I met her on the Facebook. How? I can't remember, but it seems to me that it is this 'little theory' which I declared in Facebook that caught her attention.
"If I have a million, I would buy a house. Do I have a million?"
"No. That's why I don't have a house."
"If I have wings, I can fly. Do I have wings?"
"No. So I can never fly."
"If all the water is drawn out of the Pacific Ocean, it's still impossible to extinguish the flame of love between us. Can all the water of the Pacific Ocean be drawn out?"
"No. That's why I don't love you."
That's me, a typical science student. First, you come up with an assumption and then you fit in a suitable conclusion. If the proposed assumption doesn't stand at all, then everything is just bullshit. I guess this is what they call 'unromantic'. But she is an exception. She actually emailed me and said that I am an 'interesting' person. 'Interesting'? What a word to use on me. It's like using 'faithful' on a old man. I thought this girl must be a low-IQ organism or suffering from serious brain damage.
Anyway, her nickname doesn't seem so bad. – FlyNDance –
That's quite a unique one. However, I warned myself: Hello, this is the virtual world of internet. Who knows what might be lurking behind a beautiful nickname. Speaking from experience, most of the time it will be a 'dinosaur' in disguise. The only difference will be whether it is a carnivore or an herbivore. Nevertheless, I know she is way different from a 'dinosaur'. She is special. Hence, I guess it's time for me to tell you more about FlyNDance. Ever since she emailed me to tell me that I am 'interesting', I find myself always hoping to meet her in the Chat Room in Facebook. Too bad, lady luck was not on my side. Therefore, I can only reply her email to tell her that I will try to train myself to become an 'interesting' person, just to show that she is far-sighted. She replied my reply, I replied her reply to my reply and she again replied my reply to her reply. Blah blah blah…. Oh no, I just started a chain-reaction!
Actually what I am most interested in is this 'paragraph' she wrote in one of the emails.
'I danced slightly amidst the crowd.'
'You glanced at me with surprise or maybe admiration. It wasn't going to stop my rhythm.'
'Because it's not your glance that made me dance, it's my heart of youth.'
I simply cannot relate this girl to any of the 'dinosaurs'.
But if she is really a 'dinosaur', I am willing to let her have her fill.
Unfortunately, my best friend Tye noticed my little affair with FlyNDance, and has been perpetually warning me about her. "Hello!!! You don't even know how she looks like. Why take the risk? 'she' is a guy! Haha!" I can't blame Tye for his ignorance. Ever since he was dumped by Sally in First Secondary , he has become a renowned 'playboy'. He fits the saying which goes: "Once bitten, Twice shy".
In this case, after Tye was bitten, he has mastered the art of skinning snakes alive and making soup with them. However, I got to admit he has all the qualities to be a playboy. I always consider him the nineteen year old version of Brad Pitt. Tall, handsome and equipped with a glib tongue, he sweet talks every woman that he targets. I don't think he can even remember how many girlfriends he had.
I went online that night, log on Facebook and went to chat room and… Yes! She is there! Before I could get over the shock and was still in a daze, she sent me a message.
"Hey Slorr, it's pretty late. Haven't sleep??"
Now what? Now what?! Ok ok, I have to calm myself down first. I swallowed a lump in my throat and took a few deep breaths. Where is that Tye when I needed him the most? At such a crucial moment, I need somebody to tell me what to say to her. How am I going to attract her with my pathetic humour?
"Slorr… I'm in a foul mood today… I can't sleep… What about you?"
Slorr was my Facebook nickname that Tye thought of for me. Having seen it appear twice in a row on the chat room made me feel disgusted. Tye's remark to coming up with that nickname was, "Who knows? It might attract some innocent girls into talking to you. Haha…"
"I am not feeling very good too. Thus, let's be sad together."
I finally squeezed a sentence out. However, I can already feel droplets of sweat forming on my forehead as the tension did not ease. Actually I'm not in a bad mood. I just wanted to follow up on her topic.
Moreover, if she asks me for the reason that I'm feeling down, I can say, "Since you are feeling down, how can I be happy?"
I know it sounds mushy, but Tye said, "Being Mushy Is The Fundamental To All Courtship."
He also said that, "Girls are very weird species; they trust their ears far more than their eyes. So instead of doing ten things to impress her, why not just say a sentence to move her?"
"Ok. But you haven't greet me yet."
Damn It! How can I forget about basic manners? And they actually address me as 'Mr Courteous' in school. If this thing ever leaks out in school, I would lose all my female fans.
"Hello, nice to meet you. I miss your long hair."
I've been wishing that she has long hair.
Tye said that, "FlyNDance. Hmm… She would either have long hair or is a desperado because when girls dance, only two parts fly – their hair and skirt. As such, if she doesn't have long hair, it means her skirt flies when she dances. Haha! This has a certain sexual hint in it…"
"Huh? How do you know I have long hair?"
Bingo! Heaven is on my side this time. It goes to prove that she is not a Desperado! Yes!
"Not only that. I also know you in a few instance that you're wearing a skirts…"
I increased the stakes. If I am correct this time, let there be peace on earth forever.
"Erm… I guess you are right… But how did you know?"
Haha… I am good.
"Just a wild guess."
"Ok. Hey Slorr… Tell you what. I am tired. Are you coming online tomorrow morning?"
"Yeah. Why?"
Please. Please… Please say that you are coming online too. If not, I m going to kill myself for letting you go tonight.
"I'll see you tomorrow online at 10 a.m. then. Good night."
"Erm… It should be 10 a.m. today as it is past midnight. Ok. Good night."
I blurted out the last sentence. I went offline. Suddenly, I was impressed by my performance just now. But is the season of spring really arriving for me? I certainly wish so.
"Hello Slorr, what a coincidence."
"Yeah. I am not late."
"Yeah. What a coincidence."
Girls are weird. I thought we already had an arrangement. Why do I have to pretend that there's no arrangement. They must have watched too many movies and prefer to think that guys they met due to the thing called 'fate' is the best thing that can happen to them in their love life.
"Slorr, are you talking nonsense?"
"Nonsense? Ok, let me tell you what nonsense is. Nonsense is when you spot a guy with broad shoulders, dark complexion with a tint of redness, sparkling eyes and loud laughter running along the beach in the summer. Then he will call out loud the name of a girl and run towards her. He will then carry her and spin three rounds anticlockwise."
"Slorr, are you crazy?"
✅"I'm crazy? Ok. Let's change a location then. A guy with long hair with the looks of an artist stands by a sketching stand and a few pieces of drawings in the mountains. There will be birds stopping over at his side to admire his work. He will be drawing a girl who is posing for him and she will most probably be naked."
"Slorr, but these scenarios are all very romantic."
"Romantic? Hello Miss, romance only survives in novels and movies. In the real life, the guy on the beach may step onto broken glasses or the girl may be too heavy for him causing him to tear his arm muscles. The birds may also just clear their waste on top of the guy in the mountains or he might get a thrashing from the girl because he comments on the excess fats around her waist and hips."
"Slorr, do you hate romance?"
"I hate romance? Nope, I am just using my knowledge of statistics to get a deduction that guys must be Tall to be romantic and not Handsome! Some love novels even portray the male lead as normal looking, but no one dares to challenge the height of a male lead! I object because I am not tall."
"Slorr, your objection is overruled…"
I must have nothing better to do as I continued talking this nonsense to her until noon.
"Slorr, are you hungry?"
"Yeah. Are you?"
"Yes. I guess it's time for lunch Slorr."
"Then do you think we should…"
"Slorr, I just asked for fun. I don't intend to have lunch with you."
"Ok good. I am not a romantic. Neither are you."
I had lunch with Tye. We talked about the conversation with FlyNDance this morning.
"You moron! You told her you are not a romantic. Are you crazy? You are a disgrace to all men. How can you make such a big mistake? I… I…"
Tye grabbed a chicken wing with a pair of chopsticks and I saw his hands trembled along with the wing.
"There are three 'Don'ts' when wooing a girl. One, don't forget to be romantic. Two, don't be too honest. Three, don't be too stingy with the sugar in our speech. Noticed Number One, stupid?"
"What rubbish is that? In Filipino we say that 'kung masamang tao walang babaing magmamahal sa kanya (Direct translation: Unless he is a bad guy, girls won't love him), I thought you should know this…"
"I know about that, but it has been a controversial topic over centuries. Women aren't really that cheap, so why would they only fall for 'bad guys' like me?"
"That's because 'bad guys' are usually romantic! Those 'nice guys' are usually… Dumb dumbs… Hence, she would rather choose a romantic 'bad guy' than any of those dumb dumbs… In Maths we call this 2C1, understand? Dumb dumb…"
Oh, Tye is referring to Maths!! Now, I understand! No wonder I have always been left on the shelf.
"In other words, girls wouldn't mind if you are not tall or handsome. They can bear with your inconsiderate acts. They can also forget your stupidity but they can never forgive you if you are not romantic."
"Come on, this is exaggerating."
"Hey, most women have a 'knot' for romance, just like most men have a 'knot' for virginity. To women, they just can't understand how precious the thin layer of membrane is to men. Similarly, men can't understand how important romance is to women."
"This is bullshit! How come I've never heard of that?"
"The key word is 'knot'. If you can untie it, fine… However, how many of us have actually succeeded in doing that. There is practically none."
"Ok, fine. Now I've done it… What should I do to remedy the situation?"
"Face it. You are already hopeless. I promise you I'll have a drink with you when it's over…"
"You Son Of A Bitch!"