It began with a single bark.
Not a regular bark — no, this was a soundbite. A bork uploaded to TikTok by a 14-year-old named Kayden, edited with a techno beat, and captioned:
"When your influencer dog has problematic views #ButtermilkIsOverParty"
Travis nearly dropped his cereal.
"What the hell is this?" he muttered, mouth full of granola. "She just barked at a drone."
Carlton, staring at his laptop like it had insulted his ancestors, whispered, "She's trending. But… the wrong kind of trending."
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#ButtermilkIsOverParty
The video showed Buttermilk barking at a drone filming in their park. But thanks to clever editing and evil tween energy, it now looked like Buttermilk was:
Barking during a wildlife conservation parade
Chasing birds in slow motion (those birds were actually CGI)
Wearing a suspiciously photoshopped collar that said "DOWN WITH PIGEONS"
One Twitter thread read:
> "Wow. First she faked that flea allergy for clout. Now THIS? What happened to the wholesome Buttermilk I used to follow? #disappointed"
A YouTube drama channel posted a 45-minute video titled:
"The DARK TRUTH about Buttermilk: Parasites, Puppets, and Privilege"
Carlton stared at the TV. "What do they mean by puppets?"
Travis didn't blink. "They're calling me a handler with an agenda."
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Damage Control Mode
They held an emergency meeting in the living room.
Travis wore a suit jacket over his pajamas. Carlton held a legal pad titled Apology Pathways. Buttermilk wore a baby pink hoodie that said "Fur-give Me."
Step One: Draft the apology video.
Carlton read the draft aloud:
> "Hey guys, I'm Buttermilk, and I just want to say from the bottom of my heart… I'm sorry to everyone who was hurt by my bark. I was barking at a flying robot, not the idea of bird sovereignty. My tail wags for ALL species."
Travis added, "We should end it with slow violin music. Maybe zoom in on her sad eyes."
Buttermilk blinked. Then licked her butt.
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The Apology Video (Director's Cut)
The video opened with soft piano music and a shot of Buttermilk on a windowsill, looking pensive.
Text on screen:
> "This is hard… but necessary."
Carlton, crouching off-camera, held a single tear dropper to Buttermilk's face. Travis, behind the camera, whispered, "Emote… emote…"
The rest of the video included:
Buttermilk standing in front of a birdhouse with a dove perched on top (Carlton rented it from Craigslist)
A whiteboard explanation of how barking at drones ≠ speciesism
A musical montage titled Bark, Not Bite: A Journey to Redemption
They uploaded it to YouTube.
And waited.
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The Backlash to the Backlash
The response was immediate… and polarizing.
Some comments were furious:
> "Fake tears! Her eyes don't even glisten properly!"
"I saw her chase a butterfly once. #InsectLivesMatter"
"This is performative tail-wagging."
But others were supportive:
> "She's a literal dog, Karen."
"Let her bark. It's her culture."
"Buttermilk is brave. She barked through the pain."
Then Buzzfeed released an article titled:
"We Interviewed 5 Dogs About Buttermilk's Bark. The Results Might Surprise You"
Every dog interviewed simply said, "Woof."
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Enter: The Redemption Tour
Travis declared, "If politicians can do apology tours, so can poodles."
They booked:
A local charity dog wash event (Buttermilk wore a sash: Wet But Wise)
A collab video with a therapy parrot named Vicki (they stared awkwardly at each other for 7 minutes)
A podcast interview with "Canine Consciousness: Woke Pets Only"
And a children's book deal titled "Bark Once for Sorry"
Carlton sighed as the checks started rolling in again. "This isn't a redemption arc. This is a brand pivot."
Buttermilk didn't care. She was back on top. Her followers hit 2 million.
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Later That Week
The doorbell rang. A courier dropped off a small package. Inside was a single feather… and a note:
> "You may have cleared your name, Buttermilk… but the pigeons remember."
Carlton gasped. "She's got enemies in the sky now."
Travis rubbed his temples. "We need a bodyguard. Or a hawk."
Buttermilk sneezed dramatically and rolled over.
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