this chapter has some content readers may find offensive concerning content that is unsuitable for children, and for some adults viewer discretion is advised.
jumbo bucket big, big, medium, small
we all subject to sizes.
we all do it infact we all start doing it from early stages of double didgets
90% of us do it on a Dailey basis without even noticing.
we have made looking next to possible, billboards, social media posts, followers of the trends, etc.
they all make us look down on our selfs but mask it saying one size fits all.
while others say we fit all sizes when in reality nobody is talking about how everything we see has been fixed due to editing.
most of us can't tell left from right.
if we're big were told to dream to be small, we're small we dream to be big.
and if you don't fit in this box you get told things nobody should ever have to go threw.
growing up we become conscious of ourselfs because of the changes.
some people never change its like in the movie (dairy of a wimpy kid) no matter how many years passed he almost always had looked the same while his peers went threw these massive changes.
we change growing up and we feel the need to be conscious because we grow into our bodies we get body and facial hair, maybe getting your period for the first time, or even in Height, voice, or acne.
we all see these things as shameful
periods have been looked down upon and in past times have told girls of many ages that they are "disgusting creatures" when they have their periods for so and so reasons.
acne looks disgusting and it's repulsive. (it can be if it's not taken care of properly)
height and voice appearances are a big deal especially if your in school still not necessarily because it's different but many growth spurts aren't as kind as they are to others so while some guys or girls go from 5'3 to say 6 foot it can be intimidating for those whose growth spurts just made them fat and round like a donut.
my growth spurt was rather buzzard if I do say so myself.
for me high school sucked especially when it came to dating.
I graduated with a class of around 13 kids only around 10 showed up for grad and naturally I had my one bestest friend she eventually replaced me as a friend like the others did and now that I'm thinking my high school experience wasn't what I thought it'd be.
you see my class was the first official graduates of this school, you see two high schools were closing but instead of ridding people of the buildings they decided to combine one of the high schools with the other leaving the other high school for a French Elementary school.
and thus became my school.
now as many of you may or may not know when a school opens the first 4-8 years are considered crucial.
because the public wants to see how the school is within a certain time period.
let me tell ya other schools are bad but I don't know about you but I think this might just take the cake.
the first 4 years of this school being opened
we had about 4 stabbings, 1 school shooting (kid with a BB gun), within the perimeters of the school we had people doing drugs both from and not from our school, we also had loads of theft and vandalism, as well as inappropriate stuff happening behind the scenes (if you get my drift) only they did it in public ;)
after I managed to graduate unfortunately alot of the new students eigther committed suicide or left the school entirely.
now I know what your thinking I thought this was a school, belive it or not this was supoosts to be a school for those who can't keep up with normal high school stuff, meaning if someone had behavioral issues this is the school they'd be Sent to, only it wasn't only them going.
so much bullying happened and so much people got away with, people who were bullied got into trouble while the bully got away scot free, and as sad as it was the people who were in charge didn't always force people to go back to class intact my principles would sit in the stair case with me not say anything or they would but they didn't care, I fact they treated me like a human being with feelings and emotions.
it wasn't all bad but I can't remeber many good memory's.
you see I was always sucked into something, and so it made dating hard because of those things people started to think I was the problem, they didn't care about the problem they just saw me surrounded by the problems and just thought It was all my fault.
I was blamed for alot but actually in the end I had everyone and their knives in my back even when I was simply just trying to be myself or be a friend.
at the begging of high school I was excited my mom introduced me to someone and she was as excited as I was and then the person I looked out for the person I turned to disappeared she wasn't there when I needed her but I was there for her, and then we just stopped being friends.
my mom and her step mom were friends and one day I heard her step mom talking bad about my new best friend and so being a friend I told her the truth, but little did I know I'd lose a friend instead.
alot of my friends put knives in my back but I still forgave them.
that was a mistake.
dating wasnt easy eigther you had to pick carefully.
You don't want a dud, or people will say horrible things like she's only with him out of pity, etc.
the disturbing part of dating in my school was that everyone was related to someone in some way.
cousins dating cousins, that sort of thing.
and it was NORMAL.
I had this friend and she was interested in part taking in school activities but I wasn't, she liked to sing and be noticed even at the cost of becoming a shadow to someone.
anyway she became more and more busy so being social online I found this guy he went to a different school and wasn't connected to anyone at mine so I went for it I dared a stranger naturally I thought we could just hangout more and stuff since both of our friend groups basically ditched us to do their own thing which was fine.
so we hung out and he forced a kiss upon me I didn't stop it because I know if I had even he'd disappear, so I dated him even though I didn't like him.
here's where it gets interesting we decided to go to the movies and at the end his phone starts blowing up his phone I think his mom was in an accident but I snatched the phone and found out he'd been talking to someone else naturally I wanted to just pinch him hard and run but I stayed because my best friend was busy and my new best friend was new so I couldn't rely on her for something like that so, I just stayed put.
later on I decided to go to a sleep over let me tell you I am scared for life.
this girl dipped her dirty dishes in water with unbubbly soap then when she put the dishes away there was green foam paste almost like mold oozing out of the sink handle then at least a hundred black bugs scattered into the darkness of her cabinet and hundreds of fruite Flys surrounding her garbage.
for dinner it was all junk food, and the mattress looked like it was pulled off the street stained with blood she flipped it over and as we slept on this single mattress her dad came in as I was changing and just watched me but I didn't have a shirt on so I was just facing the wall until he left once he did he started to plow his wife and they drifted off to bed. we finally went to bed and she rolled over and pinned me to the wall all night I was cradled in a fetus sorta way and when I removed my knees I was peeling paint off of my knees!!!!
she watched LIKE IT WAS NORMAL!!!!
I fell back asleep because she went to shower and I had the bed to myself finally I fell asleep for at least 1h before she woke me back up this crazy ass bitch WAS DYING MY HAIR AS I WAS SLEEPING!!!!!!
my mom decided to pick me up and when she did I looked like shit.
not even 2h of sleep paint on my knees and dyed hair.
she thought I went to a frat party because of how crappy I looked.
so before my mom picks me up we went on a walk and that guy who i decided to date was there to pick me up and I decided to change because I sweated through my cloths and I was finished changing faster then usual and I looked through the crack of the door and this dude was fucking my best friend.
the part that bothered me wasn't the fact that they hooked up it was the fact that they lied, they weren't honest about how they felt about one another and to top it off my new best friend just stabbed me in the back the reason that upsets me is (what if I had been serious about being with him) where would I be if that had happened.
in the end they just made trouble threatened to slice me up and hang me in the woods and feed my rotting flesh to the animals of the woods.
this guy had the audacity to actually trespass during school hours to try and do this police were called and he was detained for trespassing and tempt of murder on me and my friend unfortunately because he didn't actually harm me physically they released him and he was on a danned list for the school.
the part thar bothers me is that banned list was the only thing that my school ever really did for me.
they let me be bullied they suspended me when all I did was mind my own business.
what cross the line for me was when she showed up at my grad and tried to trip me into the duck pond then ran away when I tried the same.
my school didn't have a prom we had pictures but the little after party was for graduates only I wasn't allowed to attend because that new friend was there to this day I still don't know how a person who's graduating could be banned from being apart of the graduation after party.
in the end I drenched her in punch and got free food so I was happy.
see for me looking back this was just the tip of the iceberg.
at first I was glazed over with how I looked and smelled and was as a person and once I managed to graduate I realized I only got small moments with a friend who replaced me in the end she used me like the others used me.
however she did help me overcome my appearance issues I always struggled with my weight I allowed only her to make fun of it with me because we were both thinking the same way in those moments, we were so instinct we had almost identical dreams our "flows" were intertwined and our thoughts were almost as one but then Hugh school ended and suddenly there was no more room for me as her friend, so I moved on
every day i face billboards and posts with people who I think look perfect their not "fat" and if they are they make it work.
sometimes I wish one size fits all because that would solve alot of our problems.
one thing I know for sure is editing isn't always worth it.
I have pictures that are edited but I also have some really bizarre pics.
every day I think to myself should i try harder and the harsh truth is.
sort of you see the world needs to change its way of seeing things and it needs to see what's actually there celebrities are no acception to make change you must sacrifice.
if you have a big mirror I want you to put a sticky note on it somthing inspiring.
and I want you to tell yourself YOU GOT THIS because you do.
I may not know you but if my donut loving ass can try so can you.
so come on
BE A DONUT TODAY, TOWMORROW, AND ALWAYS
because size is a number and not all numbers are important;)