Gadis' Side
If there's one thing in this world you can't control, it's the wild, maddening thud in your chest when you're near—or even far—from the person you love. And what's more maddening? You don't get to choose who your heart falls for.
I've tried, countless times, to love Ruben. I whispered to myself day after day, convincing my heart that he was the right choice. There were flickers of hope, warm, flickering embers that made me believe I could really care for him. And for a moment, I did. I got used to his presence in my life, began to welcome it. But in the end, all of it… turned out to be a hollow attempt. A beautiful lie I desperately wanted to believe.
And it all unraveled the moment Alya came back into my life.
For hundreds of days, I tried to be selfless. I tried to run away from the guilt. From the longing. I fought with everything in me to erase her from my system. But feelings are not obedient creatures. You cannot bend them to your will. I gave her false hope—pretended that things would be fine after everything I had done to her. But deep down, I knew I wasn't fixing anything. I was just delaying the inevitable.
I kept telling myself I needed to get better. That I had to find my way back to the "right path."
But what even is the right path? Who gets to decide that?
I'm beginning to think that what people call "right" is often just a well-decorated illusion—accepted as truth because enough people said it aloud and others followed suit. Sometimes, it's not truth at all. Just tradition. Just fear. Just hypocrisy wrapped in habit.
Alya went home with that tired look again that evening. And I just stood there. Frozen. My heart and my mind no longer walked in the same rhythm. Everything screamed at me in silence. I was lost for words.
I don't know how deep the wounds are that I've carved into her heart. I'm afraid of how much more I might end up hurting her.
"Are you okay, honey?" Ruben asked gently, his eyes tracing the worry lines on my face. It must've been obvious—I hadn't been myself all day. No, for the past two days actually. I could no longer hide it.
He reached out and checked my forehead and neck, fearing I might be coming down with something.
"I'm okay. Just a little tired," I lied, pulling away slightly.
Isn't she lovely?
Isn't she wonderful?
Isn't she precious…?
Stevie Wonder's voice interrupted the fog in my head.
"Hey, Dis."
A voice I hadn't heard in a long time. Ujo.
"Hey, Jo," I replied weakly.
"Why so glum? When are you visiting me, huh? Don't wait too long or I'll be gone already," he teased from the other end of the line.
I glanced at my computer screen—no holidays this month. And I'd already promised Ruben that I'd go with him to see a friend's show this weekend.
"Next week maybe. How does that sound?"
"Sounds good. Bring Alya, will you?"
Just hearing her name was enough to shake me.
"You met her, didn't you? She asked for your address, said she wanted to visit. I gave it to her—good thing I still had it saved."
"Yeah, we met."
"How is she doing?"
What kind of question was that?
"You should visit her more often. Hell, move back in with her if you can," he said, laughing softly.
"I can't. Ruben stays over a lot. It wouldn't feel right," I replied, making excuses.
There was a pause on the other end, a long breath.
"I feel bad for her, you know?" Ujo finally said, his voice low and careful.
"What do you mean? You still have a crush on her or something?" I asked, half-joking.
"No, no. That's not it," he replied quickly. "But promise me you won't tell Alya or Davi I told you this."
"Okay…"
"Davi said… not long after you left, Alya started relying on sleeping pills. Even caught her taking tranquilizers more than once. Said she was trembling and struggling to breathe sometimes."
"Please don't bring this up with her. She begged me not to tell you. I guess she just didn't want to worry you."
I went silent. The truth I had avoided all this time finally reached me—and it hit like a wave.
A tidal wave of guilt, sorrow, and something deeper that I couldn't even name washed over me. I wasn't the only one fighting this war. Alya had been trying just as hard—maybe even harder.
I'd hurt her more than I could imagine.
If Alya is giving up now, it's not because she didn't try. It's not because she didn't want to move on. Just like me, she simply couldn't lie to herself anymore.
The fact that she flew halfway across the world—just to see me, with no idea what would come of it—should've told me everything.
And if I turn my back again… wouldn't that make me the cruelest person in her life?
Ruben had been watching me this whole time. The worry on his face had grown deeper. It was only 2 PM. Still hours until we were supposed to leave.
"Ruben?" I called.
He flinched, startled. "Yeah?"
"I want to go home early today."
He stood up quickly. "I'll go with you."
"No—it's okay. We can't leave the office together like this," I replied softly, shaking my head. Our positions made it too obvious.
"Today… I really need to be alone. Is that okay?"
He looked like he wanted to protest, reluctant to leave me when I clearly wasn't well. But I turned away. My mind was chaos, and in that chaos, only Alya's name echoed.
I left in a rush.
By 3 PM, I was standing outside her door again.
Déjà vu.
My logic screamed at me to turn around. To leave. But my heart… it begged me to stay.
Maybe this time, just once, I could ignore my logic. Maybe it was okay to follow my heart—for once. After everything I'd sacrificed, didn't I deserve this one selfish moment?
I just wanted to hold her.
I didn't want to lose her again. Even if this wasn't the "right" choice. Even if I wasn't sure what "right" even meant anymore.
All I knew was that I wanted to make her happy, even if it was only for a while. I wanted to heal her, even if I wasn't sure I could.
Alya opened the door.
Her eyes… they were full of longing. Of questions. Of answers.
We didn't say anything. We didn't need to.
Our eyes spoke all that our lips couldn't.
For now, let me be selfish.
Let me abandon reason.
Let me love her.
Even if it's just for tonight.