Text"I don't need a tutor." Dazai says, flatly. Oda looks at him with a blank stare.
"Your grades say otherwise." When Dazai doesn't answer except for a curl of his lips, Oda sighs. "Dazai, I know you're smart. You had the top exam score in your third year of high school. Is something going on? Something that made you lose focus?"
Dazai frowns.
"Maybe I want to fail." He says. Oda gives him a stern look.
"You want to fail your first semester of college?" He asks, exasperated. "Why?"
Dazai, once again, doesn't answer.
"Unless you get your grades up, you'll have to have a tutor." Oda tells him firmly. "You'll just have to bear with it. His name is Nakahara Chuuya. Look, here he is now."
The first thing Dazai thinks when he sees Nakahara Chuuya is this: what the fuck.
Because Chuuya is terribly, horribly attractive. Dazai has known he's bi for a while, but when he sees Chuuya it feels like he's rediscovered it all over again. Chuuya's hair is red like fire, and his eyes are so blue that it sends a shock through Dazai's entire body. But he's very clearly Japanese, too, with a name like that.
"Hi. I'm Nakahara Chuuya." He says, and his voice, holy shit. Dazai wonders what it would sound like if he–
WOW. Not going there. Bad Dazai. Bad. He whips around to face Oda again.
"Oda-sensei, I am begging you to reconsider." He pleads. "There's no way I can get through this without losing my mind."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Chuuya says from behind him, sounding miffed. Dazai ignores him.
"Oda-sensei," He whines. "Please."
Oda just gives him a knowing grin. That's it. Dazai wants to die, but this isn't how he planned to go about it.
"Hey!" Chuuya snaps. "I'm talking to you!"
Dazai keeps ignoring him, staring at Oda with pleading eyes.
"Get your grades up." Oda tells him. "Then we'll talk."
Well, Dazai thinks. If he's going to be miserable, the least he can do is make Chuuya miserable, too. Maybe then Chuuya will ditch him and Dazai can fail out of college with no regrets.
Their first meeting is just that: miserable.
"Why do you dress like that?" Chuuya asks, wrinkling his nose at Dazai's suit and black coat. Dazai looks down at himself and then back at Chuuya, a sly grin creeping onto his face. Step one: gross him out. Chuuya doesn't look homophobic, but if he is…
Well. Dazai decides there's only one way to find out.
"I'm a business major." He says, and then raises an eyebrow. "Why do you ask? It's because it looks sexy, right?"
He's putting on a facade. Dazai doesn't actually think he's very good looking. He doesn't think highly of himself at all, but he must do a good job of faking it, because Chuuya flushes bright red and huffs angrily. Good. Dazai thinks. Get mad.
"You're a business major, but you're failing basic math?" Chuuya asks, and Dazai frowns. "And that wasn't what I meant. Your bandages. What are they for?"
Dazai gasps like he's been shot. It's all acting. He isn't fazed by either of those questions.
"Why, Chuuya," He moans. "You wound me. Are you calling me stupid on our first date? That's no way to treat a man."
Chuuya chokes.
"Date?!" He asks, loudly. The librarian shushes him, and he lowers his voice to a heated whisper. "What do you mean, date? We're supposed to be studying."
He's forgotten about the bandages. Good. Crisis averted. Dazai nods sagely.
"A study date." He says, and Chuuya's cheeks redden again. "That's the best kind, don't you think?"
Chuuya sputters helplessly, and Dazai's eyes narrow, searching his face for any sign of disgust. He doesn't find one.
"As if I would go on a date with you." Chuuya says, and Dazai frowns. "Now open your textbook."
Dazai groans loudly, and gets shushed by the librarian again.
"I don't wanna," He whines. "Math is boring."
Chuuya frowns thoughtfully.
"You'll never understand it if you don't try." He says. It's cute. Oh no. Oh God. This is all happening far too fast. Dazai has got to get out of this situation before he falls any harder.
Dazai does understand. He understands math very well. But he wasn't lying when he said it's boring.
Curse you, Oda-sensei. He thinks, only mildly venomous. How dare you set me up like this.
He puts his head in his arms to wallow in his complete and utter despair. Chuuya pokes him gently.
"Hey," He says, his voice softer than before. "Not understanding doesn't make you stupid, or anything. I think you can do it if you try."
That's it. Dazai has decided. He'll pretend to be dumb. It's the only way he can keep Chuuya around. Because everyone leaves eventually. He lifts his head and frowns, putting on an expression that he knows makes him look like a kicked puppy.
"You think so?" He asks. Chuuya nods vehemently.
"I know so. So let's get started, okay?"
Actually, Dazai thinks, as he opens his textbook, this might not be so bad.
He lets Chuuya explain things to him slowly, and it should feel patronizing, but it's not. It's honestly a little bit funny. Funny because he can't stop looking anywhere but Chuuya's face.
"Sorry," He says, not actually sorry at all. "Could you repeat that formula again? I didn't quite catch it."
Chuuya huffs frustratedly, seemingly flustered that Dazai still doesn't get it. It's cute. Dazai bites his lip to hide a grin, but Chuuya looks up and catches it anyway.
"Is this a game to you?" He snaps. "You're going to flunk out of college if you don't start actually trying."
Dazai shrugs.
"That might not be so bad." He says, nonchalant. Chuuya looks at him like he's grown a second head.
"What are you talking about?" He asks, and then his eyes darken. "If that's what you're planning to do, then we might as well stop now. I'm not gonna waste my time with someone who doesn't want to learn."
And sure, that was what Dazai originally wanted, but not anymore.
"I am!" He whines. "I am trying! It's just all so boring."
Chuuya's expression turns grim.
"I'm sorry," He grits out. "Am I boring you?"
Dazai gasps in mock offense.
"Why, Chuuya," He says, grinning. "You, bore me? Never."
It must come out more sarcastic than he'd meant it to, because Chuuya stands up abruptly, pushing his chair back with a loud creak.
"I'm out of here." He spits. "Call me when you're ready to actually put some fucking work in."
"But Chuuya," Dazai whines. Chuuya glares at him. "I don't have your number."
"Oh." Chuuya says, his glare softening a bit.
"So?" Dazai asks, smirking. "Won't you give it to me?" Chuuya flushes a little bit under his gaze, and Dazai's smirk sharpens. "Or," He adds. "You could always give me something else."
He's not expecting the fist he gets to his face. It smarts, leaves him reeling, his head spinning. He tumbles backwards on his chair from the force of the punch. Blood starts to drip from his nose. The librarian stands up from her place at her desk. Dazai feels up his nose. It isn't broken, which is good. But it might be, soon.
"Wow," He teases, grinning, and licks the top of his lip where blood is beginning to settle. It's salty, tastes like iron. He wants more of it. "You sure can pack a punch for someone your size."
Just like that, Chuuya is on him, trying to throttle him. It's not serious. Dazai knows Chuuya wouldn't ever kill him, but he never thought having someone's hands on his throat could be so attractive. Dazai drops his head back, going limp and just grinning as the poor librarian pulls them apart.
"Get out." She commands. "Both of you!"
There's not much they can do other than follow her orders. Dazai gets to his feet and trails after Chuuya as he storms out of the building. He wipes at his nose and his hand comes back bloody and red. Wow.
"What's wrong with you?!" Chuuya shouts. "You got us kicked out of the library!"
Dazai raises an eyebrow, licking his lip again. He watches Chuuya trace the movement of his tongue and smirks.
"As I recall, you were the one who tried to strangle me in there." He says. "Don't blame me for your anger issues. Hey, maybe I can tutor you, too. In anger management."
"You–!" Chuuya starts, and rears back to throw another punch. Dazai holds up his hands placatingly with a mocking grin.
"Ahh, Chuuya," He cries, not acting the part at all. "I'm already so injured, have some mercy! My nose might be broken!"
Chuuya freezes, dropping his arm.
"Really?" He asks, sounding a bit concerned. "Is it broken?"
Dazai grins.
"Of course not." He says, and Chuuya grabs him again, shaking him. More blood spills from his nose, staining his white button up.
"Chuuya," Dazai whines. "That hurts. And you're ruining my shirt!"
Chuuya pushes him away abruptly and clenches his hands into fists. He looks one step away from an aneurysm. Dazai is delighted.
"You don't look too torn up about it." Chuuya scoffs.
"I could buy a hundred new shirts if I wanted to." Dazai tells him, still grinning. "I'm just that rich. I could help you out though, and get you some new clothes."
Chuuya's eyelid twitches.
"What is that supposed to mean?" He asks angrily.
"Don't go getting all offended," Dazai says, holding his hands up again. "It's not your fault you can't afford to pick out better options."
"What's wrong with my clothes?!" Chuuya demands. Dazai eyes him up and down. Actually, it doesn't matter what Chuuya wears. He'll probably be stunning no matter what he's put in. But Dazai isn't about to say that.
"Tacky." Is what comes out, and Chuuya punches him again, this time in the shoulder. "Ow," Dazai whines.
"You deserved it!" Chuuya says, trembling with rage. "I don't look tacky. It's fashionable!"
Dazai raises an eyebrow and looks him up and down again. Like this, he can pretend he's not blatantly checking Chuuya out.
"Keep telling yourself that," He says, grinning again. "Maybe you'll actually start to believe it." Chuuya looks like he's ready to punch him again, so Dazai does his best to soften the blow. "Hey, don't take it to heart. At least you have a pretty face."
Chuuya turns into a human sized tomato. It's hilarious, so Dazai laughs. There's still blood pouring down his face and he's giggling like a maniac. Chuuya stares at him, horrified.
"There's something wrong with you." He declares.
"There's a lot of somethings wrong with me, Chuuya," Dazai gasps between giggles. "You'll have to be more specific."
Chuuya looks like he doesn't quite know what to do.
"You're crazy." He says. Dazai is finally able to stop laughing for long enough to grin at Chuuya with bloody teeth.
"The best people are!" He quotes, and Chuuya looks mildly disgusted.
"Pinch your nose." Is all he says. "You're getting blood everywhere. It's gross."
Dazai, for once in his life, does what he's told.
"That's your fault." His voice is nasally, and it makes him start laughing again. He hasn't laughed this hard in… in a long time. Actually, he can't remember the last time he laughed at all. That sobers him up a little bit.
"You started it!" Chuuya accuses, and Dazai snorts, but ends up choking on the remaining blood in his nose.
"What are we, five?" He asks teasingly. Chuuya's glare sharpens.
"Give me your phone." He demands, and Dazai grins, pulling it out of his pocket and handing it over. Chuuya types his number in and shoves Dazai's phone back towards him. "There." Chuuya says. "Call me when you've got your act together and actually want to try."
"Okay," Dazai agrees, without any argument. Chuuya looks at him, seemingly surprised for a moment, and then his face evens out again. He turns around to leave, but Dazai stops him. "Hey, Chuuya," He says, and Chuuya halts in his tracks. "Drink more milk. I know we're adults now, but who knows, right? Maybe you'll get a growth spurt."
He expects Chuuya to turn around and punch him again, but he doesn't. Dazai frowns. What a shame.
"I hate you so much." Chuuya says, and it makes Dazai slightly giddy. "I hope you know how to do laundry. Actually, you might as well get a new suit altogether. That one's trashed."
Dazai grins where Chuuya can't see it.
"So feisty for someone so small!" He calls, as Chuuya walks away. Chuuya raises his hand and flips him off. Dazai's heart pounds loudly in his chest. He feels alive.
The feeling vanishes as soon as he gets back to his dorm, all his euphoria disappearing in a flash as soon as he opens the door. He hates it here. It's too small, it reminds him of–
He breaks off that train of thought and forces himself to breathe. He's safe right now. The only person he has to worry about is sitting right on Dazai's bed.
"Fyodor." He says flatly. The accused looks up from the novel he's reading and raises his eyebrows. "Get off my bed."
"You look like shit." Fyodor deadpans. He doesn't get off the bed. Dazai can't find it in himself to smile about it anymore, as happy as Chuuya punching his nose had made him. "Who did you piss off this time?"
"None of your business." Dazai replies, hurriedly. Call him selfish, but he doesn't want Fyodor to know about Chuuya. He doesn't trust him. Fyodor knows that.
"You still don't trust me?" He asks, tilting his head, patronizing. Dazai bristles. "It's been weeks, Osamu. We live together."
Dazai's breath leaves him in a woosh of air.
"Don't call me that." He tries to sound intimidating, but it comes out small and pathetic.
Fyodor's face twists into an expression of confusion, but it quickly smooths out until he just looks indifferent.
"Okay. Dazai, then."
"I'll never trust you." Dazai gripes, to make up for it. "You're slimy and you steal my books. You haven't earned it."
Fyodor scoffs.
"You don't even read them." He says. "All you do is lay in bed and try to pretend you don't exist."
Dazai forces his face to stay blank.
"Get off my bed, Fyodor. Now."
Fyodor huffs, pouting, but he closes the book he's reading and hops off the bed.
"You're going to shower before you get into bed, right?" He asks. "You're kind of filthy right now, Dazai."
"Yeah, yeah." Dazai brushes him off with a wave of his hand. "I'll probably have to throw this suit out. I'm keeping the coat though. It doesn't have that much blood on it."
"Why do you hang onto that thing?" Fyodor questions him. "There are better options."
Dazai keeps his face blank. He can't give anything away.
"It was a gift." He says, simply, and heads to the bathroom.
They're lucky that there are individual showers on this floor. Actually, it's why Dazai requested this dorm in the first place. Fyodor was just an unfortunate bonus. He wasn't actually supposed to have a roommate. They made a mistake, and Dazai sucked it up and agreed to it, because he's not that horrible of a person.
Plus, Fyodor is smart. They play chess together, sometimes. It's nice to actually have someone who's a challenge to play with. It makes it more entertaining.
That doesn't really matter anymore, though. Nothing is entertaining, lately. Except for maybe… Not going there. He strips and climbs into the shower without testing the water. It's freezing cold at first, and it gives him a nice shock before it warms up.
Dazai cranks the temperature up until it's practically scalding. It burns, but it's a welcome relief, washes the blood off easily. Dazai lets out a sigh and gets started washing his hair. It's easier today. His limbs don't feel like they're weighed down by anchors, like lead. And it feels nice, too, to be clean.
His hygiene is good, even if it gets hard sometimes. He always makes sure to shower. Especially after things get messy. He'd rather not think about that. He takes as long as he can without wasting water, and then gets out of the shower, wrapping himself in a towel and walking towards the sink.
He gets a good look at his face in the mirror, pinches and pulls his cheeks in different directions. Still not right. Still not… human. His eyes are dark and empty, his expression emotionless. He'll never know, he supposes, what it's like to really, truly be human. He removed that part of himself years ago.
He can still try, though. Right? He can act like it. He can pretend. He's good at that.
"You good in there?" Fyodor calls. "I don't need to call an ambulance, do I?"
Fyodor cares, in his own weird, apathetic way. That's a conflicting statement. Oh well. Dazai should answer him.
"I'm fine!" He says, loud enough for Fyodor to hear.
He dries off and gets dressed in record time. It's changing his bandages that takes the longest. When he exits the bathroom, Fyodor is right there, staring at him, unimpressed.
"Did you burn yourself in the shower?" He asks. "You're all red and stuff."
"How eloquent of you, Fyodor." Dazai quips. "Red and stuff. But don't be stupid. You know I hate pain."
Fyodor glances knowingly at his bandages, and Dazai bristles. But Fyodor doesn't push it.
"Right." He says, and walks away, probably to the kitchen. He's a bottomless pit, that man. He's almost as bad as Ranpo, and that's saying something.
Dazai flops onto his bed and sighs, miserable. Then, he gets an idea. He gets his phone and pulls up Chuuya's contact, creating a new conversation.
me
hey slug
its me
dazai
૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა
slug
WHO ARE YOU CALLING SLUG?!
Dazai huffs out a soft laugh. This is better.
me
who else is small enough
to fit that description?
slug
you!!
me
bzzt! wrong answer!
only chuuya is small
enough!
slug
why are you even texting
me? i told you not to
unless you're ready to
do some work
me
actually, u said not to
CALL u. u never said
anything about texting
slug
... you're mackerel,
then.
me
??? why
slug
is it that hard to believe that
you look like a fish
me
yes!! i'm handsome!!
Chuuya doesn't answer for a long moment, and leaves Dazai a little bit anxious, and a lot bit wanting.
me
chuuya~
slug
what???
me
i'm handsome, right?
slug
...you're not horrendous
Dazai has officially won at life. Passed go, collected two hundred dollars. That's Monopoly. Who cares? Not Dazai.
me
does chuuya have a
crush on me~
His heart pounds as he waits for an answer. Logically, he knows the answer is no. And Dazai is a very logical person. Still it's a little bit disappointing when he gets a response.
slug
ew, no
Ouch.
me
i'm very offended right now
i hope u know that
slug
good. i hate your guts
Dazai's stomach twists unpleasantly. Just as he's about to reply, Fyodor comes back. Dazai isn't about to take any chances, so he lets his phone fall flat against his chest.
"What are you hiding?" Fyodor asks, looking smug. "You are hiding something, right? I could tell as soon as you walked in the door."
"I don't know what you're talking about." Dazai says. Fyodor shakes his head.
"You know you can't fool me." He walks closer. Dazai holds his phone tighter against his chest. "We're evenly matched, after all. So spill."
"No." Dazai says petulantly. Fyodor frowns.
"Do it, or I'll tell everyone about that one time where you started crying because I caught you–"
"Shut up!" Dazai hisses. "The walls could be bugged, or something. You're breaking the rules, anyway. We don't talk about that, remember?"
"It really wasn't as bad as you're making it out to be." Fyodor tells him. "But if you don't tell me what you're hiding I'll tell everyone and you'll be humiliated, so who's really winning?"
"Fine," Dazai groans. "I got a tutor."
That gets a reaction. Fyodor's eyebrows shoot upward. Dazai is pretty sure they might be stuck like that soon if he keeps it up.
"And your tutor… beat you up?"
Dazai nods.
"...You liked it, didn't you."
Dazai gapes at him.
"No," He protests. "No, I didn't. Are you kidding me? I was bleeding all over the place. My nose hurts. It's bruised."
"Oh yeah." Fyodor says, and tosses him a bag of frozen peas. "I got you that. Ice it. Also, don't lie. I heard you giggling like a girl at your phone just now."
"You were eavesdropping on me?!" Dazai gasps, scandalized.
"Don't be dramatic." Fyodor walks over to his own bed and sits down. "You know I eavesdrop on everyone. So who is the unlucky lady?"
"Fuck you, too." Dazai grumbles. "My tutor… Isn't a girl."
He waits for audible disgust, or some sort of insult, but Fyodor just stares at him blankly.
"And?" He retorts. Dazai stares back.
"What do you mean, and?" Dazai asks. "Isn't this the part where you, I don't know, yell at me? Call me disgusting? Kick me out?"
Fyodor's face scrunches up in a way that is very unlike him.
"Why would I do that?" He says it like it's an obvious thing. "This isn't the 60s, Dazai. Gay marriage is legal in America."
"This isn't America, though." Dazai tries. "It's Japan. Gay marriage isn't recognized here."
Fyodor shrugs.
"You can get a union certificate in some cities." He says.
"Why do you know so much about this?" Dazai asks, bewildered.
"Dazai, I thought you were smart." Fyodor says, wrinkling his nose.
"I am." Dazai protests.
"Do I need to carry a rainbow flag around with me, or something?" Fyodor asks. He flops his hand into the symbolic limp wrist position.
Dazai gapes at him.
"What?" He asks, his voice hoarse. "You?"
"Is it really that unclear?" Fyodor snorts.
"I'm just surprised you have it in you to like anyone at all." Dazai says defensively. Fyodor shrugs.
"Yeah, well." He says. "So your tutor. You like him. He beat you up. You liked that, too. Anything else?"
Dazai ponders for a moment, wondering whether or not he should say. Fuck it.
"He thinks I'm dumb." Dazai says. Fyodor looks unimpressed.
"He must be pretty stupid if he thinks that."
"No," Dazai shakes his head. "He thinks that I'm dumb because I'm letting him. I'm failing my classes. He got assigned to be my tutor. I'm pretending I don't know anything about calculus. Simple, really."
"Why are you letting him think that?" Fyodor asks, shock written all over his face. "That's not like you. You have to prove everyone wrong, all of the time."
Dazai shrugs.
"I guess I just…" He trails off. His throat starts to close up. "I don't know. I don't want him to leave. If he's not my tutor, he has no reason to stay in contact with me."
Fyodor is silent, so he continues.
"I know it's stupid, because everyone leaves, in the end, but… I don't know. Something's wrong with me, or something. I must be sick."
"Do you feel sick?" Fyodor asks. Dazai frowns.
"No." He says. "I feel… good."
"That's good, then," Fyodor starts, and Dazai shuts his eyes to brace himself for whatever comes next, because Fyodor isn't that nice. "But you can't keep lying to him forever. He's gonna find out."
Dazai buries his face in his hands and groans.
"I know." He says. "But… I mean, he's gonna leave anyway. I might as well keep him around for as long as I can. Even if I have to lie to do it."
"You're sabotaging yourself." Fyodor points out. Dazai lets out a ragged laugh.
"Aren't I always?" His voice catches in his throat. "Look, I know we like, bonded, when you found me dying on the bathroom floor or something, but you're not my therapist. Just… don't worry about it. Or me, either. I'm not exactly worth it."
He doesn't know why he expects Fyodor to push him when that's not like Fyodor at all, but he does. And all Fyodor has to say is,
"Okay." And then, "I bet you won't last a month."
Dazai feels a grin creeping onto his face. He lowers his hands and finds Fyodor with a similar smile. Dazai loves bets.
"You're on."
The second meeting actually goes significantly better than the first. They decide to meet at a cafe this time, since they're both still suspended from the library. After texting back and forth for a while, Dazai had finally admitted to being ready to get some work done. Dazai is practically vibrating with excitement. He'd spent far too long picking out his outfit and barely made it out the door in time, but he's pleased with what he chose in the end.
He settles for a black turtleneck under his usual coat and a pair of brown slacks, tightened around his waist with a dark brown belt. He wears his business shoes, too. It looks good! He thinks. Maybe. He's never been too torn up about his appearance. He tolerates it, and he's always heard good things, but for the first time in his life, he finds himself… worrying about it. Chuuya had said he wasn't horrendous, which is good, but still.
Oh well. He's going to be late if he doesn't hurry. He practically sprints across campus to the cafe, carrying his calculus textbook tightly in his arms. When he gets there, he's completely out of breath and wheezing, a little. His hair sticks to his forehead with the little bit of sweat there is from all the exertion. He walks inside and searches for that familiar head of red hair.
Once he finds it, he forces himself to walk towards Chuuya with slow, casual steps. Confidence is key, after all.
"Chuuya!" He calls, stopping in front of the table. Chuuya blinks up at him in surprise. "Fancy seeing you here!"
"You're late." Chuuya says, and Dazai frowns.
"Only a little." He sets his books on the table and drops into his seat. "Did you order something yet?"
"I was waiting for you." Chuuya points out. Dazai's lips curl up at the corners. Leave it to Chuuya to be able to make him smile this early into their meeting. "Why are you dressed like that? I thought you were a business major."
"I am!" Dazai says, indignant. "I don't have class today. Plus, it's stylish, right?"
Please say yes. His pulse pounds in his ears.
"Yeah, I guess." Chuuya shrugs, and Dazai's heart sinks a little bit before he recovers.
"Well, let's order." He gets up from his seat and tugs Chuuya out of his. Chuuya protests just a bit before he reluctantly follows. "I'm paying, so get whatever you want."
Chuuya recoils.
"What?" He asks. Then his eyes narrow. "I can pay for myself."
"I'm sure you can," Dazai says, shrugging. "But I owe you for tutoring me, so…"
Chuuya relaxes a little bit at that.
"Oh." He says. "In that case… I'll just have a hot chocolate."
Dazai snorts, unable to help himself. Chuuya glares at him.
"What?" He snaps. Dazai smirks down at him.
"Nothing, nothing." Dazai says. "It's fitting, is all."
"How so?" Chuuya asks, still glaring.
"It's childish." He grins as he watches Chuuya begin to shake with rage. "And you're small. You know, like a child."
"Shut up!" Chuuya hisses. "You said I could get anything!"
Dazai shrugs.
"You can." He turns to the cashier at the counter. "I'll have a large black coffee, and a hot chocolate. Make that one a large, too."
He hands over the bills without much ado, and when he turns, Chuuya is just staring at him.
"Why a large?" Chuuya asks.
"I'm pretty dumb." Dazai lies, keeping his heartbeat steady. It's a neat trick. Perfect for parties, and also for lying to your tutor to hide your massive crush. "So we might be here for a while."
"Oh." Chuuya says. "I don't think you're dumb. You just need some guidance, that's all."
Dazai looks at him softly, smiling a little bit. It's not an expression he has to force. Not around Chuuya.
"You really think I can do it?" Dazai asks. Chuuya nods firmly.
"I think you can do anything, if you set your mind to it." He says.
Dazai's heart flutters.
"Are you sick?" He asks, and Chuuya looks at him with confusion written all over his face. "You're being pretty nice to me. Usually you're trying to break my kneecaps with your bare hands."
Chuuya glares.
"We've met, what, twice? And I only beat you up the second time."
"That's a 50 percent chance!"
Chuuya scoffs, shaking his head.
"Why your kneecaps, anyways?" He asks. A barista calls Dazai's name, and he steps forward to get their drinks. Dazai can't help himself. He grins at Chuuya as he hands him his hot chocolate.
"That's all you would be able to reach at your height."
Chuuya kicks him in the shin. Dazai very nearly spills hot coffee all over himself, but steadies just in time.
"Ow, Chuuya." He whines. "You're abusing me."
"You deserve it." Chuuya says, as they walk back to their table. Dazai hobbles the whole time, even though the kick didn't actually hurt that bad. He'll probably bruise anyway, though. Dazai gasps as they sit down.
"You're victim blaming." He accuses. "I'm calling the authorities. This is domestic violence."
Chuuya flushes red, and Dazai smirks, feeling very pleased with himself.
"We're not dating." Chuuya hisses, and Dazai puts a hand over his heart in mock offense.
"Technically we don't have to be." He says. "All domestic violence means is violence that is domestic."
Chuuya snorts, and Dazai grins.
"Thanks, captain obvious." He sips at his hot chocolate for a moment, letting out a small hum of pleasure. Suddenly it is very hard for Dazai to swallow, because he would very much like to hear that sound again. "For a second there I thought you might actually give me an explanation."
"Is it good?" Dazai croaks out, ignoring everything Chuuya had said. He can't rise to the bait, anyway. He has to pretend he's dumb. For the bet. And also because even though it's only been a week since he met Chuuya, he really, really doesn't want him to leave.
Chuuya looks at him strangely.
"Yeah, it's good." He says. "Now open your book."
Dazai does. He listens to Chuuya on and off for about thirty minutes as he explains something about quadratic formulas that Dazai already knows, and then tries his hand at it sluggishly, making small but deliberate mistakes.
"Did I get it?" He asks, frowning. Chuuya leans over, getting into his personal space, and Dazai swears he stops breathing for just a second. Chuuya makes a few corrections with his pen.
"Almost." He says, and proceeds to point out where Dazai went wrong. The next time Dazai does a similar problem, he makes it look like he's having a hard time, but he gets the answer right.
"How about now?" He asks. Chuuya leans in again, and Dazai's eyes dart down to catch a glimpse of his lips. It would be so easy to lean forward just a little bit and– woah. None of that!
"Good!" Chuuya praises, and Dazai feels warm and fuzzy for a moment before it clears.
"I got it right?" And he knows he did, but for some reason he really, desperately needs Chuuya to affirm it for him.
"Yeah, perfect." Chuuya says, and Dazai can't help himself from shivering. Chuuya leans back and frowns. "Are you cold? Even inside, and with that coat?"
Shit. Dazai doesn't know what to say.
"No," He stumbles over the word pathetically in his hurry to speak. "I'm not cold."
"Oh." Chuuya says. "If you are, it's no problem. We got a lot done, so you can go home now if you want."
"I don't want to go home!" Dazai blurts, without thinking. Chuuya blinks, surprised, and then squints at him. Shit.
"I thought math was boring?" He asks suspiciously, and Dazai holds his breath.
"It is." He admits. "But I did some thinking, and… I don't think I want to fail this semester."
That, at least, he doesn't have to lie about. He wants to stick around Chuuya as long as possible, even if he's a leech that sucks people dry. Chuuya smiles at him, though, and all his negative thoughts are instantly gone. It's like a warm bath on a snowy day. It's bright and clears all his worries away immediately. For a moment, Dazai can't think about anything but that smile.
"I'm glad to hear it." Chuuya says, and then narrows his eyes, his smile falling. "But you still make me wanna punch you."
Dazai's heart sinks a little bit, but he covers it up with a bright grin.
"Can you reach?" He teases, and Chuuya scowls at him.
"Can it," Chuuya says. "Or I'll give you another bloody nose. This time I'll actually break it."
"Go for it," Dazai says without thinking, breathlessly. Chuuya stares at him like he's gone crazy, so he plays it off. "I'd like to see you try."
Chuuya glares at him again. Good. He's a good actor.
"It's like you want me to hurt you, or something." He grumbles. Dazai can't help but laugh at that. It's bitter, though, not the genuine laugh that Chuuya had pulled so easily from him just last week.
"One thing you should know about me, Chuuya," He murmurs. "Is that I hate pain."
"Could have fooled me," Chuuya says, raising an eyebrow. "I punched you in the nose and tried to strangle you, and you laughed."
Dazai shrugs.
"It was funny!"
"I was surprised." Chuuya tells him, his voice serious. Dazai looks at him curiously.
"Why?" He asks. He expects a normal answer. He expects Chuuya to say something like, who laughs like that when their nose is bleeding? Or something similar.
"Because you looked like you hadn't known you were able to laugh at all."
Dazai hadn't been expecting that. He doesn't know how to respond. He just sits there in silence, staring at Chuuya, with nothing to say. Because it's true. He had felt that way, and Chuuya had seen through it. Maybe he isn't as good of an actor as he'd thought. Panic begins to swell in his chest, but it vanishes when Chuuya clears his throat, smiling apologetically at him.
"Sorry," He says. "That's not really something you should bring up on a first date, is it?"
He's very clearly trying to joke, so Dazai takes it and runs with it, ever so grateful for the out Chuuya has given him.
"So you admit it!" He crows, leaning forward. "This is a date!"
Chuuya turns bright red and starts stammering, and it's really, really cute.
"I was joking!" Chuuya protests.
"Chuuya likes me!" Dazai sing-songs. "Chuuya likes me, Chuuya likes me!"
"Shut up, idiot!" Chuuya hisses. "Someone might hear you! Besides, I told you already, I hate your guts!"
Dazai smirks at him, all his woes forgotten.
"Could've fooled me," He parrots, and Chuuya glares at him. "You've been so nice to me today!"
"Yeah, because I'm a good tutor!" Chuuya says. "And no other reason. If I had my way, I'd never see your face again, but I made a promise to Oda-sensei."
Oh. Right. Dazai tries to smile, but it feels forced. He doesn't think Chuuya notices. Too bad for Chuuya. Dazai is good at acting, and he has something to prove to Fyodor. He plans to keep Chuuya around for a long time. As long as possible before the inevitable.
"Yeah, well." Dazai responds. "If I pass my final at the end of the semester, you'll never have to see me again. How about that?"
"Sounds good to me!"
"Good."
"Good."
They stare each other down for a moment before Chuuya gets flustered and breaks eye contact. Dazai sits back in his chair, grinning.
"I win!" He says, and Chuuya's gaze snaps back to him.
"Win what?" He snaps.
"Our staring contest." Dazai explains, like he hadn't just made it up. "I win."
"That wasn't a staring contest!" Chuuya protests. "You didn't tell me! It doesn't count!"
"Oh yeah?" Dazai asks, leaning forward and resting his chin on his folded hands. "Why were you staring at me like that, then?"
Chuuya looks away, unable to answer, and Dazai feels the sweet, sweet rush of success.
"Just admit it, Chuuya," He croons. "You like me."
You like this, don't you?
The thought crashes into his head suddenly and without his permission, and he freezes. Chuuya doesn't seem to notice, yelling about how he doesn't, how he hates Dazai, but Dazai is frozen, stuck.
"Hey, Dazai!" Chuuya snaps, and Dazai shakes himself out of whatever funk he'd fallen into. As much as he tries to look angry, Chuuya just looks worried. Dazai feels panic rear its ugly head again. He's worried Chuuya. He's not acting well enough. "You're not even listening to me!"
Dazai cracks a grin that he hopes doesn't look as shaky as it feels.
"Sorry," He teases. "I can't hear you from up here. You'll have to get a ladder so I can hear you better."
"Shut up." Chuuya grumbles. "I said we're done here, anyways. Look, you completed the worksheet."
Oh. He had. Well, good, then. Except it's not good, because now he has to go home and actually think about his existence. He frowns, trying to come up with an idea to stick around. Then he gets one.
"Hey!" He exclaims, standing up abruptly. "What do you say we get a drink to celebrate?"
"Celebrate what?" Chuuya asks.
"My decision to not fail out of college! Drinks are on me!" Then, just to seal the deal. "And in case you don't want to deal with me on your own, you can invite anyone you want! How about that?"
"Well…" Chuuya trails off like he's actually thinking about it, and Dazai has to pinch himself to calm his nerves. "Alright. I have a few friends I'd like to hang out with. You're sure it's cool if I ask them?"
Dazai frowns.
"Of course!" He says. He'd really rather spend time with Chuuya alone, but if this is what it takes to keep him around, he's willing to sacrifice that. "I'll invite some people too, and we can all hang out together!"
By some people, he means Ranpo and Yosano, and definitely not Fyodor.
"Okay." Chuuya agrees, and pulls out his phone, likely texting his friends. Dazai does the same. He texts Ranpo and Yosano at the same time, with the same offer.
me
drinks on me at beast
beneath the moonlight!!
don't bring anyone
but urselves
i know how to
hide a body
yosano
all the more reason to bring
someone. we can have
a murder party
ranpo
what's in it for me if I
help commit the murder
me
ranpo!! for shame!! ur disgracing
ur criminal justice major!
ranpo
what's in it for me dazai
me
...i'll buy u those ricecakes u
like.
ranpo
the gourmet ones?
Dazai sighs, pouting.
me
yes, the gourmet ones
ranpo
deal.
yosano
hey, i want a reward too!
me
ur reward is my presence
yosano
pass
me
and free drinks
yosano
deal.
"What are you smiling so much about?" Chuuya asks, breaking Dazai out of his thoughts.
"I'm convincing my friends to commit a murder." He says. "Wanna join?"
He bites at his lip to hide a grin as he watches the words register in Chuuya's head. His gaze turns suspicious.
"I'm not the victim, am I?" He asks, narrowing his eyes.
"Chuuyaaa!" Dazai wails. "You think so little of me. Why would I ever want to kill you?"
"So you can successfully flunk out of college." Chuuya deadpans, and Dazai wheezes, trying to contain his laugh. "I can't imagine wanting to ever kill a human being, so no, I'll pass."
"Not even me?" Dazai asks, and Chuuya falters. Dazai makes sure to smile extra wide when he says it to cover up for the little nugget of truth hidden in that question.
"You don't count." Chuuya scoffs. Oh. Oh, ow.
"You wound me." Dazai jokes, but it's half-hearted. Because it's true. That did hurt. But he can't show it, because he's not about to get weepy on Chuuya and ruin their night together. He'll keep it together until it's over, and then he'll go home and not feel anything at all. Again.
"Beast Beneath the Moonlight, right?" Chuuya asks, breaking Dazai out of his misery. Dazai nods.
"That's the one!" He says. "It's nearby, so we can just walk over."
"Cool," Chuuya says. "You don't really look like you're about to go clubbing, though."
Dazai looks down at himself and then back at Chuuya.
"You're not much better." He quips, and Chuuya glares at him.
"My clothes aren't tacky!" He huffs, as they pick up their books and get ready to leave. "Hey, what do we do with our books?"
"Oh, that." Dazai says, shrugging. "Ranpo has a car, so we can put them in there. It's funny, because he has no idea how to board a train, but he's a fantastic driver."
Chuuya snorts, and tries to hide his laugh behind his hand, but Dazai catches it anyway, because he'd been watching. It's hard not to. Chuuya is beautiful.
"Don't believe me?" Dazai asks, teasing.
"You look like you would be a good liar." Chuuya responds. If only you knew, Dazai thinks bitterly.
They make it to the club rather quickly, and Dazai knows just where to find Ranpo's car, so he skips ahead to do just that. Chuuya follows and tugs at the door handle.
"It's locked." He says, frowning when it doesn't budge. Dazai grins and pulls a pin out of his pocket. Chuuya's eyes widen. "You're not going to…"
But Dazai is going to. In fact, he already has. It's over much too quickly for Chuuya to do anything about it, and the door pops open with another tug of the handle. Dazai drops all their books on the passenger seat and leans back, his hands on his hips. He closes the door firmly with his foot, and tilts his head to look at Chuuya, still grinning. Chuuya stares at him.
"Are you sure he won't know?" Chuuya asks, anxiously. Dazai clicks his tongue.
"Oh, he'll definitely know." He says, and Chuuya looks dismayed. "He's a criminal justice major, after all."
Now Chuuya looks downright horrified. He kicks Dazai in the shin again, and Dazai winces.
"Are you trying to get us arrested?" Chuuya hisses. Dazai shrugs.
"Chuuya, I planned a murder with this guy not thirty minutes ago. He's not going to sell me out for lockpicking."
Chuuya hardly looks appeased. He looks around anxiously for his friends, so Dazai takes his hand– it's cold out, early spring, but Chuuya's skin is scalding against his own– and tugs him towards the club.
"They'll be inside," Dazai explains, as they enter. And he's right. Which isn't a surprise, because everything he predicts comes true, which is how Dazai knows that he's going to lose Chuuya, eventually. Might as well make the most of it while he's got it, right?
There's a boy with silver hair, and a girl with pink sitting at the bar when they walk in. Chuuya points to them, and Dazai escorts him over, still holding his hand.
"Hi!" He exclaims, lifting a hand to wave, putting on his friendliest act. "I'm Dazai! I'm Chuuya's student! It's nice to meet you both!"
The girl eyes where their hands are linked, and immediately Chuuya breaks the contact, pulling his hand away.
"You didn't have to pull me over here." He grumbles. Dazai doesn't let his smile waver, even if his hand itches to reach out and grab Chuuya's again.
"What are your names?" He prompts, breathless. He's unsure of what to do. He's never really been good with people. And they're both looking at him with such suspicion that it's making him anxious. He pinches his leg through his slacks to distract himself.
"Yuan." The girl says, shortly. Dazai's smile falters. What's her problem?
The boy reaches his hand, offering a handshake.
"I'm Shirase." He says. "It's nice to meet you."
Dazai smiles again.
"Likewise."
Then he turns around, scanning the club for his friends. If you could call them that. Dazai doesn't really do friends. Yosano and Ranpo are just two people he knows and gets along with decently. And they plan murders together, sometimes. That's mostly Yosano's fault, though.
"Yosano!" He calls, when he spots her. "Over here!"
She looks stunning, but Dazai isn't into her that way. Never has been. He opened his mouth the day of orientation and she'd given him a verbal beat down. Even so, they quickly became partners in everything but crime. Yosano struts over with Ranpo trailing behind her, and puts her hands on her hips.
"Dazai," She drawls. "Who's this? Introduce us."
Dazai grins.
"This, Yosano dearest, is my lovely tutor, Nakahara Chuuya. Chuuya, this is Yosano Akiko and Edogawa Ranpo, my two partners in crime."
Ranpo clicks his tongue.
"I'm an unwilling accomplice in this." He says, but offers his hand out to Chuuya anyway. Chuuya shakes it and lets it go fairly quickly.
"Tutor?" Yosano asks, eyes boring holes into Dazai's skin. "Since when do you need a tutor, Dazai?"
"Since I started failing calculus." Dazai counters, and pretends he doesn't see Ranpo watching the whole thing go down with an amused expression on his face. Yosano's face scrunches up.
"Why are you failing calculus?" She asks. "You and I both know–"
"I'd rather not talk about this right now, Akiko!" Dazai declares, still grinning. It's sharper now, though. Yosano narrows her eyes. "Please don't humiliate me by proclaiming my failure to the entire club."
"Fine." Yosano sniffs. "But we're talking about this later."
Dazai dreads that talk.
"It's nice to meet you both." Chuuya offers. "Like Dazai said, I'm Chuuya. This is Yuan and Shirase."
Yosano eyes the two of them suspiciously, but her eyes linger on Yuan the longest, sizing her up.
"Hmm, yes." She says, words pointed. "How nice." Then she turns back to Dazai, raising an eyebrow. "I was promised free drinks."
"That you were!" Dazai agrees, and waves his hand to call over the bartender. He hops up onto a barstool and holds up a wad of bills from his pocket. "A round, please!"
He pretends he doesn't notice Yuan staring daggers into his back, or that Shirase's eyes are wide with wonder.
"Holy shit, Chuuya." He says. "This guy is loaded."
"Quiet, Shirase!" Chuuya hisses. Too late. Dazai has already heard him.
"Oh, that." He says, nonchalant. Yosano and Ranpo grab their drinks and Ranpo smiles. That bastard. Such a gossiper. "I'm a trust fund baby!"
"Wow." Yuan says, her voice rather cold. "I'd guess you've never worked a day in your life, have you?"
Yosano glares at her, but Dazai just shrugs.
"You'd be correct!" He says. "I was a ward of the state for a while, so I never really had much time to get a decent job. And why would I need to, anyways? Mommy and Daddy dearest did all the work for me!"
He sees Chuuya mouth ward of the state out of the corner of his good eye and readies himself for another round of questions. He doesn't get any. Not from Chuuya, anyway.
"So your parents are dead?" Shirase asks, and Dazai isn't all too torn up about it anymore, so he just nods emphatically, still smiling. "That's… sad."
Dazai waves a hand around to dismiss it, but Yuan speaks up next.
"How nice for you," She says, voice saccharine, fakely sweet. "That you had so much money ready for you after they were gone."
Shirase frowns.
"I don't think that his parents dying was a nice thing." He mumbles, and Yuan glares at him. Dazai takes a sip of his whiskey before he answers her.
"Oh, I'm living the life," He says, grinning at her. She looks furious at that, for whatever goddamn reason. "It wasn't all mine at first though. I didn't have it until I turned eighteen."
"Oh, and I bet life was so hard for you before then, wasn't it?"
"It tends to be hard when your parents die." Dazai says absent-mindedly, swirling the whiskey in his glass around. "So yes, I'd say so."
Chuuya pokes Yuan.
"What's up with you?" He whispers heatedly. Oh. Dazai raises his eyebrows. Then he smirks. Chuuya, his knight in shining armor.
"What are the bandages for." Yuan demands. It's not a question. It's a ploy to make Dazai uncomfortable, and it works. He stiffens on his seat for a moment before he forces himself to relax. But she catches it. A soft smirk plays on her lips. What a shame. She'd be attractive if she didn't have such an ugly personality. Dazai plasters a fake grin on his face.
"I'd really rather not talk about that here," He tells her, taking another sip. "It might kill the mood."
"You think talking about dead parents doesn't kill the mood?" Yuan snaps. "It's already done, so just answer already."
"Yuan!" Chuuya snaps, and Yuan looks over at him in shock. "It's none of our business! He doesn't have to talk about it if he doesn't want to!"
"You want to know, right?" Dazai asks. Yuan nods, ignoring Chuuya's hiss of her name. "You sure you wanna hear about all of my many, many suicide attempts?"
It's loud in the club, but their circle goes completely silent. Yuan looks shocked. Chuuya and Shirase look horrified. Yosano and Ranpo watch on, all-knowing forces in the universe.
"I can show you, if you'd like." Dazai offers, grinning. "If you wanna see how I did it."
"That's not necessary." Shirase says, looking faint.
"No wonder you're failing." Yuan says, hesitantly. But Dazai knows what she's about to say. He grins wider. "You fail at everything, don't you? You can't even kill yourself properly."
Smack.
The sound resounds throughout the club, and several patrons nearby look startled. Dazai is startled, too. Yuan stands, holding her cheek, staring at her attacker in shock. Staring at Chuuya, her friend, who had just slapped her in the face in public, all over some guy he hates. It would be hilarious, if Dazai weren't so shocked. He hadn't predicted that.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Chuuya asks her, lowly. "Why would you say something like that?!"
"You've known him for a week, Chuuya," Yuan says petulantly. "And he's already clinging onto you like he's someone important, but he's not. I'm important."
"Look, Yuan," Chuuya seethes. "He might not be important to you, or to me, but he's still a fucking human being. Would you say that to anyone else in this club? Look at me."
"Well, no, but–"
"But what?" This time it's Yosano who speaks up. She's been glaring at Yuan the whole time, but now she's actually acting, which has Dazai a bit concerned. Not because he hadn't predicted it, but because it seems like their murder plans might become very probable if he doesn't get a hold on the situation.
"But look at him!" Yuan shouts. "He's not even human! He didn't look the least bit sad when he said his parents were dead! He's not human, he's a psychopath!"
Dazai catches Yosano's wrist before she can add a mark to Yuan's other cheek.
"Yosano, dearest, you're wearing rings." He chides. She is. He'd rather avoid the mess of permanently ruining Yuan's face only because of a few choice words. Yosano exhales shakily and steps back. "Besides, she's actually not wrong." Everyone in the circle looks at him, some more horrified than others. "I haven't felt human in a very long time."
"I think we should go." Shirase mumbles. If he looked faint before, he looks like he's on death's door now. Oops. "Come on, Yuan. Let's get out of here. Chuuya, are you coming?"
Despite his initial horror, now Chuuya just looks… sad. It makes Dazai's heart squeeze in his chest. He hadn't wanted that. Not at all.
"Go ahead without me." Chuuya says, surprising him. "I'm staying here."
Shirase and Yuan leave without another word. Dazai downs the remainder of his whiskey and slams the glass down on the counter. Not hard enough to break it, of course, but enough to make a decent amount of noise.
"Another!" He exclaims, grinning. So tonight hadn't gone quite as he'd planned. Oh well. There's always next time. Besides, Chuuya is still here.
Ranpo whistles beside him.
"What a show." He says. "I haven't seen you face off against someone like that in a long time, Dazai. How are you feeling, tiger?"
Dazai winks at him.
"Just peachy." He's actually a little bit shaken, but no one needs to know that. Ranpo probably already knows, because he's Ranpo, but hopefully Dazai isn't so transparent that Yosano and Chuuya can tell that he's having trouble. "I'm actually gonna head outside for a smoke. Catch you later!"
That's a dead giveaway. He doesn't actually smoke. Tried it once, didn't like it. It's too slow of a way to die. Yosano frowns at him, but Ranpo tugs her away, murmuring something about letting it be. Dazai snorts. Words of wisdom, huh?
He doesn't touch his new drink, instead opting to head out the back door into the alleyway. He closes it behind him and breathes in the sharp cold of the night air. It's a relief, a shock to his system that he'd desperately needed, after whatever the hell that shitshow was. He pinches the skin of the back of his hand viciously to clear his head, but it doesn't stop his breathing from turning shaky, then ragged.
He pulls his knees up and sticks his head between them. He's okay. He's got coping skills now, or whatever. He's safe and fine and still breathing. He squares his breaths. Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for four, hold again, rinse and repeat. Eventually his breathing is steady enough that he can relax, removing his head from between his knees and knocking it back against the wall. He closes his eyes and tells himself that for the next few days, he'll take it easy. Ditch class. Eat ice cream. Something like that.
Except for one thing. He doesn't want to disappoint Chuuya. The thought makes him frown. What's wrong with him? He's never been this fixated on a person before, least of all someone he hardly knows. What makes Chuuya so special?
"I was surprised, because you looked like you hadn't known you could laugh at all."
Because for all of the acting that Chuuya can't see through, he can always tell things like that. He looked sad. When Dazai told the truth, said he wasn't human, he looked sad. The thought doesn't sit right in Dazai's stomach. He only has a moment of silence longer before the door opens. He cracks open an eye, expecting Yosano, but both of his eyes go wide when he sees Chuuya there, instead.
"What are you doing here?" He asks, bewildered. Chuuya just stares at him, unimpressed.
"You don't even smoke, do you?" His voice isn't pitying. Dazai doesn't know what he'd do with himself if it was. He hates pity. He'd hated Fyodor the most for the few weeks that he actually treated Dazai nicely, because it was all out of obligation. But this isn't that. This is Chuuya. Chuuya, who he's known for a week, who knows him even when he doesn't know him.
"How'd you guess?" Dazai jokes, cracking a grin. It probably looks terribly fake. His mask is cracking. He looks away. He doesn't want Chuuya to see it.
"I'm sorry." Chuuya says, in lieu of an answer. Dazai jolts, forgetting to hide his face, and looks up at him.
"What for?" He asks, genuinely confused.
"Yuan." It's not exactly deadpan, but close, as if to say what else? "She's not usually like that. I don't know what's gotten into her. But she shouldn't have said all that shit."
Dazai stares up at him in awe before he chuckles.
"You didn't have to hit her, though." He says. "She's a girl, Chuuya. You're not supposed to hit girls."
Chuuya just shrugs.
"She can handle it." Then, "Can I sit?"
Dazai scoots over to make room on the doorstep.
"Go for it."
"Why did you invite me here, Dazai?" Chuuya asks, and Dazai stiffens. "And be honest."
"I guess…" Dazai starts, but he's having a hard time finding the right words. "You're my tutor, right? I guess I just wanted to get to know you. I don't… have very many friends."
Chuuya looks at him, confused.
"What about Ranpo and Yosano?" He asks. Dazai waves his hand dismissively.
"They're just acquaintances." He says. "Yosano gave me emergency stitches when I was bleeding out on the bathroom floor of my dorm. Ranpo helped clean up. We're close, kind of, but we're not friends."
"They look like your friends to me." Chuuya murmurs. "So, what? You want me to be your friend, or something?" Dazai doesn't look at him. "...Do you?"
"It doesn't matter." Dazai brushes him off. "You hate me anyways, right? And I wouldn't want to force my friendship on you after what happened with Yuan. I don't think she'd want us getting too close."
The way she'd glared at their joined hands sticks in his head.
"She'll come around." Chuuya says. "But I won't force you to be her friend, either, or anything. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgive her for what she said."
Dazai shrugs.
"It was all true, though." Chuuya suddenly looks very offended.
"You don't actually think that, right?" He asks. Dazai stares at him blankly. "That you're not… you know, human?"
Dazai doesn't know how to tell him that yes, he does.
"You are." Chuuya tells him. "You are human. You're a living, breathing human being, just like me, and Shirase, and fucking Yuan– you're human, okay?"
"I don't even feel things." Dazai says. It's not really much of an argument, but it's all he's got.
"I don't think that's true." Chuuya responds. Dazai rests his head on his knees and looks at Chuuya curiously.
"Tell me what else you think, Chuuya." He breathes out. "I want to hear it."
Chuuya's Adam's apple bobs as he swallows.
"I think last Monday was the first time you remember yourself ever genuinely laughing." He says. "I think that scares you."
"I'm not afraid of anything." Dazai says, shakily.
"I think you're lying." Chuuya tells him, patient. He doesn't sound upset, or anything, but Dazai tenses up anyway, afraid that the cat is out of the bag. "I think you feel things, and it scares you that you do, because you think feeling things gets you hurt."
"What do you know?" Dazai asks, weakly.
"I don't know anything." Chuuya offers. "But you told me to tell you what I think, so I am. What do you think, Dazai?"
"I think I'm gonna be sick." Dazai says, his throat closing up. "I think I wanna go home."
"Let's go, then." Chuuya says, helping him up. He isn't actually sick, which is a relief, because Ranpo is driving him home and he'd really prefer not to throw up in his car. He doesn't think Ranpo would forgive him if he had to clean up another one of Dazai's messes.
Chuuya actually helps him all the way up to his floor, because Dazai's legs feel limp like noodles after his sudden revelation that actually, maybe he does feel things after all. Chuuya knocks on his door and Fyodor opens it, looking not at all amused about the situation.
"Is he drunk?" He asks, as Chuuya helps Dazai inside. Dazai vaguely catches the shake of Chuuya's head in his peripheral vision as he leads Dazai to his bed. "Do I even wanna know?"
"Probably not." Dazai hears Chuuya say. "You're the roommate, right?"
"Fyodor Dostoevsky." Fyodor says. Dazai suddenly has a realization that a) Fyodor is not actually bad looking, b) Fyodor is gay, and c) he is talking to Chuuya right now. His entire brain protests at that idea, because only he gets to be gay for Chuuya. "And you are?"
Dazai has to stop this right now. He tries to say something, but his brain is mush. Trauma response, the part of it that's left tells him. All he manages is a wordless groan. Shit.
"Nakahara Chuuya." Chuuya says. Dazai closes his eyes, miserable. He can only see out of one of them anyway, so it doesn't really matter. "I'm Dazai's tutor. It's nice to meet you."
Shit. Dazai hadn't thought this through. If Fyodor decides to tell Chuuya, the bet is over, and he's lost. He can't afford to let that happen.
"The tutor, huh?" Fyodor asks, and Dazai succumbs to his fate. As he's drifting into unconsciousness, he thinks he hears Fyodor say one last thing. "Take care of him."
But that could have been Chuuya, too. It doesn't matter, because Dazai is already asleep, and he definitely won't remember that that conversation had even happened in the morning.
His sleep is dreamless. It's good.