I thought I was losing my mind.
There I was hiding in the woods, barefoot in my pink tulip pajamas, a freaky glowing plant named Barry in my arms, and my survival backpack loaded with instant noodles, a charcoal block, a lighter, and an extra pair of boxers.
Then the night sky exploded.
It wasn't a fire. It wasn't thunder. It was… lasers. Lights. Beams of pure neon that washed over the trees, the houses, even my face.
A massive shadow hovered above my neighborhood. Not a drone. Not a plane. Not a UFO from some old movie. This was something else.
It shimmered like chrome dipped in liquid stars, with shifting shapes and massive lights flashing in patterns no human ever invented. It was like a nightclub designed by a god who failed geometry class. And then the sky itself spoke.
"HELLO, BLESSED AND CHOSEN HUMANS OF THIS TOWN."
I blinked.
"What?"
Barry made a faint humming sound like he was either impressed or about to cry.
Then, in huge, glowing neon letters that floated above the clouds, a new message appeared:
"YOU ARE CHOSEN FOR A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME—OR MAYBE NOT AT ALL—CHANCE TO BE 'ABOVE HUMANITY.' WE ARE PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU ARE ALL SELECTED TO A MULTIVERSE LITTLE GAME. IT'S EITHER SURVIVE OR FAIL. IF YOU DID FAIL, YOU CAN KISS THE EARTH'S ASS GOODBYE."
"YOU WILL REPRESENT THE PLANET #1234224... OR EARTH BECAUSE YOU OCCUPIED IT."
I just stared at it. My brain was buffering.
Multiverse? Game? Represent the planet?! Me?! I was twenty years old! I couldn't even keep my garden alive without half of it being "technically illegal"!
Then the voice added:
"PREPARE YOURSELVES, REPRESENTATIVES. YOUR DESIGNATED TRANSPORTATION WILL BE HERE SHORTLY."
At that moment, something buzzed overhead. Fast. A drone? No. A… something. Too fast to see. It circled the town once, twice, then zipped away with a whoosh that rattled my teeth.
I heard a scream in the distance. Then two.
Dogs barked. Lights flickered. Someone was shouting "ALIENS!" like it was bingo night and they just won the jackpot.
Barry pulsed with worry in my arms.
I clutched my bag tighter. I had no plan. I had no map. I had a glowing space orb, a journal, a lighter, and one hope:
Get far away before whoever—or whatever these "things" arrived to make me play their multiverse game. Because I had a terrible feeling that "Above humanity" didn't mean smarter or better or cooler.
And then, a large vacuum like saucer appeared and without warning, it sucked me and bary upward like a damn turned on vacuum. I hugged Barry as they sucked us up.
I opened my eyes and saw everything was floating, I mean, me, Barry and my backpack still attached to my back.
We were floating. Still.
It wasn't falling. It wasn't flying. It was just… floating in this weird glowing soup of space, time, and probably awkward destiny. My pajama pants were billowing like I was starring in a soft commercial for laundry detergent.
Barry orbited around me like a smug balloon with secrets. My backpack, somehow still strapped to my back, thudded lightly with every random noodle packet inside.
Then everything stopped.
Not the floating—I was still doing that—but the emptiness. A ripple ran through the air like reality had hiccuped.
That's when it happened.
The space cracked.
Literally cracked open like a glass mirror breaking underwater. Light poured in—silver, gold, and a little too pink for comfort. And out of that glowing crack stepped a person. Or, well, a being.
Tall. Robed. Face covered with a swirling mask that shimmered like static on a broken TV. No eyes. No mouth. No visible limbs. Just a floating, pulsing shape with way too much drama.
"John," the being said—or thought, or mind-yelled. "I am your Patron."
"Oh no," I muttered. "I have a Patron. I knew stealing Barry was gonna catch up to me.
Barry glowed sheepishly, like, oopsie.
"You have been selected for the Multiversal Trials. As your Patron, I shall guide and amplify your strengths."
"My strengths include eating cold spaghetti and accidentally entering top-secret labs."
The being didn't laugh.
Instead, it raised its shimmering hand and snapped.
That's when I heard something growl.
Out of thin air, with a puff of sparkles and... was that a little dubstep beat?—another figure dropped into the scene:
A PANDA.
A full-sized, robotic panda.
It had glowing red eyes, a chrome finish, and joints that hissed when it moved. Its fur was part synthetic, part metal wires, and its face had a permanent scowl carved into it.
"Oh great," I mumbled. "This is it. I'm being haunted by a robot bear."
The panda looked at me, scoffed, and spoke.
Yes. Spoke.
"Ugh. This is the human I'm stuck babysitting? You look like an expired marshmallow in those pajamas."
"Excuse me?!"
"I'm XP-03, codename 'Shiv,' class-one A.I. assistant and tactical overseer for low-tier idiots like you."
I blinked.
"Why are you so mean?"
"Because I have to work with you. And your 'pet' is a floating jelly bean named Barry. Truly, this is the pinnacle of cosmic evolution."
Barry let out a confused blip. Shiv ignored him.
My Patron—still just hovering like a spooky celestial screensaver—finally chimed back in.
"Shiv will act as your handler. He's… effective."
"Effective?!" I sputtered. "He insulted me in five seconds flat!"
"It was six," Shiv corrected. "And you deserved it."
"Enough." The Patron's voice echoed deeper now. "John, your Trial begins soon. Prepare yourself. You will need every advantage."
"Do insults count as advantages?" I muttered.
Before I could say anything else, a door—yes, a glowing rectangle in the middle of space—opened in front of us.
Light spilled out.
And somewhere inside, I heard voices. Dozens. Maybe hundreds.
Other people. Other players.
Shiv cracked his synthetic knuckles. "Time to play the game, Pajama Boy."
I groaned. "I'm twenty. My name is John. And I didn't sign up for any of this."
"Tough noodles, John," Shiv said with a smirk. "Welcome to the multiverse."