Alya's Side
A year has passed. A thousand ways I've tried to bury the feelings I hold for Gadis.
I chose not to tone down my clinginess, and Gadis never once distanced herself from me.
Yes, I know—I should be grateful for everything that has happened.
Shouldn't I feel lucky?
Now, it feels like Gadis pours all her attention on me.
Maybe, to her, I'm just a little girl—someone she feels compelled to protect, someone she must always care for.
But I didn't care.
I didn't care what she thought about me anymore.
As long as I could be near her, I was willing to be anyone—even the fool who ignores what's real.
But now…
Now, the drama inside my heart is about to rise again.
The universe seems to whisper something ominous.
I don't even remember when it started.
Out of nowhere, Gadis told me she had to move abroad.
And stupidly, I never knew she had been pursuing a double degree all this time.
Turns out, her time at our university was nearing its end—
She only had one more year.
And that one year…
She would spend it at her second campus,
Which, to my deepest dread, wasn't even in this country.
I didn't know whether to be proud or devastated.
All I could feel was a storm inside.
A chaos that left me hollow.
I couldn't take it—I truly couldn't imagine being far from her.
I started losing my grip.
Millions of fears began knocking on the walls of the heart I once mastered.
Thousands of questions, uncertainties, anxieties.
I was losing my mind.
What if she found love there?
What if she became too busy to talk to me?
What if… what if…
A thousand "what ifs" drummed inside my head like a haunting war cry.
"When are you leaving?" Ujo asked between bites of his nearly skeletal fried chicken.
"Next week," Gadis replied, busy sorting out a pile of scattered documents on her bed and study table.
"So soon?" Deva gaped, dropping the last bite of his chicken before rushing toward her.
"We're gonna miss you, Neng," he said, hugging her from behind.
Not wanting to lose, Ujo lunged too—chicken bone still in hand, which he'd been sucking until it turned ghostly pale.
"Guys, you're so dramatic," Gadis laughed nervously, squirming, trying to escape their clumsy embrace.
And then, as if by instinct, Ujo turned to me.
I'd been pretending to type something on my laptop.
Pretending to be busy.
But in truth, my fingers moved without purpose—my heart had hijacked my logic.
"So, what about you, Dek?" Ujo asked suddenly.
The question hit me like lightning—I stammered, unprepared.
"I already found Alya a new roommate," Gadis interjected, still half-buried in her mess.
"The guy from the education department? Your ex's student council president's boyfriend?" Deva blurted out.
Gadis nodded.
"I know him too—he's a nice guy. You can rest easy leaving our little sis here," Ujo said, patting Gadis's shoulder.
She replied with a small, polite smile.
And I… I felt my chest tighten.
God, I was stupid.
I had hoped—foolishly—that Gadis would find it hard to let me go too.
But there she was—smiling as she planned to leave me behind with someone else in this room.
I swallowed my tears.
"I'm moving to the apartment my dad offered a while back," I said quietly.
All eyes turned to me.
Back then, I chose to live in a shared room because I wanted to meet new people—maybe even make lifelong friends.
And fate gave me more than that.
It gave me Gadis.
But now that she's leaving,
I couldn't imagine sharing a room with someone else—
Not if it's not her.
"Anyway, who could stand living with someone as clingy as me?" I chuckled bitterly.
Gadis was still looking at me, her eyes heavy, searching.
It was like she was asking a thousand unspoken questions.
Gadis's Side
I looked at Alya. Closely.
Somehow, I caught a glimmer of sorrow in her beautiful face.
I…
I've known.
I've known for the past year.
Ever since she got sick and held me tightly—
Asking me to always be there—
All the moments since then had unraveled the puzzle I'd long buried in silence.
I'm not someone who's oblivious.
No.
That day, I suddenly felt like the cruelest person in the world.
I couldn't walk away from Alya.
But I also couldn't accept her feelings.
Because I…
I felt them too.
Yes, I felt the same way she did.
And perhaps even more foolishly, I'd tried again and again to deny it.
To hide it.
To pretend this would pass, that it was insignificant.
But deep inside, I knew.
This wasn't right.
This couldn't be.
I had to believe that.
I needed to hold onto that belief.
All my life I'd fought my father's rules, the suffocating beliefs he tried to force on me.
But still, I understood.
This life isn't mine alone.
One day, my name will be tied to others—and I couldn't bear to stain theirs with my actions.
There are many things I hate about this world,
But I can't shut my eyes to how it works.
It's fine if my name is tainted.
But what if my actions ruin someone else's?
There were moments I almost crossed the line.
When Alya held me close,
I wanted to touch her face.
I wanted to kiss her lips.
Just once.
But I didn't.
Somehow, something in me always stopped it.
When one half of my heart said yes,
The other half whispered, don't.
I've cried over this weakness more times than I can count.
I cursed my heart—
This heart that had never fallen before,
And when it finally did…
It chose the wrong place to land.
Each day grew heavier.
Each breath, tighter.
Until finally, I saw the path I had to take.
I had to leave her.
Maybe this will hurt.
Maybe it will hurt a lot.
But I pray…
I pray the pain won't last forever.