Creating a goal is easier than actually achieving it.
If you don't have enough money and connections, realising a goal based upon your existence on this planet tends to get rather daunting. No matter how talented you might be.
This is all based on personal experience. I was, once upon a time, a very driven and dedicated person. I used to pour everything into whatever I did, no matter how small. However, realising I wasn't actually chasing my own personal desires, I tried to focus more on what I wanted to achieve.
Which was to become a famous movie director.
South African movies aren't bad but since I've been exposed to the silver screen from when I was a baby, I had ideas that I knew would shake up the industry. I was a fan of horror and SciFi movies and I had innumerable plots and stories that could revolutionise our film industry. The one thing that poured water on my resolve was the fact of the film industry was like a secret society. You had to know someone in the industry to get your foot in the door. I figured that through hard work, my films would prove my worth and the industry would realise I was good enough.
So I studied hard in highschool, graduated with flying colours yet couldn't secure the funds to study filmmaking. So I ended up with Graphic Design instead. After that, I prepared myself to work hard in order to accumulate the funds I needed to apply for the filmmaking course. However, since then, nothing had gone the way I planned.
Maybe there's something I did wrong. Some thought process that I was neglecting, that could've led me to realising my goals. Most successful people claim working hard and maintaining an image of your goal is the direct path to freedom.
I call BS.
I worked harder than most people my age. I knew what I wanted to be and that goal was always at the forefront of my mind. Yet, achieving it, was the problem.
Enough lamenting though.
I was done with work and could finally kick back and play some games. I say work but sitting in my rented room in front of my laptop and answering client texts for a gaming company isn't truly work to me. Sure I get the odd client who just doesn't know what they want but most of the time it's easy sailing. Plus I get paid for it.
That's how I've kept myself alive for the five years I had to face the harsh realities of unemployment in the Graphic Design field after graduating from university.
I rented a back room in Soweto, Johannesburg. Bought myself some gaming consoles and a PC and tried to save up enough to finally apply to study...you guessed it, filmmaking. Instead bills rose, living expenses skyrocketed even VAT ended up being a problem. The South African economy is not friendly to a young man with big dreams and no connections. Saving appeared to be a luxury for those who earned more than enough. I've had to use nearly every cent I got to survive and look after my brothers. At this point I've lost all drive to succeed as a filmmaker. I was content as long as I could play my games, visiting those beautiful and exciting fantasy worlds.
I know it sounds lazy and understated. I surely appear as an underachieving and unmotivated person. To that I say...whatever.
So far I've only mentioned the somewhat better times of my life simply because the darker and harsher times are memories I would rather forget.
See, my 23 years on this Earth have been nothing but tumultuous. If not teaching me that I am not allowed to die, my life has shown me the value of real relationships.
I was born to two good people who were very much in love. Born in a religious and respectful family.
Then I drank battery acid.
Not in a suicidal manner or anything like that. Though maybe it was just the universe trying to help me end my life early. I was only a toddler at that time and since my father happened to be a handyman who could repair nearly anything, such substances were common at home, kept in an outside shed under lock and key.
Apparently, I had crawled my body, as inquisitive toddlers do, found the shed door open, picked myself up a little bottle of acid and had a shot.
It nearly ended my life.
So I was rushed to hospital, acid eating at my flesh and somehow the doctors managed to fix me. Medicine was quite amazing back in the 90's I guess. Afterwards, my mother disappeared, never to be seen or heard from again. Nobody knew what had happened apparently. She was just gone that very same day.
Truly memories I would rather forget.
I grew up in a family that valued religion. My grandfather was a high priest at our church and he had ideas for me to follow in his footsteps. I wanted that as well, when I was still a child, fascinated by the power his words held when he spoke of God. Then the older I grew, the more I noticed the inconsistency in the Bible and religion.
Though that was later in my life.
Upon entering school in Umzintovale Primary, in Umzinto, I fell in love for the first time. For me it was a big deal since I was a child who usually kept to themselves. Always with a fiction novel in my hand.
When I met Nea, I was instantly smitten. Besides the fact that she took the time to get to know me, we shared a love for books, games and scary movies. We were always together, daydreaming about some fancy of imagination or the other, always in our own little world.
She never admitted her attraction to me. Even after I did. However she never turned me down either. Which I guess should've made me realise something at the time. In retrospect, it was my first time after all.
After an awkward confession on my part, we continued as good friends, albeit I thought we were somewhat closer. Our families even met, cementing my belief that we would grow old together. What a foolish young boy I was.
I found out that she actually loved Reuben. A friend of mine who was admittedly cooler than I in many ways. She never told it to my face but I saw them kissing behind our school P.E class. That was my first heartbreak and betrayal by both the first girl I loved and my first real friend.
Almost everything after that just fell into disarray.
My father passed away.
The next girl I fell for, got me stabbed by her actual boyfriend after taking her to the movies.
While I spent months recuperating in hospital, I was diagnosed with anaemia. This is quite an uncommon ailment in my part of the world. It's a sickness that weakens the body due to lack of red blood cells in my system. I had weak blood basically and even the smallest cut would cause my already limited blood to drip endlessly.
Then my grandfather passed away.
The next girl I had cheated with another friend of mine. She claimed it was purely sexual but I didn't care. At that point, relationships didn't really matter to me anymore. The relationships I got myself into always had a trick to play on me. Most of the people I called friends, always had ulterior motives.
Then during my matric year, my anaemia reacted violently and I ended up having to spend the year in hospital again. The doctors requested I get a blood transfusion or I would die. Of course I was afraid of death, I was still looking forward to achieving so much in my life. My heart might've been crippled by my experiences with other humans however I still had faith in my goals.
Members of our religion were against blood transfusions as to them, it was akin to ingesting the soul of another human being. Therefore, I declined the transfusion and calmly faced death while consuming iron supplements and foods rich in iron.
Miraculously, I made it to my matric dance.
One of the few days of which I have fond memories.
After that I just lived with my anaemia and kept falling for the wrong girls. Admittedly there were some very good ones, however I was already too jaded to such a thing. I already expected heartbreak from anyone who got close to me. I felt it was a given for me to end up hurt so I invested less and less of my self into each new relationship. The last one ended amicably, along with my attempts to entrusting my heart to others.
Through all of this I had lost my mother, father, grandfather, uncle and aunt. I was left with a total of 8 younger siblings, split 6 in KZN with my grandmother and 2 in Johannesburg with the family into which my mother remarried. For as time went, my grandmother revealed to me that my mother was alive and well. She had contacted us and asked to see me. We met, forgave each other, and continued life. I was happy to have met my mother and to get the time to spend with her. That was when I had to move to Johannesburg and live with her and my two younger brothers from another man. I have very fond memories of this time with my mother and brothers. As my dead luck would have it, she passed away about two years later. That was the last day I shed a tear for anyone. I was tired of trying and failing. Of hoping and having my hopes dashed right in front of my eyes.
I felt immensely cursed, as if all I touched would disintegrate into dust.
So I lost the drive to achieve anything more than looking after my siblings here in Johannesburg and trying to survive a failing South African economy.
Two years after that, my brother was accepted in a university in Pretoria to study. That was one part taken care of. Pretty soon, I'd have to worry about my younger brother.
Alas, enough reminiscing. I did say most of these are memories I would rather forget.
It was time for some Assassin's Creed. I had already logged off my work and made myself some snacks to enjoy as I delved into the wondrous fantasy world of ancient Greece.
Along with my love for artistic endeavours of any kind, I have always had a reverent addiction to literature. I read anything I could get my hands on since the early days of my curious phase. I was never picky with knowledge. I held a firm belief that there was a piece of the truth hidden in everything.
Therefore I read anything. Horoscopes, product articles, fantasy tales, autobiographies, dictionaries and encyclopaedias. If it had information, I wanted to read and understand it.
During my early teen years I happened to develop a keen interest in mythology. I started researching and reading about every coven of gods that ever existed. Out of all of them, I fell in love with three distinct mythologies. The African mythology. The Egyptian Mythology and the Greek mythology.
The Greek gods, to me, appeared very human. I mean sure they had powers and lived forever, however, I have never yet met a man who suffers his base instincts as Zeus, the cheating dog of a god. Even Hera, for all her status and family, is just a sour jealous woman. I liked these gods. They were, most of them, realistic.
So when the creators of Assassin's Creed released their new game, set in ancient Greece, with the rich culture and myths beautifully interwoven into the story, I knew I had to play it. I only had the time to do so either after work or on my days off, because I hardly had friends. I had already been playing it for close to a week and I was still finding cool easter eggs.
Yes. I'm that type of gamer.
I don't just play through the game missions and call it a day. No sir, I hunt. I explore. I challenge. Everything in my vision is either a task or a learning point. That is why I still preferred open world strategy games above all else. I enjoyed exploring the fantasy worlds and figuring the game out through hard work. I never played on easy on my first go. It's medium or higher.
A habit I picked up was to take strategy notes on the games as I play them. New ideas, strategies, equipment sets, character builds and progression, world setting, I went the whole 9 yards. Before I knew it, I had over 35 hardcover notebooks full of game facts and strategies.
After clearing up my workspace and shutting down my laptop, I grabbed a can of Monster energy drink, set it in the cupholder on my gaming chair, which is located next to my favourite wall. I had divided my gaming and working spaces. While my work space was just a small island isolated from the rest of the room, my gaming setup filled the better part of a whole wall. My HD LCD TV screen was mounted on said wall and around it were my consoles. I owned and Xbox 360 and an Xbox One along with PlayStation 2, 3 and 4. I had personally extended the controller cables allowing for a longer reach and comfortability from where I sat. Around that, were mounted the covers of all the games I owned. In total the CD case contained 108 disks. I had been truly proud to reach 100 games played and owned.
Since I had started Assassin's Creed on medium, so far it had not yet been a challenge. I still enjoyed the graphics and the missions though.
So as I prepared myself, loading the save file to continue the game, I was already planning ahead to what was left for me to do. My palms itched in anticipation as I drank from the large can of Monster energy.
I thought I should make a joint to smoke when the ground shook.
I was stunned for a moment. I looked around my room and noticed various items swaying gently from the momentary tremor. The tv screen flickered on the wall along with the lights. I felt an ominous sense of dread well up in my stomach.
We couldn't be having an earthquake in South Africa now could we?
I stood up, trying to get to my bedside table when the ground shook again. I lost my balance and went down on my hands and knees, feeling the earth vibrate beneath me. My brain was trying to process this strange event when cutlery and dishes began jumping from their positions to the ground. I flinched and crawled towards my bed, dodging flying spoons and cups, expecting the tremors to stop. In all its intensity, the first earthquake I've ever experienced, rocked my world.