A week had passed since the cafeteria brawl broke out, and Alesha's emotional slump had only gotten worse. Questions about whether she was worthy to even try to return home dominated her thoughts, undermining both her ability to fight effectively in the arena and recuperate in the Participants' Barracks, troubling her both night and day.
One day, locked in her room with the curtains drawn and lights off, a knock sounded at her door.
She rolled over in her bed, unwilling to move.
The knock came again.
"Who is it?" She asked, voice cracking.
"It's Collin," the reply came.
"Go away."
"No. Alesha, you're scaring me. Please snap out of it."
"What do you know about anything?" She snapped. "Leave me alone!!"
"... Okay."
With that, the vampire otaku walked away, leaving Alesha in silence.
Alesha sniffled, unsure why she felt like crying.
Was it because the only person who noticed her distress wasn't a person at all, but a vampire? And that the only other individual who might have done so was already dead?
[What am I, chopped liver??] Rogork complained.
"You don't count," Alesha muttered. "I want someone real to notice."
"What about me? Do I count?" An unexpected voice asked, sounding like a kindly old man.
Alesha sat up in alarm, looking around for the source of the unknown voice. She spotted it immediately.
A semi-transparent, golden-brown armadillo with long gray eyebrows, mustache and beard hovered nearby.
He dipped his head. "I apologize if I am intruding. Allow me to introduce myself; I am Gurkash, your Sponsor for this Story."
"Sponsor?" Alesha asked numbly.
"Ah, yes, I suppose they don't explain it to Participants. Let's see, how much am I allowed to say?"
The armadillo fiddled with something she couldn't see before continuing.
"Looks like I am free to explain. Patrons of Zorhellian's Games are allowed to purchase Sponsorship of one Participant each, first come first served, and that Sponsorship allows us to grant you specific benefits or boosts so that you can win matches. I've been helping you out a little, here and there," he said with a smile and a twinkle in his eye.
"You've been… helping me?" She asked, not sure how to feel. Angry? Relieved? Or disappointed in herself?
"But why?" She found herself asking.
"No special reason, at first," he admitted. "I just wanted to Sponsor you before a certain other Patron could, for my own amusement. But as time went on and you continued to fight, I became invested in your future."
Alesha looked at him with a mixture of skepticism and desperation. "Why?"
"Hmm, let's see. How do I put this, just the amusement of the elderly? Pity, perhaps? I think a mixture of those would suffice to explain."
"Amusement? Pity?" Alesha repeated, a hint of anger in her eyes. "What gives you the right to be amused by my life? What right do you have to pity me?"
"I don't have the right, I suppose," he replied, immediately cooling her anger. "No one has any right to find amusement in the lives of others; yet here we are. Me, a Patron of the Storytelling Games, which turn sentient lives into spectacles; and you, a Participant of those Games, made a source of entertainment against your will. This situation is clearly unrighteous, yet here we are. Perhaps that very fact amuses me as well."
"... Is that so?"
The elderly armadillo nodded.
"Are you actually an armadillo?" Alesha inquired abruptly.
He laughed. "Yes, after a fashion. Are you surprised?"
"I suppose I shouldn't be," Alesha admitted, "Considering how varied the Patrons in the stands I've seen are."
Gurkash chuckled. "My time visiting you like this is limited, so is there anything you'd like to ask the elderly old Sponsor who intruded upon you at this hour?"
Alesha thought for a moment, hesitated, then spoke. Her question was laden with meaning and she didn't really expect a decent answer, but she wanted to try. Sometimes it was easier to ask a stranger than someone she actually knew.
"Do you think I deserve to go home, after what I've done?"
"Why wouldn't you?" He replied, seeming genuinely confused.
Alesha's thoughts burst from her like water from a broken dam. Given a listening ear in a moment of weakness, it all came forth in a rush. "I'm a murderer! I'm from a world full of peace and, and, I've changed too much! I've killed people, heck I've EATEN people, what would my parents think of me, how could they still love me? There's nothing I-, I can't-, why would they-, I-"
With that, she broke down into tears, her emotions coming out all at once. She buried her face in her hands in a futile attempt to muffle the sound.
Gurkash watched silently, his armadillo face inscrutable.
When her tears finally slowed, Gurkash spoke. "Alesha, child, just because you've done bad things doesn't mean you're a bad person, that you're no longer deserving of love or that you have to continue on the same path forever. It seems to me like you're getting all worked up over something that life forced you to do. What matters isn't what others will think of you about what you did to survive; what matters is what you think of yourself."
"Child, did you do your best in the situations that came to you? I'm not asking whether you tried 100% of what you can try when you're at your best. I'm asking if you gave 100% of what you had at the time. If all you had at the time was 20%, then 100% of 20% isn't 20% -- it's 100%. This includes situations in which you're forced to choose between two bad options. Did you choose what you thought was right with the information you had at the time? Did you do what you could to survive with the information, strength and resources available to you at the moment?"
"If yes, then it's alright. Forgive yourself when you fall short of your own ideal -- including for what you've done that you now regret. Anyone who cannot love you for choosing to survive rather than die does not deserve to disrupt your internal equilibrium."
"Quit worrying about what others -- even your family -- might think of you once they find out. What will be will be, and what won't be, won't."
With that, Gurkash began to fade.
"It looks like my time is up. Alesha, child, I hope you see some merit in my advice. Be more confident in yourself and your choices, and don't let others make you think you don't deserve love. You deserve love, and you deserve to go home."
Alesha sat there on her bed, simply pondering, for a long time after that.