The Common Sense Condiment—Major Mustard, Chapter Seventeen:
"Schoolyard Hypocrisy: Emotional Rubik's Cubes and the Shark-Saints of Tomorrow"
Introduction
Welcome to the educational funhouse, where the only thing more twisted than the curriculum is the advice we give our kids. School is supposed to prepare you for life, but half the time it's just a crash course in contradictions. We hand our kids an emotional Rubik's cube, tell them to solve it with their eyes closed, and then get mad when they turn it into a stress ball.
Shark or Saint? Pick a Side—But Also, Don't
"Be a shark! Stand up for yourself! No one else is going to take care of you."
Except, always be kind. Help everyone. Look after others. That's what good people do. But don't expect anyone to look after you, because that's not how the world works. Unless it is. But it's not. Unless you're the exception. Which you're not. Unless you are.
"You have to be the best! But don't make anyone else feel bad for not being the best. That's bullying."
But also, don't let anyone walk all over you. Unless it's for group work. Then just do all the work yourself and hope for the best.
"Don't let anyone pressure you. But also, don't be the only one not doing it, because you don't want to be left out."
But be a leader, not a follower. Except when you're supposed to follow. But don't follow blindly. Unless it's the rules. Even if the rules make no sense. Welcome to school!
The Dating Double Bind
"I want your life to be better than mine. Don't fall into abusive relationships like I did."
But you're not allowed to date until you're 18. So, good luck figuring out love in a rush, after watching all your friends date, make mistakes, and at least get some practice. You? You'll be learning on the fly, with no training wheels and a crowd of parents judging from the bleachers.
"I don't want you to get hurt, so I'll protect you from everything."
But when you finally do get into a bad relationship, I'll blame your partner, because his parents did the same thing. Now neither of you have a clue how to raise each other's bar—instead, you just beat each other with it.
Schoolyard Logic: The Emotional Rubik's Cube
"Be yourself! But not like that. Tone it down. Fit in. Stand out. Blend in. Make a statement. Don't make a scene."
"Speak up for what's right! But don't talk back. Respect authority. Challenge injustice. But don't question the teacher."
"Learn from your mistakes! But don't make any. We have zero-tolerance for mistakes. But failure is the best teacher. Unless you fail, then you're in trouble."
The Real Lesson
If you're confused, congratulations—you're paying attention. We tell our kids to be strong, but not too strong. To be kind, but not a doormat. To be independent, but never alone. We want them to avoid our mistakes, but we won't let them make any of their own.
So here's to the next generation, handed an emotional Rubik's cube of contradictions and told, "Figure it out, kid. And don't mess it up." If you do, we'll just blame the other parents.
Closing Thought
Maybe instead of teaching kids to be shark-saints with trust issues, we should just hand out instruction manuals for the emotional Rubik's cube we gave them. Or at least admit that sometimes, the grown-ups are still trying to solve it too.
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