Rei was running.
Why?
Because Seraphina decided that their "post-vow hot spring bonding" would involve handcuffs.
And by the gods, they weren't metaphorical.
"I only wanted to soak!" he screamed as he sprinted down the hallway, a fluffy bathrobe flapping wildly behind him. "Is that a crime?!"
From behind him, Seraphina glided with uncanny speed, dressed in a silk kimono embroidered with hearts and tiny knives. Her expression? That dreamy, serene smile she wore whenever bloodshed or eternal love was imminent.
"Rei~ don't run~ It's our honeymoon trial quest!"
"Honeymoon what?!"
"Trial! You survive one night cuddling with me in a hot spring without escaping or dying from embarrassment! Success earns a special bonding title~"
"What happens if I fail?!"
"You get married anyway, of course. This is just foreplay."
He bolted into a random room, slammed the door, and threw himself against it. His heart pounded. The sound of her kimono rustling outside made him sweat harder than any sauna.
"I have twenty hours left on my peace treaty," he gasped. "Twenty hours of truce. This is harassment!"
System Notification:
Peace Treaty Enforcement: ACTIVE
Current Violation: Mild Cuddling Suggestion
Severity: 1/10
System Ruling: Not technically a violation. Enjoy the affection, mortal.
Rei flipped off the system window. "I hope you choke on your sarcasm."
Suddenly, the room grew darker.
The air shimmered.
The temperature dropped precisely three degrees.
A crack opened in midair like a bad PowerPoint transition, and from it stepped a woman who looked like she belonged in both a divine cathedral and a late-night comedy show.
Eris. Goddess of Love, Chaos, and Spiteful Inconvenience.
"Yo," she said, materializing on top of the desk with a can of soda in one hand and a giant tub of popcorn in the other. "About time I showed up. You were really milking that 'I'm being chased by love' angle."
Rei groaned. "No. No god today. I just survived a vow ceremony. Can't I have five minutes of peace without divine trolling?"
"Absolutely not," she said cheerfully. "Also, I brought snacks."
She tossed him the popcorn bucket. He caught it instinctively.
It was already half-eaten.
"There were five kernels left in this," he muttered.
"I got bored during the chase scene," she said, leaning back with casual divinity. "So! Today's lesson: Romance Survival 101. Sponsored by me, because clearly you're flunking."
"I didn't ask for a lesson."
"Which is exactly why you need one."
With a dramatic wave, she conjured a glowing flowchart out of pink smoke.
It floated in the air between them, adorned with glittery hearts and passive-aggressive doodles.
At the top: "HOW TO SURVIVE A YANDERE ROMANCE"
Rei leaned in cautiously.
It had exactly one branch.
Submit → Accept Love → "Die (Together)"
"…That's not a flowchart," he said flatly. "That's a threat drawn with crayons."
"Art is subjective."
"I want a refund."
"You didn't pay."
"Then I want emotional damages."
She smirked and tapped the chart. It made a chiming sound and unfolded into a second panel labeled "Common Survival Tactics: FAILURES."
Underneath it were poorly drawn stick figures representing Rei being stabbed, drowned, burned, and devoured by affection.
Each one was labeled things like "Tried to Escape," "Looked at Another Girl," "Said 'Let's Just Be Friends,'" and "Said 'No' to a Blood Pact."
"I feel attacked," Rei muttered.
"You should," Eris chirped. "You're statistically the most failure-prone harem protagonist I've ever reincarnated."
"I didn't ask for the harem!"
"And yet, here we are. With six yanderes, a blood oath, a cursed ring, and a dragon girl who wants to lick your soul."
Rei flopped into a chair, exhausted. "Please tell me you came here to help. For once. Just one useful divine intervention."
"I'm here to offer emotional clarity," she said, conjuring a chalkboard titled "Rei's Romantic Options."
Beneath it, six columns appeared with names:
1. Seraphina: Status — Soul-Bound, Armed, Smiling
2. Lilia: Status — Wedding Rehearsed, Dress Ready, Knife Polished
3. Drakana: Status — Dragon Heat Rising
4. Rosette: Status — Missing in Action, Probably Watching
5. Faye: Status — Cursed, Singing Love Ballads from the Roof
6. The Demon Queen (??): Status — Engaged by Accident
Rei stared at the board. "Why is there a question mark next to the Demon Queen?"
"Because even I don't know how that plot thread's going to resolve. Honestly, I think she's still waiting at the edge of reality for your wedding RSVP."
"I didn't RSVP!"
"Your sneeze counted as consent, remember?"
"Then I want a magical antihistamine."
"Denied."
Rei rubbed his temples. "Okay, so what's the actual point of this visit?"
Eris leaned forward, voice dropping into mock-seriousness. "You are failing as a romantic lead, Rei. This arc was supposed to be 'Yandere Awakening,' not 'Main Character Nervous Breakdown.' You need to start making moves."
"Moves? These girls make *moves*. I just dodge them."
"That's your problem," she said, conjuring another system screen.
System Tutorial Pop-Up:
"You're in a romantic comedy action novel, idiot."
Tips for Success:
→ Hug someone without screaming
→ Choose a fiancée
→ Stop hiding under tables during dinner
→ Embrace the chaos
→ Maybe flirt?
Rei read the list, then looked up at Eris. "Did you write this?"
"I edited it for tone."
He read the last tip again: "Maybe flirt?"
In small print below it: "Or die single, then die again when one of them resurrects you out of spite."
"I'm going to vomit."
"You're going to survive," she said, "by following my advice."
She snapped her fingers and conjured a neon-pink textbook labeled "Surviving Yandere Love: A Goddess's Guide (Now With Diagrams)."
Rei flipped it open.
Page One:
"Step 1: Accept You Are Loved. (Yes, Even If It's Terrifying.)"
"I hate this book," he muttered.
"Good. That means it's working."
She grinned, then leaned closer. "Now, let's prepare for your next romantic encounter. You'll be alone in approximately three minutes before the next girl finds you."
"How do you know that?"
"Because Rosette's been hiding under your bed for an hour."
"…WHAT?!"
A soft voice came from under the mattress. "Apologies, my lord. I wanted to observe your emotional state privately."
Rei dropped the popcorn in horror.
"Rosette, this is the guest room!"
"I relocated when your bathwater temperature changed. You seemed distressed."
Eris sipped her soda. "Told you. Three minutes."
Rei turned to her, desperate. "Can't you teleport me to another dimension?"
"I could," she said, "but then the Demon Queen might get a head start."
He slumped. "So, what am I supposed to do?"
"Be honest. Be kind. Be a little bold. And if all else fails—"
She handed him a pink card. It said "Emergency Goddess Summon: Valid Once Per Heartbreak."
"…Only once?"
"Oh, yes. And it triggers a divine musical number."
"I'd rather die."
"You will," she said cheerfully, "but it'll be funny."
As Rosette crawled out from beneath the bed with a soft smile and an array of concealed daggers, Rei clutched the book, the card, and what little remained of his sanity.
This was his life now.
Popcorn, stalking, romantic flowcharts, and goddess-sponsored misery.
And maybe—just maybe—a way to survive it.
To be continued…