Warmth.
That was the first thing I noticed as I stirred from sleep. The second was a soft, rhythmic sound—quiet breathing, slow and even, right next to my ear. That was odd. I lived alone. Or, well, I used to.
My groggy brain took a few seconds to process that something—or rather, someone—was draped over me. There was an undeniable pressure on my chest, as if I had been caught in a rather aggressive bear hug. My arms were pinned, my legs immobile, and something soft pressed against my cheek.
What the hell—?
My eyes shot open, and my sleep-fogged vision was immediately filled with a mess of silver hair. Jeanne d'Arc Alter—Avenger, deadly Servant, and, apparently, professional sleep strangler—was tangled up with me in the futon.
My first instinct was to move. Big mistake.
The moment I so much as twitched, Jeanne let out a small grumble and tightened her grip around me, burying her face into my shoulder. The motion knocked the wind out of me, and I let out a choked gasp.
"J-Jeanne—!" I wheezed, trying to pry her off.
She didn't respond. Not verbally, anyway. Instead, she let out a sleepy murmur and shifted, one of her legs draping over mine, effectively locking me in place.
I immediately realized how bad this looked. If anyone walked in right now—like, say, Shirou—there'd be absolutely no way I could explain this situation. I could already hear his confused, slightly concerned voice asking, "Ren… why is there a girl in your bed?"
Panic set in.
"Jeanne! Wake up!" I hissed, twisting my torso as much as I could.
She groaned in protest, her grip somehow getting even tighter.
"Five more minutes..." she muttered drowsily, her voice muffled against my shirt.
I stared at her, dumbfounded. Did she just—?
The door creaked open.
"Ren, breakfast is—"
Saber stopped mid-sentence, standing in the doorway in her casual clothes. Her blue eyes locked onto the scene before her—the way Jeanne was still half-asleep and clinging to me, the sheer lack of space between us—and I watched as her expression shifted into something unreadable.
There was a long, painful silence.
"...I see," Saber finally said, her tone calm but judgmental. "So this is how you conduct yourself, Ren?"
I panicked. "This isn't what it looks like!"
Jeanne groggily blinked at the sudden voice, her body slowly tensing as her brain caught up to the situation. Her gaze flicked between Saber, then me, then where exactly she was pressed against me.
A bright red blush spread across her face.
She immediately flinched back, scrambling to put distance between us. "W-Wait, this—!"
"Well?" Saber raised an eyebrow. "Do you have an explanation?"
"I—uh—" Jeanne opened her mouth, then closed it again, struggling for words. Finally, she crossed her arms and looked away. "...It was warm."
"That's not an explanation!" I hissed.
Saber sighed, shaking her head as she turned toward the door. "Regardless, breakfast is ready. I suggest you compose yourself before coming downstairs. Shirou is already waiting."
With that, she left, closing the door behind her.
The moment she was gone, I let out a groan and buried my face in my hands. "I'm never going to live this down."
Jeanne, her face still bright red, cleared her throat and crossed her arms. "L-Look, it was an accident! You weren't exactly pushing me away in your sleep either!"
"How was I supposed to know you'd cling to me like that?!"
"Well, next time you sleep on the floor!"
"Next time?! There's not gonna be a next time!"
We both glared at each other for a few seconds before sighing in unison.
"...Let's just go eat," I muttered, rubbing my temples.
I trudged downstairs with Jeanne following closely behind me. My body still felt stiff from the incident earlier, and I had the nagging feeling that Saber would be watching me like a hawk for the foreseeable future.
When we entered the dining room, Shirou was still cooking. Saber sat primly in her seat, her posture perfect as always, and she gave me a quick glance before sipping her tea. I didn't miss the subtle shake of her head—like she had already judged me and found me lacking.
Great. Just what I needed.
Shirou looked up as we entered and smiled. "Good morning, Ren. Jeanne."
"Morning," I muttered, sitting down with a heavy sigh.
Jeanne, for her part, still had a faint blush on her cheeks as she sat beside me. She kept her eyes on the table, clearly trying to pretend that nothing had happened.
"Breakfast is simple today," Shirou continued as he continued cooking. "Eggs, miso soup, and rice."
I looked at Shirou cooking "Damn, you really are the perfect househusband."
Shirou just gave me a tired smile, like he had heard that way too many times.
Saber, meanwhile, finished her tea and placed the cup down gently. "Ren," she said evenly. "You are aware that we are in the middle of a war, correct?"
I frowned. "Yeah?"
"Then you should not allow yourself to be so careless."
I blinked. "What?"
Saber folded her arms. "Sleeping so deeply that you allowed another Servant to latch onto you—"
Jeanne choked on her tea.
Saber continued without acknowledging her. "—is proof of your inexperience. A proper Master must always be on guard. You never know when an enemy will strike."
I groaned, rubbing my face. "Okay, okay, I get it. No need for the lecture."
Shirou gave me a sympathetic look before quickly changing the subject. "So, Ren, do you have any plans for today?"
I sighed. "Well, considering my house is destroyed, I need to figure out where I'm staying. Unless you're cool with me crashing here longer?"
Shirou blinked. "Oh, uh, yeah, that's fine. You can stay as long as you need to."
Jeanne nodded approvingly. "Good. This house is a lot better than the wreckage we had before."
"Please don't call my house 'wreckage,'" I muttered.
Shirou chuckled before looking thoughtful. "You know, maybe we can find someone to help with repairs. If it's just the foundation and structure, I could try fixing parts of it myself."
I hesitated. "You know how to fix houses?"
Shirou rubbed the back of his head. "Kind of. I helped maintain this house growing up, so I know a bit about repairs. But if we need full reconstruction, we'd have to find a real carpenter."
I frowned. "Unless you've got one in your back pocket, I think I'm screwed."
Shirou looked like he was about to say something, but then he paused, glancing at the clock. "Actually, Sakura's coming over soon. Maybe she knows someone."
I groaned. "Great. Just what I need—another witness to my suffering."
As if on cue, the doorbell rang.
Shirou stood up. "That's probably her now."
Jeanne leaned toward me, lowering her voice. "You do realize that, given what just happened, Saber will probably tell Sakura everything, right?"
I paled.
Shirou walked to the door, completely oblivious to my incoming doom.
"Good morning, Senpai!" Sakura's cheerful voice rang out from the entrance.
Yep. There it is. The beginning of my suffering.
Shirou greeted her with his usual friendly tone, and a moment later, she stepped into the dining room. As always, Sakura Tohsaka looked effortlessly put together—long purple hair neatly tied back with a ribbon, her uniform perfectly in order, and a warm, gentle smile on her face. The perfect image of a kindhearted kouhai.
Her gaze shifted to me, and she blinked in mild surprise. "Oh, Ren-senpai, you're here too?"
"Morning," I muttered, feeling like I was about to be interrogated.
Then her eyes landed on Jeanne.
Her expression remained polite, but I saw the flicker of curiosity in her gaze. "And… who is this?"
Before I could come up with an excuse, Jeanne placed a hand on her chest and smiled. "Jeanne. I am Ren's… companion."
I stiffened. That was technically true but also the worst possible way to phrase it.
Sakura tilted her head slightly, still smiling. "Companion?"
I quickly cut in. "She's an old friend who needed a place to stay. Since my house is, uh, not in great condition, Shirou was kind enough to let us crash here for a while."
Shirou nodded. "Yeah, Ren's house got… well, it's kind of wrecked."
Sakura gasped. "Wrecked? What happened?"
I hesitated, trying to come up with an excuse that didn't involve deadly Servants wrecking my living room. "Uh… termites."
Jeanne shot me an unimpressed look.
Sakura, however, looked genuinely sympathetic. "That's awful, Senpai. Was it really that bad?"
"You have no idea," I muttered. "Termites these days are built different."
Saber, who had been silently sipping her tea, finally spoke. "If you are referring to the destruction caused by your battle, then yes, it was quite severe."
I glared at her.
Sakura blinked, looking even more confused. "Battle?"
"Metaphorical battle," I said quickly. "You know, me versus home maintenance. A fight I tragically lost."
Shirou coughed into his fist. "Anyway, Sakura, I was wondering—do you know anyone who does house repairs?"
Sakura placed a finger on her chin, thinking. "Hm… well, I can ask around. I know a few people from my family's business who might have connections."
I nearly sighed in relief. "That'd be great. Thanks, Sakura."
She nodded before glancing at Jeanne again. "So, Jeanne-san, are you staying here too?"
"Yes," Jeanne replied simply. "Wherever Master—"
I clamped a hand over her mouth before she could finish that sentence.
Sakura's eyes narrowed slightly.
"Wherever I go, she goes," I corrected. "She's very attached."
Jeanne pulled my hand away, looking amused. "You should not be embarrassed, Master."
Sakura blinked at the title.
Then, after a pause, she let out a soft ohhh and covered her mouth with her hand.
A second later, she gave me the smuggest look I had ever seen. "Senpai… is this part of your BDSM roleplay?"
I choked on air.
Shirou sputtered into his tea, while Saber raised an eyebrow, looking mildly intrigued. Jeanne, meanwhile, just tilted her head in confusion.
I could practically feel my soul leaving my body. "What?! No! Absolutely not!"
Sakura just kept smiling. "It's okay, Senpai. You don't have to be embarrassed. Everyone has their own preferences~."
"I—this isn't a preference! This isn't even a thing!" I turned to Shirou desperately. "Back me up here!"
Shirou, still recovering from his near-death tea incident, cleared his throat awkwardly. "Sakura… I don't think Ren is into that."
Sakura giggled. "You say that, but he got all flustered."
I groaned. "I swear to every god listening, it's not like that!"
Jeanne, still clearly confused, looked at me. "Master, what is BDSM?"
I nearly died on the spot.
Sakura gave me a look. "Senpai, you haven't even explained it to her? You have to communicate in a relationship, you know~."
I slammed my hands on the table. "Sakura, I swear—"
Before I could finish, the front door suddenly slammed open.
"I'm here!"
All of us turned toward the entrance as a familiar, loud, and very energetic woman strolled in like she owned the place.
"Fuji-nee?" Shirou said, already sounding tired.
Taiga Fujimura beamed as she stepped inside, kicking off her shoes with practiced ease. "Morning, Shirou! Morning, Sakura-chan! Oh, and Ren-kun too!" Her eyes then landed on Jeanne, and she paused. "Oh? And who's this lovely lady?"
Jeanne gave a polite nod. "I am Jeanne."
Taiga grinned. "Wow, Shirou, you've got a full house! First Saber-chan, and now another mysterious girl? What's the deal?"
"She's Ren's guest," Shirou explained.
Taiga gave me a knowing smirk. "Oho~? Ren-kun, I didn't know you had it in you."
I groaned. "Not you too."
She waved a hand dismissively. "Relax, relax. I won't pry too much." Then, sniffing the air, she perked up. "Wait. Is that breakfast I smell?"
Saber, who had been silent up until now, looked at her warily. "Yes, but it is not yet ready."
That, of course, did nothing to stop Taiga from marching straight into the kitchen.
Shirou's eyes widened. "Wait, Fuji-nee—"
CRASH.
A loud clatter echoed through the house.
I sighed. "Let me guess. She was sneaking food?"
Saber crossed her arms. "It would appear so."
Shirou rushed into the kitchen, and the rest of us followed.
When we arrived, the sight that greeted us was chaos.
A frying pan was on the floor, rice scattered across the counter, and—most notably—Fuji-nee stood in the middle of it all, looking guilty as hell.
"Taiga?" Shirou asked cautiously.
Fuji-nee turned to us, eyes wide. "I can explain."
Saber stared at her. "You were stealing food."
Fuji-nee gasped dramatically. "How dare you accuse me of such a thing, Saber-chan?!"
I raised an eyebrow. "Uh-huh. So what did happen?"
She looked at the mess, then back at us. "...Okay, but in my defense, the rice fell on its own."
Shirou pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fuji-nee, just sit down. I'll make more."
She grinned sheepishly and scurried off to the table.
I ran a hand down my face. "Man, today is already exhausting."
Jeanne gave me a small smirk. "And yet, the day has only begun, Master."
Sakura giggled. "Yes, Master~."
I groaned.
After Taiga was safely seated and breakfast preparations resumed, I thought—hoped—that my suffering was over.
I was dead wrong.
As Shirou busied himself in the kitchen, I leaned back in my seat, finally allowing myself a moment to relax. But then—
"Master," Jeanne began, her voice completely innocent, "you still haven't answered my question. What is BDSM?"
I froze.
Oh no.
Saber, who had been sitting quietly with a cup of tea, nodded in agreement. "Yes, I am also curious." She turned to Jeanne. "You mentioned it earlier, and Ren reacted rather strongly. If it is something important, then I would like to understand it as well."
I nearly choked on my own spit. "It's not important!" I hissed.
Sakura, who had been sipping her tea with a completely neutral expression, barely stifled a giggle. The way her shoulders shook told me exactly how much she was enjoying this.
"Are you certain?" Jeanne pressed, tilting her head. "Sakura seemed quite knowledgeable about it."
Saber nodded in agreement. "Indeed. If it is something that has a significant enough meaning to fluster you, then I believe it would be best if you explained it."
"No," I said firmly. "I'm not explaining it."
Jeanne frowned. "But why?"
"Because," I said, my voice exasperated, "it's not relevant to anything important in our lives."
Saber sipped her tea calmly. "Then it should be a simple matter to explain."
Oh my god.
At this point, Shirou glanced over from the stove, looking mildly concerned. "Uh, is something wrong?"
I turned to him, eyes full of silent desperation. Help me.
Sakura, of course, decided to be a menace. "Senpai, Ren's just being shy about explaining his interests~."
I almost flipped the table. "SAKURA."
Jeanne looked back at me, her expression thoughtful. "So it is something you are interested in?"
"NO!"
Saber, ever the knight, nodded solemnly. "Then, as his Servant, it is my duty to understand it."
I slammed my forehead against the table.
"Shirou, please cook faster," I muttered, my voice full of suffering.
He looked thoroughly lost. "I—uh—I'll try?"
Meanwhile, Sakura, clearly enjoying every second of this, just hummed to herself.
"Master," Jeanne tried again, her tone completely serious. "If it is a complex subject, I do not mind if you take your time to explain it thoroughly."
I groaned into the table. "I hate everything."
Saber, nodding, added, "If it is something that must be experienced to be fully understood, then I shall rely on your guidance."
Sakura burst into laughter.
I shot upright so fast I nearly flipped my chair. "OKAY, THAT'S IT! NO MORE QUESTIONS!"
Jeanne pouted. "Master, that is unfair. If you are hiding something—"
"I'M NOT HIDING ANYTHING!"
"Then explain it."
I turned to Shirou. "SHIROU. BACK ME UP."
Shirou, who clearly wanted no part in this, just focused on flipping the eggs. "Uh… breakfast will be ready soon."
"TRAITOR!"
Saber hummed. "I shall ask Taiga later, then."
"NO YOU WILL NOT."
Sakura, wiping tears from her eyes, finally managed to breathe.
I slumped back in my seat, utterly defeated.
This day was already a nightmare.
After enduring what felt like an eternity of questioning, breakfast was finally served. Shirou placed plates of eggs, toast, and grilled fish on the table, his usual no-frills cooking style in full effect. The moment the food hit the table, Taiga dove in without hesitation, her chopsticks a blur as she devoured her portion like a starving beast.
"Ahhh~! Shirou, you really are the best husband material!" Taiga sighed dramatically between bites. "If only you weren't so dense about romance, you'd have girls lining up for you!"
Shirou, used to her antics, just sighed. "Eat before it gets cold, Fuji-nee."
As we all started eating, I finally felt some semblance of peace. Saber had dropped her "BDSM investigation," Jeanne was eating quietly—though she still occasionally glanced at me in curiosity—and Sakura looked far too pleased with herself after that whole ordeal.
It was almost… normal.
For about five minutes.
Then Taiga's eyes suddenly narrowed as she scanned the table. "Hey… there's someone here I don't recognize."
I tensed up.
Everyone at the table froze.
She was looking directly at Jeanne.
Now, to be fair, Jeanne had been materialized in her casual outfit, which, thankfully, made her look like a normal person. But with how unfamiliar she was to Taiga, it was only natural that she'd start asking questions.
"Shirou, you never told me you had a foreign girlfriend!"
I choked on my tea. Jeanne tilted her head in confusion. Shirou's hand visibly twitched as he almost dropped his chopsticks.
"She's not my—!" Shirou started, but Taiga wasn't listening.
She turned to Jeanne, a grin forming. "So, where are you from? How did you meet Shirou? How long have you two been dating?"
I opened my mouth to correct her, but before I could say anything—
"Ah," Jeanne nodded thoughtfully. "Shirou is not my partner. I am Ren's Servant."
Silence.
Everyone turned to look at Jeanne.
My face went pale. Oh no.
Taiga blinked. "Your… servant?"
Sakura, who had just taken a sip of tea, immediately turned away to hide her laugh. Saber sighed, already realizing how bad this was going to get. Shirou looked like he wanted to throw himself out the window.
Jeanne, completely unaware of what she had just said, continued without hesitation. "Yes, Master sum- saved me, and I have been serving him since then."
Sakura snorted.
Taiga's expression slowly shifted into something unreadable as she stared at me.
"Ren," she said, her tone far too calm. "Explain."
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. My brain had completely short-circuited.
"Uhh—"
"Ohhh~!" Taiga suddenly gasped dramatically. "Is this some kinky foreign thing?! Are you into that whole master-servant roleplay stuff?!"
Saber immediately turned to me. "Is that what BDSM is?"
I slammed my head into the table.
Sakura burst out laughing.
Shirou put his face in his hands.
Jeanne, completely unbothered, just frowned. "I do not believe this is related to that term. Though I still do not know what it means, Master has refused to explain it to me."
"MASTER?!" Taiga shrieked.
I wanted to die.
At that exact moment, Shirou—perhaps in an act of mercy—quickly stood up. "Fuji-nee, you're going to be late for work if you stay any longer."
Taiga immediately gasped in horror. "Oh no, you're right!" She jumped to her feet, quickly grabbing her bag and rushing toward the door. But as she left, she shot me one last look.
"This conversation isn't over, Ren!"
And then she was gone.
The room was silent for a long moment.
Sakura was still giggling to herself. Saber looked deep in thought. Jeanne seemed completely unbothered, already going back to her food.
I, on the other hand, just let out a long, exhausted sigh.
"This is going to haunt me forever, isn't it?"
Shirou clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Yeah. Probably."
And with that, breakfast continued.
…At least until Saber started asking more questions about BDSM.
I was never going to live this down.