Let me tell you something straight from the soul:
This ain't Walmart anymore.
This is World War WTF.
We survived aisle seven. We survived a zombie kangaroo (still not over that). And now we're knee-deep in apocalypse DLC mode. I'm talkin' boss-level enemies, romance tension you could cut with a chainsaw, and chaos so intense even the roaches are packing up and leaving.
So there we are.Me — Natsu Heart, one slipper on, heart pounding like I ran from a gym membership.
Haku — my possibly homicidal pink-haired "soulmate" with a katana and a crush that's more red flag than red roses.
Marcus — glitter warlord with eyeliner sharp enough to decapitate and sass levels that can melt steel.
Linda — seventy and savage, former Walmart greeter, now shotgun-slinging grandma who yells "Back in my day, we killed aliens with respect!"
And Jamal — janitor, poet, philosopher, and possibly the second coming of Buddha with a mop that doubles as a shotgun.
We're holed up in the break room, surrounded by empty vending machines, broken Keurig pods, and an emergency exit that leads straight into a warzone. The walls shake.
BOOM.
Ceiling tiles fall. Dust rains down. And then...
A whole zombie kangaroo crashes through the ceiling.
YES, A ZOMBIE KANGAROO.In Japan.Don't ask questions. Just run.
This beast hits the ground, snarling like it chain-smokes battery acid, and kicks a filing cabinet across the room. The cabinet explodes. Why? I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST TRYING TO LIVE.
"WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT?!" I scream, climbing on top of the vending machine like it's my damn safe zone.
"Kanga-b*tch picked the wrong Walmart," Linda mutters, cocking her shotgun with zero fear in her arthritis-riddled hands.
Marcus throws glitter in the kangaroo's eyes and dives into battle like a Cirque du Soleil act armed with fashion products.
"GET THE F*CK BACK TO AUSTRALIA!" he yells.
Meanwhile, Haku slides under the table, pops up with her blade, and cuts the creature's tail clean off.
"Nobody touches my Natsu."
"HE'S NOT EVEN YOUR MAN!" Marcus yells while doing a cartwheel kick.
I'm in the corner, flailing with a folding chair.
"Can we argue after we don't die?!"
BLAM! Linda fires. The zombie 'roo goes down in a mess of blood, glitter, and what might be Vegemite. I don't ask.
We barely have a second to breathe before the fire alarm goes off. Why? Because the vending machine I was hiding on caught fire. Because I kicked it. Because I panicked. Because I'm me.
The lights flicker. An overhead voice crackles through the speakers:
"Attention Walmart shoppers: Zark'Thul will now begin the harvesting process. All survivors please proceed to the Garden Center for immediate probing. Thank you, and have a nice invasion."
I AM NOT GETTING PROBED TODAY.
We push into the main floor, which has now become an Olympic-level obstacle course of flaming shopping carts, alien drones, zombie furries (YES), and a guy cosplaying as Goku who's actually holding his own in a fight.
We dodge, duck, dive, and cuss our way down to the Garden Center. On the way, we pick up more people:
Chad Flexington – a gym bro trapped in the weights aisle. Ripped, shirtless, and only speaks in motivational quotes like "Pain is just success in disguise, bro."
Emiko – a gamer girl who's hacked a flying drone with her Xbox controller and is bombing aliens with packets of wasabi.
Toby – a five-year-old riding a modified Tonka truck that shoots fireworks. He crashes through a zombie's legs screaming, "NO BEDTIME! NO RULES!"
We burst through to the Garden Center like it's the final boss arena in a JRPG. And there, floating above the ruined flower pots and flaming gnomes...
Zark'Thul.
8 feet tall. Glowing green eyes. Robe covered in sequins and alien skulls. He's holding a microphone and looks like he's about to drop an album.
"BOW BEFORE ZARK'THUL, CONQUEROR OF FEELINGS, DESTROYER OF—"
BAM. Linda shoots him in the leg.
"Shut the f*ck up."
Zark'Thul screams in what sounds like dubstep mixed with raccoon rage. The battle begins.
Zombies burst out of planters. Alien robots crash through the glass roof. Flaming pineapples rain from above (don't ask, Toby did it). Haku drives a forklift straight through a Zarnok soldier, screaming "FOR LOVE!" while hearts sparkle in her eyes. Marcus slaps an alien with a bedazzled frying pan and yells, "YOU MESSED WITH EARTH, B*TCH!"
Me? I grab a baseball bat. It's covered in anime stickers. I name it Justice-Chan. I don't know why, I'm panicking.
I swing Justice-Chan into a zombie's face, scream in horror, and accidentally knock myself into a bag of mulch. Marcus yanks me out and brushes off my hoodie.
"You good?"
"I THINK I SWALLOWED DIRT."
"Still cute, though."
Haku freezes. Her eye twitches. She takes out three aliens in one slash without blinking.
"He's. MINE."
Marcus winks at me. I scream again.
Meanwhile, Jamal's fighting with his mop-rifle like a kung fu monk, reciting poetry between each shot:
"The wind howls.Death blooms.Watch your step, b*tch."
Chad throws a zombie into a bench press and screams, "GAINS NEVER DIE!"
Emiko crashes her drone into Zark'Thul's face.
Toby hits the nitro on his truck and yells, "WITNESS MEEEEE!"
Finally, we bring Zark'Thul to his knees. He groans in autotune and vanishes in a flash of light, yelling:
"THIS IS NOT OVERRRRR—"
We all collapse onto lawn chairs as sparks fly, zombies moan in the distance, and the Walmart Garden Center burns like a failed summer BBQ.
I'm breathing hard. My shirt is torn. My ramen dream is dead.
Haku sits beside me, bloody and smiling.
"You were amazing, Natsu. The way you swung that bat and screamed like a little girl… so brave."
Marcus sits on the other side.
"You were heroic, sweetie. And the sweat? Kinda hot."
I stare between them. Both their heads on my shoulders. I'm a human love triangle at the end of the world.
"I just wanted ramen," I whisper.