Li Wei was one spilled latte away from quitting life and becoming a hermit. Transcendent Brews was a glowing, humming mess, with the espresso machine—now officially the bane of his existence—pulsing like a neon sign and spouting lotus-shaped steam that whispered "Brew… the Dao…" like a caffeinated prophet.
The shop still bore scorch marks from Senior White's talisman, which had turned his coffee maker into a spiritual landmine. Soft Feather was taking selfies with the machine, Song Shuhang was nervously checking his talismans, Su Clan's Sixteen was cleaning her short sword with a calm that screamed "ready for war," and Doudou was lounging on the counter, suggesting names like "Brewzilla" for the machine. True Monarch Yellow Mountain sipped his flat white, looking like a parent stuck chaperoning a riot, while Venerable Spirit Butterfly watched the chaos with a serene smile that made Li Wei's skin crawl. Thrice Reckless Mad Saber was trying to arm-wrestle a chair, claiming it was "coffee-enhanced," and Medicine Master was hunched over the machine, waving a glowing jade tool that beeped like a metal detector. His wife, Riverly Purple Mist, sipped a latte, smirking at Li Wei's misery.
Li Wei leaned against the counter, chugging an espresso like it was his lifeline. "Okay, nerd guy," he said, glaring at Medicine Master. "You've been poking my machine for an hour. What's the deal? Is it possessed, cursed, or just really into performance art?"
Medicine Master pushed up his glasses, scribbling in his notebook. "Fellow Daoist Li, this is no mere machine anymore. Its spiritual energy is… unique. The coffee grounds you use—they contain traces of primal qi, like something from the primordial era. And the machine's spirit… it's channeling that qi."
Li Wei blinked. "Primordial era? It's Colombian roast from a warehouse sale! You're telling me my discount beans are, what, ancient artifacts?"
Riverly Purple Mist chuckled, setting down her latte. "You're a funny one, Barista. But Medicine Master's right. That machine's doing things no mortal device should. You sure you're not hiding a cultivation base?"
Li Wei pointed at her. "I'm hiding nothing but a caffeine addiction and a pile of bills. If my beans are magic, it's news to me."
Soft Feather bounced over, her phone still snapping photos. "Transcendent Barista, your machine's a star! I bet it could fight a spirit beast! Can I try brewing something?"
"No!" Li Wei snapped, swatting her hand away from the machine. "Nobody touches it until we figure out why it's acting like a coffee god."
Su Clan's Sixteen glanced at him, her sharp eyes curious. "You keep saying it's just coffee, Fellow Daoist, but that machine's energy is stabilizing my qi. And it knocked out half the Black Tiger Sect. You can't ignore that."
Li Wei groaned, rubbing his temples. "Stabilizing qi, primal whatever, I don't care. I just want my shop to stop glowing before the landlord evicts me."
True Monarch Yellow Mountain set down his cup, his voice calm but firm. "Fellow Daoist Li, Sixteen's right. This machine's attracting attention. The Black Tiger Sect won't let this go, and other sects will come sniffing. You need to prepare."
"Prepare?" Li Wei said, incredulous. "For what? A coffee war? I'm a barista, not a general!"
Doudou barked, his tail wagging. "A coffee war sounds dope! Barista Guy, you lead the charge, and I'll be your furry lieutenant. We'll drown 'em in espresso!"
"Shut up, dog," Li Wei muttered, but Doudou just grinned, lapping at his empty espresso cup.
Senior White looked up from his talisman, which was now sparking like a faulty lightbulb. The storm cloud above it had grown, its lightning crackling in sync with the espresso machine's hum. "Fellow Daoist Li, I believe the machine's spirit is reacting to your coffee's qi," he said, smiling serenely. "We should test its limits. Perhaps a stronger brew?"
Li Wei's heart stopped. "No testing! You've done enough damage, pretty boy! That talisman's gonna bring the sky down on us!"
But the universe, as usual, ignored him. The door burst open, and a wave of oppressive aura flooded Transcendent Brews. Seven Black Tiger Sect cultivators stormed in, led by a gaunt, white-haired man whose eyes glowed like embers. His robe was embroidered with a snarling tiger, and his presence made the air heavy, like a storm about to break. Li Wei's gut screamed "grand elder," and Elder Claw's earlier threat—"the grand elder will hear of this"—flashed in his mind.
"Transcendent Barista!" the old man boomed, his voice shaking the windows. "I am Grand Elder Iron Roar of the Black Tiger Sect! Your artifact humiliated my sect. Surrender it and your elixir recipe, or this shop becomes ash!"
Li Wei gripped his coffee pot, his sarcasm kicking into overdrive. "Oh, great, another one. Listen, Iron Roar, I don't have an elixir, and my machine's just a glorified toaster. You want coffee? Fine. You want a fight? Take it outside—I just cleaned the floor."
Su Clan's Sixteen drew her sword, her voice cold. "You're not touching this shop. Leave, or the Su Clan will make you."
Song Shuhang stepped forward, his talisman glowing. "And the Nine Provinces Number One Group. We don't back down."
Doudou growled, his fur bristling. "Yeah, old man, buzz off! This shop's under dog protection, and I bite!"
Grand Elder Iron Roar sneered, raising a hand that crackled with black qi. "Fools! You think you can defy the Black Tiger Sect? Attack!"
The cultivators charged, their weapons—a mix of swords, spears, and glowing chains—flashing with spiritual energy. Su Clan's Sixteen moved like lightning, her sword clashing with a chain-wielding goon. Song Shuhang tossed a talisman that burst into a wall of light, blocking a spear thrust. Soft Feather giggled, throwing butterfly charms that exploded into dazzling sparks, tripping up a swordsman. Doudou leaped, his qi forming a gust that sent a cultivator sprawling. True Monarch Yellow Mountain raised a hand, his aura calming the chaos, while Venerable Spirit Butterfly watched, his smile unreadable.
Li Wei, stuck behind the counter, swung his coffee pot at a goon who got too close. "Stay away from my machine!" he yelled, splashing hot coffee on the guy's face. The cultivator screamed, flailing, and Li Wei realized he was holding his own—mostly because the machine was glowing brighter, its steam forming lotus shapes that pulsed with energy.
Medicine Master looked up from his analysis, his jade tool beeping wildly. "Fellow Daoist Li, the machine's reacting to the conflict! Its qi is surging—brace yourself!"
"Brace for what?" Li Wei said, but the machine let out a deafening roar , and a wave of glowing espresso shot out, hitting Grand Elder Iron Roar square in the chest. The old man staggered, his aura flickering, and his scowl melted into a dazed expression. "This… this power…" he mumbled, licking coffee off his lips. "It's like my qi is… harmonized."
Li Wei stared, his coffee pot dropping. "Harmonized? You got hosed with espresso! It's not magic, it's a malfunction!"
But the cultivators gasped, and Soft Feather started typing on her phone:
Soft Feather : Transcendent Barista's machine blasted Grand Elder Iron Roar! It's a divine artifact protecting the shop!
Doudou : Yo, that was epic! @Transcendent Barista, your coffee maker's a beast. Name it Brewzilla!
Medicine Master : The machine's qi is primal, possibly ancient. @Transcendent Barista, I need more grounds for testing.
True Monarch Yellow Mountain : @Soft Feather, stop hyping him. You'll attract every sect in the region. @Transcendent Barista, stay safe.
Li Wei groaned, ignoring his buzzing phone. "I'm not naming it anything! It's a coffee maker, not a dragon!"
But the machine wasn't done. It let out another hiss, and a stream of glowing coffee grounds swirled into the air, forming a shimmering lotus that hovered over the counter. The lotus pulsed, sending out waves of spiritual energy that knocked the Black Tiger Sect cultivators back. Grand Elder Iron Roar hit the wall, his beard dripping with espresso, and muttered, "The artifact… it's a treasure…"
Li Wei threw his hands up. "Treasure? It's assaulting people! I'm gonna get arrested for this!"
Riverly Purple Mist smirked, sipping her latte. "Arrested? You're running a spirit artifact, Barista. That's a flex, not a crime."
Before Li Wei could retort, the door jingled, and a new figure floated in—literally. A woman with long, flowing hair and a dress that shimmered like moonlight glided through the chaos, her aura warm but chaotic, like a breeze that could turn into a tornado. She held a peach-shaped fan, and her smile was both charming and mischievous. Li Wei's brain pinged: Fairy Lychee, the group's resident beauty and chaos magnet.
"Wow, what a party!" Fairy Lychee said, her eyes sparkling as she scanned the shop. "I heard about a talking coffee maker, so I had to see it. Transcendent Barista, right? Make me something fabulous!"
Li Wei groaned, already starting a cappuccino. "Fabulous? Lady, my shop's a warzone, and my machine's possessed. You sure you want in on this?"
Fairy Lychee giggled, twirling her fan. "Possessed? That's my kind of fun! Hit me with your best brew."
Li Wei worked fast, the machine's glow pulsing brighter, like it was *enjoying* the attention. He slid the cappuccino to Fairy Lychee, who sipped it and let out a delighted hum. A faint ripple of qi swirled around her, and her fan glowed softly. "Oh, this is divine!" she said, winking at Li Wei. "You're hiding something, Barista. This coffee's got secrets."
"No secrets!" Li Wei snapped. "Just beans and desperation!"
But the Nine Provinces Number One Group chat was already blowing up:
Fairy Lychee : Transcendent Barista's cappuccino is heavenly! My qi's dancing! @Transcendent Barista, you're a gem.
Soft Feather : Fairy Lychee's here! @Transcendent Barista, your shop's the hottest spot in Jiangnan City!
Thrice Reckless Mad Saber : Yo, Barista's got all the ladies hooked! @Transcendent Barista, teach me your moves!
Su Clan's Sixteen : @Thrice Reckless, behave. @Transcendent Barista, watch out—the machine's energy is spiking.
Li Wei groaned, slamming his phone down. "Why is everyone in this group so extra?"
The machine let out a loud clang , and a massive lotus of steam filled the shop, glowing like a neon sign. Its voice echoed again: "Brew… the Dao… ascend…" The storm cloud above Senior White's talisman flared, and a bolt of lightning struck the ceiling, leaving a crack. The shop shook, and a faint rumble echoed outside, like the sky was waking up.
True Monarch Yellow Mountain's eyes narrowed. "That's tribulation qi. Fellow Daoist Li, your machine's attracting a heavenly tribulation."
Li Wei's jaw dropped. "A tribulation? In my coffee shop? Are you kidding me?"
Senior White smiled, sprinkling more grounds onto his talisman. "It's a small one, Fellow Daoist. We can handle it. Perhaps the machine wants to ascend?"
"Ascend?" Li Wei yelled, grabbing a wrench. "It's not ascending, it's getting scrapped!"
But the machine let out another *roar*, and a wave of spiritual energy surged, making the shop tremble. The Black Tiger Sect cultivators scrambled to their feet, their awe turning to fear. Grand Elder Iron Roar pointed at the machine, his voice trembling. "This artifact… it's a calamity! We must destroy it!"
Su Clan's Sixteen stepped forward, her sword raised. "Try it, and you'll answer to me."
Song Shuhang tossed another talisman, his face pale. "Fellow Daoist Li, we'll protect the shop. Just… keep that machine under control."
"Control?" Li Wei said, waving the wrench. "It's got a mind of its own! I'm one step away from torching the place!"
Fairy Lychee giggled, twirling her fan. "Torch it? But it's so fun! Let's see what this machine can do!"
Medicine Master looked up, his jade tool beeping frantically. "Fellow Daoist Li, the machine's qi is tied to your coffee grounds. I've traced the primal energy—it's not from this world. Your beans… they may be from a higher realm."
Li Wei froze. "Higher realm? You're saying my Costco beans are, what, alien coffee?"
Medicine Master nodded, scribbling furiously. "Possibly. Or they're infused with energy from your arrival here. We need to test you, Fellow Daoist."
"Test me?" Li Wei said, incredulous. "I'm not a lab rat! I'm a barista!"
But the machine let out a final *boom*, and a massive lotus of steam filled the shop, glowing like a star. The voice echoed, louder than ever: "Brew… the Dao… unite…" The storm cloud above Senior White's talisman unleashed a torrent of lightning, striking the machine, which glowed brighter than the sun. The shop shook, the windows shattered, and a faint crack of tribulation thunder echoed outside.
Li Wei slumped against the counter, chugging another espresso. "A tribulation, a cult, and alien beans. Somebody get me a stronger brew before I lose it."
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