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Chapter 5 – A Smile No One Sees
Sundays in church, I wear my best smile. I laugh when it's time to laugh. I lift my hands when others do. I say "Amen" when expected. But deep down… I feel empty.
Before, whenever the choir would sing, something would lift in my soul—like I was rising with the melody. I would close my eyes and feel God close to me, like He was hugging me in silence. But now… I just sit there. I just stare at everybody. Watching them. Wishing I could feel something. Anything.
I look around at people my age—laughing, singing, dancing like everything is perfect. And in my heart, I envy them.
Because they don't know what it feels like to touch yourself at night and then wake up with guilt so heavy, it wraps around your heart like chains.
They don't know what it feels like to be ashamed while raising your hands in worship.
They don't know how many times I whispered to God, "I'm sorry… please, just give me one more chance," only to mess up again before the next church service.
They don't know how many times I've cried during sermons, not because the words touched me—but because I felt like I didn't belong in that room anymore.
Sometimes, I even question, "What if they all knew who I really am?" Would they still smile at me like they do? Would they still let me sing in the choir?
I pretend so well. Even my mum thinks I'm just tired or shy.
But inside, I'm broken. I'm acting on the outside, and crumbling on the inside.
With time, I stopped staying in the midst of friends. I started distancing myself. Not because I hated them… but because I felt like I didn't deserve to be loved.
There was a time a group of us were sitting under the mango tree after youth service, just talking and laughing. Then someone randomly brought up the word "masturbation."
They all looked confused.
One girl even said, "What's that?"
And they all started giggling and saying, "Eww, that's disgusting," or "Who even does that?"
I just laughed with them.
I acted clueless.
I nodded like I didn't know what it was.
But deep inside me, something shattered.
The guilt grabbed my chest and squeezed it so tight I couldn't breathe.
I wanted to scream "Me. I do it. I'm struggling. I'm drowning and I need help."
But I couldn't.
Instead, I smiled.
I smiled like nothing was wrong.
But the guilt… it kept eating me up.
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