The air conditioner rattled like it was possessed. Fluorescent lights flickered overhead like they were actively trying to induce a migraine. And in the middle of Cubicle Row C, surrounded by spreadsheets, half-eaten granola bars, and the scent of existential dread, sat Jax Carter — 21, single, underpaid, and one coffee crash away from deleting himself from the office Slack channel.
The office motto was: "Efficiency is Excellence." Jax's personal motto was: "If I die at my desk, make sure the last tab open isn't LinkedIn."
He slouched in his ergonomic chair — which definitely wasn't ergonomic, just broken in the right places — and stared at the Excel file from hell. Rows of numbers taunted him. One even looked like it was flipping him off.
"Cool. Pretty sure this spreadsheet just became sentient and hates me," Jax muttered, pressing Ctrl+Z like a prayer. "Same, buddy. Same."
He reached for his fourth cup of office sludge coffee, only to knock it over. A brown tidal wave spilled onto his desk and began its slow, tragic march toward his only clean tie.
That's when it happened.
[System Initialization…]
Jax blinked. The coffee stain froze mid-creep.
"...What?"
[User Registration: Jax Carter]
[System Binding Complete]
[Congratulations! You've been selected for The Loser System™️. Prepare to be marginally less useless.]
A glowing blue screen hovered in front of him. It looked like a mix between a video game HUD and a sarcastic PowerPoint. No one else seemed to notice. Gary two cubicles down was still watching stock videos of eagles, and Linda was loudly describing her cat's latest kidney stone.
Jax poked at the screen.
His hand passed right through.
"Oh. Great. A hallucination and coffee stains. My Thursday is complete."
But curiosity, like caffeine, was a powerful drug.
"Status?" he said quietly.
[Status Window: Jax Carter]
Age: 21
Rank: Mundane
Class: Not Applicable (Yet)
Unique Trait: None (Tragic)
Bloodline: Human (Barely)
[Stats:]
Strength: F-(You struggle to open pickle jars. And feelings.)
Agility: F(Your reflexes are legally considered a traffic hazard.)
Endurance: F+(You can stay awake through an entire Zoom meeting. Barely.)
Intelligence: D-(You're smart enough to know you're not smart.)
Charisma: F+(You once made a barista smile. Accidentally.)
Luck: F--(Statistically cursed.)
[Skills:]
None. Sad, really.
[Inventory:]
1x Coffee-Stained Tie
3x Passive Aggressive Emails (Unsent)
1x Dented Lunchbox (Contents: Unknown, Potentially Sentient)
[Relationships:]
Mia (Intern) – Affection: 3
Gary (Coworker) – Affection: 0 (He thinks you're an unpaid intern)
Linda (Cat Lady) – Affection: -4 (You offended Mr. Whiskers in 2023. He remembers.)
Jax gawked. "...Wow. My stats are so bad they should come with a warning label. I've played RPGs where the rats had better numbers."
[Motivational Tip: Everyone starts somewhere. Even garbage can be recycled.]
"Okay, rude."
He scrolled down. There was a blinking tab labeled [Life Quests].
[Quest: First Contact]
Objective: Speak to a coworker without embarrassing yourself.
Reward: +10 EXP, +1 Charisma, Unlock First Skill
Penalty: Nothing. You're already at zero, champ.]
"…Did my system just pity me?"
A notification chimed.
[Hint: Mia is susceptible to dry humor and light sarcasm. She also likes mint tea and fantasy novels. Use this knowledge to build rapport or crash and burn in spectacular fashion.]
Jax peeked over his cubicle. Mia — the intern with the curly hair and suspiciously nerdy aura — was highlighting rows on a spreadsheet like her life depended on it. She looked stressed. Vulnerable. Victim-adjacent.
Perfect.
He stood, ran a hand through his hair (bad move — there was donut glaze in it), and casually walked over to her desk like he wasn't about to try flirting for experience points.
"Hey. Need help figuring out which cells are evil?" he asked.
Mia blinked. "Oh. Uh… hey, Jax, right?"
[Affection +1 | Mia: 4/100]
"I've been fighting Excel all day," he said. "I think it won."
"Same." She offered a small laugh. "It's like… no matter what I do, the formulas break."
"Yeah, spreadsheets are like my ex. Cold, calculating, and full of hidden errors."
She laughed — a real one this time.
[Affection +1 | Mia: 5/100]
[Quest Complete! +10 EXP | +1 Charisma | New Skill Unlocked!]
A window popped up mid-conversation.
[New Skill Acquired: Social Camouflage (Passive)]
Skill Description: You blend into mundane environments like an NPC. +10% success rate on low-level social interactions.
Upgrade Potential: Moderate. Use often. Fail spectacularly. Learn.]
Jax nearly fist-pumped. He had a skill. It was useless, sure, but it was his.
"Anyway," Mia said, glancing at her monitor, "thanks for the laugh. I needed that."
"Anytime," Jax replied. "If you ever need someone to poorly explain pivot tables while crying, I'm your guy."
She laughed again. That was three laughs. He was practically Casanova now.
Back at his desk, the system pinged.
[Achievement Unlocked: Mildly Likeable]
[Reward: +5 EXP | Title Unlocked: "Functional Human"]
He slumped into his chair, feeling… good?
Weird.
For the first time in months, something changed. He wasn't just the spreadsheet zombie. He had a system. Quests. Skills. Stats. Possibly romance. Maybe even—dare he dream?—a harem.
Was it a delusion brought on by toxic toner fumes? Maybe.
Did he care? Not one bit.
He grinned, tapped the air to bring up his screen again, and whispered, "Alright, The Loser System. Let's optimize the hell out of my life."
The system pinged once more.
[New Quest Available: "Operation: Impress Mia with Coffee Knowledge"]
[Objective: Bring her mint tea from the second-floor vending machine. Bonus reward if you don't spill it.]
"...Baby steps," Jax muttered. "Baby, tea-filled steps."
And so began the saga of Jax Carter — a bottom-tier office worker with an F- Strength stat, a sarcastic life system, and just enough delusion to believe he could turn this whole thing around.
Maybe even with a few girls involved.