And that was how we defeated a giant sky lizard, survived a collapsing platform, and emotionally rehabilitated a dragon with the power of friendship, sass, and a suspiciously powerful bard.
Cue credits.
...Oh wait. No. Apparently we still had things to do. Ugh. Responsibility is the real final boss.
So yeah. Next day, bright and early, we start strolling back to Mondstadt. Venti was probably hungover. Jean, being Jean, had somehow teleported back to the city first to do paperwork. Like, are we sure she's not secretly a five-star speedster character? Girl finished fighting a dragon and went, "Time to file a report."
I don't even file my thoughts.
And guess who else got dragged into that bureaucratic hell? Me. Because apparently, "saving the city" doesn't count unless you also write about it. Jean told me I needed to 'clarify the events for the official records.' I told her I can clarify one thing: I nearly peed my pants, TWICE.
Anyway, on the way back, we ran into Amber! That energetic bunny girl! ...Okay, okay. She's not actually a bunny girl, but her head ribbon says otherwise and I refuse to let that go.
"Shigeru!! Traveler!! You guys did it!!" she said, doing that whole anime sparkle jump thing. "You saved Mondstadt!"
I saluted with pride. "Yep! All in a day's work. Dragon therapy and accidental heroism."
She laughed, then turned a bit serious. "Actually... while you guys were gone, there was another monster attack on the city."
I blinked. "HUH?! Who's attacking while we're out doing dragon duty?! Is this like when you do co-op and your world gets invaded?"
Amber nodded. "It was bad. No one major got hurt, but they hit fast. Jean wasn't here, and neither was Diluc."
I side-eyed the sky. "Huh. So this is what happens when Diluc takes a day off. World ends."
Amber laughed again. "He's not even part of the Knights anymore!"
"Yeah, well, try telling that to my DPS build."
I turned to Lumine. "Did I ever tell you I once abused a bug with Diluc and Venti on my team? It was so busted. I was basically playing Easy Mode."
Lumine gave me a look. "Huh? What are you even talking about?"
Anyway. Somehow, through a chain of chaotic small talk and my tragic stomach growling, we all ended up agreeing to eat Sticky Honey Roast. Don't ask me how. It's like tradition. Emotional fallout? Sticky Honey Roast. Dragon crisis? Sticky Honey Roast. Ran into an ex? Definitely Sticky Honey Roast.
So we marched into the city, and guess what? People kept stopping us. Like actual, genuine thanks! Some folks even bowed! Some guy offered me a free cabbage! A kid gave me a dandelion!
And then...
"Thank you for everything, brave heroes!"
"You were incredible up there, especially the girl with the glowing sword!"
"And that... thief-looking one too. He was loud. But brave."
"HEY! I'm not a thief-looking— okay fine but at least call me charismatic."
"...You were loud."
My pride took damage, but I pretended it didn't. That's what heroes do.
We arrived at Good Hunter where we were greeted by—oh boy—Kaeya.
Now, listen. I know Kaeya's cool and all, but I don't trust people with eyepatches and hidden motives. Especially ones who flirt with everything that breathes. And who probably drank all the emergency wine reserves last month.
Kaeya smirked the moment he saw us. "Well well well. Look who the wind blew back in. Heroes of Mondstadt. And Shigeru."
I raised an eyebrow. "Oh I'm sorry, are you working, or just on your way to seduce someone's aunt again?"
"Can't I do both?"
Lumine snorted. Paimon giggled. I almost respected that comeback.
We all sat down, ordered food, and Kaeya—shockingly—noted something serious for once.
"There's something troubling. The monsters who attacked weren't just random. They were being directed."
I froze mid-sip of juice. "Directed? By who? Did someone submit a monster battle plan to HR?"
Kaeya's smirk faded. "The Abyss Order. And... they were taking commands from someone they called 'the Prince.'"
I slowly turned to Lumine and leaned in, whispering:
"So... uh... not to be that guy... but that sounds like your brother."
Lumine gave me a LOOK. A very intense, "Shigeru I swear to Barbatos" look.
Before we could go deeper into the familial drama, Amber popped up again, cheerful as ever.
"Alright! Time to eat!"
Kaeya vanished. Like, literally just slipped out while no one was watching. Man's like a ninja in a pirate cosplay.
So we ate. And let me tell you—Sticky Honey Roast? BANGS. I was vibing. Food was healing my soul. Venti wasn't here yet, which meant peace and quiet. Temporarily.
After the meal, the gang — aka Me, Lumine, and Floating Emergency Food — made our way to the Favonius Cathedral to return the Hole Lyre der Himmel.
Ah yes. The mighty divine lyre. Our one and only bardic MacGuffin.
Spoiler: It's still broken.
We entered the cathedral with reverence and grace—well, they did. I tripped on the stairs but styled it out.
Inside, we saw Jean waiting for us near the altar. Yup, she beat us here again. Probably finished three reports while sipping tea.
Jean gave us a smile, that kind of tired-but-grateful one. "Thank you for returning the lyre. Barbara, I believe you haven't officially met our guests."
Beside her, an actual ray of sunshine in human form gave a polite little wave. Barbara. Mondstadt's resident idol nun. Literal sparkles when she moves.
"Oh my gosh," Barbara beamed. "You must be the ones who helped save Dvalin! I've heard so much about you!"
"Only the good stuff, I hope," I said, attempting charm.
Barbara giggled. "Mostly!"
She gently took the lyre from us. "Thank you for returning the Holy Lyre. The people of Mondstadt owe you so much."
I gave a thumbs-up. "No prob! Always happy to return broken instruments that may or may not have been used to emotionally manipulate a dragon."
Barbara looked at the lyre... and paused.
Her eyes widened. "...Oh Barbatos."
Paimon floated forward nervously. "Yeah, about that..."
Barbara's voice trembled. "It's... it's in ruins! This... this is sacrilege! Even if I were to atone every day for the rest of my life..."
"Okay wow. That escalated fast."
Then out of literally nowhere, Venti appeared.
No doors opened. No footsteps. He was just... there.
Paimon yelped, "GAH! TONE-DEAF BARD?!"
I flinched. "Do you have stealth mode or something??!"
Venti just hummed and casually plucked a string on the broken lyre. "Hmm... Still playable."
Barbara stared at him like he just kicked a puppy. "I BEG YOUR PARDON?!"
"Relax. Just let me handle it—I am Mondstadt's most charming repairman."
He took the lyre, strummed it a few times, whispered something that sounded vaguely like "Barbatos, do your thing," and boom—somehow, it made a sound again.
Barbara gasped. "Wait... that worked?!"
I squinted. "Hold up. That thing still looks like it lost a fight with a Hilichurl and a thunderstorm."
Venti grinned. "Looks can be deceiving! It has... character now."
Barbara hesitated, then slowly nodded. "Well... I guess it does still play."
She gently cradled the lyre. "I'll keep it safe. Thank you all again."
Jean nodded solemnly. "I'll make sure it's recorded properly this time. No more misunderstandings."
Venti did a dramatic, flourishing bow. "Just doing my duty as the wind's most beloved bard."
"Your duty is being suspicious!" Paimon screeched, immediately chasing after him through the cathedral.
He ran, laughing like a drunk squirrel, weaving through pews and stained-glass light.
And me?
I just stood in the back, watching the chaos unfold, arms crossed and grinning like a proud lunatic.
"This city is insane," I muttered. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."
And so like, have you ever have that one moment where you're just walking, vibing, enjoying your day after nearly dying from emotional dragon therapy, and then suddenly your brain just clicks?
Like, mid-step, mid-thought, mid-Sticky Honey Roast digestion, it hit me.
"OH SHIT. This is the part where Venti gets bodybagged by a baddie!"
I kid you not. My soul left my body for two seconds. I looked around like I was trying to find the hidden camera crew of Mondstadt's Worst Moments Live. But nope. No camera. No Paimon commentary. Just vibes. Dangerous, plot-thickening vibes.
So I did the only logical thing:
I bolted.
I was halfway down the cathedral steps when I heard a commotion from the plaza. Loud footsteps. That ominous wind shift that screams "boss battle incoming." And then—boom. There it was.
The Attack.
Fatui agents, two of them. They lunged like someone dropped free mora. And standing right in front of them?
Lumine. Protecting Venti like the badass main character she is. Deflecting attacks, glowy sword out, dramatic wind blowing her hair like she's in an anime opening.
Me? I ducked behind a wall. Like a hero.
Look. I'm waiting for my timing, okay? Don't judge me.
My brain was racing. I was thinking, "Okay, okay. I've played enough games to know how this goes. We let the cutscene roll, wait for the QTE, and then I'll swoop in like a badass. Hopefully. Maybe. Probably not."
But then...
She appeared.
Oh no.
Ohhhh no no no.
LA SIGNORA.
The woman. The legend. The tall, baddie, heels-clicking, ice-wielding, probably-smells-like-vanilla-and-danger villainess.
You know. The one Raiden Shogun cremated later- wait. Never mind. That's spoilers.
But back here? Oh, she was thriving. With just a snap of her fingers—snap!—Paimon froze solid mid-squeak, Venti's feet were iced to the floor, and Lumine got jumped by two agents before she could even monologue.
Then the sass began.
"At last. Mondstadt's rodent ruler in the flesh," she purred. "Scurrying through the streets looking for leftovers. Mondstadt calls this a god?"
Girl was vicious.
Venti, being Venti, hit back with poetic salt:
"A resident rodent beats an invasive vermin," he shot back.
I was behind the wall and was like, "YO GET HER, BARD!! THAT'S MY WINDY BOY!!"
...Then she slapped him.
Hard.
Like, "I felt that in my nonexistent man-boobs" hard.
"Don't you dare speak back to me, insolent bard!" she snapped.
Venti groaned and flexed his anemo aura, freeing his frosty feet. Good job, wind boy! I was cheering silently like a proud stage mom. Maybe with pom-poms. Imaginary ones. Very supportive.
Just a little bit more... I told myself. Wait for the right moment. Build the drama. Let the music swell.
Venti tried to stand tall. Spitting rhymes like a true bard:
"Your chill may sting, but I still sing, for freedom's winds shall ever spring."
Signora? Not impressed.
She hurled her ice magic, launching him backward. Then, just as she cocked her fist to punch this poor god right in the lyrical gut—
I jumped in.
Like a goddamn legend.
"IT'S HERO TIME!!" I yelled.
And then promptly got decked.
That punch? Bro. It was like catching a truck with my spleen. The same truck that sent me here.
WHAM!
I saw stars. Maybe also Nilou. Maybe my ancestors. Maybe a limited banner character I didn't pull.
But I still managed to wheeze, "R-Run!"
Signora, standing over me, tilted her head and grabbed my face. "And who are you supposed to be?"
I blinked.
Saw her up close for the first time.
And I don't know what came over me, but I blurted out,
"Yes, Mommy?"
There was silence.
Her: "What?"
Me: "What?"
Venti: "What?"
Lumine still fighting off agents: "WHAT?!"
Even the Fatui guys were like, "...What?"
One of them even lowered his weapon. I swear I saw him raise a brow like, Bro, you good?
Signora: "Forget it," and promptly yeeted me like a sack of radishes.
I hit the ground. Again.
I may have bounced.
She turned back to Venti, gripped his chest, and yanked something glowing out of him.
The Gnosis.
He collapsed.
Me? Still wheezing. Broken ribs? Maybe. Dignity? Absolutely shattered. But spirit? Unkillable.
I groaned, "All that... for nothing... But it's worth it..."
Signora held up the Gnosis and sneered. "So this is a Gnosis? Ugh. I wouldn't be caught dead wearing this ugly thing in public."
Venti, bless him, even while half-dead, still managed a diss,
"Beauty is a waste... when the beholder has no taste."
He got kicked for that.
Hard.
Lumine cried out, still held down by Fatui goons. Venti rolled, groaning.
Me? Still on the floor.
I might've whispered, "Worth it..."
Signora waved her hand. "We got what we came here for. Come, before our Favonian friends arrive. Leave nothing for them to find."
The Fatui began retreating.
One of them clocked Lumine in the back of the head before leaving. Rude.
I tried to get up, finger pointing, dramatic as hell.
"I'll remember your faces! Even if you have uhh... masks on?!"
They didn't reply.
I collapsed again.
Paimon? Still frozen like an extra from Ice Age.
And so, the aftermath? All three of us were down for the count.
My ribs hurt, my pride was crying, and I was starting to question everything.
But one thing was clear.
I fought the Fatui, met the baddest woman alive, called her Mommy, got punched in the soul, and somehow survived.
What a day.
What a MOMMY—I mean, moment.
_________________________________
End of Chapter 14
Quest Completed: Survive the Mommy (Boss) Fight
Rewards: +100 EXP, +1 Ice Burn, +10 Confusion from the Fatui, -50 Dignity, +1 Legendary Punch to the Face, and +1 Emergency Room Trip (pending).