"Listen carefully, Astal. Could you pretend to be my lover for one week—just one week?"
It had all started with those sudden, unexpected words.
This whole mess could be traced back to Victoria, the Saintess of the Hero's party, the woman whose body was half-covered in blooming flowers.
"…And why exactly should I do that?"
I shot Victoria a flat, unimpressed look.
Over the past year, during our journey to defeat the Demon King, we'd been less like lovers, and more like friends—no, closer to bickering companions, if anything.
"Because," she said, "everyone else already has someone they're involved with."
"So what? Why do I have to be the one playing your fake boyfriend? There are plenty of other guys out there," I said, waving a hand toward the world in general.
I couldn't make sense of it.The same Victoria who normally couldn't stand me was now asking for this? It made no sense.
I raised a cigarette to my lips, the stress starting to get to me—only for Victoria to stop me, using her magic without hesitation.
"Answer me now. Will you do it or not?"
The cigarette, woven from magic leaves, instantly bloomed into a flower, making it impossible to smoke.
Victoria bit her lower lip, clearly displeased.She had always hated my drinking and smoking habits with a passion.
"If I agree," I said, crossing my arms lazily, "will you tell me the real reason?"
She hesitated, her lips parting slightly as she began to explain.
"You know... among the Demon King's Four Generals, there's one we have to face—the Succubus Queen."
"Yeah. You fainted on sight the last time you ran into her."
The Succubus Queen, the ruler of dreams, was notorious for manipulating the hearts of mortals. She had once relentlessly targeted Victoria, tormenting her with nightmares so vivid she couldn't sleep for days.
Victoria's voice dropped to a whisper.
"Forgive me for saying this, but… in my dream, you appeared."
"What? No way. You've said yourself you can't stand guys like me."
"I can't," she agreed without hesitation. "When I woke up and realized, I wanted to throw up everything inside me. The Succubus Queen must have exploited my disgust toward you."
She stuck out her tongue and mimed gagging, shooting me a look as if I were lower than dirt.I almost took actual offense.
"It was a truly horrifying nightmare…" she continued. "The part where you proposed to me was especially revolting."
"And how does that connect to this whole fake lover idea?"
"If I can experience what it's like to be with you beforehand," she said matter-of-factly, "then I'll be able to resist her illusions. They won't feel real anymore."
Apparently, in her dream, she hadn't been able to snap out of the fantasy—possibly because she was constantly surrounded by men who genuinely admired her.
I nodded in understanding.
"Well, they do say the key to breaking a dream is noticing the cracks between it and reality."
For the record, Victoria had appeared in my dreams too.She was the kind of beauty who could make heads turn just by walking down the street—rumored to have been sculpted by the gods themselves. Even atheists might find themselves praying after one look at her.
Her allure was enough to drive any man to distraction.But—
The moment she confessed she liked me in the dream, I immediately realized it was fake and woke up.
The real Victoria was an utterly difficult and exhausting woman.She would pester me daily to pray to the gods, sneak up on me during my night watch to ask if I needed someone to talk to, and even tried to ban alcohol and cigarettes from my life for "health reasons."
There were days I genuinely wanted to grab her by the collar and shake some sense into her.
"Are you seriously telling me this is the only way? Couldn't you just start dating someone else? There are plenty of Holy Knights under the Pope's command."
The idea of becoming Victoria's lover—even if only a fake one—was enough to make my skin crawl.
Under the table, I tapped my foot lightly, weighing the pros and cons in my mind.
1. If I agreed to fake-date Victoria, what would that make of the friendship we'd built up until now?
2. Objectively—and subjectively—Victoria was a beauty.Not exactly a bad deal for me.
3. But her personality… was a nightmare.Only someone like me could even tolerate it.
4. Could I really become her fake lover, relying only on our shared history, friendship, and sheer tolerance for her difficult nature?
"I'd rather die than be your boyfriend," I said flatly.
My answer was a firm no.
I tried to gently suggest she find someone else instead, but—
"That's not possible," Victoria shot back, frowning even deeper than before."All the Holy Knights under the Pope are nothing but a pack of horny mutts trying to win my favor."
I could hardly argue.Ever since Victoria had become the Saintess, there were rumors that applications for Holy Knights had quadrupled.
"Well, if they knew what your real personality was like, they'd probably bite their own tongues and die," I said, making a slashing gesture across my throat.
Victoria wasn't just beautiful; she was powerful enough to smash a demon's skull in with a hammer.
"Astal-nim, are you aware that your personality is even worse than mine?" she snapped.
"Was there ever any doubt, Saintess?"
I forced my fingers to unclench and kept a polite smile plastered on my face.
Honestly, if it weren't for her mouth and that nasty attitude, I might've agreed right away…
No matter how I spun it, becoming her fake lover was a terrible idea.
Look at her even now—stealing my drink just because she couldn't stand the sight of me taking a sip.
Just hold out a little longer, I told myself. She'll give up soon enough.
As for the Succubus Queen, well, we had lost our chance to defeat her when Victoria passed out during the last encounter—but next time, I'd make sure to kill her myself.
"Huu, Astaal…"
At that moment, Victoria began twirling her finger on the table, her voice dipping into a soft, childish whine.Anyone else might have thought it was cute.
She sighed, tugging at her holy robes as if to say the room was too hot—a seductive, almost unconscious gesture.
"Yes, o gracious Saintess," I said dryly.
But I wasn't about to be fooled.
With a flick of my hand, I cast a cooling spell around her, instantly lowering the temperature.
"Eek! That's freezing!" she cried. "Seriously, you're just...!"
"How could I ignore the Saintess's suffering?" I said solemnly. "As your humble servant, I only did what I must."
I wasn't about to let my guard down.
I still remembered the time I carried a drunken Victoria to bed, only for her to mock me afterward, saying, 'As expected of Astal-nim—utterly impotent. I knew it!'
If I had so much as touched her, the Vatican would've hauled me away for the crime of defiling the Saintess.
"Astal... am I really that unattractive to you?"
Victoria's voice softened suddenly, sounding almost shy, as if she'd had one drink too many.
There was no denying it—she was attractive.Beautiful face, prickly attitude, but deep down, not a bad person.
I'd seen her weep for war orphans once, praying fervently on a battlefield still reeking of blood.
"Who ever said you weren't attractive?"
Her only faults were a sharp tongue and a twisted personality.
"You did," she said, almost in tears. "Even if you don't like me, you could be a little less cruel about it."
I sighed inwardly.Succubi nightmares were known to warp their victims' emotions, plunging them into endless cycles of torment.Victoria must have suffered a great deal.
"Victoria," I said, "you're not drunk. I know your tolerance better than anyone. I've seen you watch others drink for hours without blinking. You don't get tipsy from this little."
"..."
Hic.
She hiccupped in surprise, clearly caught off-guard.
How badly had the Succubus Queen haunted her, to make her go so far as to fake being drunk just to persuade me?
Victoria, the woman who would never show a hint of weakness, was now baring her vulnerable side—desperately.
"So, what exactly are the terms and duration of this deal? We need to be clear about this, after all."
I sighed deeply and handed Victoria a piece of parchment and a quill I'd conjured with magic. As the floating items caught the attention of those around us, I felt the weight of the moment.
"...What? Really? I thought you'd just tell me to tough it out with sheer willpower."
Victoria blinked at me in disbelief, her mouth opening and closing twice as if she couldn't quite grasp what was happening. Her eyes spoke volumes—she hadn't expected this to work.
"Come on, set the terms already. If you pass out again like last time, how are we supposed to rescue the injured teammates?"
Looking at her, I couldn't wait to get out of this situation. If it weren't for the Succubus Queen, I wouldn't have to deal with such a bothersome task.
"The first condition is that the contract lasts exactly one week… No, that's too short. Let's make it a month. A month is easier to explain to others."
I quickly jotted down the terms I'd calculated earlier. A week would have been too short to really notice the difference between reality and a dream.
"Why is it easier to explain?" Victoria asked, raising an eyebrow.
"A month is the most common breakup period for couples. Haven't you ever dated before?"
"You, too. You've never been in a relationship, have you?"
"...Shut up."
I was left speechless by Victoria's retort. Somehow, she had gotten so close that our breaths were almost touching.
"Second, once the contract ends, we go back to being friends. Understood?"
"Well, obviously. Are you thinking I might actually fall for you or something?"
Victoria stammered slightly. This was the first time I'd seen her flustered. It seemed like she was nervous about this whole contract-dating thing.
"Of course not. If I ever saw you as a woman, my magic would set my eyes on fire instantly."
"..."
Honestly, she felt more like the annoying little sister from next door—sharp-tongued, brash, and constantly grumbling—but still, you couldn't hate her for it.
"Third, no physical contact without the other person's consent. Got it, Victoria?"
"I understand."
Victoria swallowed audibly, her gaze fixed intently on the parchment I was writing on.
"Finally, our contract relationship is a secret. Only we know about it."
"Let's tell everyone we're dating and then, later on, say we broke up and went back to being friends. It'll be the cleanest way to handle it."
"Sounds good. So it's settled?"
Victoria was quick on the uptake. I couldn't help but smile, impressed that she'd already anticipated what I was going to say.
After all, we were comrades who'd fought side by side. There was trust between us, enough that I'd entrust her with my back and even ask her for help with something as personal as my homeland.
"Then from now on, we..."
We wrote our names on the parchment and signed another contract, each taking a copy for ourselves.
"We're dating. For exactly one month. To build immunity against the Succubus Queen's attacks."
In that moment, neither of us could look away from the other's eyes.
"Well then, may I hold your hand? I've always wanted to hold a man's hand."
"You really are desperate, aren't you?"
"...Absolutely not."
Once given permission, Victoria immediately intertwined her fingers with mine, her hand wrapping around mine like a snake. Her smile was slightly crooked, and her lips were curled in a way that made it difficult to tell whether she was nervous or teasing.
"Your hands are cold. Did you know that? There's a saying that cold hands mean a warm heart."
"That's true. You're incredibly warm-hearted yourself."
"Are you insulting me?"
For a moment, my heart skipped a beat.
Clearly, Victoria thought of this contract relationship as a brief flirtation, a little spark that would burn out soon enough.
---
I should have known.
"Why are you staring at me like that?"
• Finally, it's working! Now, I'll use this excuse to make her see me as more than just a friend…!
Ever since signing the contract, I'd suddenly begun hearing Victoria's inner thoughts.