My life as a shadow…
Emily was my best friend, I liked her a lot, but she was also ruining my life. I know it was wrong to think this way but… I couldn't help it.
"I like Emily, I'm sorry, Jena."
Daniel said those words to me after three years together, after smiles, jokes, talks and many mixed signals. I was devastated. All this time, I thought he was interested in me, but he, like many others, only stayed by my side to get to her.
"Okay," I said not knowing what to do or how to respond. I was lost. My mind was screaming, but my words were silent. "It's okay, I didn't mean anything by saying that I liked you. I just wanted you to know that you are a wonderful person, and I enjoyed your company as a friend."
He was not buying it, I guess my painful expression was telling that I meant it with all my heart.
He returned a guilty smile, an awkward smile while he moved back as if telling me that he found me disgusting. Those eyes showed that he was uncomfortable with what was happening, I would too.
"I have to get back to study, the big exam is near, you know," he said with this strange tone, the kind that said that he wanted to leave quickly to avoid an embarrassing situation. Maybe he won't try to talk to me again after this for fear of me becoming clingy. I won't do that, I am not that bold or brave. I will try to avoid him too.
"Okay," I said, "Good luck, I will stay here to continue reviewing."
I sat back on my desk in my hidden spot in the library and continued reading. I didn't notice when he left, I hope he did quickly before I couldn't control my tears.
I think I read twenty pages about finance, there were some study cases, some examples, some pretty interesting stuff, but my eyes… I didn't know what happened to my eyes, and my lips and my nose. Tears were falling, my lips were trembling and my nose was running.
Again, I didn't want to blame her, my best friend Emily. She was the sunshine for many of us, our mutual friends, our families.
Everyone liked her, she was pretty, strong, charismatic with a great personality. Of course, she was smart and outspoken. Brave and principle oriented, and also cool. Well she was the definition of the heroine of a novel. The one who gets in trouble all the time, but she has the ability to solve it like a the main character of a novel.
Everyone admired her, including me. My younger sister looked up to her and my parents loved her like their own child.
Of course, all of our group of friends came together thanks to her.
However, at the same time, as she was moving forward, getting brighter, stronger, and more beautiful, I was left behind. There was no way I could follow her, and she never reached out to me. Why would she do that? Why would she wait when her future was in front of her?
I knew I should tell her about my feelings, about Daniel, but right now, it was not possible.
My mind was thinking bad things about her, I didn't want to see her and show her how ugly I was. She was innocent, but my heart was in pain and my mind was not following rational thoughts. If I were to talk to her, I would scream and blame her for all. No, I can't do that. She doesn't deserve it.
In the end, all that cool stuff about finance, didn't get into my head.
I left the library after I cleaned my eyes, and my tears dried up.
My cellphone rang twice, there was a message from the school forum, nothing relevant, and that was all.
I didn't have as many friends as her, but I didn't care. I only wanted to be close to her and… Daniel.
When I arrived home, my parents were already there. My younger sister too. They said something about dinner but they didn't even look at me. This was usual for them.
"Where is Emily?" I heard Elsa, my younger sister, said. "I want to invite her to my school festival."
"Call her," I said without thinking too much.
Elsa never invited me before to her school festival. I once heard her telling her friends that Emily was her sister and I was just a friend of Emily. She denied me several times. It was painful at first but then, it became a habit of her. My parents never corrected her too.
"I did it but she isn't answering her phone," her voice was irritated as she followed me back to my room.
"Send her a message, she will answer later," I said and closed the door.
"Hey! Call her! Do it!" she banged on the door but I didn't care.
I was tired.
For many hours I stared at the window, at the sky and the tallest tree outside.
I tried to sleep but tears followed me inside my dreams. Then I thought, I didn't want to care anymore.
My family was not even worried that I didn't eat dinner.
My sister didn't recognize me.
Emily was at a study group that I wasn't invited to.
Daniel ditched me even thought we never started dating.
I didn't have friends that really wanted to stay with me.
I felt so alone.
Next morning was the same…
I woke up, ate some left overs, then went back to the university.
Not once I looked back at my parents that didn't seem to notice me. They concerned about their holiday trip in two months that they were planning for so long. However, they never bothered to tell me. I think they don't know that I won't be able to go, or maybe, they never thought of taking me with them. Well.. It is not like they haven't done that before.
Anyway, I walked faster and boarded the bus.
Classes started, I took notes, I went to the library, and studied. Once again, I couldn't focus. My mind was somewhere else.
"Did you hear?"
"What?"
"Daniel Hilton confessed to Emily Park."
Those whispered startled me. There were two girls chattering a few meters from me in the library. I believe they didn't notice me.
"Really? When? How?"
"Yesterday, he even brought her a bunch of expensive flowers."
"What did she say?"
"She said that she will think about it."
"Well, of course, she is the beauty of the campus."
"But, you know… there was a rumor that he was going out with Emily's friend. How is she called?"
"Oh I know who, but I don't know her name. She is very silent. I don't like her."
"Have you ever spoken to her?"
"Mmmm… not really… hahaha she seems boring."
"Duh…"
I knew that girl, she wanted me to help her with a project but I didn't. It was obvious she was trying to take advantage by pretending to be my friend. After I rejected her, she didn't talk to me again.
Well, I didn't care about them, but what they said. Daniel confessed to Emily yesterday. After I confessed to him?
I suddenly had the need to ask Emily. She didn't tell me. Why? We were childhood friends, we were together all the time through middle school till university. But she didn't tell me anything.
Why was I more upset about that than the fact that Daniel confessed to her?
This was making me crazy.
I didn't send the message in the end. I didn't want to know anymore about anyone.
What I did was something stupid.
There was a bar near school. I was never invited there because I never had much talk to do. Those so called friends always ignored me and seemed uncomfortable around me. Their eyes looked at me as if I wasn't enough for their group and wanted me to leave.
Well, that was not the first time this happened. Even when we where in middle school when I had my first crush on a guy, my classmates that I thought were good to me, in fact, they were all following Emily's instructions to let me join their group.
I heard them say that I was ugly. Someone said that they should all play along with Emily as I was the best way to get close to her. Even the guy who I liked was like that.
They joked around with me after that. They talked to me and I only ignored them. They tried again many times, but I kept silent. After a few more tries, not many, they stopped and a rumor about me being cocky started.
I didn't care but I was hurt. No more friends for me after that, only Emily.
But I was saying, I did something stupid and crazy and, again, the foolest thing to do for any poorly confident person.
I went to that bar, dressed in something I never used to wear, a small black dress. My intention was not to pick a guy, but I wanted to drink without anyone observing me and saying that I didn't belong there. At least they will see me as a wallflower. Someone mixing with the people there, but not too surprising because of my aspect.
I asked for a drink and stayed on the bar, not saying anything, just drinking alone. I was sure no one would ever approach me.
My mind was on the loud music and the drink. Somehow it was becoming numbing, the pain.
Then something happen, what bad luck, I should have guessed.
"Girl," a man's voice said. "Are you alone?"
Three guys approached me, one in the back, the others to the side. This game I knew it but I've never played before.
I said no without moving my sight from my drink.
The guy touched my ear and I stupidly turned my head towards him. There… the other guy must have put something inside my drink.
I didn't drink of course.
"Come play with us," he ordered and put his big hand on my shoulder.
I shook my head but he pulled me harder making me almost fall, then I felt something on my back, it was a knife.
"Don't make this difficult to us."
I was afraid when they led me to the hotel on the next road.
However, I have to say that I have taken classes on self defense. Well, more like I was forced to take them alongside Emily. She was always hit on, and one of my duties was to help her deal with the stupid guys that always threw a punch at the side character called me.
I needed to learn how to deal with punches, throws and physical pain.
When we were walking through the corridor of one of the highest floors. I did it.
As I said before, I didn't care about anything anymore. My life was a disaster. My expectations were done. I would never be better at anything, and I don't have friends, and my family doesn't care about me really. If I die today, the world will never notice.
So, I will decide… I hit the stupid guy on my side with my heel on his foot, harder I pierced his shoe. Then I kicked the balls of the other guy and threw my bag to the other guy, then I ran. If they shoot or anything I will fight, till they killed me. But… there was a door, an empty room, and I closed the door and locked it.
I heard punches, screams, threats. Then I dialed the police from the hotel's phone and put it on speaker. They heard.
Then the police arrived, the hotel's staff apologized to me, but I knew that they didn't care in the first place. Then I was about to leave, but then again, something happen.
Maybe my stupid fate was telling me to stop thinking about stupid thoughts, about life that didn't matter, about people that didn't love me. But I had that idea deep in my core now. I was a not confident and low self esteem person, depressed about everything, negative, and many others adjectives that didn't fit a social, admirable person.
"You are Jena Lars," a man said.
I turned to see him. Do you remember the guy I had a crush in middle school? My first love? There he was. Nathan Reed.
Tall, handsome, confident. I remembered that I admired him because of that. He was also a genius, too smart for our ordinary school, with an attractive face, with masculine factions but without loosing the elegance. Now he seemed mature with that suit.
Well it is not my business. After he and his group of friend made me a joke and friendless, I only looked at him with nothing else than discomfort. Even when it was a marvel to watch him, like a celebrity, I was not enthusiastic, instead, I would give anything to run from him that moment.
"Do you remember me?" he said
I didn't want to say that I did, but I stared too long for me not to know him. "Nathan Reed, " I said.
He smiled, or smirked, I don't know.
He moved forward as the group of policemen and hotel's staff were leaving. We were in the hotel's reception.
"I have to go," I said when he tried to approach again. "Have a good night."
"You wouldn't want to leave, that would be dangerous."
I was not confused. Those criminals might be waiting for me outside. But I had called my parent's driver so…
"They are not ordinary guys," he said, "they are mafia."
I was not expecting that.
"You are now a target," he said as if it was amusing.
I was tired. I didn't want to deal with anything. My mind was drifting to other thoughts again. Even in danger, I wanted to sleep and maybe never wake up.
"Stay here," he said. I didn't know when he came near enough to take my hand. "Come to my room till they leave."
I was surprised but then again, my thoughts went to this stupid line: "he might want to connect with Emily again. He might be using me for that."
I said, "okay."
I followed him to his room. I didn't ask him anything and only thanked him.
However, I was stupid, in this stupid world.
I don't know when I drank the full wine bottle, and when I started saying yes to everything he asked.
"Can I kiss you?"
"Yes."
"Do you like me?"
"Yes."
"Can I touch you?"
"Yes."
"I want to take you to bed, do you want to?"
"Yes."
Then we did it. My first time happened because of a group of yeses. He kissed me, he smirked when he noticed that it was my first kiss too. He undressed me, and he was surprised that I didn't resist at all. He said something about my eyes and that I was the same as always. He said that I didn't change at all. There was no way that I knew what was he talking about, but maybe he said that I was the same plain, boring girl as always.
Never-mind, I let him continue, he kissed me again, he said something I didn't hear well, and then he asked me something and I said yes and yes and yes… then I moaned to his movements, and cried too, I bit my lip, I lost my breath and finally I slept like a log.
Next morning…
He was not here… I somehow knew that he would leave before I woke up. I knew it. Then again, I felt a little empty. He may have toyed with me, and it was sad that my first time was like that, but thinking back, at least I remembered it all. This will be a good memory for the future, as I knew that it will never happen again. Because yesterday was a stupid day.
I dressed up, and left the hotel quickly.
As a matter of fact, I've never received a call from my parents.
Three days later… the world became stupid.
"Who is he?"
"He is handsome."
"He is with Emily. They seem close, maybe he is the reason she is not Daniel's girlfriend already."
"Well he is a good reason."
I watched from afar, the group of friends, Emily, Daniel and… Nathan.
What is he doing here? He had finished school already, I heard he had a PHD.
Emily waved her hand at me. This was a first time. She had never done that before. I knew she used to ignore me unless I spoke to her first.
This time, I pretended I got a call and left.
"Did you run away?"
My hideout was discovered very fast. There he was again, Nathan Reed.
"I have something to do," I said as I was reading my notes from my class on finance. I was not focused in class, my mind kept wandering to negative thoughts. I was not motivated again.
"But I need your number," he said.
I shook my head, "there is no need for that. Can you leave me alone?"
I didn't hear a word, but then…
His phone was in front of me, then the screen, then a video and me… naked, moaning.
I tried to take the phone and he smirked.
"Your number."
"What do you want?"
He smirked and leaned on my shoulder, his hand touched my breast. Fortunately, my hideout was in the corner of the library, there were no students there.
"I want a plaything while I stay in this school, I want to fuck you everyday. You know I need it to focus on my thoughts."
"You are sick."
"Well, I don't care, but you should," he pressed his lips on my neck. "Will you like to be expelled?"
I laughed. "Do you think I care about what happen to me?"
Then he turned my chin towards him. His eyes and expression were surprised and somehow… sad.
"You shouldn't care about this then, we can have fun together," he said and it was interesting, "if you find life boring."
I frowned. This was confusing. "Why are you doing this to me? Is there no other girls willing to do this with you?"
I wanted to ask if he was not interested in Emily.
He smiled again and sat beside me. "I want you… for now."
Well, again, he may want the toy that he hadn't fully used. And maybe, I was a bit… a tiny bit flattered that he seemed to find me desirable. Deep inside, I had already agreed. I only needed to say it but…
"There you are…."
Emily had just arrived… and her group of friends.
"Nathan, you said that you could help us with some topics on Calculus, we…" she was looking straight at Nathan. That lovely stare, that sweet smile and her bright personality, she attracted every person to her like that. Well, this was better, if they leave, I get to think more about what that man was proposing. He was blackmailing me and for god's sake, I was about to say yes.
If that man made me his lover, sexual toy, forgettable and convenient sexual partner, I would be entertained for a bit, but then… I've never had a boyfriend, all those men in my life didn't really like me. They acted close to me just to get to Emily, while I was left behind in the shadows as always.
Then, why should I think someone would really be interested in me? That can't be, that can't happen, it's unreal. So… he wants to get close to Emily. He might be using me as a pastime but, in the end, he will ask me to help him stay with her. That was his game.
"Jena? Jena?"
I was distracted on my own thought that I didn't realize they were all staring at me. I didn't like to be the center of attention in anything.
"Nathan was saying he was helping you with something in math, do you mind if he helps us too?"
Her sweet voice a bomb to everybody's hearts.
"It's okay, I wanted to study alone for a while and get this done on my own."
The reality of things was that I was nowhere near their abilities and skills. We all have the same Calculus class, but they were the top of the class, while I was at most, a bit over the average. I didn't want them to mock me or find me annoying for not understanding the basics just like them.
"Great, then… Nathan, shall we go? We have a room reserved upstairs, we can all go there and…"
"This one is wrong, you should use this formula like this…" Nathan said interrupting Emily and taking my pencil, then he wrote the answer in his beautiful and stylish handwritten letters.
"Then you apply the formula like this," he said again and with a small drawing he started explaining me everything. At first, I was a bit embarrassed, as I didn't want anyone to notice my lack of studying, but then… his explanations made a lot more sense.
"Did you get it?" he whispered and I nodded, then I completed the next two exercises by myself and he patted my head as if I was a little girl.
"Nathan?"
Oh… I forgot for a second. I looked at Nathan waiting for him to leave. "Thank you."
Nathan smiled. "I think I am needed more here, and I promise Jena too, so what about staying here…"
"Jena can come with us too upstairs…" she said that but then she gave me a signal, the kind that told me to say no. The kind that let me know that the other didn't welcome me there, and the one that told me to let her have her way.
"I will be difficult for us to stay here, we can't make any noise here, and I prefer to review alone if you don't mind."
I said all that in my most cowardly and annoying self depreciating self. But she wanted it. I am an idiot.
"That's true," someone else said, "we have to follow the library rules."
"Yes, they will kick us out if we talk louder."
"Shall we go then, Nathan?" Emily was already walking to the exit but Nathan didn't follow.
"No worries," he said to me, not watching the others, "I already asked for permission. You know, I have some privileges being a member of the school board."
The others were flabbergasted and annoyed. Nathan made them join some tables and seats but he continued to seat next to me, very closely to me, almost touching my shoulder, thought he was also touching my leg, brushing with his fingers my tight. That under the table.
"Nathan, you can seat here, so we can here your explanation and…" Emily said, but this time she seemed a bit forceful. Why would she need him to seat just right beside her to hear better the explanation?
"I am good here, you are all very smart so I will explain it once for you… the one that needs my full attention is this little idiot," he tapped my forehead and I felt my cheeks blush. He didn't need to point the obvious, now I was more embarrassed but, at the same time, happy. What was wrong with me?
"That…" Emily's voice shook.
"Then let's begin," he said and grabbed my notebook, he explained everything and showed us the formula derivation, and his neat and beautiful handwriting.
"Pay attention," he said to me, "this formula is the one you are using now."
They all watched me and I sank into my embarrassment.
"Then, let's do a couple exercises," he continued and explained two basics ones for me, the others were already done with them before. But he didn't care about that, and didn't listen to them while he slowly explained everything to me. Then I did a couple of exercises alone and got them correct. I was fascinated, so intensively fascinated. My mind was starting to understand everything. It was like having a strike of brightness showing me the right path. I felt so clear.
Then we continued with the next topic, he showed the formula derivation, then some concepts and then a couple of exercises. And again and again, I was learning.
By now, I didn't care about those big frustration faces, those annoyed and full of hate glares. I was going to nail this exam.
He may be a cretin but he was a great teacher. It was worth it my virginity… no… what? This is me being idiot again.
"Did you get the last one?" he said again and I blushed. I got distracted by a second.
He sighed and explained it again to me.
By then, three hours had passed.
"We need to stop or your brain will melt down," he said as I completed at list three pages of medium level exercises. All with notes, self explanations and demonstrations. I was feeling smarter than ever and I didn't want to stop. I was about to tell them to go and eat while I did more exercises but he grabbed my hand.
"Stop," he said and made me look at him, "let's go eat something."
"But… I…"
The others watched me as if telling me to decline and make myself scarce quickly. Even Emily was frowning. Well, those stares were not abnormal in my life.
"I want to stay," I said finally, "I brought some food with me from home."
It was not a lie, my family was well off, but my mother and father didn't really care about me so… they always forgot to deposit money to my account for food at school. Even when I reminded them, they will ignore me. So I had to make my own food in the morning to bring it to the school. Also, I didn't have enough even for books and transportation, so I had to use the library constantly, and wait for the school bus every day.
The only two persons in my life that give me money and never forgets about me are my grandma and my aunt. And I would never use that money if not for an emergency… that day in the bar was an emergency… I guess.
"Then, shall we go?" someone said, "we can go to a restaurant near here, it is an excellent place, the food is good and…"
"Then go there, I will wait here with this little fool," Nathan said, "I don't think she can make any more exercises alone with that bird size brain of hers. I don't want her to make useless my hard work. You go… we can reunite after two hours."
Silence fell and uncomfortable stares too.
"Nathan, aren't you hungry?" Emily said with a pout.
Nathan smiled and reclined his arm over my seat. "Don't worry about me, I can ask for food to be brought here."
"That…" Emily blushed again but this time in embarrassment. She was angry too. That expression and that grimace of disgust in her face said it all. She was not happy, not at all.
"You don't have to do this."
"Shut it little bird, we are staying here to make you a bit smarter."
"Then… then we can also eat here," Emily finally said. "We can order takeout and…"
"No," Nathan said, "the food smell will be devastating for the library. I will take this little birdie to my office to eat, then we will be back early. As I said, go and come back in two hours. You too birdie, take your things and come, I will test you about the formulas I just taught you. Let's go."
Before anyone could said another word of complain, he grabbed my things and shoved them to my bag, then he carried my bag and took my hand and pulled me. It was swift, quickly and without listening to the others.
I was so embarrassed, but happy…