Act One: Xiliang Cavalry Takes a Delivery Order
It was the spring of the third year of Chuping. As the snow finally began to melt across the Longxi plateau, Ma Teng received a very special delivery order—a blood-stained imperial edict from Chang'an. And yes, it was marked express.
"You have a new order on HungryHorse!" the messenger shouted with enthusiasm, holding up a blood-splotched sheepskin scroll. "Note: Express delivery! Extra payment! No scallions!"
Standing atop the drill platform at Jincheng's military training grounds, Ma Teng held the scroll aloft while the "Restore Han, Eliminate Traitors" banner flapped dramatically behind him in the mountain wind. A massive QR code was printed on the banner—it linked to the Ma Clan Army's startup journey and customer reviews.
One recent review stood out:
"Delivery took forever. The cold dishes arrived hot. One star. —From Li Jue in Chang'an"
"Brothers!" Ma Teng bellowed, holding up the blood-edged scroll. "Li Jue from Chang'an gave us a bad review! Said we Xiliang people are uncivilized! Late deliveries! Poor service!"
Below the stage, thirty thousand armored cavalrymen dropped to their knees with a roar of clashing metal so loud it caused avalanches on the nearby peaks.
"REFUND! I mean… VENGEANCE!"
Old man Han Sui trembled as he took the scroll, tears streaming down his face. "This handwriting… it's the Young Emperor's! Back in Luoyang Academy, he still owed me twenty copper coins!" He reached into his robes and pulled out a crumpled IOU. "Look, black and white—'Owe Senior Han 20 wen. Will repay next month.' It's been how many months now…?"
Suddenly, a scout came rushing in, halting with a screech of hooves and a cloud of dust. "Report! Li Jue's general, Fan Chou, has taken Chencang and is flexing all over Meituan Moments with photos! Captioned: 'Xiliang delivery? Overrated.'"
Ma Teng's eyes bulged with fury. He swung his sword and snapped the banner pole clean in half. "We march at dawn! I'll show Li Jue what it means to mess with Xiliang Delivery! Late delivery? I'll give him lightning-speed delivery!"
Seventeen-year-old Ma Chao was busy polishing his Tigerhead Golden Spear with a whetstone imported from the Western Regions. He looked up with stars in his eyes. "Dad, can I be the vanguard this time? I'm already Diamond rank on HungryHorse! My on-time rate is 99.9%!"
Ma Teng looked at his son's shining eyes, then down at the shimmering tip of the deadly spear, suddenly concerned. "Chao'er… are you sure you want to deliver with that thing? What if you accidentally stab a customer?"
"Dad!" Ma Chao pouted. "This is no ordinary spear! It's the Tigerhead Golden Spear—modular design! See?" He pulled out a strange contraption from his cloak. "Attachable food-warmer tip! Keeps the meals hot and the enemies hotter!"
Act Two: The Great Review War Outside Chang'an
April 8th. Outside the west gate of Chang'an, the most absurd battle of the era was about to begin: The Great Review War.
Li Jue's army stood at attention, but instead of weapons, they held banners and signs. Not of war—but of five-star reviews.
"General Li is amazing!"
"Fast service, polite soldiers!"
"Will order again!"
One guy even waved a huge banner: Three-Time Sales Champion, Chang'an Region!
"Ma Shoucheng!" Li Jue sneered across the field, speaking into a giant megaphone. "You're nothing but a half-blood barbarian brat from a wild-ass delivery service! Don't even have a proper business license!"
Before he could finish, an arrow whizzed past his ear, slicing off a few precious hairs—and shredding his megaphone.
"Insult my father? That's a one-star review, punk!" Ma Chao charged like a thunderbolt—silver armor, white horse, glinting spear. "I'm Ma Chao, Diamond Knight of HungryHorse! I demand a five-star rating! I do NOT accept neutral reviews—and if you leave me a one-star, you'd better start running!"
Li Jue turned pale and shouted to his deputy, "Quick! Flood them with fake five-stars! Get our entire troll farm online!"
The two sides clashed at the banks of the Wei River.
Ma Chao activated his signature move—Lightning-Five-Lash Combo—and began piercing through the enemy lines. With each strike of his spear, he shouted, "FIVE STARS!" Soldiers fled in terror.
Pang De initiated Operation: On-Time Guaranteed. He led light cavalry behind enemy lines, set fire to Li Jue's supply depot, and even left a handwritten note:
"Dear Customer, your order has been delivered. Please rate five stars!"
Han Sui, not to be outdone, pulled his trump card:
"Back in my Luoyang Academy days…"
This tactic wasn't lethal, but the hypnotic effect was devastating—half of Li Jue's troops fell asleep listening to the nostalgic drivel.
At dusk, chaos engulfed the battlefield. In the mayhem, Ma Teng spotted one of Han Sui's officers, Yan Xing, raising a spear toward Ma Chao—clearly about to leave a bad review.
"LOOK OUT!" Ma Teng hurled his sword—its hilt smacked Yan Xing right between the eyes, sending stars flying. But in the same instant, a stray arrow pierced Ma Teng's right eye.
"AH! My colored lens! That was imported from Persia!"
Through blood-blurred vision, he looked up and saw Chang'an's city walls ablaze with torches. The gate captain, Song Yi, had betrayed Li Jue and unfurled a massive banner:
"WELCOME, XILIANG DELIVERY! 50% OFF GRAND OPENING!"
Act Three: Cao Cao's Avengers Initiative
Meanwhile, in Yu Province's Juancheng city, a solemn funeral was underway.
Cao Cao knelt before a sandalwood coffin, clutching a dish of red-braised pork—his father Cao Song's favorite.
"Father!" Cao Cao wailed, banging his head against the coffin. "You died too tragically! And you never told me your Alipay password! What about your limited edition figurines?!"
Xun Yu stepped forward with the imperial decree, only to find that Cao Cao had carved ten blood-red characters into the coffin lid with his fingernails:
"If this vengeance is not fulfilled, I am not a man."
He'd also drawn an angry emoji beside it.
Dian Wei, usually the quiet brute, howled to the sky, "TAO QIAN! YOU GET TEN THOUSAND ONE-STAR REVIEWS!"
The shockwave from his roar knocked water from the tent roof onto unsuspecting guards.
Xiahou Dun, with one eye moist, raised his spear: "Mengde, this time I'll make that old bastard Tao Qian understand what happens when you mess with Cao Family Express! He'll taste our 'Next-Day Delivery'—with no refunds!"
Next morning, the entire army suited up in funeral garb. Every soldier wore a white sash with the slogan:
"No Rest Until Vengeance—One-Star Shall Be Avenged!"
Someone even carried a placard: "Tao Qian, pay our blood-stained wages!"
Standing on the command platform, Cao Cao raised his voice:
"Brothers! Tao Qian didn't just kill my father. He stole his limited edition white jade thumb ring! Can we tolerate this?"
"NO!" the army roared.
"He left us a bad review! Said we're slow! Said our service sucks! CAN WE TOLERATE THIS?!"
"NOOOOOO!"
"Then what are you waiting for?!" Cao Cao drew his sword and pointed at Xu Province. "Set course for Xuzhou! Commence Operation Review Bombing!"
Act Four: Review Bombing of Xuzhou
When the Cao army reached Xu Province's borders, they found Tao Qian had pulled a dirty trick—flooding the fields by breaking the riverbanks.
Scouts rowed back on makeshift rafts:
"Report! The outskirts of Pengcheng are flooded…with corpses. Tao Qian is ruthless—he even sacrificed his own people!"
Cao Cao stood atop a watchtower, eyes narrowed.
"Tao Qian… you crafty old goat…"
Suddenly, he drew his sword and roared, "SLAUGHTER THE CITY! LEAVE NO FIVE-STAR BEHIND!"
Xiahou Yuan led the cavalry charge into Fuyang county, known for its exquisite embroidery. It instantly turned into a one-star disaster zone:
Seamstresses fled while stitching review banners—complaints in golden thread. Shopkeepers burned ledgers to hide fake orders. Innkeepers mass-posted one-star ratings, dragging Tao Qian's rating from 4.9 down to 2.1.
At the gates of Tancheng, Tao Qian stood defiant, watching the flood of Cao's forces.
"Cao Mengde! Your father—back in Luoyang—"
Thunk! An arrow pierced his throat mid-sentence.
His own advisor, Mi Zhu, had fired the shot. "Sorry, my lord. Your customer service… I just can't give you five stars."
He pulled out a document.
"My resignation letter. Been holding onto it for weeks."
Epilogue: The New Age of Warlord Delivery
On a rainy autumn night, Xun Yu sat in his tent, compiling war reports. His brush froze mid-stroke as the latest intel arrived: Lü Bu had ambushed Puyang!
At the same time, a secret letter arrived from Liu Bei—the so-called "royal relative" and former sandal weaver—now sheltering Tao Qian's remnants in Xu Province. He'd even launched a new business:
Liu's Handcrafted Sandals – Royal Quality, Artisan Craft.
Cao Cao read the letter and burst out laughing. Pushing aside stacks of paperwork, he unrolled a giant war map.
"Wenruo," he said to Xun Yu, "you know what makes this chaotic age beautiful?"
He pointed at Xu Province.
"There's always new delivery startups moving in."
He grabbed a chess piece and slammed it down.
"Lü Bu's got Yanzhou. Liu Bei's got Xuzhou. Excellent. Things are getting interesting."
In Xiapi, Liu Bei poured wine for Guan Yu, who suddenly frowned.
"Brother… do you smell that?"
Outside in the courtyard, a centuries-old osmanthus tree bloomed—blood-red flowers in the wrong season. A sign of coming fire, and the next big war in the Age of Delivery.