To be loved, is to be remembered.
My eyes paused on the wall opposite of me, as I looked around me. I studies the room filled with people sharing tables. Some were busy on their devices, others reading, some like me juts observing. I inhaled a breath. "Your coffee is ready sir." I snapped my head back and smiled at the brunette gently, giving a short nod.
I picked up the cup and walked outside. As I pushed the door open, a gush of cold wind hit my face. My eyes lingered around. The clouds covered the sky, grey. I blinked, trying to shake off the heavy feeling in my chest. I should visit her.
My eyes wandered for a few seconds again, I stood their lost.
I inhaled another deep breath. I walked towards my car, circled around and decided to drive myself back home. The steering wheel felt cold unlike usual days. The leather just did not sit right. I could feel my body starting to itch with discomfort when an image of Madam Zhao flashed in my head. I should visit her.
I took a turn, driving slowly. My eyes focused ahead, but I was barely present. On the back of my mind, I could only think of the woman who had trapped me in this paradox. Her gentle eyes, a smiling face, the sweetest tongue. I stepped outside, leaving the coffee behind. I grabbed my coat and put it on, the air around me chilling. The trees were oddly shedding their leaves. I entered the small garden leading to a bigger grounds. The tombstones stood still. I walked with one step at a time. I paused, when my eyes spotted a figure sitting there. It was a woman.
I gulped. Elena. I knew just from the scent. Who else would visit her? I had never seen anyone here in years. I pressed my lips together and my hold around my coffee tightened. She looked over her shoulder before I could even think of leaving. Her red, swollen eyes met mine. The tears were still fresh. My shoulders tensed. It was just like I felt. I met her stare with a sigh and stepped closer. She took her eyes off me. I did too. I had not met her after the party again. But I did hear about her family's acceptance of engagement. Not today.
I sat down beside her, squatting down a couple inches away. She had curled her legs, her knees pressed against her chest. I leaned my head back, watching the sky. My heart felt heavy. I remembered vividly how Elena had not shed a tear at Old Madam Zhao's funeral. I remembered how she had looked like a blank slate. The wind blew stronger than before but both us stayed still. I could hear her faint sniffs. I pushed the cup of coffee in front of her, still warm. She pushed my hand away. I just placed it in front of her, getting a look from her.
"How was she in her last breath?" I heard her faint voice. My throat ached.
The scent of her old womanly body still fresh in my head. The way her frail hand rested in mine. "Beautiful and sweet." I said. 'When you and Elena get married, don't forget to visit me together.' She said. My eyes watered and I closed them shut.
"She thought of you." I added gently. I could feel Elena's stare on me.
"Of-course, she loved me more than any of you." Her voice broke.
"Hm." I said. My eyes went back to the coffee cup. She picked it up, took a small sip. "Thank-you." I heard her faint voice. A few minutes passed in silence. The air around us grew thicker each second. I couldn't really sense why. Slowly my brain was clouded by thoughts about us all over again. Elena was sitting beside me. The same Elena whose thoughts made me feel a sudden itch to get rid of them. She was here, right beside me sitting in a silence I did not expect from her.
"Why did you agree to the marriage?" I heard her, an abruption to my thoughts. "There was no reason to disagree." I turned my eyes to her, facing her. My eyes danced across her face. A disagreement danced in her eyes.
"What?" I barked when she just kept staring at me for a few long second. "My or your answer doesn't matter anymore."
She took her eyes off me. Her head moved gently as if disagreeing.
The tears that were threating to fall, rolled down against her smooth skin. She looked back at me.
"If you never agreed, I wouldn't be forced into this. Please, just tell them the truth. You have always been a big believer of honesty, aren't you?" Her voice broke. I looked away too, a sigh left my lips.
Honesty. My own words ringed in my head. 'I would never lie to you, even if it means breaking your heart Elena.' My throat felt almost dry. I kept my expression composed. The way she had held my hand, shaking her head sobbing 5 years ago. The image was still as fresh as the day I had done that.
"Stop acting like you did not know this was supposed to happen from the beginning." Irritation filled my voice. I wasn't even sure if it was myself or her. It no longer mattered. All I was aware that I wasn't ready to engage in another conversation about the same stuff over and over. Her crying and me being frustrated. I didn't know what bothered me more. Was it her words or her tears all over again.
A small laugh filled the silence. "Yes I had always known. So did you, and if you had planned to give in from the beginning, why would you not consider this when you decided to love Rue instead of me? When you said, you'd never choose me; I thought you meant it." Her hand wrapped itself around the cup. Her lips were pressed tightly together. She did not have to remind me of my decisions. She did not need to remind me of the pain I had been through. She did not need to remind me of someone I had loved with everything I had.
"But I never lied to you Elena. I won't lie today either--"
She cut me off. "Then tell me why did you agree?"
"Because I do not care about anything. I only care about not losing the position in my family I've always worked hard for. I will get what I deserve, even if it means getting married to you. I am pretty sure that is also the only reason why you said Yes. I am not doing this to put you through something, in fact it is a torture for me. I broke your heart, I know you hate me for that. But please stop making it difficult."
"You do not understand Johnathan, this is not fair at all. I spent all these years trying to get over everything I left behind and I can't just.." She stopped.
"Then run away again. Give up the inheritance and run away Elena. And if you have the guts, talk to your father about it. He loves you, doesn't he?" I spoke, getting up from the ground. She remained seated. I took a step back. Staring down at her.
"I wouldn't mind losing some reputation. Don't show up at the altar then If you hate it so much. But remember, if you will be there, you will belong with me from that moment forward."
I turned around, my steps almost hurried. I needed some space, something far away from her and the chaos of reality. The chaos of our truth.