a brow. "So... you're not here to support the grand opening?"
Tsume: "…"
She choked on air.
Support it?
What was she supposed to do, preorder her own cremation package? Buy a limited-edition coffin and have it delivered to her living room?
Sure, her parents gave her some freedom… but if she walked into the compound with a coffin like it was a futon, her mom would absolutely beat her until she needed cremation.
"Yeah, no. I like living." Tsume muttered.
"Well," Kadoya shrugged, lying back down with a grin, "if you ever change your mind… we've got early bird discounts for those who don't plan on seeing next week."
Tsume: "…"
"And we do pet cremations, too!"
She clenched her fist, wanting to beat him up, but since she isn't Saiguu, Tsume wasn't sure if Kadoya would fight back or not.
Just as Tsume was still trying to process the absurdity of Kadoya's business, the doorbell jingled again.
Kadoya turned eagerly. "Nawaki! Long time no see! Are you here to support my business? I knew you were a real one!" he beamed, immediately rushing over and grabbing the stunned Senju by the arm before he could get a word in.
"Wait, hold on-" Nawaki stammered, caught off guard as Kadoya dragged him toward the registration counter like a prized customer.
Kadoya's enthusiasm was palpable. "Come, come! Let me show you our premium package lineup. We've got five tiers: Ordinary, Genin, Chunin, Jonin, and our top-of-the-line, ultra-exclusive Kage Package. Also known as the Hokage Experience™."
Both Tsume and Nawaki froze mid-step.
Their mental hamsters started sprinting at top speed on rusty wheels.
Hokage Package? Was he trying to cremate the actual Hokage!?
Seeing their baffled expressions, Kadoya smiled proudly like a man unveiling a revolutionary idea.
"What? Think about it!" he said. "Every ninja wants to be Hokage, but there can only be one. So why not experience it in death? You may not have the fate to be Hokage while alive… but in my shop, everyone can go out like a Hokage!"
Tsume: "…"
Nawaki: "…"
Both of them were speechless.
The worst part was, it made sense.
They couldn't even argue with the logic. He was out of his mind, but he was also right.
Still, they had a creeping feeling that if they nodded too hard, Kadoya would march straight to the Hokage's office and try to "schedule" a cremation for Hiruzen.
Kadoya, smiling ear to ear, took their silence as agreement. "Judging by your thoughtful faces, I knew you got it!"
He plopped a pen into Nawaki's hand and gently guided it toward the open registry book.
"Here, since we're old teammates, I'll give you a 20% discount. C'mon, try dying once. Just once. For the homies. Support my local business."
Nawaki stared at the book. His hand, almost subconsciously, had already scribbled 'Nawaki Senj–'
"YOU DAMN EVIL UCHIHA!" he exploded, hurling the pen across the room. "DO I LOOK LIKE A JOKE TO YOU?!"
Unfazed, Kadoya simply gave him a calm, reassuring smile.
"Don't worry, Nawaki. I'm sure Tsunade-sensei would be delighted if she knew."
Nawaki turned pale instantly.
He pictured Tsunade finding out he signed up for cremation like it was a gym membership. She would break his legs, tie him to a hospital bed, and feed him slugs for breakfast.
"You wouldn't."
"I might."
The small bell above the door jingled again.
"Welcome!" Kadoya called out, not even bothering to look passed the two standing before him.
"May I ask if the customer is here to cremate a friend, a relative, themselves... or perhaps a long-time rival? Different people, different prices."
He kept going, tone light and professional.
"We offer five cremation packages: Ordinary, Genin, Chunin, Jonin, and our signature Hokage Experience™, which guarantees a dignified departure with a peaceful smile. Now then-"
He finally looked up.
"-which level would the customer like to try personally...?"
His words trailed off.
Standing at the door, with the air of someone who had chewed glass for breakfast, was none other than Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage.
Kadoya blinked. "...Ah."
The two stared at each other for a long, heavy moment.
Then, Hiruzen exhaled and rubbed his temples. His voice was tight, trying, and failing to stay calm.
"Kadoya… what is the meaning of this? A cremation shop? If your father Kagami were still alive, do you know how angry he'd be right now?"
He didn't say "are you out of your damn mind?" but it was definitely in the air.
Kadoya placed a thoughtful hand under his chin.
"You're right. He'd be furious." He nodded solemnly, then added,
"He didn't even have a body left when he died. If he knew his son opened a cremation shop, he would definitely be angry that he didn't get to enjoy it."
Hiruzen: "..."
Kadoya turned to his registry book.
He looked at the Third Hokage and said with a smile, "Hokage-sama, coming here, could it be to book for Danzo? Right, I'll note it down for you." He flipped a page and casually scrawled Danzo's name.
"You are also booking for Elder Mitokado and Elder Utatane, right? I'll even throw in a group discount." Two more names added.
"Still not enough?" Kadoya raised an eyebrow. "Has Hokage-sama grown tired of living? Let me book you one too." With a flourish, he wrote 'Sarutobi Hiruzen' across the page.
The Third Hokage's eyelid twitched violently. "…Is it so hard to believe I simply wanted to visit the son of an old friend?"
Kadoya replied just as flatly. "Based on how often you've visited the Uchiha Compound to see me… yeah, I know exactly how many times."
That did it.
Hiruzen's blood pressure shot up.
The Konoha F4 didn't even have the guts to step through that gate. Root personnel who entered got beaten and declared spies before being thrown into prison, with many becoming cripple due to how bad of a beating the Uchiha gave them.
Anbu already knew about the Root personnel's fate; many didn't dare to activate their chakra when entering.
Who knew if the Uchiha would suddenly announce that they are spies and would beat them up?
Only those who have a close relationship with Kadoya, and people with a special permit could enter and use chakra without worrying about being beaten.
For example, Sakumo could enter the Uchiha Compound without worrying about being suddenly jumped. And after seeing how advanced the Uchiha is now. He even wanted to have his son study at the Uchiha Academy.
But since Kakashi isn't part Uchiha, getting him in is a bit difficult. Especially since Kakashi is requesting early graduation from the Ninja Academy.
The only reason Kakashi's transfer hasn't been accepted yet is that Kakashi doesn't think that he needs school anymore, and Sakumo wasn't the type to force his son into school when he doesn't want to. Making him a bit reluctant to submit Kakashi's transfer.
Hiruzen inhaled deeply, trying to calm his nerves as he looked at the smug young man in front of him.
If Kadoya weren't Kagami's son... and weren't so absurdly powerful... the Hokage might've ordered a quiet midnight assassination.
But alas.
With a long sigh, he tried one last angle.
He sighed and said, "Kadoya, you are an excellent ninja with the potential to become Hokage, I hope you can focus a bit more, even if it's for your deceased father, Kagami!"
"Yeah, my father died so miserably, there wasn't even a body left." Kadoya also sighed and said, "Otherwise, using my father's body as the shop's opening ceremony would definitely be meaningful. I bet he'd bless the shop to prosper... and help me cremate the entire ninja world."
Hiruzen: "…"
You truly are a filial son.