I kid you not—he squawked in perfect rhythm.
"Did he just rhyme 'rice' with 'slice'?" I whispered to Yue.
She nodded solemnly. "He's transcending."
Meanwhile, the Demon god stood in the corner, hands raised to the heavens. "WE SHALL FORGE THE SOUND OF WAR WITHIN THE FLAMES OF PASSION!" A disciple fainted from emotional whiplash.
Another tried to channel spiritual energy through a kazoo. I was about to scream. Then Yue tossed me a craved wooden stick as a mic.
"Your turn," she said.
I blinked. "What?"
"You're our music leader. Spit a verse."
Oh no....They all turned to me, including the chicken.
My palms were sweaty. My robes were heavy. Mom's tofu noodles—
Wait, wrong universe.
I took a deep breath… and unleashed:
> "Betrayed, slayed, then reincarnated—
They laughed at me, now look, I'm elevated.
You brought swords? I brought style,
Now step aside while I conquer with guile."
Silence.
Then— A single clap....Cluckthulhu. The chicken approved.
Yue grinned. "We might actually win this."
I nodded, sweat dripping. "We just need a miracle." Or a chorus line. Either works.
Night fell. The moon hung high, tranquil and serene. And then the sky exploded.
"INCOMING!" someone screamed as a glowing talisman shot across the clouds—blazing like a comet, humming with spiritual energy, and trailing what I can only describe as glitter-infused arrogance.
It smacked into our sect's announcement wall. The wall burst into flames.
Everyone gathered around as the talisman activated, projecting a massive glowing scroll in the sky, flashing with dramatic calligraphy:
> "THE HEAVENLY SECT PRESENTS: THE SOUND OF JUDGMENT
LIVE. ON THE SAY OF CHAOS.
FEATURING: MASTER SHAO THE LYRICAL SLAYER
SPIRIT FLUTE SQUAD.
THE TEN THOUSAND TEMPLE BACKUP DANCERS.
SPECIAL GUEST: A FREAKING PHOENIX."
I blinked. "They… they booked a mythical bird?"
Yue whistled. "Wow. They're going full production." A disciple fainted.
The Demon King snarled. "A phoenix? Who needs fire when we have a chicken possessed by the souls of ancient rappers?"
Cluckthulhu puffed up dramatically, feathers glowing. Still. I felt the pressure. This wasn't just a diss war anymore. This was a celestial event.
I turned to the group. "Alright. If they want a show—" BOOM!
The flaming wall exploded behind me mid-sentence.
Yue was already scribbling notes. "Okay. New plan. We beat them AND upstage them. Fireworks. Lyrical choreography. A giant spirit lion made of smoke."
"What?" I said.
"We're going full budget chaos," she grinned. "Get ready to sell your old robes. We need glitter-infused talismans and three backup dancers minimum."
I rubbed my temples. "This… is war." Cluckthulhu squawked. Then rapped....Again. Man! This bird was terrifying.
---
Lyrical War Begins — Battle of the Bards
The grand arena was packed. Not with swords. Not with spears.
But with lutes, drums, and wooden spiritual mic artifacts blessed by the Ancients themselves.
Hovering above the arena were thousands of cultivators from every sect across the Four Realms. Even a few ghost cultivators had shown up, likely resurrected just to catch this beef unfold.
I stood on the obsidian platform, arms crossed, robes fluttering, surrounded by my crew — Yue, the Demon god could not present himself, hence the Demon King came in his stead, our sect's band (yes, we had one now), and a backup dancer named Fu who had way too much enthusiasm for a spiritual rap battle.
Across from us stood the smug trio from the Heavenly Sect: Elder Doucheface, Young Master Arrogant, and… some guy named Spirit Flow Poucheface. I don't know what his deal was, but his spiritual aura smelled like expensive incense and self-importance.
The crowd hushed as a celestial announcer descended in a swirl of lightning and heavenly petals.
"Let the Battle of the Bars begin!" A gong echoed.
Elder Doucheface stepped forward, his beard twinkling with smug qi. He held up a jade mic.
"Long Fei Jian," he said, voice oozing contempt. "You may have been Supreme Lord once, but now you're just a karaoke cultivator." Laughter rippled through the crowd.
Then the beat dropped.
Heavenly Sect Verse 1
"Your sect's a joke, your skills are fake,
You couldn't ascend with a golden cake.
We shattered heavens, you dropped like a rock,
Now you're in rags, begging for clout and a sock."
Fu gasped. Someone in our band fainted. I looked around.
"Where's our mic?"
Yue tossed it to me. "Time to spiritually spit, Master Long." I took a breath. My dantian buzzed. My spirit flared.
Our Counter Verse
"Once Supreme, always supreme, remember my name,
I fell 'cause I was bored — now I'm back in the game.
You call that rap? That's spiritual fluff,
I'll slap your dao so hard, it forgets its stuff." The crowd exploded.
Someone tossed a spiritual bra at me....Spirit Flow Poucheface recoiled.... The Demon King fist-pumped in the background, tears in his eyes. "I trained for millennia for this moment!"
Elder Doucheface looked rattled. But he stepped back.
Then… Young Master Arrogant stepped forward, his eyes glowing with divine narcissism. "I shall now deliver a verse so transcendent, it'll cause qi deviation." He took a deep breath.
----
Spirit Flow Poucheface Has a Spirit Flow Breakdown
Young Master Arrogant cleared his throat and raised his glowing jade mic. The beat dropped again—this one suspiciously sampled from a mortal pop song. The Heavenly Sect was not above stealing melodies, apparently.
He took center stage and unleashed his bars:
Heavenly Sect Verse 2
"My qi is divine, my words are flame,
You're just a relic, a washed-up name.
Your 'White Jade Beauty'? She picked me instead,
Now your sect's dreams sleep with the dead."
The entire crowd gasped. Yue's eye twitched. I gritted my teeth.
"Oh, it's on," I muttered.
The Demon King flexed his fingers. "May I?"
"Not yet," I growled. "I've got this." But before I could step up, a figure behind the Heavenly Sect trio twitched.
Spirit Flow Poucheface.... The man no one cared about.... The man with the weird smell...
He stepped forward, eyes wide, hands trembling. "I… I can't hold it in anymore."
Elder Doucheface frowned. "Poucheface. What are you—"
"I was never meant for this," Poucheface said, voice cracking. "I joined the Heavenly Sect for a free meal, and a cute robe. I don't even rap!"
Yue leaned in. "Is he having… a spiritual breakdown?"
The Demon King nodded solemnly. "It happens."
Poucheface tossed his mic down, and screamed to the heavens. "I JUST WANT TO DANCE!" And then....He danced....Not a cultivation technique. Not a mystical footwork method.
Just full-blown, mortal-level breakdancing.
The arena went silent. A single petal drifted through the air.
Then....