When I got home, I dumped my loot in a pile and decided to change my clothes. The good thing about killing vampires was that they were convenient, because usually you had to deal with blood on your clothes, bodies, evidence, and a little bit of ashes that could be passed off as dandruff and a couple of cuts. I was able to walk down the street in peace and even, given the strange looks I was getting, no one called the police.
After changing my clothes and taking another sip of this drink, I decided to contact Gambit - he sure knows how to have fun. When I got through, I found out that he was in an underground casino and after getting the address, I was there in 7 minutes. I don't know how long he's been playing, but the mountain of chips on his side told quite eloquently about his luck today. What I don't get is this: if he's making that kind of money in the casino, why is he risking his hide on missions? Strangely enough, I found out the answer after a few minutes: a guard came up to him and asked him to step aside to talk. I, as a team player, started pouring his chips into a bag and under the stunned looks of the guards, who were about to rush towards me, went into the same room where Remy had been taken a minute earlier. I found two of the guards already knocked out, a strange aquarium with a lot of blood in it, and their boss, who was shaking with fear in his shimmering clothes. Leaving through the back door we had so kindly been informed of, I learnt that he had charged his clothes and told him that if he didn't cooperate it would detonate. Having, of course, performed a colourful demonstration on the fish in the aquarium before doing so.
Then we went to a bar and he had a nice bottle of whiskey, and seeing that I mostly only drink my own, he begged me to give him a taste. After a couple more sips I agreed and poured him two shots. Then Gambit had a great idea how we could raise some money, since the casino was such a bummer and we wouldn't be exchanging chips in the next few days.
In the casino he picked up a girl, who after a couple of drinks started telling him about her job and that she had some very cool and, most importantly, expensive project. He didn't really listen, but he remembered the name of the company and we could steal it. This idea seemed brilliant to me at once, and I was in favour of it.
After taking a taxi, we picked up our new masks and headed to the company's building. When we got there, we saw the giant letters "Life Foundation" - they must be saving forests or inventing alternative power sources, otherwise it's not clear why the name is so pompous. After knocking down the cameras, Remy and I sneaked in through the first floor windows. Not finding the guards who had fled at the noise, we went to find the secret laboratory that stored our future riches, and to avoid distractions during the mission, I decided to finish the bottle. Especially since it was already half empty. And then...
***Sunny morning in some motel***
My head hurt so badly it felt like my brain had become stuffy and decided to go outside for some air, and this nasty skull and skin was in the way. Reaching for the water bottle that was so conveniently on the nightstand next to the bed, I decided to find out where I was and what had happened last night. Blimey, I remember the club with the vampires, then I went to Remy's andeeee... Blank... Okay. Maybe I can find some clues in the room. Looking around, I realised I was covered in some kind of flour stuck on top of the orange paint. Are you sure it's flour?
«I wish it were flour, wish it were flour, wish it were flour," I repeated, sniffing. But my hopes were not fulfilled. I was completely covered in cocaine! And there were several open wrappers of cocaine residue lying around the bed. Awesome! What did we do last night?! Deciding to search the room for clues, I found a cupboard full of wrappers. While puzzling over how we got it all, I heard a news anchor on TV:
«"Yesterday, two unidentified men broke into the Foundation for Life building and stole test animals from a project to increase intellectual boundaries in monkeys. They later broke into the city's zoo and unleashed terror there, setting some of the animals free. The police, who arrived to stop the criminals, were attacked by chimpanzees stolen from the Life Foundation. The animals were drugged and given assault rifles. Being under fire, the police were helpless and some of the zoo animals managed to escape, they are still being caught. The suspects have not yet been located.
«Moving on to other news. Last night, the leader of the Eastern Jackals drug cartel was taken to the police. He was in a semi-conscious state. A confession was found on him in which he confessed to many unsolved crimes. Later, several bases were found where his accomplices were hiding. The police were led to them by the white paths left by a good samaritan who called himself the Knight of Detroit.
«What the ***?! - It was the only thing I could say.
Finding my trousers under the sofa and pulling out my phone, I found 15 missed calls from Philippa, 3 from Herman and 1 from Gambit. First I decided to call Remy back to reconstruct the picture of the horror that had taken place yesterday.
After a few rings, he picked up:
«Hello, where are you?
«I'm at the diner, where are you?
«I woke up in some motel. Do you remember what happened yesterday?
«Most of it, and you don't?
«Not since we jumped through that window at the Life Foundation.
«Considering what we did, I kind of envy you. How could we get so drunk in a bar?
«Mm-hmm.
«What?
«Well, I've been thinking, and I don't think the bar is to blame.
«Why?
«Remember when you asked me to give you a taste of my booze?
«И?
«Well, it had some kind of mind-dulling drug in it. It was used by vampires to stupefy their victims at their club.
«Vampires?! Are they real?
«Didn't I tell you that yesterday?
«No. God, what is wrong with your life? I'm never drinking with you again!
«I probably won't drink with me again either. Just tell me what we did last night, cos they're telling me all sorts of things on the news.
«You haven't seen your music video yet.
«What music video?
«Google "what does the fox say?"
«Okay. - So, what did I make?
Finding my creation, which had racked up over a million hits overnight, I clicked on it. First, I saw a forest where I'm wearing a mask and start singing a song (thank goodness I had the brains to wear a mask). I recognised the song immediately, it was Ylvis - The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?). And what motivated me to do it? Ah, it doesn't seem to matter anymore. My sense of self-worth is over anyway. I wonder if I'll be the first person to commit suicide out of shame. You might ask, what was it about the video that affected me so much? Well, it's simple. Towards the middle of the clip, when I was supposed to put on the fox costume, my stoned brain seemed to come up with a more interesting idea, and I appeared in front of everyone in my full uniform, only repainted with orange paint and my fur in the front was given a white colour with the help of a fuckload of cocaine. And that was the picture you could see for the rest of the clip, and here comes Remy. Nobody's gonna recognise him! That bastard in the fox kigurumi with the fox mask - and no, he's burned. I don't think there are many people in the world who can make leaves glow and colourfully explode.
«Did you finish it?
«Yeah, I did.
«What did you think? - I could hear him doing everything in his power to keep from laughing his arse off.
«Humiliating.
«Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
«Go ahead and laugh, but let me remind you that everyone saw your fox pajama dance, and those who know you will recognise your ability. - "I can't believe we didn't say anything."
«All right, tell me what happened last night.
«Well, let's start with the Life Foundation. Anyway, that's when our brilliant plan to make some easy money fell through. We didn't find any developments, you were upset, of course, and then you saw the monkeys and decided to save them from those ruthless experiments. I don't know what they were being fed, but these chimpanzees communicated quite well in sign language, and I was able to explain to them that they were being rescued. After that we quietly drove them to the car park, stole a truck and rammed the gate, and then drove around the city for another hour until we ran into some kind of gang shooting. They started shooting at the truck, and we couldn't stand the provocation, so we decided to teach them a lesson. Only you seem to have lost your brakes a bit, as I haven't seen such brutality even from Thomas. At the end, only their boss was left alive. He was shaking behind the car and praying to all the gods that you wouldn't spot him, but I guess he wasn't praying well enough, because we found him. He begged you not to kill him, said he'd show you all his stash and confess to all his crimes. We agreed, and he showed us the location of a lot of weapons, drugs and his bases. That's where we got a lot of cocaine. You got it, by the way?
«Yeah, I'm covered in it. I got a wardrobe full of it.
«Great, so we're still in the black after last night.
«What happened next?
«You decided to turn him and his mates in to the police. I'm sorry you don't remember, but he had this happy face when he wrote his confession, like he'd been told he was cured of cancer. He even cried at the end, although that may have been due to your full form looming over him. After we were done with him, you decided it felt good to be a hero and offered to do another good deed. You said, and I quote: "Do you realise how bad it is for the animals in the zoo? "They live in cages for the public's amusement. "We saved George and the boys, so we should save the others!" You've heard the rest from the news, and I can add to your knowledge the list of people we robbed. We robbed a paint shop and stole some spotlights with a generator for a music video, but at a musical instrument shop you paid for it by leaving a bag of cocaine under the cash register. Then we spent an hour looking for those pyjamas. Then we went to shoot the video, and then we split up. You said you knew where to hide the loot and you were going to process our creation.
«Have you called Philippa yet?
«Are you kidding me?! Of course not! She'd kill me. Although, if it was your booze that caused all this, you'll be the one to call and explain to her.
«You're the one who asked me to let you try it.
«What? I can't hear you very well. I think I'm entering a tunnel... pshhhh... the connection... pshhhh... it's glitchy.
«Weren't you just at the diner?
"He dropped it, what a bastard!".
***
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