> "I've fought gods, monsters, and men who think they're both.
But nothing... nothing is worse than an immortal board meeting."
— Nick Fury, deleting a spreadsheet with extreme prejudice
---
[Location: SHIELD Blacksite Delta-42 – Somewhere Between Earth-616 and "Do Not Enter"]
Nick Fury returned to his secret office to find:
Three apocalyptic reports marked "MAYBE REAL???"
A coffee mug growing sentience,
And a glowing projector that whispered in PowerPoint transitions.
Maria Hill (appearing via secure link):
> "Sir, the Celestial Senate scheduled you for a mandatory 'Reality Status Review.'"
Fury:
> "Didn't we fire them?"
Maria:
> "They reinstated themselves. Via multiversal clause 404."
Fury:
> "I hate everything."
---
[Morning – The Cosmic Boardroom]
Fury entered a boardroom made of stars, regret, and legally binding disappointment.
Twelve godlike bureaucrats sat around a table made of recycled timelines.
Chair-Celestial:
> "Director Fury. You have violated Article 7 of the Multiversal Narrative Flow.
You tampered with plot inertia, enabled crossover anomalies, and sanctioned an unauthorized clown king."
Fury (flat):
> "You're welcome."
---
[Midday – Bureaucratic Combat: The PowerPoint War]
They tried to defeat him using:
A flowchart of failure
An ethereal spreadsheet titled "Reasons Fury is the Problem"
A slideshow with transitions so slow it bent time
Fury countered with:
A redacted pie chart
A 48-slide montage of every timeline he's prevented from blowing up
One bullet, as a bullet point
Fury (calmly):
> "Try me again, and I'll submit you to an Excel file so broken, even God can't 'Undo' it."
The room fell silent.
---
[Chat Ping – During a 7-Hour Voting Recess]
Fury:
> "Just finished gaslighting twelve universal administrators into shutting up."
Deadpool:
> "You're my spirit animal, but with fewer unicorns."
Artoria:
> "You should lead a kingdom."
Fury:
> "I do. It's called 'Earth on Fire.'"
MC:
> "Good work. Keep the red tape burning."
---
[Evening – Back at the Command Terminal]
He reviewed incoming data.
Corrupted timelines slowing.
The Chat Group… stable.
His coffee finally stopped whispering.
He allowed himself one moment of peace.
> "Still got it."
Then three more reports appeared.
All marked:
"Potential God-Adjacent Influencers With Social Media Power Beyond Mortal Comprehension"
Fury (sighing):
> "TikTok is how the world ends, isn't it?"
---
[System Notification]
> Trait Gained:
"Cosmic Bureaucrat Slayer (Lv.1)" – Immune to stalling, delays, or narrative suspension tactics. May override paperwork with sheer spite.
---
End of Chapter 38: Nick Fury