Hey!
I hope this finds you all well.
It's been a while, yeah?
I apologize for that, I do.
Life has been...a bit hectic as of late, but I got this lol.
I always figure it out, one way or another.
I hope that the chaos of our world has not been overly detrimental to you, wherever you are.
The politics here in America have been just beyond me, you know?
Tariffs.
Bills.
Taxes.
Money, money, money, money...
Man...
Come on, humanity, lbvs.
We need to do better.
But enough of that.
I am really sorry that it's been so long between these here journal entries. I have been working on my next series of poetry and the second volume of my main fantasy fiction series!
It has been quite a lot of work, but for you all, I will do whatever I must.
Whatever I can.
I will see you all back here soon enough, I know you are here for the trip to the past, and you know what?
I just oiled the machine.
Hop in!
*flips switches.
(Time machine purrs like a little baby cheetah kitten)
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July 25th, 2013.
Journal #062.
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So I almost killed us today.
Myself, XXXXX, and her brother.
I should be more vigilant...
I could never forgive myself if, by my hand, some ill befell her.
Stupid.
I gifted her a bear because she didn't have one.
Every woman should have a bear,
She smiled.
Greatness.
I suppose I shouldn't write about her so much since she reads this journal like a book.
I suppose I shouldn't write about not writing about her, since she reads this journal like a book...
I suppose I shouldn't do a lot of things, but where would I be if I hadn't done something when I thought I shouldn't have?
Nowhere near where I am now.
And so the battle with the XXXXXosaurus rex lingers on.
There is no lie in the fact that I care about her, but that doesn't mean I should just live with where I am and just let this all linger on...
I'm so nice.
Or is it that I fear some retaliation from karma?...
What bad could come from one seeking happiness for oneself?
Is that in itself a selfish act or an act of self-preservation?
Her eyes look into my mind, my soul.
And she knows...there is no doubt that XXXXX knows how much I care about her.
Is it crazy of me to not fear pain?
Or am I so strong that I can just shoulder through it like I always have?
They say:
"You live by the sword, you die by the sword."
So if our heart is our sword and our mind our shield, then might love be the death of me?
This mind of mine is surely a gift and a curse...
I'll just do what I always do.
Live day to day.
And what will be, will be.
Nothing more, nothing less, huh?
-----
(Time machine returns with a series of beeps and boops.)
-To start, I was new to driving lmao.
It was a dark and rainy night, and I had the keys to the car of an old friend of mine.
I had decided to give her (my mysterious goth lady lol) and her brother a ride home in order to help them avoid the decently long walk.
I remember driving up a hill well within the speed limit and approaching a light at the top of said hill.
I had no idea that the stoplights were all blinking (as they do after it gets pretty late in some parts of Milwaukee), and I also just happened to be blinking in sync with the first handful of flashes.
We blew through the red light doing 25MPH, nearly avoiding being t-boned from the right by an oncoming vehicle.
My friend, at the time, was in the passenger seat, and her brother was in the back just behind her.
They both would have taken the worst of that collision...
I felt and still feel terrible about that night, you know?
I really have no idea what I would have done with myself had I let that be the death of the two of them.
Good thing I have spider-like reflexes!
No, but seriously, folks...drive safely out there and stay vigilant.
-I had bought her an undead teddy bear. It matched her personality and aesthetic, you know?
It could even talk!
I can't say that I know what happened to it, but she never took it home...
She had a whole significant other, you know?
How could she have explained it easily?
Many ways one would think, but some things aren't quite that simple...
I don't know what happened to it, but I wish she still had it.
Every woman needs and deserves a teddy bear or stuffed creature of some sort.
I will die on that little hill.
She smiled a wry, heavy smile when I gave it to her.
I was so madly in love with her that all I could see was her happiness, or what I perceived as such.
I didn't care that she was in a relationship, and that was very selfish of me.
Very selfish.
-She started reading these journals just days after I would write them, sometimes the day after.
I can't say that this was a good idea.
At all.
I gave her sooooo much power over me very early on in our friendship, and later on in our relationship. That created a horrible and steep power dynamic that I would never recover from.
I think more that we should have just been friends at that point, you know?
It was to the point where we would have been better off as best friends back then, and I just didn't want to stop at that level.
That is one of the very few regrets that I live with to this very day.
How much did her reading of what I was writing affect what I was writing?
Hmm...
-The XXXXXOSAURUS lmaooooooooo that is wild of me!
That was the young lady that I had been dating for a year or so before I started talking to the Goth on a deeper level.
Outside of her influence, I had simply never fallen in love with her.
I did love her, but I couldn't see a future with her, and that was a tough conversation.
Our breakup was not the prettiest...and she was not very happy with me, understandably.
I think I wrote about her a bit in a few of these entries. She was a very kind, loving, giving individual, you know?
She just wasn't for me at that point in my life.
I wish I could speak with her and apologize.
If you are reading this by some chance, I am really, really sorry.
-It is not selfish to seek happiness, folks.
It is selfish if that happiness comes at the cost of someone else's happiness, you know?
Karma is a very real, very potent force.
One that I do my best to live by.
I was looking for the love and affection of another woman while I was with someone.
That is not fair.
Karma did well to punish me for the next decade, and even to this day, lbvs...
-Love? Yes, I can see it being the death of me. A broken heart might just be what takes me from this world in the end. Love is...my weakness.
-I still feel as if my mind is a gift and a curse, I do.
I feel like I was blessed with the ability to write and create stories in a world full of people who don't like to read, and that sucks lbvs.
You all are amazing for your time, energy, and loyalty.
Seriously.
You mean the world to me.
Thank you for waiting around between these posts.
-I was a bit mature for 23 lol
I was also a bit immature for 23 lol.
I think I just thought a lot.
Very introspective.
I tend to think too much and then overthink even these days.
The inside of our heads can be quite a wild, dangerous place if we let it.
-Seeing into my soul?
She still can till this very day...
Her eyes have such a profound effect on me.
An effect that I have written many a poem and song about!
But enough of that, and enough about me!
I hope that you all have been just as well as possible, and that the next post finds you in that same place.
I love you.
Remember that when you feel like no one else cares.
People need people, you know?
Safe travels, folks.
And as always, until next time:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.