"I love you."
Why? Is this man serious?
A coworker of mine invited me onto his office, professing his love on a place where no one else would hear his words. Somehow, instead of feeling elated, I felt dismayed.
Love? I should be happy. I should be honored. Jiahao's a good man, everyone's head over heels for him. He's the one with the highest authority in our department, he's handsome, and he's soft-spoken. To see him all flustered like that, his hands shaking because he had just confessed his love— I should feel something. Right? ...Right?
What is wrong with me?
I stand there frozen, completely still— with a neutral expression. Jiahao stares at me nervously, with sweat trickling down his face. I bet he thinks he's messed up. I'm sure he's on edge right now.
"Jiahao." I call out his name. He flinches at my voice.
"Yes?" His voice cracks.
"...I'd be honored." I say reluctantly.
His face lit up with joy, he was delighted. He steps closer towards me, and bows his head down.
"I will do my best!" Jiahao exclaims with an earnest voice.
Ah. I messed up again. I'm seriously hopeless... Aren't I?
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10 years ago
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On a cold night during a school field trip, me and my classmates all huddled up together in a circle— sitting down with blankets wrapped around our bodies like we're little dumplings.
"Truth or dare, Fei?" A classmate asks.
"Truth." I reply unenthusiastically.
"How many people have you had a crush on?" They all look at me with a smirk, with Xinyi at my side laughing at how unimpressed I look by the question.
"Aren't we all a little too young for that?" I question them with a judgemental face.
"Huh? What do you mean! All of us have had at least one crush before."
"Yeh! So don't hide it~ It's obvious you'd have one!" They deny my question, but I'm still confused.
At least one? Huh.
"I guess... 3?" I say a random number to make them satisfied.
"Who is it!!" They say with great interest. Urging me to spill the beans. "Is one of them in the class?" Another classmate asks with an enormous curiosity.
"Uhm... Yeh?" I start to fidget with my fingers, just trying to think of a way to get me out of this situation.
They're all so interested for some odd reason. I just don't get why they'd be so infatuated by these things.
"Who?!"
"Yeh tell us!"
They start to thirst for more answers. Xinyi sees that I've turned uncomfortable, and sighs.
"Guys, stop teasing her. You're gonna make her cry."
"Huh? I'm not going to cry."
The other girls boo in this protective display, but they obey Xinyi without a second thought.
"Fine... But we'll definitely pry it out of her eventually!" One of them mischievously declares.
A few weeks pass after that night, and rumors start going around the class.
"Hey... I heard Fei has a crush on somebody in our class." It's that same girl who played with us that night, spreading unnecessary rumors just to keep her day even a little more interesting.
"Eh...? Seriously? That gloomy girl? Talk about being unlucky. I bet she likes Chen."
"I have that gut feeling too! He's such a hunk!"
I overhear this conversation right when I was about to go inside the classroom. However, I didn't do anything to tell them off as I thought such frivolous gossip would die down eventually.
But not even a few days after that, Chen invites me in a secluded area at the back of our school building.
"Hey, I heard you had a crush on me?" He says with a wide and proud smirk. I freeze in place, not really knowing how to respond. After a few moments of awkward silence, he slowly lowers his head to look at my tense expression a bit more. Shivers go down my spine as he slowly puts his fingers on my chin, trying to get me to look at him.
"You're actually kind of cute. Do you want to start going out?" Chen says with a condescending tone. He creeped me out, but at the same time if I backed out I felt like something bad will happen.
"You're so flustered you can't even talk? Is that how much you like me?" He lets go of my chin and starts to laugh loudly.
"I'm so flattered! I've never met a girl as head over heels for me as you are!" Chen says with a ridiculously unabashed and overconfident smirk.
How the hell did he even get to that conclusion? He didn't even give me the chance to respond. But before I could defend myself, he puts a finger on top of my mouth— as if telling me to shut up. I haven't even muttered a single word yet.
"You'll start going on dates with me from now on!"
Because of that, I was forced to spend my hours after school with Chen. He was obnoxiously talkative, and it drained the life out of me. I expressed that I'm uninterested through my actions, not replying to him during our conversations and mostly just spacing out.
"You're a good listener, aren't you?" He praises me with a smug look. "But you're so... Bland." He adds, then exhales in disappointment.
"We should break up." Chen looks at me with a semblance of disgust.
Finally. Finally I can be free from this guy. I nod politely, and a hint of a smile is poking through my face. Though because Chen is so absorbed with himself, he doesn't even notice the slight change.
"Alright." I reply in a monotone— almost emotionless voice. He starts to walk away, leaving me behind in the restaurant. However, at least he was nice enough in the end to pay for his half of the bill.
The next day during lunch break, Xinyi storms into my seat, grabbing me by the arm then dragging me out of the classroom. She makes me sit down on the school courtyard, behind a huge tree where no one would see us both.
"Are you alright?!" She asks with great concern. "I heard Chen broke up with you. Are you hurt? How do you feel?"
She's always been like this. Putting my well-being first and foremost no matter the circumstance. I find it endearing, really. She's the best friend I could ever have.
When she sat down in front of me, looking at me with those uneasy eyes, I just couldn't help but laugh.
"Hey! This is no laughing matter! Was your heart broken so much that you've gone crazy?!" Xinyi says as she starts shaking my shoulders, trying to get me to snap out of it.
"You're so silly sometimes, Xinyi." I say with an amused grin.
"Huh?! What do you mean...??"
"I'm fine. I was never interested in Chen anyway. I was kinda just forced into it."
Suddenly, she stands up, with her fists clenched.
"Forced...? He forced you?"
Uwah... She's angry. I quickly grab her arms, trying to get her to sit back down again.
"No-no! Stop!" I start to laugh uncontrollably. "It's not that serious." I add.
"Not that serious my ass! Did he coerce you??! Did he threaten you?!! What the heck did he do to you? Did he touch you?? Did he-"
I quickly try to shut her up, cutting her off. "Stop-stop! He didn't do anything bad. I think it was my fault that I didn't make it clear from the start I wasn't interested."
"...Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Really, really sure?"
"Yes...! Oh my gosh." I chuckle.
She sighs in relief, finally calming down.
"Listen, I'm always here alright? No matter what. Just come to me if you ever need anything!"
"Mhm. I will." I nod.