Johnny, I know you're watching me. You're probably thinking, 'What's he doing again?' But Johnny, you're the only one I can tell. We're fucking one and in this case it's not even a metaphor!
I remember you from the very first time we met, you were a rather... 'ambitious' and quite 'creative' bloke in the prime of his life. Whilst it may seem like I haven't given you much thought at all in every event - that's not true.
Every time I interacted with others, I tried your mask on myself.
You're probably a little annoyed, but I wasn't thrown in here to drink cocktails either, was I? We didn't choose this, you know?
We're in the same boat.
We're sitting together in a barrel of not-so-honey because of fucking Fate.
Fuck it!
You want to know how it ends? It's gonna be fucking great! I promise you, mate.
Keep your eyes open, Johnny, keep your eyes open, cos I'm dedicating this story to you.
Cos even if fate's bitch kicked us both up the arse, I'm gonna make her dance to our tune and turn it all to hell.
What are you talking about. Harem? Friends? No, of course not. That's rubbish, we've got enough to do without that!
Hang on, I'm trying to explain to you how we're gonna take on the world, what are you talking about? Girls? What the hell are girls?! No. No girls. There's no time for that in the business. No, I'm telling you. No! Fuck, yes! Sometimes you're just unbearable! I'll get girls, I'll get girls! You happy now? All right then. Kkm, we're gonna have a good time that'll make everyone jealous!
***
- Hoo-hoo,' I open my eyes and suddenly jump out of bed, feeling incredibly strange. - Where am I, what the fuck?
I stare up at the ceiling and see little specks of dust flying against the rays of sunlight. The room is small and reminds me of the American style, when all the furniture is as if from Ikea, and there are no old women's wardrobes, which were collected in the Soviet times.
I wipe my eyes once more to make sure I'm not dreaming.
- Come on, it's not real, is it? How did I even end up here.
I feel like I've been warmed up, drunk, and thrown in here. I'm comfortable, but it's scary to imagine that someone could have taken me to a place I don't even know. It's a bloody robbery! No! Stealing. No, that's the word. Anyway, I've been kidnapped, you bastards.
Oh, wait a minute. I'm starting to realise something, and suddenly, like a flash, I'm seeing someone else's memories in my head.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... I'm a real hit man... not just any hit man, but a street kid without an adequate home.
I escaped from an orphanage and I've been running around the streets for a couple of weeks now doing your bullshit... My name is Jonathan with no last name because... my parents are unknown.
Well, at least it's a cool name, thank you. I'll be JoJo to make references, like, - I put my palm to my face and sigh pathetically.
- Yare-yare-daze,' I get out of bed and look at my new self in the round mirror next to me.
A dirty-looking boy. American. Grey eyes, black hair. Overgrown and smelly. Hmpf, eww, smells good, but my nose got used to it, and I got used to that bad smell along with the spawn. Thank you, that's a useful skill, tolerating your own stench!
He's only twelve, though, and he hasn't had a taste of normal life yet. And will he ever, given his lowly position? It's almost impossible to rise in the world as an orphan. Oh, you poor guy, Jonathan... but wait, shit, that's me now!
- What about the normal and super cool rebirth into Peter Parker and Superman, for fuck's sake!!! - I scream, grabbing my head, and stagger back in shock. - I'm a fucking bum!
With no fucking body and no parents! Totally alone! Only the crappy teacher at the orphanage tormented me and that's fine!
I look around the house I'm in in a mild panic attack and realise I've wandered into someone else's flat on the third floor. Through that ajar window over there, which the landlady of the room forgot to close.
Oh, for fuck's sake! I'm a fucking burglar!
This is worse than I was in my last life!
AAH!
- All right, hold on, Johnny, calm down. It's not that bad. You can still go back to the orphanage and apologise, and then... - I grab my head and sigh. - What am I even doing here?
I look around the room again and remember that I came here because I wanted to sleep on a soft bed, because I'm sick of sleeping at the tracks.
You're a fucking genius, Johnny!
Why did you leave the orphanage in the first place?!
Oh, because you had a fight with your teacher and you were so fucking proud?!
Goddamn it, I'm in the body of an arsehole!
It's a complete dump!
I glance at the chest of drawers and the other things on the chair. Women's jeans, women's underwear. All women's clothes.
You're going to steal men's clothes and you're going to steal a girl's room! How fucking stupid can you be?!
- Joohnny, for fuck's sake! I'd punch you in the face, but this is my face now. You're robbing a girl! Wait, what, you were gonna steal that skinny little broad's T-shirt from her? - I take the T-shirt folded up on the dresser with two fingers, which could fit a skinny sixteen-year-old boy, and I curve my lip as I put it back. - No, Johnny, you and I are not going anywhere. You're a total moron. I'm no genius either, but you're light years away, bro.
I sigh and fall to the carpet, grabbing my head and swaying from side to side as I try to collect my thoughts.
- So... I don't know why there's no one in the room, though...' the sun is blinding my eyes, and I turn away from the window disgruntled, 'It's only morning and the house should be noisy after waking up.
The owners have gone somewhere. Summer, holiday? Never mind!
Lucky-lucky. I could stay here a little longer and it would be OK, but am I a fool? I'd better go back to the orphanage. I have to see the world through my own eyes and not through the memory of stupid Jonathan, because I don't like the way he saw the world with his fucking ideas.
I'll explain: Johnny saw and perceived things in his own way, and his memory got me exactly the same perception as he experienced it. In other words, I got a brief retelling of his life from his mouth, and he either embellished or twisted it beyond recognition. With his genius intellect, that's easy.
For example, why the fuck is his teacher a complete idiot, if she tried to protect him and not to give him offence? Yes, she acted harshly with him and restricted him in some places, but that's only because he is a moron himself and doesn't understand simple things! How can you steal food from your underprivileged peers and break into other people's houses looking for a place to sleep?! That's what Johnny used to break windows for. Now he got lucky and the landlady forgot to close the window, so he took advantage of that and climbed in.
So I'm in the body of a thief who just wants to take what's wrong and sell it back. ha ha ha ha. Johnny, for fuck's sake! You're a fucking supermind! I'm reading his memories now and laughing at how he imagined stealing someone else's Rollecs and then selling them on the Black Market.
And here! He saw a film once in someone else's house and now he's a super gangster.
All right, Johnny, I forgive you, you're only 12 years old.
And to be honest, I can respect you because you're so ambitious and entrepreneurial. I wish you didn't have a dumb head.
The boy could sneak into houses and steal clothes without being seen. He's been on his own for a fortnight without any trouble, except for busting his arse.
But in a way, he's a talented thief. Ho-ho! Johnny, are you one of those brilliant Marvel characters who've been inventing killer super-robots since you were a baby? - I chuckle, and suddenly I notice Miss Marvel flying over my head.
- Heh-heh, - yes, Marvel. It's a funny universe, Johnny,' I say smiling under my breath, and I freeze. - ... wait che...?!
I look out of the black, barely ajar window with my small head and peer out into the street!
- WATAFAK, MAN! - He's speaking fucking English. - That's a real hot woman!
I see him finishing off the morning criminals outside a convenience store with... what's that? ATMs. Well, Johnny, you don't even know what ATMs are called, do you? Thank God I still have my past life knowledge, or I'd be lost with your erudition.
While Marvel's finishing up the criminals... well, it didn't take long, I lean on the window sill and sigh.
- Well, since I'm in the body of an asshole, it can't hurt to live like an asshole, because I'm not getting off to the best start.
I want to say hello to the Captain, but I'm afraid she'll grab me and take me back to the orphanage.
I'd like that, but embarrassing myself in front of Captain Marvel with my trousers shit on and being a wanted man? Fuck that!
I'd rather pour myself a coffee.
I walk out into someone else's kitchen and look around at my temporary home that doesn't even belong to me.
Shit... it's even fun to be a thief, you're here like a god and you don't pay anything. It's just a shame they'd give you a pussy for it.
A three-room flat in what looks like a five-storey building. It's all white and green and brown, and it looks like some designer's flat. Everything is full of eye-pleasing decorations, photo wallpapers, neat sliding tables, aesthetically pleasing combined kitchen and hall. And it smells of plants and freshness.
I walk across the white rough carpet to the lockers and spot the fridge. Food!
The thought of food makes me shudder, and I burst out in an impulse to gobble something down like a crazed bulldog. I open the cupboard and there is indeed a rubbish bin, that's all I see. I look up at the upper lockers, which I can't reach without a chair, and sigh. Grabbing a chair and standing on it, I see the very same coffee and kettle on the table. Bingo! Then I climb into the fridge and with trembling hands I see everything that seems edible, and it's all edible.
Sausage, cheese, all that rubbish. I shove it in before I can open the wrapper. I swallow it, and I feel wild delight and savour. And then some incomprehensible lump of nausea comes to my throat, and I break into a run to the loo.
- Bwoochee...
After five minutes of incomprehensible shock and awwww, I pull away from the jolt and weave my way to the kitchen. I brew myself someone else's coffee and sit down to watch a wide and high-quality someone else's TV on a soft, lush someone else's sofa with five other people's cushions.
It's a little shaky and freezing, but overall I'm okay.
On TV news like yesterday and a couple of days ago the Avengers rescued people from a collapsing bridge. The Fantastic Four fight off an attack by some crocodile-like creatures off a New York beach, and the Hulk is allowed to do juice with his merch.
- Ugh! I'm really in fucking Marvel for fuck's sake... This is no joke, Johnny. You and I are in the fucking arsehole, and we're in the fucking arsehole.
I just need to remember why I'm here and how Johnny let me into this skinny body.
I rummage through my memory and catch a horribly sad and cruel memory that I didn't want to know about. I slowly set the mug of coffee down on the table and exhale, covering my eyes.
- Johnny, you fool. I can see why I was so fucking nauseous. Why didn't you just tell me you starved to death? - I look at my skinny little baby hands, and I almost let out a tear, now I feel like a real scumbag.
Another sigh, and an exhale. I put my hands to my face and sit like that for ages until I recover from the shock I've received.
In the body of a dead child who starved to death? It's horrible.
Just fucking shitty.
You've got a fucked-up life, Johnny!
He was such a clever boy, yeah, I made jokes about him, but what do you expect from a kid? He was talented enough, he was smart enough. It's a shame he misapplied his talents, but he's a kid without parents, who's gonna teach him?
Fucking bitter. Ugh.
- All right, Johnny, don't worry about it. In Marvel, there's like a God and souls live in heaven. I think you can see me and I'll tell you what, Johnny, don't worry, I'll live a good life for you.
***
I'm sitting here wondering what to do now.
I want to dig into my memory and remember why the hell I'm here, but after Johnny, I don't feel like doing anything.
Yeah, well, let's think about it a little bit.
So my past life... Vovanchik the salesman, playing erotic gacha games?
I put my hand to my face and take a long, long breath.
Okay, I take it back, Johnny, your new life is in jeopardy! Please forgive me for everything! I was the ultimate jerk!
Losing all desire to remember myself, and with a sigh, headed for the orphanage.
It was time to acknowledge my new identity and see how new I had lived so far in the world of Heroes.
If I get it right, I'll be fucked in Marvel's world if I don't do anything to improve myself, as every trainee knows!
America is an unsafe arsehole of a world, and I'm in Marvel. Where you can die from random space shit even if you spend your whole life in a bunker.
- Ho-ho-ho-ho! That's fucking hilarious!
Maybe I wanted to go to Harry Potter world!
Maybe I wanted to be an underage brat at Hogwarts! Puffendoo, Cogtevran, Zoopendoo, but that's where I wanted to go.
А!!!
- Whoever sent me here, know that you-' I cut myself off at the thought and squinted suspiciously at the dazzling afternoon sky, screwing up my eyes. - Who let you in the first place, for....
Wait a minute, messing with God in Marvel? This is obviously a bad idea, damn it. He's going to get his pussy kicked in here, too.
- Tsk,' I drag my fingers across my chest and step away.
I cough into my fist and calmly walk towards the Aurora Mertz orphanage. Thankfully, I remember the road from someone else's memory and manoeuvre calmly.
On the bright side, even in someone else's body I have almost all of his skills, not counting the crooked cunt Johnny used every time to fool Roberta's teacher.
And she never believed him and constantly kicked him up the arse! Huh, Johnny, bright memory to you, but... Okay, I'm not saying anything.
Your eloquence skills suck, but we can fix that. I didn't work in sales my whole life for nothing, did I? I'll sell her something and we'll be done.
I stop in front of the orphanage and look at it. It's not exactly top-notch. Not the newest pale building that would give you the creeps like a horror film. Just in case, I look around for signs of The Nun, and sigh. Well... not much?
Of the orphanages Johnny knew, ours was the shittiest of the shitty ones, but to me Johnny was just fucking around. It's nice where we're not!
Roberta loved you, lad, and you know it, but because of the fuss in your head we have a pile of overturned wood and a savoury scone on top.
Not loving your own home because of a complicated relationship is a typical theme, but don't make it worse. Is there a place to sleep? Food is provided? Then it's all good! You're an orphan!
I slowly walk up to the open gate and look inside. There's a whole play area with a sandpit where the kids play. My peers, my brothers and sisters. Hoh, Johnny, there's loads of your future wives in here! - I joked, even though I was a little nervous about meeting our favourite teacher, Roberta.
In Johnny's eyes, Roberta is a bitch who's obsessed with hyper-parenting, but that's just his perception. And those perceptions are like nightmares to me, they just pop into my head and there's nothing I can do about it.
Anyway, I go inside and quickly run down the walkway so I don't get spotted by the brats. The door is close and I reach for it, but suddenly it swings open and hits me in the nose.
Fuck me!
- Oh... Jonathan. Is that you?
The cause of my nasal pain peeks out from behind the door, a little brat with pigtails named Ruby. An orphan like me, only real.
- Ruby... damn, who taught you how to open doors like that, man! - I grab my nose and touch it. I think it's okay. Or not.
I look at the little brat and I see her sticking her finger in her mouth and staring at me like it's normal.
Ruby's out of it, and she's got something on her mind. Not that I'm insulting her, just stating the facts. Her parents dumped her on the doorstep of an orphanage and left her to die in nappies. The little girl has lived her whole life in an orphanage, but her facial expression hasn't changed since then, as if she had 'lost her heart' forever.
I look at her face and I don't notice any weirdness behind her, so she's just an ordinary little girl who has been very unlucky in life. No hidden imb or great superheroic wonders in the little girl. She's just like me, no trousers and no hope.
But we'll see about that, won't we?
I walk past her and again, no reaction from her. She just stares at me dumbly.
How did Johnny feel about Ruby? Loved her, by the way. And he loved her with an innocent, boyish love. Is she weird? No, to Johnny, she's the best. That's nice, Johnny, I'll give you that. But I'm not exactly the type, so I'm sorry. The best I can do is help her out a little out of respect for you. Yeah, you wanted to enrich yourself and take Ruby as your wife, and I'm not like that.
It's a shame, but what can you do? Life is cruel.
Crossing the threshold of the orphanage. Yeah, it's almost like a church because the Aurora Orphanage belongs to the church. And in general, nobody gives a shit about orphans, except the Church and believers, who may behave strangely at times, but are often very kind people.
I stop gawking and step forward, suddenly seeing a shadow looming over poor me and swallow. A tall woman in black and white vestments, like those of the ministering monks, looks like the Righteous Lord at the wretched sinner. O confess, wretched slave, for Roberta will cast you into the very depths of Hell for your transgressions!
- I... um,' the body trembles. Poor Johnny, what has become of you?! You're a coward, not a man! Raise your head proudly and accept this pathetic slap!
Roberta looks angry and raises her hand to do it! The moment of remorse is coming, and I must face it as a man should!
- Jonathan!
Her arms enclose me in their embrace, and press me tenderly to her with shuddering care and awe.
- What...I don't understand,' I whisper, flapping my eyes.
Droplets fall on my cheek, I can feel their salt. The world falls and blooms again with unfamiliar feelings.
Who am I and where am I?
When Roberta starts crying behind my fragile little back everything in my eyes immediately changes.
Johnny...we blew it.
- I was so scared! I thought I'd never see you again, Jonathan!
- I'm so sorry... Robert,' was all I could squeeze out.
'...Johnny wanted me to tell you.'