Waking up to the cold breeze and dark sky, I could tell that I woke up before sunrise.
My eyes are quite blurry and no matter how many times I rub them, it's annoying that they're still blurry.
Laying down on the bed and waiting for my vision to clear up is my only option. I sometimes don't understand what my body is doing and why it behaves like this.
Getting up after my vision clears, I decide to workout in the early morning, no one awake with only the noise of traffic and nature in my ears.
There really isn't much to say about my life, it's just overly complicated for someone with so little desires.
It's not really about what I do in life but what I see in life. If I see something, my eyes wander to it, if I do something, my brain shuts down and I lose motivation to proceed.
This one factor is probably the main reason why I do so poorly in classes. Though, I do admit, when I'm forced to do something, I tend to achieve near perfect results. I don't really care though since perfect results is supposed to be a given if people are paying attention and verifying that knowledge in their heads.
Me and my small brain simply cannot achieve normal standards of attentiveness. It doesn't matter if someone is talking directly to me or not, words don't register in my head if I simply don't care.
I care so little and that just kills my life as a student in college, where people who come and go are those who care too much.
Heading to the shower, I proceed to talk to myself in the head. Of course, this train of thought is also a thought to myself.
Monologuing inside my own head. People can call me insane, people can call me mentally ill. I just like it when my brain isn't filled with emptiness.
Emptiness is also why I have complications, I think. If I try to sleep, my thoughts go silent but my mind is awake. It's hard for me to sleep since my brain is just wide awake.
Stepping out the shower, I cook myself some breakfast. I like to cook really simple meals. As an Asian, I got myself a rice cooker.
Cook up some rice and then figure out what I want to eat with rice. Growing up, not having rice in a meal is like once in a while or if I don't have rice.
And so, I let my rice cooker cook, and head over to my refrigerator that is quite barren.
Contemplating a bit, I grab a pair of eggs and head up a pan to get some eggs cooked.
There are multiple ways I enjoy my eggs, scrambled, fried, boiled, it just all depends on how lazy I'm feeling.
And today, I'm not feeling that lazy.
So I make myself some fried eggs with a slightly runny yolk. From what I see on the internet, a very small amount of people have an aversion to runny egg yolk then I tell myself, why?
"It's not like the egg yolk is raw when you make it fried"
I once tried this little trick from a YouTube video where Japanese people had enjoyed cracking a raw egg over a hot bowl of steamed rice, then poured in a stream of soy sauce.
Truthfully speaking, after stirring it, it didn't look appetizing to me.
So I gave it to my brother, I don't know if he enjoyed it but he did finish it.
"Maybe the steamed rice is supposed to cook the raw egg but, American eggs and Japanese eggs are very different, didn't want to risk it."
Anyways, layering my friend eggs on top of my bowl of steamed rice, I proceed to clean up the tools I used to cook up my glorious breakfast.
I usually clean up immediately after myself, unless I'm lazy.
Heading over to the couch with my bowl in hand, I sit there and calmly eat. Pulling up my phone, I usually have novels I like reading, or YouTube.
If I'm really bored, I'd watch TikTok and pretend I'm having a good time but it's just a bunch of random short videos.
This is how I usually spend my time in the mornings.
After cleaning up the dishes for my meal, I step outside the apartment and lock it behind me. Entering my car, I drive towards campus where I continue on with my daily life of being a college student.
On my drive to campus, I usually play music through my phone, playing from the car speakers.
Music now and days is the only way I can empty my thoughts and not talk to myself.
And so, I put on my usual playlist and slowly make my way to campus.
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Walking in the building of today's class, I can't help but feel annoyed since parking is such a hassle.
Either I pay for parking and show up with all the parking permit spots filled, or pay for parking and then hate the college for not expanding their parking spots.
Of course, I can't blame the people, so I blame the college system instead. Should've gotten more parking spots is all I'm saying. Or at least reduce the amount of restricted parking so I can park.
I don't expect the system to care at all since they still take my money since I have to pay for parking regardless, but that doesn't mean I can't hate the college any more. It only continues to fuel my dislike for education.
Taking the elevator up, I feel myself being nervous around people. If it weren't obvious, I'm pretty introverted but pretend I'm not so I can overcome my social anxiety.
Yeah, who knew disliking socializing would make me develop social anxiety.
Either way, I find it difficult for me to mingle with people of my age, I simply don't know what they're thinking.
I can assume the thought process of people younger and older than me since there's always a certain expectation when you meet them or see them in a certain environment.
For example, If I see a kid in a store walking around, I can already assume the kid is just exploring is is curious, if he looks at me randomly, I can only assume he's jealous of my looks.
If I see an adult on campus, I can only assume he works here and is busy.
Either way, I hate college and I find it repulsive that I even need a degree to secure a good job.
Seating myself somewhere randomly in the classroom, the other students and professor enter and the clock slowly ticks to the beginning of class. Just like that, the class begins its session and I'm once again stuck in another lecture, forced to learn.
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Today, I learned about random things that I've already forgotten. Walking out of these doors, I'm surprised by how quickly they wiped my memory of the class. I've only retained fragments of information that I'm sure I'll somehow magically compile together for the upcoming test.
Strolling out, the elevator is crowded, people sure like elevators. I proceed to the staircase to head down and exit the building, on to my next class.
I look outside and watch nature. To me, nature is relaxing as it's just unpredictable and makes it far more interesting than other human beings, I say pretending to imagine since humans are just too complicated for me to comprehend.
Yeah, people and communication. The one threshold I will probably never overcome nor rationalize.
I just got to blend in with the crowd and act like one of them.
"Am I a sociopath?"
No clue what the word means, searched up the meaning and forgotten about it.
Got to ask yourself questions every time to reassure you're not losing your sanity. That's how you keep yourself in check, and how I keep myself grounded.
Wouldn't want my ginormous ego to suddenly become inflated and then all of a sudden I'm making friends, right?
Entering the class for my next lecture, I'm situated in a spot where most of the seats are full but people are already looking at me entering the classroom when there's still quite a bit of time left.
Nothing makes me more nervous than looking for an empty spot and having people stare at me. No clue why, I don't know if it's cause I'm unique in appearance or if I did something to attract their attention.
Either way, I quickly make my way to an empty seat in the back and wait for the professor to start the class. Nervous is an understatement for whenever I get put in these situations, these damn people don't know how to be aware of themselves.
With the clocking ticking, the professor checks the time and commences the lecture. Another boring lecture incoming, and another memory wipe for me after this is all done.
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Truthfully speaking, It's been a while since I've took that class. Now it's many hours later from my last thought process.
Classes were so boring that my brain became empty, I no longer understood what happened and I only know that I got a ton of assignments to do and need to get home and spend time on them.
Some people may envy my opportunity to go to college, but truthfully, I didn't expect me to enter college either.
Now that I'm here, I only wish to bang my head against the wall and never wake up.
I thought life after graduating high school would be great, I have more options, I get to be more free. But no, freedom was taken away from me like stealing candy from a baby.
The freedom I so desired vanished before me and instead was replaced by crippling guilt and anxiety from society.
Certificates, experience, diplomas, oh so many things that are required to even get a high paying job.
Sure there are jobs that say you can learn on the job, but to even be accepted you have to have a good looking resume.
I'll admit, I could've built up my resume for earlier in life if I wanted to, I just didn't. Now it's biting me in the ass.
My resentful anger could rival the heavens, at least that's how I imagine it. I'm not religious though so I simply spew out words as if I care.
Looks like I'm back at my apartment. Parking up and heading up the flight of stairs once again, you could notice how repetitive my life is so far. Can't wait for the weekend though, that's when the fun happens.
Of course, life was also fun back in high school when I hung out with friends. Back then, hanging out was more or less the expectant thing.
Now, I'm in college, all alone. No friends, no significant other, no one I can share my feelings with.
But hey, I got myself and my thoughts in my head to carry me forward.