We were running. No—gliding. No—running again.
Bro. I swear we broke the sound barrier like twice.
The Knights were after us like Mondstadt's entire wine stash depended on it, and we were out here speedrunning felonies like it's a minigame.
"GO LEFT!" Venti shouted.
I went right. Lumine followed me.
"WHY ARE YOU ALL FOLLOWING ME?!" I yelled, because clearly, I was just the designated idiot in this party.
"I THOUGHT YOU KNEW WHERE TO GO!" Lumine cried.
"DO I LOOK LIKE A MAP TO YOU?!"
"GUYS! THIS WAY!" Paimon screeched, hovering like a GPS having a mental breakdown.
Somehow, somehow, we skid-parkoured-glidethrust our way straight into the warm, welcoming doors of Mondstadt's coziest crime shelter: Angel's Share.
I slammed the door shut behind us and threw myself against it like the Knights were zombies in a survival game. "We made it," I gasped, sliding down dramatically. "Holy shit, we actually—"
And then I looked up.
Time froze.
He stood there. Behind the counter. Like a Greek statue brought to life and sprinkled with tragic backstory and wine-scented aesthetic.
Diluc.
DILUC. RAGNVINDR.
The Pyro Daddy himself.
My jaw dropped. My soul evaporated. My sexuality glitched.
I mean—I'm straight. Totally. I like Nilou. Nilou is wife. Nilou is love. Nilou is life.
I'm straight.
But then again...
So was spaghetti.
Until it got wet.
"Bro," I whispered, stunned. "He's so fucking handsome."
Lumine blinked at me. "Are you okay?"
"I'm straight," I said too fast. "Totally. Just. I get it now. I get the simping. Real-life girls, anime girls, fanboys, fanfics. All of them. I understand."
Paimon: "Are you crying?"
"No," I sniffled. "It's just... he's real."
Diluc raised an eyebrow from behind the bar like we were rats that wandered into a five-star restaurant. "Can I help you?"
"Yes," Venti blurted.
"We'd like a table that doesn't come with handcuffs and felony charges." I interrupted before he started with his poetic nonsense again.
He stared. The man stared. Then pointed to the upstairs table like he was used to dumbasses stumbling in every Tuesday.
Up we went. Hideout mode: activated.
Just as we were starting to breathe like normal humans again, the door burst open downstairs.
Clank. Clank. Clank.
Oh shit.
A group of Knights marched in. Heavy boots. Stern faces. Full NPC script energy.
"Master Diluc, a pleasant evening," the lead Knight began with a suspicious look, "we're in pursuit of four fugitives."
I immediately started sweating bullets.
"One of them is a bard. Green. Talks too much. Probably drunk."
Venti gave a dramatic gasp like he was honored to be recognized.
"The second is a blonde traveler—likely with a sword."
Lumine rolled her eyes. "How original."
"Third is a small floating... fairy-like thing. Talks a lot as well."
"Hey!" Paimon screeched. "Paimon do not talk a lot!"
"And the fourth," the Knight paused, "is described as... an idiot."
...
"That could be anyone," I muttered under my breath.
"He apparently screamed 'FUCK YEAH, WE GOT IT!' inside the Cathedral and 'YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE' while running and then tripped on a cabbage."
I froze.
Lumine: "...You tripped on a what?"
I leaned over. "Mondstadt cabbages are built different, okay?"
The Knight continued, "These four individuals broke into the Cathedral and stole the Holy Lyre der Himmel. We believe they may be attempting to contact Stormterror."
I internally screamed.
Diluc, in his eternal calm, wiped the bar like he was cleaning up our sins. "Haven't seen anyone like that," he said smoothly.
The Knights glanced around, nodded stiffly, and left without another word.
I collapsed against the railing. "Bro saved our lives. I'm naming my future cat after him."
The Knights muttered among themselves and left.
I was in awe. He lied for us. He protected us. He saved my dumb criminal soul.
Spaghetti status: wobbly.
Minutes later, we came downstairs. Venti had already committed another crime by stealing a whole-ass wine bottle and pretending he was gonna pay.
"I would like to order a glass of your finest—"
"You can put the bottle you stole behind the counter," Diluc said, not even looking up.
Caught. Red-handed. Red-wined.
Lumine sighed. Paimon was about to combust. I just stood there like this was the best sitcom episode I've ever lived through.
"Everyone," Venti gestured dramatically, "meet the mighty Master Diluc!"
I gasped. Loudly.
"I KNOW WHO HE IS!" I stage-whispered. "Millions of fangirls and fanboys are down horrendous for him. Dude has entire novels dedicated to his tragic backstory. There's fanart! Simpdom! I'm talking merch, mods, whole playlists on Spotify—"
"Okay," Diluc cut in, expression unreadable. "Let's get to the point."
He crossed his arms and looked at us with that silent, judging elegance that made me want to apologize for existing.
"Why," he asked slowly, "did you steal the Holy Lyre der Himmel?"
Dead silence.
I raised my hand. "Because we're stupid?"
Lumine slapped my arm. "We did it to help Stormterror!"
"Oh," I added, "also we're stupid."
Diluc actually cracked a smile. A microscopic one. I saw it. I documented it. I will write about this moment in my memoirs.
Venti took a swig from his not-yet-paid bottle and climbed up on a stool. "Allow me to explain. Through performance."
Diluc deadpanned. "Depending on how good it is, you'll either earn five mora... or the lyre."
I snorted. "Yo Venti, this is your gacha pull moment. All or nothing, baby."
And thus began the most unhinged tavern scene in Mondstadt history.
You'd think that after committing several felonies, speedrunning our wanted levels, and emotionally short-circuiting over Diluc's face, I'd get a break. But no. Life said: plot time. Again.
Venti decided it was performance hour. AGAIN.
This bard went full theatre kid in Angel's Share, arms flailing, voice rising, dramatically reenacting the whole Dvalin saga like we hadn't heard it for the 76th time. I sat there like a drained phone battery while he passionately yelled about how "THE WINDS WEPT FOR OUR FALLEN FRIEND," and I swear I saw a tear in his eye. Might've been wine. Might've been feelings.
Diluc blinked. Slowly. "Why are you telling me this?"
We all just shrugged. I think even Venti forgot why he started.
"Maybe the wind planned it this way," Venti said with the confidence of someone who lost the plot halfway through but kept going anyway.
I swear, bro just said "Wind" and expected that to be a valid excuse for everything.
Anyway. Diluc finally sighed and said he'd try making some contacts. Legend. King. Mr. "I-Hate-Everyone-But-Still-Save-the-Day."
Lumine, being the beautiful, blonde, totally-not-wanted face of the group, got a pass. Apparently, she's the Honorary Knight and doesn't raise suspicions. Must be nice not being an international dumbass.
Meanwhile me, Paimon, and Venti?
Absolutely screwed.
"Paimon literally floats," Diluc muttered. "And you—" he looked me dead in the eyes "—there are only so many idiots in Mondstadt. People will talk."
That was the most savage way I've ever been called recognizable.
So yeah. We were grounded. No flying, gliding, wandering, or even grocery shopping. We'd meet again the next night and hope nobody turned us in for breathing in public.
*THE NEXT DAY*
I was lounging upstairs, fighting for my life against boredom -and also Paimon, who was trying to steal my snacks-, when the door opened.
Lumine walked in. Looking all hero-mode and righteous. And right behind her was—
DILUC.
And then. Then.
JEAN.
Jean.
Bro.
BRO!
My brain exploded. I stared. My soul levitated.
They walked in side by side, all tall and noble and golden-haired and mysterious and "we-know-exactly-what-we're-doing-even-if-we-don't." It was majestic. It was elegant. It was the slow burn childhood friends-to-lovers-to-coworkers-to-secretly-married trope in real time.
I gasped. I whispered to Paimon, "They are so married."
Paimon blinked. "What?"
"Don't tell me you don't see the chemistry?!" I whispered-shouted. "I'm telling you, Paimon, this is the Parents of Mondstadt. THE ship. The one that sails itself. Peak power couple energy. The way she walks beside him? The mutual respect? The emotional damage in his eyes? That's love, Paimon. Love."
Paimon floated back half a meter. "You're really weird, you know that? Paimon doesn't get how your brain works."
"I've seen fanart, Paimon. I've read the fics. I know."
Meanwhile, downstairs, Diluc was already explaining things like we hadn't just committed a whole Shakespearean act up here.
Jean had apparently come as Jean and not the Acting Grandmaster because Diluc didn't trust the other knights. I mean, fair. The Knights of Favonius are... yeah. They try.
Except for Jean. Jean is basically carrying the entire office on her back and still answers emails.
And since they're already here?
Shits about to go down. And so we do.
She asked about the Holy Lyre. Like, can it actually purify Dvalin? Is this some Venti-brand nonsense again or are we saving a dragon today?
Venti nodded seriously. Which was shocking. I thought he was gonna bust into a song. But he was all, "Yes. It can. It must."
Diluc narrowed his eyes. "Still sounds insane."
Jean, however, believed. Of course she did. She's Jean.
"Dvalin is one of the Four Winds," she said. "His betrayal must have a reason."
Meanwhile, I was in the corner trying not to fanboy.
Jean also added something about secrecy—because if people found out the literal Stormterror was once a Mondstadt guardian, things would go south faster than Kaeya's sarcasm.
Plus, the Fatui were already breathing down their necks with all their diplomatic passive-aggressive nonsense. Ugh.
Diluc just "hmph"-ed. You know. That special broody sound he does.
"This is why I don't like the Knights of Favonius," he said. "Except you, of course."
And then he looked straight at Jean. "But what surprises me is how easily you can trust... an outlander..." HE then looks at me like I did something wrong again even though I haven't left here and did nothing yet. "...and an idiot."
OUCH.
Paimon: "He's talking about you."
Me: "I know. Let me pretend he's not."
Jean just smiled lightly and said, word for word:
"My cautious and meticulous superior, even you trust them, don't you, sir?"
That's when it happened.
Diluc flinched. Actual flinch. "I told you not to call me 'sir.'"
And then... he sighed. "Never mind. It's not often we get to work together after all."
I grinned. I couldn't help it.
I leaned toward Paimon and muttered, "She can call him darling instead, ain't that right?"
Paimon turned to me with the deadest look. "This... is a bit awkward."
I smiled wider. "Awkwardly canon, Paimon."
Meanwhile, Lumine was doing her best to be the only functioning adult in the room. Which is wild considering she's also the one who stole a magical artifact just yesterday.
Venti, who was once again sipping wine he definitely didn't pay for, stood up like he was going to launch into another song.
"Please don't," I said.
Jean: "He's going to."
Diluc: "He always does."
Venti: "Let the wind guide me!"
Everyone else: sighs in Mondstadt.
And so began the next part of our "secret plan" —
More hiding. More sneaking. More idiocy.
But also...
More slow-burn married energy between Jean and Diluc.
And I? I was ready.
_______________________________________________
End of Chapter 8
Quest completed: stole the lyre from the Cathedral and avoid getting sent behind bars.
Rewards: Holy Lyre der Himmel, Diluc and jean's trust, Emotional Damage from being called "an idiot" by Diluc, +1 Hidden Jeanluc Shipping Fanclub Badge (unofficial), and +10 Suspicion Points in Mondstadt.