growing up I moved ALOT.
never the same place usually not the same school and always a new me.
for those whom don't move alot or have never moved, might not understand but I moved so much I became a new person at every school (my mom didn't really know though ;>)
sometimes I was the sweet quiet shy kid, or the love obsessed fool, or straight up Villain it really depended on the social environment.
but one rule I never broke was never let them know the real you.
the reason for this rule is because if they know you, you eigther end up getting too attached or they find your weak spots as an individual.
even if they don't mean to they do and it hits hard.
Iv been bullied alot, but as much as iv been bullied iv also had alot of attachments which made moving hard.
being an adult I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to just up and disappear at times even when there's nothing wrong It still feels like it is.
it's like a longing for somthing you didn't know you wanted or needed it's almost like a void that's to be filled or like there should be a certain person beside you but there not there, for some whom have felt this are with somone but even that's not enough at times and it's hard because that feeling doesn't go away just because you want it to.
when I was younger I overdosed myself at the time my mom was with a terrible person who drove me to do it and at such a young age at that.
I think the Cringiest thing about thinking back to then was what drove a little kid to litterally kill themselves and then lie to cover up the reason I mean I remember almost everything because when that man yelled at me it hit me in the gutt harder then usual.
I understand why I did it and I also know why it wasn't right to do what I did not for his sake or my moms or anybodys but for my own.
and since then I grew up feeling hollow almost like I saw a ghost and apart of me is in limbo or somthing.
I feel like I lost my personality after that accident.
Whats worse is that nobody around me seemed to notice, they all thought I was just depressed growing up from then on but I just felt lost. like I lost somthing that ment the world to me and I can't even remember.
when I moved around alot I pretty much always had a new personality, sometimes I change who I am so much so that I can't even recognize myself at times.
I never liked the new school thing.
nobody ever asked if I wanted to join, nobody was ever really my friend, having a new personality helped me to make even just a single friend.
now most are reading this and are like okay I get it you moved alot and was always an outsider with the bare minimum. yes that's true however having a new personality allowed me to make friends and find common ground even with the younger students, the younger students were always more welcoming then my own age group.
don't get me wrong i have made friends they just never seem to be apart of my age group, which sucked because I have always longed for a friend of my own age rang, makes me feel pathetic that a little kid is the best I could do at such an older age.
gym was definitely the hardest I remember my teacher fell ill, so we got a sub teacher for the whole year and she use to make us run 3 laps on our relatively large soccer field not as big as most but decently big.
I remember I was having an off day and only ran two laps well this girl, will call her old man tucker.
now me and old man tucker didn't get along AT ALL. we ran in totally different social groups hers is the one you wish they'd just accept you, but they all end up being conniving asses for really no reason.
(aka Regina george)(mean girls)
so 3 laps at the beginning, and I was feeling a bit out of it I honestly thought I was gonna vomit. so anyway our class huddled up back at the entrance and as we're all huddled up talking.
then old man tucker SNITCHES, let me tell ya the worst thing you can do is snitch just so you can be a bitch for no reason.
so old man tucker snitches because I did 2 laps and not 3 naturally I was pissed and almost throat punched her but remembered new school new actress.
so after old man tucker SNITCHES I looked at the teacher and gave her the really your gonna make me do one lap more just because of a snitch kinda look.
and let me tell ya she made me run it, surprisingly though someone felt bad for "the new girl" for having been singled out by old man tucker who he claims to be on relatively friendshippy terms with but for anyone who pays just enough attention he actually isn't he just pretends to be for everyone else's sake.
that boy saw my anger and my upsetness this boy stood up and vulenteered to run the lap with me when everyone just sat and watched. this wasn't his only act of kindness to me, dodge ball he saw I didn't want to be the disappointment of a new student kinda thing so instead of hitting me with a dodge ball which u managed to survive till I was last man standing surprisingly, he just up and reassured me and threw me a bone so the game wouldn't end.
moving around you don't get to have many people like that not only that but he was the first person who ever asked me to dance.
sadly I rejected him because he's considered the "popular" boy in the class and it was already so awkward between us due to someone bullying me and me taking the fall for someone else's shit.
due to me taking the fall for someone else let's just say it was nothing PG on the bathroom walls, and because of that he was already embarrassed of me.
he avoided me like the plague, watched me with disdain and regret and so when he held his hand out and asked me to dance and I felt and saw everyone's gaze upon us I said no so he wouldn't be ashamed.
years passed and I reached out to him just to say hello and catch up and it was going smoothly and then he dropped it.
he turned into everyone in my life, he said the worst thing you can think of being a conscious teenager.
the conversation took a turn no idea how nor how it got to that but he asked me my weight I said non of your business he proceeded to say I'm pretty sure your 2,500 so I replied just mimicking him, because I had no words I thought he was keeping his head down all those years ago but it turned out all he wanted was to dance and make fun of "the fat girl" of the class.
many think that when I move its only because of my mom and her work, when in reality we all moved due to issues such as bullies or people who make you feel like you as a person aren't enough.
many of you are probably reading this going yeah yeah yeah seen it heard it all before.
but when you move as much as I have if not more you learn not to trust people you learn to lie extremely well so well that you can't tell if those are lies or actual things that happened.
I like moving It got me away from the bullies be it the next door neighbour or people at school.
I worked to survive the moment I was able to read and write and I have nothing to show for it.
truth is I'm scared all the time people gossip about me im a Villain to some a stain to most and a burden to the closest and even though people still associate with Me it doesn't mean their happy too or wanting to.
truth is I'm a stain,
A BLOODY FREAKING STAIN!
the best feeling you can give someone is, is when you look at them and they look at you and you just know that this person is an Ally.
they are there through thick and thin rain or shine.
Even when nobody stands with them your the person who will hold that cardboard box up with them the person who offers up their couch when every door has been shut in their face.
that's the person people cherish the most, the person who says I'm here it's okay were on the same side that's the person I want standing next to me even if it is only for a short time.
I am the kind of person who is grateful if I ever cross paths with a person like that.
even though iv been through some dumb/ dark shit its always been okay in the end iv managed and even though I'm all by myself most of the time now. iv had someone there for me in a way I didn't know someone could be and that's okay too.
certain people looked at me at certain moments and said I'm going to give you a chance because I see improvement nothing grand or fancy or maybe even noticeable but I have faith somthing will happen.
someone didn't want to watch me struggle they said I'm going to give you a chance in a way you never thought of and that was the first time I realized that these people weren't just being nice or doing charity they were giving me a chance and I hope some day I can be that person for many.
after all how do you over come the watchers, the bullies, it's simple all you do is become the Ally. because the Ally is the person who puts faith in possibilities regarding someone or somthing even when nobody else thinks so.
after all Ally are the best things you can have in this world after all, it all starts with a chance
so the next time you get bullied or end up being a watcher just stop and think what would an Ally do.
what can they provide that neither bullies nor watchers can give ;) have fun thinking.