Once upon a time, it was told to both young and old, to both great and small, to both genius and nit-wit that it was a very, very bad and utterly, horribly, cliché idea to begin a story with 'once upon a time.'
"Once upon a time" would indicate that I was about to cosset you with a daughty, insouciant fairy tale of the likes that would have you frolicking in a field of ideals and dreams, merry laughter, romance and adventure. It would imply that I would have you sighing in the perpetual bliss of a heroic saga that will leave your mind in a state of literary euphoria.
Allow me to render that illusion asunder.
Stories and fables come in all forms and sizes and there are tales out there that begin with what is essentially the 'beginning'. They start as their adventurer or hero rises from the ashes of his demise like a phoenix – complete with dramatic effect and tension – or as they return from the dead because fate and destiny willed it to be so.
Then we have tales that begin with the 'middle'. They unravel the mystery of the adventurer's past – flashbacks included – and they follow his journey into the future, to fight, to conquer, to fail, to love, to win, to live and eventually, to die – unless of course we're dealing with an immortal hero, which opens its own can of problems.
And then, there are tales that begin at the end. The hero has all but accomplished his goals and desires, and he faces his final obstacle, and in his mind, he ponders, 'How did it all come to this?'
Here, we would find out, through his own thoughts – and using flashbacks, once more, really useful those things are - how he had mystically transformed from being the youngest of his family to becoming a warrior king who had slayed a giant, or maybe how had he changed from being a spoiled prince, to the leader of a rebellion for the freedom of his people.
And of course, as I had come to discover, there are tales that neither begin at the start, the middle, or the end. For they are still unfolding, still changing, they are twisting and forming in nature, and they do not possess the feature of 'chronology'.
For these tales, Time is powerless and feeble, and would best be ascribed to the metaphor of a grumpy petulant child who has to seat in the back because he didn't call shotgun.
These tales are often greater than legends, more supreme than kings, and far, far superior to that of gods.
These are tales so rare, that to find them is a blessing, to unfold them, a miracle, but to be in them?
An act of divine providence.
Is my tale one of such?
Hell-fucking-No.
I died.
Of such fact I was certain, death was finality, it was the mysterious question that seemed to serve as the final stage of one's life. It was your last act, your coup de grace, your moment of reckoning. Whether you died with a smile on your face after accomplishing your hearts desires, with frightened eyes as you realize you never expected it coming, with a horrifying expression as you endured torture in your final moments – it mattered not. Death did not discriminate. Death did not pity. Death did not spare. Death did not care.
I knew I should be worried.
I knew that I should have been insane, or maybe, I should have been screaming up to the heavens at the impossibility of it all. Perhaps, I should have at least gave it some thought, questioned whether or not this was divine will, providence, or it was supposed to be some form of karmic joke.
I had died, curious thing it was dying, and the manner in which I had met my unfortunate peril is not one that is suitable for children or sensitive ears. Still, I had died, I was sure of it. Yet, after the sensation of death, the unspeakable darkness and warmth, the feeling of being squeezed through a dark, hot tube –
I found the light.
"Welcome to the Reincarnation World System!"
It was not the type of light I was expecting.
Here I was, sitting on a chair, in a large vast space of whiteness, as far as I could see, and in front of me, was a man wearing fancy-pancy robes that looked like something in the trash can of a Shakespearean movie set.
"What."
The fashion abomination moved up to me with a large smile
.
"You died."
I rolled my eyes. "No shit. Any other obvious statements you want to make before explaining who you are?"
The man seemed to blink in confusion at my words. "Strange. Most of you mortals would be screaming and yelling as to how it was impossible. I was expecting some drama, some shock, maybe a little bit of fear and apprehension."
"I'm feeling slightly bored. Does that help?"
He grinned at me. "Ooh, we've got a snarky one here."
I waved my hand. "Can you just get to the part where I meet up with Lucifer and stuff? Or is listening to you for all infinity supposed to be my version of hell? If it is, then fuck, God is a savage."
"Oh?" The man gave me a weird smile "So you believed you were destined for hell?"
"No, if anything, I believe hell was destined for me."
The man seemed to smile even further. "Well, if you're lucky, you'll get to do see it!"
My eyes narrowed at the suspicious man. So far, he seemed far too upbeat for my liking, and either he was retarded, or there was something else up.
"So… considering I'm not already feeling toasty, are we doing this Konosuba style or Death Parade style?"
A giant, and by Marilyn Monroe's sexy ass I meant giant, spinning wheel appeared, dropping down in front of me with a gust of wind that actually made me take a few steps back.
"Huh. I guess it's Death Parade style then."
The man, who was probably some cosmic or divine deity that was out of my paygrade, but most likely had superior officers higher in the scheme of things, then gestured to the wheel, which, as my eyes could now see, possessed thousands of different options on it.
"Your fate is literally in your own hands as you spin the Wheel of the Afterlife! Will you get lucky and land on Nirvana? Or will you strike out and find yourself best buddies with Hades in the Realm of the Dead? Or, will you hit the numerous options for reincarnation, to return to your own world as a cockroach, or perhaps, end up in an entirely new one with an entirely new life!"
I gave the man a bland look.
"Did your higher ups also ask you to organize this thing like a retarded game show host?"
His smile dropped. "It makes things more interesting."
I snorted. My eyes flickered back to the giant board, wherein I realized that there were indeed several options I could land on, depending on how the wheel spun, and ultimately, I shrugged. Worst case scenario, I was sent back as a mosquito and I killed dozens of innocents in Africa. Still a win-win situation.
With a heavy heave, I moved to the side of the thing, and I rolled it.
"Oh, here it goes! Oh, just passed becoming Cthulu's fucktoy – that was a lucky one. And yikes, you got around reincarnation as a magical girl in a hentai universe. That one is usually a crowd favorite! And… Oh! Just passed Heaven and hell! Go straight to jail, do not pass go! Oh the wheel is slowing down, and – and – and –"
Eventually, tentatively, the wheel came to a stop.
Reincarnated as The Gamer in A Fictional Universe.
"Hehehe… hahahahahahahaha!"
I couldn't help it, my lungs burned heavily as the only thing I could do upon seeing what was my punishment, my fate, was to burst out laughing like a maniac. and it was this! Oh, fuck, it was too funny to even put into words.
"Oh, my, did you think that was going to be all? You still have to spin the wheel to decide just what universe you'll be entering."
"I don't care."
The man stopped to stare at me like I had gone insane.
Indeed, with the wild grin I had on my face, with how my teeth probably showed, anyone would believe that I had gone insane.
"It doesn't matter what universe. Be it Dark Souls or Dragon Ball or fucking Tom and Jerry – I don't care. Just spin the wheel yourself and tell me how it goes."
The sound of the familiar spinning reached my ears as my eyes were closed and my hands were placed confidently behind my head.
"Naruto."
If possible, my grin grew even wider.
"I once drew some comics with Sakura and Ino as futas… interesting."
It was at this point, that the man who had previously been smiling, had started staring at me oddly, strangely, and my grin grew even wider at the level of discomfort he was showing.
"You – you're –"
"A genuine psychopath with little to no concept of human decency and morality? Yes."
The man turned white.
"And you just gave me one of the most powerful and versatile abilities in the world, and you're sending me to a universe where I know everyone there is nothing more than the results of a Japanese man's imagination. They may think and act and feel like they're sentient, but they're not… not really. To me? They might as well be a KFC value meal."
I leaned back, stretching and yawning.
"Well? What are we waiting for? Let's get this reincarnation show on the road, nin nin."