"A bunny! A bunny! It's a bunny! I can't believe-"
I opened my eyes. The room was swimming. Ugh my head. . . dimensional warping can sure take a lot outta ya. Oh hellfire what is that shrill sound!
"I finally have a bunny! My very own bunny-"
I blinked, the room finally came into focus. Ahhhh why is it so bright!
I looked around. Bunnies! Bunnies everywhere! Everything is bunnies!
On closer examination I discovered it wasn't all bunnies. There were some pictures of scantily clad young men. They were muscular and handsome, but the only thing that could possibly make them look more effeminate would be a dress. Must be a bunch of incubuses. Damn boy toys.
"I prayed and I got a bunny. Maybe there really is a god!"
My eyes found the source of the horrid noise.
"Or maybe there is no god, and it was just a random quantum event!"
There was no mistaking that screeching voice. This was a banshee. A high level one at that. Her clothes were disheveled, her hair wild and filled with charms and talismans. She looked like a demon with an eye for fashion, but something was off. No skulls, no bugs, not even a speck of dried blood anywhere. She was clearly a poser.
Absolutely scandalous.
"Or maybe this is all a simulation, and a glitch has given me my heart's desire!"
I'd seen enough. It was time to make this place explode and find a way to undo this mess. I called forth my magic, nothing happened. Sweet Beelzebub no! My magic really is turned off!
"Oh who cares! I finally have a bunny, and I'm never letting him go!"
I started panicking. Am I really going to be living in this atrocious place? How could this happen? My palace, my hordes of servants, my perpetually flaming body pit.
All gone.
It seems like it was all ten minutes ago, because well, it literally was ten minutes ago. . .wait why is the room swirling? Is that a harp?! Are we really going with that cliché flashback transition?
Whatever.
You've probably gathered I'm not an ordinary rabbit. I am in fact a demon. Not just any demon, but a Demon Lord!
Impressed? You better be. I'm more powerful than you can possibly imagine, and I'm certainly not from the dirt clod you call a planet. I came from a mighty planet that resides in a whole 'nother universe. A universe that happens to be teeming with demons rippling with advanced force!
Let's call it the Demon Realm.
The Demon Realm is ruled by badasses, such as yours truly, known as Demon Lords. Some planets are ruled by a single Demon Lord. Whereas others have several battling for control, such as the planet I'm from.
I've wanted to be one ever since I was a kid. I knew the path to Demon Lordness would be a dangerous struggle, and once I reached the top everyone would be gunning for me. That was fine with me, I live on danger! That and alcohol, hoes, and meat. . .oh and murder, can't forget murder.
The biggest reason for my ambition was that I was born with a demon gate. A special mark that's bestowed by the demon gods about once every 500 years, and of course I was chosen! With it I can create portals to other worlds and channel Advanced Force from the Demon Realm to anywhere in the multiverse!
The last demon who bore the mark of the Demon Gate was the legendary Zashizuk. He led a massive horde of demons and unleashed an unspeakable evil against the planet earth. Til' one day a foolish samurai stepped forth to oppose him, but don't worry, just before the final blow was struck he tore open a por- oh wait - it says here the final blow was struck. Really he's legendary for being cut in half? With the bar that low I'm a shoo-in!
That's why when I was young I decided to leave home (which is totally NOT a hole under a rock in the middle of a waste land), and enroll in demon magic school. I never expected to bother with an education, but one day I discovered that ancient runes can make things die, so I just had to go! Being a rune master would look great on my demon resume.
Being accepted proved to be a challenge. There were a lot of promising candidates ahead of me. Then one day they all mysteriously died, so I got in. Good things come to those who wait! (with knives.)
I quickly became the best in school. Look, there I am in Miss Succubus's class.
"What is the answer to 5x7? Yes Mozu?"
"The answer is pain."
"Yes yes! The answer is always pain! A, plus, plus, plus, plus, plus!"
"My word he's the smartest boy alive!"
"I want him to be my boyfriend!"
Cue the chorus of classmates chanting my name! This was a daily occurrence. Oh look, now they're carrying me. Awwwww look how happy I am - wait - I'm starting to look adorable! Fast forward! Fast forward!
Ahhhh yes this is more like it. The day I became Demon Lord - huh - say what?! Is this really the only other day in my life worth showing? We just skipped decades! What about all those epic duels and steamy nights!? Somebody's fired!
Oh well, I guess I can talk about the greatest accomplishment of my amazing life.
I'd been preparing my whole life for the day. I knew it was time. I had become a rune sage, not to mention a master of Advanced Force and martial arts. A mighty warrior of sword and sorcery! In short, a bad ass.
I certainly looked the part.
Black, face stomping, combat boots. Tight black leather pants, with a chain, so cool. Shirtless, for the ladies. Hair, black as night and spiked to perfection! (Bet you haven't seen a protagonist with spiky black hair before.) Muscles, veiny. Skin, glistening. Chest, that magically displays the exact amount of hair the viewer finds most tantalizing.
I also have a long pointy tail that's good for stabby stab. It's also great for choking people out, something my more freaky hoes love! Then there's my horns. Big, black, and curved (for the ladies). Definitely gives me a regal look.
Well anyway, back to the day I became a Demon lord.
Honestly, the event itself was a tad anticlimactic. I had been serving in the previous Lord's army to get close to him, as well as to show off my power in front of my future minions. The old Demon Lord was powerful, but it was clear he was in over his head. The stress of ruling was getting to him, so one day I came to him and offered to take the whole thing off his hands. He was overjoyed with the idea. He gave away the throne in exchange for a rope necklace and a tree to live in.
I still visit him from time to time. He's a swell guy, although lately he's been letting himself go. He used to be all skin and bones now he's just bones. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I killed him. He's a dead guy.
With him out of the way I wasted no time on my way to take the castle. There I was finally crowned: The Great Mozufuntaroshinzafako Demon Lord of House Anus! Wait, why are you laughing?! You're ruining a magic moment!
My first order of business was to issue an official proclamation calling for more hoes to report to the royal harem. Hoes came flooding in so quickly I had to build a new harem palace!
Now I don't want you thinking the girls were forced to become my concubines, they all came willingly. The Demon Realm is a harsh place only the strong can make it out there, so it makes sense that they'd be willing to join a harem in exchange for three meals and a cock- I mean cot.
Of course we all know the main reason is they all wanted an audience with Master Mahan! That's what I call my soldier. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go ask your mom. She'll probably ban you from reading light novels for a month. Oughta do you some good, you weeb.
Hoes weren't the only ones flocking to me. Demons from all around came begging to serve me. I soon had a horde of servants and a mighty army. Things were looking up.
There was one snafu however. A bunch of my subjects got together and demanded I fix the food shortage problem. I went out and had a little chat with them. I agreed to fix things if they'd help me with a little project of mine. I got my perpetually flaming body pit, and we never had a problem with food shortages again. Everybody wins!
After that things went so well I decided to give all my hoes a promotion. I mean why wouldn't I? They let me put things in their butts!
I had everything you could imagine. All the ale I could drink, the finest meats, hoes for days. A rapidly filling perpetually flaming body pit. Yes that's right I had it all! That is, until. . . it was all. . . taken from me. I'm sorry I need a moment.
Greetings! It is I! Izorat! Mozu's smartest minion. Mozu can't narrate right now because he's busy being a misery sack. Look at him, sulking over his lost realm like a lil' baby. This requires sad music. I shall now sing to you.
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
My dumb Master got his ass cursed
Now he's sad bunny.
Izorat! What the hell are you doing?! Get outta here!
Now where was I? Oh yes my reign. I said I had everything, but that wasn't totally true. I still lacked my greatest ambition. Conquest. I had yet to conquer the other Demon Lords on my planet.
After that I was planning on invading someplace a little more. . .green. How about Earth? That's right I was coming for you fart monkey people, but first I'd create an even bigger harem! Hey I wasn't goofing off, I was consolidating power!
I thought I had all the time in the multiverse. That is until the day. . .she. . .came.
It was a day like any other. I had just finished touring the torture chambers and had just entered the harem. At this point I'd given up on naming my hoes and switched to a simple numerical system.
Ho #274 "It's Mozu! Mozu's Here!"
Ho #421 "Master Mozu tell me I'm ugly!"
Ho #369 "Hey Mozu wanna watch me shove a-"
Suddenly space itself tore open behind me. Tendrils of energy lashed out and grabbed me before I could even react.
"What the fuuuuuuuuu-"
My hoes just stood there and blankly stared as I was ripped away. Protecting me from random dimensional vortexes isn't their job, but showing a little initiative would have been nice!
Ho #369 "Should I still get the cactus?" The other two hoes could only shrug. (My answer is 'yes' by the way.)