I experienced discrimination when I was young because of my appearance. My sibling excelled at everything, while I simply wanted to live a normal life. Yet, I was dragged into their affairs. The expectations placed on me were to surpass what she had accomplished, making me believe I could do it—and expecting me to do it. Since I was being disregarded, I thought that if I earned acknowledgment, I would be accepted.
Unknowingly, I developed an inferiority complex. I always wanted to prove myself—no, I was desperately seeking acknowledgment. Regardless of what I accomplished, all I received was nothing. That longing was implanted deep inside my heart, and it became a sin I could never erase: pride.
Additionally, the isolation led to depression. One time, I got into a fight. I could have easily stabbed or killed them, but I held myself back. I didn't want to see it—the moment I imagined stabbing them to death, I saw my mother crying, asking herself what she had done wrong. It was painful. My heart broke, and before I knew it, I was shedding tears.
They misunderstood it. They took my tears as a sign of weakness. Although I wanted to make it clear that I didn't cry because of them—what could I do? I could only grit my teeth and endure. The feeling of hopelessness burst inside me, eating me alive.
When the news of the fight reached my parents, I hoped they would understand. But their reputation mattered more than my feelings, so I was discarded. I was punished as well.
They took advantage of me, knowing I could be easily bullied. Still, I couldn't do anything about it.
It affected my studies, and my grades fell, which only increased the mistreatment. I felt so lonely. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere.
I don't know what to do. My life is full of questions, and no one provides any answers. They just laugh—laughing at my supposed stupidity and reasoning.
I was only five. I didn't know any better. Was I supposed to think like an adult?
"If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it's stupid."
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry I was born.
I can only apologize and ask: Why?
I seek answers. I read books and watched movies. I searched for a reference—since no one was going to teach me anything, I decided to teach myself.
What should I do if I experience bullying?
What did the movies show? There were only two answers: fight or do nothing. You can also ask for help, but I was turned down. Knowing that fighting wasn't an option, I chose to do nothing.
I felt out of place, so I sought refuge. At school, at home—I didn't feel like going to either. I felt so lonely. I didn't know how to get rid of it, so I watched movies, looked for answers, and discovered that happiness is everywhere. The news said online games could help with depression. I didn't know any better, but I searched for an internet café. Everyone there was having fun. Although I was a complete stranger, I received a warm welcome.
I don't know why, but I felt happy—even though I didn't know how to play games, the sadness in my heart disappeared whenever I played.
Unknowingly, I became addicted. And little did I know—it was the beginning of my downfall.