"Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to announce that flight BR1234 to Bangkok is now ready for boarding. Passengers for this flight are requested to proceed to Gate A1. Please be sure to bring all your carry-on baggage with you. Thank you."
I grab the rest of my bags, throwing the empty coffee cup by the trash can as I walk towards the boarding gate.
There are lives built on certainty, people who never have to second guess their own reflection. Their love stories are simple, clean.
Lined with approval and family brunches and rings that don't feel like chains.
And then there are people like me.
People who learned early how to carry secrets like perfume just enough to linger, never enough to choke. I was never taught how to want out loud. I was taught how to make everyone else comfortable and just when I forget my rules, when the future is out of focus. For a while, I let myself believe. I choose me like the world is fair.
But it's not. And I'll go back, I always do.
Because people like me don't get forever.
We get windows, accidents, nights in someone else's arms pretending we belong in the shadows.
Some people are born with permission. The rest of us find back doors in cities that don't know our names.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Eva Airways welcomes you to Bangkok. The local time is 5pm. For your safety and the safety of those around….." I take out my bag from the overhead compartment walking out of the aircraft. Sigh, I know this isn't forever.
The heat hit me as soon as I step out of Suvarnabhumi Airport, dense, wet and unapologetic. I feel my phone buzz in my hand.
"Landed safe? Don't forget to send us venue ideas, we're so excited." Mom.
I stare at the message, heart clenching, and thumbs still. The smile that had started to form vanishes.
Then quietly, I lock my phone without replying. Not yet. Maybe later. Maybe not at all.
"Sawadee krub ma'am, Taxi?" I'm pulled out of my thoughts. Staring at me is a middle aged man with one hand gripping a faded plastic sign that reads "Taxi Meter." His shirt is wrinkled, half untucked, and clinging to him in the heat like it's just as tired. His smile is quick, practiced, more survival than warmth. "Taxi" he says again, lifting the sign slightly, his accent soft but sure, rehearsed. I reach for my phone, "Novotel, bangkok, um si..siam square" I inform him of my destination.
The taxi smells faintly of spice and coconut-sweet air freshener. The driver didn't speak much English, I didn't speak Thai. But the silence felt better than conversation. I lean my head against the window, watching the city grow louder and brighter with every mile.
The streets blur past, tuk tuks, lanterns, and a girl riding pillion on a motorbike with her arms wide like wings. The sky darken and the neon signs in alphabets I couldn't read were in display like coded warnings.
Second skin. A gold neon sign displayed in front of a bar makes me sit up. Neon lips hang above the entrance, half melted, seductive. Then the taxi turned, and it was gone. I lean back in my seat, my eyes moving round the redecorated space in little shades of colors poking out, the driver lightly humming a tune, so I close my eyes. Everything breath differently, louder, closer like it was daring me to mess up a little.
And I, well, I was ready to mess up a little.
"Here sir, keep the change, Khob khun ka" Here sir, keep the change, Thank you. The little minutes I spent learning those emergency words was fruitful.
"Khob khun ka" He waves back at me before driving off. I turn to look at the hotel, exactly as it was in the pictures. Pushing through the glass doors, I am immediately met with a cool breath of air that cuts through the Bangkok heat. The lobby gleams. Polished marble floors reflect soft yellow lights, and everything smells faintly of lemongrass and something expensive.
"Hello, I booked a room last month under Anya Takanashi" I say to the receptionist with long wavy hair standing behind the reception desk curved like it was designed to impress. Smiling, I look back at the other receptionist beside her. Short black hair, drop gold earrings shimmering like fireflies, and a stare that didn't flinch when our eyes met the moment I walked in. Not even for a second.
"Oi" She breaks contact. Her eyes laden in pain and confusion, turns to look at her colleague. "The keycard!" She whispers as she nudges the blushing lady. Hurriedly, she looks at the system and grabs a key from behind meeting eyes with mine. Almost immediately, she stands a little straighter, regaining composure.
"Top floor ma'am" Raising my eyebrow in surprise, I grab my keycard while walking away with a smile. Cute. The background hum of clinking glasses from the lobby bar and the low, jazzy music floating through the air gives everything a strange sense of ease. Like time moves slower here.
I stand by the elevator with my luggage when I notice a couple walk over, they stand behind me, also waiting. Hands linked, a ring on the fourth finger of their left hand. Engaged?
Ding. I'm in the elevator, watching the floors thick upward in silence.
"Teerak, didn't you remember?" My eyes shift to the source of the sound. "Huh, is there something else today aside from your birthday?" The taller woman tilts her head towards the shorter woman in confusion.
My eyes can't help but stare at their now linked arms once again. "Really Faye?!" Suddenly, she unlinks their arms and shifts two steps away from the taller woman, Faye, turning her head elsewhere. She's definitely frowning, looks like someone forgot something important. I lean back, openly staring at the couple. We were the only people in the elevator with them standing in front of me.
"I didn't Lingling, of course I know it's our anniversary. I wanted us to celebrate it at home, just you and me" Faye nudges Lingling gently. Oh, a surprise. I watch as she takes Lingling hands into hers softly caressing it, they both stare at each other lost in their world.
LOST IN THEIR WORLD.
"I wouldn't forget the day you choose me Lingling" Leaning in towards Lingling she says.
"Achoo!" I wipe my nose. They both stare at me as if they just noticed another person in the elevator. Staring at the couple, I squeeze a smile, "Cold" I cuddle myself then point in the air, referencing to the temperature.
Ding. Lingling gently hits Faye on her arm as they walk out of the elevator, "Sometimes I forget why I even married you" she links their arms together.
Married.
The elevator closes and I sigh. What a day. My mind flicker back to the couple and I sigh again. I look up, almost there. Ding. I walk out of the lift, the quiet hallway carpeted in axminster, pulling my luggage. Some people get lifetimes, some of us only get two months and a few lies.
Room P101, the glass framed sign that read my room number glowed. I swipe the card on the reader and the door opens with a soft beep. The air inside the suite is cooler, quieter and everything smells faintly of fresh linen and jasmine. I walk past the sleek minibar and step into the bedroom, the dark wood floors, smooth under my shoes. I cross to the window and push aside the curtain, Bangkok sprawls beneath me. The red tail lights crawling through the street below, billboards flicker and dance across high rises. By the time I finally settle in, I feel a bit sticky so I walk into the bathroom. Feeling tired, I let myself fall into the bed.
Later, I'll go back. I'll smile through dinners and say yes to their plans. But for now, I just want to feel like I did, once.