It has been a month now, and I have gained some understanding of the situation. First and foremost, I have been truly reborn. The body I inhabit has changed significantly, and to put it bluntly, we are not cooperating. While my mind is still stable and sane - being a 23-year-old woman with a full grasp of the situation - my body seems to be that of a disabled infant, who is also clearly male. While my mind is fine, this body is certainly not keeping up with its processes. Maybe they are too complicated for it. I have never realized just how stressful life is for a newborn baby. Not only are you almost blind, but you also don't understand a single thing around you, and everything you feel stings. My situation is worse because the body I have refuses to move, except for my head, so I am basically entirely dependent on others. I have never felt more powerless in my life, and this entire process can only be described as a living hell. The only joy I have is soothing from my caretaker, who is the midwife Canalyse. Thanks to her relentless care, I have been able to calm down somewhat and at least start to analyze my surroundings and try to make some sense of everything that has been happening to me.
As I already explained, the midwife who assisted with my birth is Canalyse, with whom I interact almost all the time now. Canalyse is about 23-25, which puts her around the same age as the old me. Judging from the way she is dressed—a plain, simple bone-white linen skirt with at least two other layers of linen clothing under it, accompanied by leather lace-up boots—this world is certainly not modern.
The walls are made of cut-down pine, with thin glass windows. I have seen the roof once, and it was made from simple hay. That information gave me the fact that shocked me the most - this world was medieval, or some form of it.
At first, I thought I was born in medieval Europe, possibly in the eastern regions, but no, this is clearly not any country I know. I can confirm this because of the simple fact that Canalyse uses magic. She uses magic almost constantly, mostly to seemingly try to find what is wrong with me and if it can be cured. She has some protective or healing ability that she casts on me, although the mechanisms behind it are a mystery to me. Still, when I saw her use magic, I immediately knew - this isn't my homeworld. But unfortunately, he magic isn't doing anything to me, except for the fact that I have not been sick, which is a blessing in its own right.
As a midwife, she is certainly skilled. I like to play with her apricot orange hair, which has a smooth, pleasant texture. I also want to eat it. She seemingly finds that cute.
You are also probably asking about my parents. From what I gathered, my parents are named Elias and Anasa, and they are even younger than Canalyse, who seems to be their senior.
If I were to guess, they are about 19. Anasa's dark eyes, always covered by her raven hair, are always looking at me with disdain. From what this poor infant could grasp - it is surprisingly quick to pick up at least some words - Anasa suffers from a heavy case of postpartum depression and doesn't want me. She becomes aggressive when I am brought into her proximity (this is why I am mainly under the care of the midwife).
It is a shame that I cannot fully utilize my skills as a psychology major in this state - I have researched this topic quite extensively, as any woman would. However, as I can't even speak, I can merely observe her suffering from behind the closed doors and rely entirely on Canalyse.
I have to say, meeting my mother in this world was terrifying. I remember it very well and probably will never forget it. She lashed out at me, although I couldn't quite make out her words, and Elias had to intervene.
Elias is a miller, and unlike Anasa, he has strawberry blonde hair. He is a gentle person who comes to visit me every day and tries to soothe me. He feeds me and looks after me; however, I strangely feel very little warmth from him. He seems almost like a doll, as if all of his movements were mechanical. He wraps his arms around me, yes, but I don't connect with him the same way I do with Canalyse. Perhaps it's because this body is a boy and has a reflex that has already determined Canalyse as its mother. I don't know for sure.
There is also the fact that I have a twin sister named Aer. She was seemingly born on the same day as me, and doesn't suffer from my condition. She is a healthy, normal baby, which our mother hyperfixates on. I have to say, while I am sympathetic to her condition, this pains me dearly. I am not sure why she hates me so much, considering I've just entered this world, and why she spoils my sister, whom she keeps away from me. And the worst thing is, I can neither speak nor move.
It's a living nightmare.
For example, the only way I can get some stimulation - God, how I miss my phone! - is when Canalyse picks me up and carries me around the mill. I am slowly growing insane from having to count all the cracks on the pine of the ceiling. Remember, I can't even turn around, so I am continually laying on my back, more often than not in my poop. And so I stare at the ceiling, counting the cracks on the pines. I have calculated that the pine directly above me has 4561 cracks. The pine next to it has 3124. And the one close to the window has 5612. The most effective way to pass the time so far has been to sleep, which this body does a lot.
Yes, I am slowly losing my mind. And this leads me to fixate on Canalyse.
When she talks to me, I can get some grasp of this nonsense. However, the stuff she tells me is trivial. Or, as I try to grasp the language, our conversations are...dull.
I never imagined that the talks adults have with infants could be so boring. Most of our interactions include words like: "There. There," and "Oh, someone is hungry," followed by close: "Oh nooo, we have a mess here, don't we?"
As you can see, I am eager to be at least a year old in this world, so I will be able to speak.
I am also desperately hoping she will find a cure for my condition. As of now, I am nothing more than a lifeless teddy bear. My whole body is extra weight. I have been reincarnated in a new world, and it seems the only way I get to explore it will be with my eyes.
She has also been trying to heal me with flowers, seemingly trying methods outside of magic. Canalyse brings them from somewhere, maybe from the garden outside. She always spreads them out in my bed, or makes a drink from them I have in a makeshift bottle - the only thing I drink besides breastmilk. Their medical knowledge is almost laughable. I am not certain, but I believe that I have a spinal injury, probably from the chain - flowers aren't going to cut it. But I cannot blame poor Canalyse for trying. It seems she has some education, definitely higher than my parents. A fairly critical moment arose when Canalyse herself fell ill, and it was being decided how to handle the situation, as there seemed to be some fear from Elias that she could infect us. And therefore, for two days, I was entirely in Elias's care.
While he tried his best, I was terrified - I couldn't handle the fact that Canalyse was away from me, and cried almost constantly. It was a strong emotional pull. I never experienced anything like that in my previous life. Or maybe I have, but I don't remember it. I truly felt as if my dearest person was just ripped away from my story without ever coming back.
I imagine this is how dogs feel when their owners are gone for the workday.
My crying that day was so strong, it summoned my biological mother, who had been avoiding me until then. Elias was tired after trying to soothe me all night, and he fell asleep next to the fireplace. Anasa came with my sister sucking up on her tit. She looked at my cradle and stared directly at me. The face she made was awful. It was pure hate. It was the same face my father had when I saw him sitting in that prison. But why? At first, I really thought it was irrational - just a hormonal, emotional reaction. But no. It was clearly something else.
She leaned toward me like a predator. Like a sleep paralysis demon. Her face was so close...all while my sister was sucking on her tit like a hungry puppy.
Doesn't Aer care? Please, help me! Or at least stop sucking her tit!
It appears there is little companionship among infants. Anasa stared at me for what could be a good minute. I was so terrified I couldn't stop crying, but that wasn't waking up Elias. Of course it wasn't! He was occupied with two children, a highly depressive wife, and hard manual labor!
I was terrified. And I hated the fact that I am so weak. I'm so weak that I can't do anything. My mother could easily hurt me, and no one would be able to stop her. Never in my life have I felt this much fear of another woman. My sympathies for her have been quickly disappearing. I was sure of it. She will hurt me. It seemed she was making sure Elias was asleep. It crossed my mind that she may have made it happen. Perhaps put something in his drink. Surely not...right?
The warm fire of the fireplace was touching her dark hair like flames of hell. I wanted to beg for my life, and cried to attract Elias's attention. But he was like a rock. And eventually, I stopped crying. I was so scared, I simply...Resigned and stared at her back.
She will kill me...And that will be the end of it.
My little heart was pounding. I could feel it. It felt as if it would jump out of my chest.
No.
Her hand was reaching for me. And the whole time, she was holding my sister in her other arm.
No, please.
She grabbed me and pulled me up. The fireplace went out. There was no more light. No more hell. Only darkness. And in that darkness, a sleeping man with a murderous wife holding his infant.
Please...No no...
"Listen here. Arailt. You are a cursed boy. You shouldn't exist..."
Hearing those words stung like a bee sting straight into the eyelid. I wanted to scream. I wanted to slip out of my mother's grasp. I wanted to cry.
I wanted to live.
No. No. No.
"But your sister will be sad if you die...So let's get along, okay?"