The sound of the fan on my ceiling was the only thing that broke the silence in my room. The blades spun aimlessly, like my head, like my life. It was noon, but the curtains were still closed, and the light barely crept in through the edges of the curtains. My room had the scent of confinement, chips, food, sweat, a scent called loneliness. I sat in front of the screen, my eyes glued to a game that no longer interested me. My fingers moved by inertia on the keyboard, but my mind was elsewhere.
"Defeat 1-13," the screen read.
-Ha. Yeah, I know," I mumbled without emotion.
I was 19 years old, just turned 19. I wasn't studying, as I had failed the entrance exam at the university I wanted to enter. And I wasn't working, as my depression didn't give me strength. In fact, my parents reminded me of that every day. "You're smart, Nihil, but you don't do anything with your life!" they used to say. And the worst part was that they were right. I felt like just another piece of furniture in this house.
My mother knocked on the door.
-Nihil, come down and eat! -she shouted.
-I'm not hungry.
-That's enough! You can't go on like this! -Her voice trembled between frustration and concern.
Silence. Again.
I lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. The shadows of the blades cast like spinning blades. I thought of the past, of my failed attempts to find purpose in my life: I wanted to be a musician, but I was bad.
- But i'am creeep - singing out of tune - I'm a weirdoo - badly tuned guitar sound.
I wanted to draw, but I didn't have the patience to make gorgeous drawings with lots of detail. I made videos to be a content creator, but my videos weren't getting popular, I wanted to be a professional gamer, but I was a horrible gamer, I wanted to be an actor, director, everything. I always started with excitement and ended up frustrated.
- You're only 19 years old - I said to myself.
But was it my fault, was it my parents' fault, was it society's fault, everyone was always pressuring me that I was already 19, that I should be doing something, why, because there were young people my age, achieving a lot of things, achieving a lot of things, singing, creating videos, drawing.
My cell phone vibrated. A Discord message. One of my online friends was sending me a meme. I laughed a little. They were the only ones who made me feel like I existed. But still... it wasn't enough. There was only them. I had no friends in person. I was alone.
I got up and opened the window. Outside, the world was still going on. People walking, cars honking, laughter, shouting, other people's lives moving on. And here I was, stuck in an eternal loop. And an idea came back to my head. One that I had rejected many times, but now it didn't seem so absurd: to end it all.
I wanted to fly. I always wanted to fly. I liked to imagine I was a superhero, someone who could save the world, someone who could help those in need. End rape, murder, world hunger, anything that would make the world a better place. As a kid I wore capes made out of sheets imitating comic book superheroes.
When I turned 16, I researched if maybe I could get powers to fulfill the purpose of being a hero. But life is not a comic book. It's impossible to be a hero against bad people with guns. And I wasn't a bulletproof superhero. I was just Nihil Shiro.
-What if I fly for once? -I asked myself quietly.
I googled the wrong tall building in my area. First on the list was the former Vexoco Center. Abandoned to the public, it was now under control of a group of mercenaries. No one was going in there. No one went out. It was perfect.
I spent the entire week researching. Creating a plan. I analyzed the times when there was movement. I found a blind spot in their routines. It was dangerous and risky. But what did it matter, the destination was the same if they found me anyway.
In my room, my brother entered without knocking.
-Hey, in a week it's my graduation. Mom bought clothes for you. You're coming, right?
I looked at him. His smile hurt me. It was everything I wasn't.
-Yeah... sure.
-Great. And I told Mom we'd take a special picture. Like the heroes in that comic book we like. With the costumes and everything. It's going to be epic, isn't it? -she laughed.
I nodded wordlessly. He left.
- I have a plan to finish," I said to myself.
I lay down on the bed, but I didn't sleep. I spent the whole night fine-tuning the details in my mind. Calculating every step I made in detail. If I was going to do it, I had to do it right. I wanted to climb without being seen. I wanted to fly....
The clock read 4:37 a.m.
-Today... it's all over," I whispered.
END OF CHAPTER 1.