There's a sacred rule in battle:
Never look down when your opponent says "your shoelaces are untied."
Even if your boots don't have laces.
Vex learned this the hard way.
That microsecond of confusion?
Enough.
I rolled sideways, let the pressure crack the ground instead of my spine, and summoned a soundwave uppercut so loud it played Careless Whisper in reverse.
HALF-DEAD STYLE #4: GUILTY GIGGLE SLAM
The punch hit Vex like a memory she didn't want to unpack.
Her body bent back at a 45° angle—anime whiplash style—and she skidded across the red gravity field, bouncing off a pile of decommissioned mechs like a pinball with unresolved trauma.
"I AM THE COMEDY!" I shouted, fully insane now.
"System Status: unstable. User is now operating on 63% madness."
I launched after her.
Gravity? Irrelevant. Pressure? Hilarious. Physics?
Optional.
My limbs moved like I'd injected espresso into my bloodstream.
Vex somersaulted back to her feet, her visor now fully shattered. Her face—stoic and furious. A weird combo. Like someone mad you didn't take their order, but also about to summon a singularity in your living room.
She reached behind her back and pulled out a compact staff.
With a flick, it extended to twice her height and bent space around it.
"You think this is a game?" she growled.
I grinned. "It's not?"
She spun the staff. The air hummed, then snapped. A ripple of compressed gravity shot toward me like a shotgun blast made of crushed planets.
I danced sideways, Core flaring.
"Half-Dead Style #5: Moonwalk of Misfortune!"
I moonwalked through the air.
Literally.
Shoes sparking against invisible panels of energy.
She blinked.
"He's walking on air."
"BACKWARDS."
"WHY?!"
I pointed finger guns at her and winked.
"Style points, baby."
That did it.
Vex snapped.
The staff slammed into the ground. A gravity well the size of a small moon erupted around her.
Metal spiraled inwards. I got pulled mid-pose, spinning like a blender of bad ideas.
CORE ALERT: CRITICAL DISTORTION FIELDIf exposed longer than 9 seconds, body mass will compress into a comedy neutron star.
"Great! Fantastic! How do I counter that?!"
"Stage Two." Half-Dead Laughter's voice had changed.
Deeper.
Sharper.
"Wait—what's Stage Two?!"
UNLOCKING: HALF-DEAD MODE – STAGE TWO: CHAOTIC FLUX
A shock tore through me. My vision split into four: one laughing, one screaming, one t-posing, one on fire.
The laughter won.
My Core glowed purple now—erratic, pulsing like a disco heart attack.
I dropped from the air like a bomb and hit the field with a seismic boing. Not "boom." Boing.
A rubber chicken materialized where I landed.
I held it up.
Vex narrowed her eyes. "...Is that a weapon?"
I nodded solemnly.
Then threw it.
It hit her forehead with a squeak.
Nothing happened.
Then everything happened.
The gravity field imploded.
Vex was yanked into the center by her own power, eyes wide with betrayal.
She spun uncontrollably, her control staff sucked into the void of her own making.
"YOU WEAPONIZED A RUBBER CHICKEN?!"
"I'm not even at my final joke yet."
The entire battlefield twisted into a kaleidoscope of floating debris, purple light, and shattered physics. I hovered upside down, arms crossed, cape I didn't have earlier now fluttering dramatically.
"Behold: Stage Two of the Half-Dead Laughter Core—where absurdity equals power."
CURRENT FORM: CHAOTIC FLUXReality Control: UnstableSense of Shame: NullifiedCooldown: LOL
Vex broke free of the collapsing gravity and landed hard.
She was bruised.
Breathing heavy.
But still grinning.
"You're insane," she spat.
I bowed mid-air. "Madness is just comedy you don't understand."
She pointed a trembling hand at me. "I was supposed to assassinate a threat to the system. A corrupted Core user with god-tier potential."
"Oh good," I said, "You found him."
Her grin cracked. "They never said you'd be this stupid."
"Plot twist, baby," I said, kicking a floating engine like a soccer ball.
It turned into a disco ball midair and exploded in glitter.
Vex took a single step toward me.
Her hand burned with raw gravity.
She wasn't giving up.
Neither was I.
We clashed in the center of the junkyard.
Fist met palm. Gravity met nonsense.
The sky fractured.
Stars flickered in and out of existence.
Time hiccuped.
A drone somewhere exploded just from the sheer stupidity of the energy output.
I smiled at her through the chaos.
"You ready for the punchline?" I said.
Her eyes widened. "No—WAIT—"
HALF-DEAD STYLE: FINAL MOVE – LAUGH APOCALYPSE
Everything turned white.
Then black.
Then a giant emoji face of laughing agony appeared in the sky and swallowed the battlefield.
When it faded… I was lying in a crater.
Covered in confetti.
My arms and legs twitched.
Vex was embedded in a wall of twisted steel, smoldering slightly.
The fight was over.
We had survived each other.
Barely.
Victory Condition: AchievedMission Objective: UnknownHalf-Dead Core: Cooling DownKaz: Still Not Funny
I sat up and blinked at the sky.
"...Did I just win with comedy?"
"Yes," Half-Dead Laughter said, exhausted.
"And now everyone who saw that will never take reality seriously again."
"…Good."