I have been attracted to you from the moment we first met. Spent all this time trying to fight the feelings because I knew you "wasn't with that gay shit," but no matter how hard I tried I haven't been able to get rid of these feelings. Despite knowing you aren't interested, I'm still unable to let go of these feelings for you, and throughout the time we've spent together, these feelings only grew stronger. Regardless of how upset I get with you, I can let it all go because I know it's only because you were ignorant on the matter, or just being stubborn and refusing to listen. Even though I know nothing will come from this, these feelings still have yet to disappear and I'm not sure what I can do to help expedite this process. Instead of falling for you further, I'm trying to erase these feelings so that they don't interfere with our friendship. Although I've never expressed these feelings for you outright, I've hinted at the possibility around you just to gauge your thoughts on the matter. Like I was hoping that although I knew you weren't interested in me, maybe there was a possibility that you could've been gay and I just read the situation wrong. Regardless of the outcome I still would've felt some type of way because at the end of the day, you still weren't interested in me. I mean it would've been nice to have another friend I could talk to about guys, but it's another story when it's a friend I have feelings for that's just not into me. I can't necessarily be open with you about who I want to talk to aside from you, and I can't talk about what I want to do with them, because it all could've applied to you had you been interested. We don't have to worry about that though because it's becoming clearer by the day that you just don't fuck with me the same way as everyone else. It's like the minute I started feeling closer to you, you immediately found a way to create distance between us. It went from us being able to communicate without issue, to always having some type of communication problem, whether it was you not saying anything to me, or me not saying anything to you. I keep trying to figure out where things went wrong, but as far as I can see, there's no indication of anything happening to initiate this change in behavior. It's like you got into your head about some things and made changes based off of that, but you didn't discuss anything with me so I'm just left in the dark wondering how things went wrong. At least it still seems like we're friends though, I mean you still somewhat communicate with me, although it's not like it is with other people, at least it's something. I'm just trying not to do too much and hit you up constantly/repeatedly because I don't want to scare you off, or make you mad with all the unnecessary messages. It's like even though I know things won't go anywhere with us, I still want nothing more than your attention, and regardless of how small an effort I make to receive it, I'll take what I can get at the moment. I'm not sure if you notice how much your silence bothers me, or how upset I get when I see you communicating with other people while I'm still waiting on a response, but I've been trying to make those feelings known. I mean I haven't outright told you how I'm feeling (since you're straight, you don't necessarily care that I'm in my feelings from you not responding to me), I haven't been able to see about getting things to change between us, but I'm just not sure how to bring it up without making things awkward between us. I mean it's not exactly "normal" for us to talk about things like this when feelings aren't involved, however my feelings are involved, and that's why it's causing me so many problems. You just never seemed too inviting when it came to me needing someone to talk to, so I've never made an attempt to let you in, but I've always wanted to open up to you just to see how you felt about certain things. I was hoping that maybe if we talked more, you might feel comfortable talking more openly with me about things, and maybe we'd be able to develop the bond I can be content with aside from a relationship.
If I'm being honest, out of all the friends I've had, you're the only one I've been attracted to that I haven't been able to talk to. Like I don't make it a habit of telling straight people that I'm attracted to them, but if we're friends and things start to become too much for me, I always make it known that I'm keeping my distance because of these unwanted feelings. I mean I'd be cool with keeping the feelings if you were actually interested, but without you wanting anything more than a friendship with me, these feelings aren't needed. I'm trying to do what I think is the right thing in this scenario and lose my feelings while still trying to keep up this friendship appearance, but it's hard having these feelings and hanging out with you in certain situations. Like I can't handle being alone with you because then all I want is to hold you, or for you to have your way with me, but these aren't thoughts I need to be having when I'm with you since they won't do me any good then. It's been a struggle surviving all these years fighting my feelings for you, and realizing that my feelings for you cause me to miss out on certain things everyone else gets to experience with you without issue. Sometimes I hate that I fell for you, but you're just so adorable to me at times that I just can't help but to fall some more. It's like a "I hate that I love you" kind of situation, because I really hate how much I want you, but at the moment there's nothing I can do about it. Until I find somebody else to take my attention away from you, or until I find a way to erase these feelings, I'll have to remain at arms length from you, so we don't have any issues as a result of my feelings. I mean it's always happened in the past where me making my feelings known created a problem, and I don't want that to happen with us. I know that a relationship with me isn't what you're looking for so I didn't plan on expressing my feelings to you, but at the same time I still want to make them known. I'm trying my best not to lose this friendship over my unnecessary feelings, and I'm hoping I can keep quiet long enough so that it can be possible. I'm just hoping you stick with me through this journey, because although I want more, I'll appreciate it if I can at least keep the friend I made in you around…