So, I woke up this morning with leaves in my mouth.
Literal. Leaves.
One was sticking out of my nostril. Another got wedged in places leaves should never, ever be.
Now you may be wondering, "Shigeru, my dude, why are you sleeping outside like some half-baked dendro slime?" And to that, I say, valid question. I, too, am asking myself that as I lie here with morning dew soaking through my clothes, the campfire's scent of overcooked fish haunting my soul like a traumatic culinary ghost.
Right. Who in their right mind sleeps outside with just a blanket in cold weather? Beside a campfire that now smells like someone cremated a Bass and called it gourmet?
Me. I do. This idiot.
In my defense, grass looked comfy last night. And the stars? Fake. But pretty. And I was having a moment, okay?
And let me tell you—it builds character. And regret. A lot of regret.
I sat up, cracking my back in seven different ways, and glared at the nearby tent like it personally betrayed me.
I turned my head and saw the tent—the one I did NOT enter—and heard soft snores coming from inside. Probably Paimon, snoring like a chainsaw being slowly strangled, and Lumine, who definitely hogged the only pillow.
"You traitors," I mumbled.
Inside, Paimon and Lumine were still peacefully snoozing like they didn't just commit social betrayal by leaving me out here to become one with the ecosystem.
With the energy of a man who has re-evaluated all his life choices before 7 AM, I crawled toward the tent and slapped the side of it like it owed me money. "Hey! Rise and shine, criminals-in-training! We've got a murder to attend!"
Paimon floated out with bedhead that somehow made her more spherical. "Murder!?"
"Yup," I nodded solemnly, "Today, we witness the majestic event of a god getting assassinated in broad daylight. And guess who's gonna be at the scene of the crime with no alibi?"
Paimon blinked. "...Us?"
Lumine peeked out, hair perfectly messy, blinking blearily. "What are you talking about?"
"Geo Daddy dies today. Publicly. On a rock. It's tradition."
They both stared at me like I was insane. Which is fair.
After all, we were about to watch the literal god of contracts and business deals get assassinated like some mythological Game of Thrones plot twist. I knew it was coming. I've played the game. I'd seen the leaks. The theories. The Youtube thumbnails on the first release with titles like "REX LAPIS DEATH EXPLAINED (YOU WON'T BELIEVE #4)" and reaction faces that looked like they'd just seen Celestia descend.
Yeah, I'm that guy. I'm a walking spoiler. Sue me.
Lumine, bless her spoiler-free soul, was still confused. "Wait, someone's going to die?"
I shrugged. "Allegedly. Depends on how you define 'giant celestial dragon being publicly executed mid-sky for dramatic effect.'"
Paimon: "Shigeru, that sounds terrible!"
Me: "It is terrible. That's why we're front row, baby."
Lumine was still processing things when she asked, "Wait—why are we going to Liyue again?"
Paimon, who was now fully awake and functioning like a tiny floating wiki, answered, "To witness the Rite of Descension! It's when Morax—aka Rex Lapis—descends to deliver guidance to the people of Liyue!"
I, meanwhile, was grinning to myself like a maniac.
Because while they were hyped for godly contracts and ancient tradition, I had my priorities straight.
Keqing.
My cat lady queen. The lightning-fast, no-nonsense, violet-eyed beauty with a tsundere attitude and legs that could kick me into next week.
Geo Archon? Who?
I'm here for the purple-haired workaholic with an existential crisis over divine authority.
I whispered to myself, "Forget Geo Daddy… I'm here for Cat Lady Keqing."
Paimon floated away mumbling, "He's lost it. He's officially lost it."
And thus, our journey to Liyue truly began.
To witness murder, be marked as fugitives, and—if I'm lucky—get electrocuted by the love of my life.
What a beautiful day.
P.S. Nilou is still number one. Please don't let this file be used in court.
***
So we finally arrived in Liyue.
Ah, yes—Liyue. The city of contracts. The land of geo. The place where architecture and aesthetic had a passionate love affair and birthed pure elegance. Mountains, lanterns, the occasional bird trying to poop on your head—it's all here.
Naturally, I was still thinking about Keqing.
"Where should we go first?" Paimon asked, floating around like she was sightseeing and not about to be framed for deicide.
I was this close to throwing my arms up and dramatically screaming 'CAT LADY!' to the heavens—like, full volume, no shame—but then Lumine, who's been acting like she downloaded the Tsundere Expansion Pack overnight, crossed her arms and stared me down like I just stepped on her favorite slime plushie.
"Well? Since you apparently know everything, even mumbling about some 'cat lady' the entire way here… what's the plan, so-called walking spoiler?"
I blinked at her. Then grinned.
"To the Yujing Terrace, we go!" I declared, pointing heroically like I wasn't just leading us to a crime scene.
"Oh no," Paimon mumbled.
We marched through the marble-paved streets, past merchants selling overpriced tofu and children yelling about rocks, until we reached the Yujing Terrace. I raised a hand dramatically toward the giant ancient lamp-looking thing in the side.
"We're making wishes here," I said solemnly.
Lumine squinted. "Because it's culturally appropriate?"
"No," I said. "Because the vibes are immaculate."
They stared.
"Also I just think it'll look cool if something dramatic happens after we wish. You know, like foreshadowing."
And THEN—I saw her.
There, on a pristine balcony, surrounded by elegance, was her.
Long legs, longer hair, that regal aura that screams rich auntie who can buy you and your entire bloodline.
I pointed wildly. "SEE THAT HOT LADY OVER THERE? THAT'S NINGGUANG."
Paimon blinked. "Who?"
"She's the CEO of Liyue. The monopoly empress. Probably pays rent to herself. I'm pretty sure gravity here is subscription-based and she owns the premium tier. If you trip on a pebble—it's cause she let you."
Lumine: "That's not how gravity—"
"Shhh," I hushed her, placing a hand over my chest like I was about to recite poetry. "This is my moment. My TED Talk. My Oscar speech. Let me have this."
"Okay, now what?" Lumine asked, visibly regretting all her life decisions.
I grinned. "Now… we wait."
We squished ourselves into the crowd, squeezing past elderly women and one suspiciously buff flower vendor. Eventually, we made it to the front. Ningguang raised her hand, and the air shimmered like drama itself was about to descend.
Sky: darkens.
Wind: howls.
Me: vibrating with excitement.
And then—BOOM. SKY LIZARD.
A giant celestial lizard corpse came spiraling from the heavens like someone dropped their pet dragon mid-flight.
It slammed into the ground with all the grace of a flying refrigerator.
I nudged Lumine and Paimon.
"Told you so."
Ningguang, barely flinching, calmly announced, "Rex Lapis has been killed." Then, louder, "Seal the exits!"
I nudged them again. "This is the part where we get blamed. Because we're conveniently new, foreign, and not rich."
And lo—Millelith soldiers came flooding in like the most judgmental bouncers ever.
They started interrogating people at lightning speed.
One of them pointed at us.
I grinned. "RUN!"
And so we did.
We bolted through alleyways, knocking over fruit stands, getting yelled at by grandmas, and somehow gaining three chickens as enemies along the way.
Of course, we still got cornered.
Classic.
Ten Millelith guards surrounded us. I could practically hear the you are under arrest music cue.
Then—
"Hey girlie, hold still!"
Hydro arrows whistled through the air, pinning two guards to the wall.
Out stepped a man who looked like Ed Sheeran if he went to the gym and decided emotions were optional.
I blinked. "Did he just—did he just call Lumine 'girlie'?"
"Seriously?" I looked at him. "There's a dude here, bro."
But Childe—because yes, it was him—just smirked and summoned his hydro blades like a budget anime villain.
He slashed through the guards like he was dancing.
We just stood there watching him.
I elbowed Lumine. "That's him. That's the Ed Sheeran looking guy I was talking about. Childe. Or Tartaglia. Or Ajax. Dude collects names like I collect regrets."
He looked back at us, flashing a charming but mildly threatening grin. "Come with me if you don't want to be executed."
So obviously, we went.
Because at this point, our choices were, first Get arrested for godslaughter, second Follow the sexy ginger war criminal.
And I, Shigeru, am nothing if not a man of culture. But we still need to run.
And so we did. Like really fast. As if a group of dogs chasing us but more buff and with spears.
Panting. Gasping. Wheezing.
We weren't even out of the plaza yet and Paimon sounded like she'd just run a marathon with bricks taped to her wings.
"HOW—HUFF—MUCH—FARTHER?!" she cried, dramatically slumping over Lumine's head like a dying opera singer.
I, in my infinite wisdom and infinite lung capacity, decided to offer some much-needed encouragement.
"Bro. You float." I shot her a look. "You literally grab onto Lumine's hair for traction. I saw it. Don't lie."
She huffed. "Do you know how exhausting emotionally it is to be chased for murder?!?"
"Try existing like me."
Before our philosophical debate on cardio vs levitation could continue, Lumine narrowed her eyes and asked the most unnecessary question of the century.
"So... who are you?"
I paused mid-step.
Wasn't she there like ten minutes ago when I—
Mental facepalm. Deep, soul-shaking facepalm.
"That's Childe," I said, waving lazily at the man who had just saved our butts with all the subtlety of an anime intro.
"With an E," I added dramatically. "He goes by many names. Childe. Tartaglia. Ajax. The Ginger Menace. Budget Diluc. You name it."
Childe raised a brow, clearly amused. "Seems like you know me?"
I grinned like a raccoon that just found a dumpster full of secrets.
"Of course! You're one of the Fat Chewy Hamburgers!"
He blinked. "That's Fatui Harbingers."
"Yeah yeah," I waved him off. "Same shit. One sounds tastier."
Paimon gasped like I had just confessed to dating Signora.
"You're friends with that scary lady?!"
And just like that, the ginger's smirk faltered. For one brief second, you could see the realization hit him like a Hilichurl with a tax bill.
"Ah," he said. "You're talking about—"
"Chill, Emergency Food," I interrupted, patting her tiny shoulder. "He's one of the cool guys I mentioned. But Capitano? Still the GOAT."
Childe narrowed his eyes slightly. "You know The Captain?"
"Yeah! Cool guy. All black outfit. Awesome mask. I'll probably ship him with the Hot Archon soon and he'll end up saving her from something dramatic. It'll be peak romance."
Silence.
Three sets of eyes stared at me.
Lumine coughed. "Don't worry about him. He's like this all the time."
"Seriously, all the time," Paimon nodded solemnly.
Childe ran a hand through his perfectly styled war criminal hair and tried to regain control of the conversation. "Anyway. I'm here to help."
I raised a brow. "Help? As in, like, give us snacks or betray us later?"
He laughed. "I've been keeping an eye on you since Mondstadt. And when I heard about what happened here, I was sure it wasn't you."
I crossed my arms and gave him a look. "No shit, bro. Who can kill a giant flying lizard mid-air like that? What am I, a sky assassin?"
I Pause for dramatic effect. Because yes. I already knew the plot. But sometimes you gotta say cool stuff anyway.
Childe cleared his throat and continued. "Unfortunately, being a Fatui envoy from Snezhnaya means people tend to assume the worst of me. The Qixing of Liyue… aren't exactly fans."
Lumine cut in, arms folded. "Just keep it short. We're in a hurry."
"Fair." He nodded. "Let's talk at the Northland Bank. Too many ears here."
I blinked. "Wait, you're inviting us to a place run by literal villains?"
He smiled. "I work there."
"Fair enough."
And so we followed him.
Because at this point, the only thing more dangerous than the Fatui… was standing still in public while looking suspicious and foreign.
Also, I wanted to see if the bank had free snacks. Didn't see one in the game.
____________________________________
End of Chapter 17
Quest Completed: Escape the Chinese Royal Guards and Run First, Ask Who That Ginger Was Later
Rewards: +100 Confusion, +1 Criminal Record, +25 Agility, and Free Bank Tour Voucher
Unlocked Fatui Profile: Childe
Trustworthy level: Maybe?
Unlocked Archon Entry: Rex Lapis (Dead af)