So we ended up going to the Northland Bank.
Not because we trust Childe. Nah. That dude radiates the same energy as a super rich villain who'd casually say, "I will kill you, but I will stop someone else from doing it either."
But you know, when you're being framed for godslaughter and have the Liyue equivalent of the FBI breathing down your neck, you start being flexible. Also, I was kinda hoping there'd be free drinks.
So there he was—Childe, standing like some discount Bond villain in front of what he claimed was a bank. Honestly, it looked more like the kind of place that loans you money then sends Abyss Mages after you if you miss a payment.
Paimon hovered up, squinting. "Northland Bank…?"
Childe smiled. "Yes. This bank was opened here in Liyue by Snezhnaya. While Liyue may be the economic hub, Snezhnaya isn't too far behind."
I snorted. "Right. But I don't think other nations greet the Archons of another nation with a slap and a body blow, do they?"
Childe chuckled awkwardly, probably recalling that one time Signora casually disrespected Venti's entire lineage, and I got caught up in it.
He then handed us a sigil. Not even a fancy one. Looked like something from a cereal box. But he said it'd protect us from divine punishment, so I took it. Probably better than the power of friendship.
"Oh, is this that thing that keeps us from getting divine-yeeted by the Adepti?" I asked, flipping it like a coin. "Y'know, 'cause we got accused of murdering their big scaly boss?"
Lumine frowned. "What is an Adepti anyway?"
Oh ho ho.
The stage was mine.
"Ahem," I cleared my throat dramatically. "The Adepti—or Adeptus if you wanna sound extra smart—are like Liyue's Illuminati. Except less shady and more glowy. They're a bunch of illuminated beasts and minor gods, bound by a divine contract to protect Liyue from demons, evil spirits, bad fashion, and occasionally, each other. And they're led by the big man himself—Rex Lapis. Aka, the now-dead but probably not-actually-dead Geo Archon."
They stared.
Paimon blinked. "That made sense but also didn't?"
Lumine nodded. "I understood every word and yet… nothing at all."
"Perfect," I said, satisfied.
Childe took over again, pointing dramatically like a tour guide on caffeine. "To the north of the harbor and west of Guili Plains lies the Stone Forest known as Jueyun Karst. It is said to be the abode of the Adepti."
He even squinted slightly as he said it, probably thinking he looked cool. Bro, this isn't a movie.
"People of Liyue often go there to offer prayers," he added. "Though never beyond the border."
Paimon tilted her head. "But why do we need to go there?"
"Come on, floating food," I said, gesturing wildly. "We've got criminal records now! They're buddies with Rex Lapis. A few nice words from them and boom—we get a decent backer. Way better than this ginger menace here."
Childe coughed politely. "I am trying to help."
"Sure you are, Fat Chewy Hamburger #11."
He gave me a look.
Childe then added, "There are also many reasons mortals seek blessings from the Adepti—wealth, health, love…"
"But for you guys," he said, nodding to me, Lumine, and Paimon, "it's justice."
I gave him a dramatic thumbs-up. "Justice, baby! Gotta clear our name!"
Internally though? I was like, Man, I'm asking for a blessing to get a chance with Nilou. I'm a simp first, criminal second. Priorities, man. Gotta keep 'em straight.
Childe continued, "The Qixing are still searching for the culprits. But let's be real—who could kill a god? Rex Lapis didn't even give up his powers. Meaning something's not right."
In my head, I was like, No shit, Sherlock. That fossil's alive and chillin'. I played the game. I know the plot.
But I just nodded like a good NPC.
"So," Childe concluded, "since Liyue was built by the Geo Archon and the Adepti, finding them is your best chance. Give your statements before the Qixing does something drastic."
Right. Time to meet Liyue's divine avengers squad. Or the Adepti. Whatever. Same energy.
As we started walking, Lumine asked, "So where exactly is Jueyun Karst?"
I stopped mid-step and looked up at the endless skyline of rocks and cliffs.
"…Right," I muttered. "We're gonna climb mountains. After mountains. After mountains."
Paimon floated ahead. "This is worse than Mondstadt!"
"Oh honey," I sighed. "We're not even close to peak suffering yet."
And so, with sore legs, emotional trauma, a growing criminal record, and dreams of waifus guiding me—we set off to scale every rock in Liyue.
***
If you ever want to know what suffering tastes like, let me introduce you to the culinary delicacy known as "climbing mountains with no end in sight." That's exactly what we were doing. Again. For the nth time. You'd think Teyvat would've invented escalators by now. But nope. My calves are crying, my legs are rebelling, and I think even my glutes are filing a complaint.
We left the Northland Bank with a promise: find an Adeptus, gain their blessing, and not get assassinated by the Adepti for allegedly assassinating their boss. Y'know, casual Tuesday stuff. So, like the brave (read: legally hunted) people we were, we began our journey to Jueyun Karst. And by journey, I mean walking, climbing, getting attacked by geo slimes, collecting treasure because kleptomania is part of our brand, and bullying a random Hilichurl just for breathing in our direction. Sorry, little dude. Wrong place, wrong time.
Eventually, after hours of abusing our stamina bars and rethinking our life choices, we reached this shrine-looking spot. Majestic. Peaceful. Spiritual.
...And then a voice boomed out of nowhere.
"And who might there be? Those that enter Jueyun Karst."
Naturally, my first thought was, Oh great, now the mountains are talking. We've angered the geography.
But no.
It was a deer. A huge, majestic, glowing, magical deer that probably does yoga in the clouds or something.
"WHO WAS THE DEER AGAIN?!" my brain screamed internally. Cloud Retainer? Nah, she's the Mommy Bird. Mountain Shaper? That's another bird, I think. Wait... WAIT. Moon Carver! That's the guy! Right, right. The dude with antlers and cryptic vibes.
I casually flashed the Sigil of Permission like a VIP pass at an Adepti concert.
Moon Carver looked at it and was like, "Many a season has passed since one was last in the presence of such an item."
Then he introduced himself all dignified and elegant: "He before you is the mighty and illuminated Adeptus, Moon Carver. Speak, travelers. What business have you here?"
Ah yes. The moment of truth.
I opened my mouth to explain everything. And by that, I mean I unleashed an unhinged rant that probably made no sense.
"So, basically, we got accused of murdering this giant lizard god, and like, we didn't do it, okay? I mean, look at me! I can barely handle climbing rocks without dying! So now we're on this quest to prove our innocence by collecting these glowy things from divine mountain people like yourself, and if we don't, we might end up as prison soup—"
Moon Carver blinked slowly, probably regretting asking.
Paimon floated closer and whispered, "Uh... maybe let us handle this part."
Lumine stepped forward and said, "What he means is—we were present during the Rite of Descension, but we're not the culprits. We're trying to gather information from the Adepti to uncover the truth."
Paimon added, "Yeah! So like, no need to smite us or anything."
And just as things were settling—
"The assassins! Seize them!"
Oh. The Millelith. Great. Like the ancient Chinese version of the FBI just showed up.
"SEE THEM GONE," Moon Carver said like a chill old man who just told his Alexa to play Despacito.
We proceeded to absolutely demolish the Millelith. I'm talking flying swords, explosions, Lumine doing her crazy stuff, me yelling cool catchphrases like, "SQUARE UP, BUDGET CHINESE ROYAL GUARDS!"
After the dust settled, I looked at Moon Carver, fixed my hair, and tried to sound dignified.
"So, yeah, where were we? Right! We didn't kill the dragon. We were just... y'know... at the wrong place, wrong time. Like that Hilichurl earlier."
Moon Carver stared at me like he was seriously reconsidering immortality.
"Preposterous... PREPOSTEROUS!!"
I nodded way too enthusiastically. "Y-Yeah, I know right? Heh... totally agree. Super preposterous."
He went on about how the Qixing were slacking off, and how it was unthinkable that someone could kill Rex Lapis during the Rite of Descension, of all places.
Meanwhile, inside my head, I was like: Dude, your boss is sipping tea somewhere while watching us panic.
But I let him have his moment. Respect your elders, even if they're immortal talking deer gods.
"Travelers," he declared, all dramatic-like, "of the unjust accusations placed upon you, one has become aware. The mind knows its answer. Though one must consult with one's fellows, lest the mind be misjudged. Go. Take your Sigil of Permission. Carry with you a message."
Lumine tilted her head. "What message?"
"Mountain Shaper and Cloud Retainer can be found here. Only fate will decide if you shall find them... only fate..."
"Man's as bad at explaining stuff as I am," I whispered.
Moon Carver continued, "There exists a conqueror of demons. A guardian yaksha. Go to Wangshu Inn. There you shall seek him."
My eyes lit up. "WAIT, IS THAT XIAO!?"
Paimon blinked. "How do you even know that?!"
"That cute little Anemo murder machine? I need his autograph. I need a selfie. I need to flex it online and trigger half the Xiao mains in Teyvat."
Lumine sighed, "Can we focus on not dying before you start your fanboy arc?"
As Moon Carver was turning to leave, I saw my shot. Time to shoot my shot.
"Yo MC! Quick favor! Think you could like... bless me or something? Not for power or anything. Just a little charisma boost, y'know? Something that might make a certain Sumeru dancer fall for me in like... I dunno... 12 Archon Quests from now?"
Moon Carver looked deep into my soul and said, "I can sense the greed and idiocy within you... One suggests you behave first... and maybe, you'll get a shot with that girl with red hair."
I gasped like I just pulled a five-star on 0 pity. Hope? A chance? A blessing?! Was this it? The divine green light from an immortal deer telling me I might not die single?!
My voice cracked with emotion. "You really think so, MC...? You think I've got a shot...?"
Moon Carver just walked away like he regretted ever speaking to me.
"Let's GOOOOOOOOO!!" I fist-pumped the air. "ONWARD! TO MORE ADEPTI! AND TO AVOID PRISON!"
And so, with Moon Carver's cryptic deer wisdom echoing in the background and the scent of divine judgment still fresh in the air, we made our way down from his celestial deer dojo or whatever that place was. My legs were jelly, my brain was mashed potatoes, and my emotional stability? Missing. Probably out climbing another mountain.
Look, I'm all for winging things in life. Quests? Winging it. Battles? Also winging it. My relationships with NPCs and gacha banners? Extreme winging. But as we left Moon Carver's totally chill mountain retreat—aka our spiritual awakening with a deer who could probably model for a mythological cologne brand—Lumine suddenly decided to hit me with a brick of logic.
"Hold on," she said, like a strict but reasonable group project leader, "Can we, like... plan properly this time?"
Paimon hovered beside her, nodding. "Yeah! We can't just keep walking into immortal judgment zones with no idea what we're doing!"
Fair. Extremely fair.
I turned around, struck a thoughtful pose like I was calculating quantum physics in my head. but in reality, I was just trying to remember what Zhongli said during the last cutscene.
"Alright," I said, dramatic pause included, "Here's the game plan. First, we head to Cloud Retainer. There's a path, some ruins, probably a bunch of puzzle-shaped headaches and geo slimes waiting to ruin our day—but this time, we're ready."
"Also," I added, raising one finger like a professor about to drop a life-changing truth, "for reasons beyond mortal understanding... there will also be cooking."
Paimon squinted. "Why are you saying that like it's a boss fight?"
"Because, Paimon," I said gravely, "it is. Emotional, spiritual, and physical. That recipe quest nearly broke me in half during my last life. I saw things. Burnt things."
Lumine just sighed. "Okay, but we're agreed then. Cloud Retainer first. And no picking fights with passing Hilichurls unless they throw the first torch."
"Scout's honor," I said, lying through my teeth.
But then, as we walked a few more steps, I suddenly paused and turned around with my serious face. Yes, the one I only use for critical lore moments and when I'm trying to look cool in front of Nilou cosplayers.
"Wait," I whispered, looking left and right to make sure no immortal pigeons were spying on us, "this next part... is just between us, alright?"
Lumine and Paimon exchanged glances.
"I mean it," I added, pointing at them both. "Secret. Ssshhh. Lock-it-in-the-vault type of info."
They nodded, curious and a little bit scared.
I leaned in and whispered, "Rex Lapis... is actually still alive."
They both gasped like they'd just walked into a boss room unprepared.
"WHAAAAAT?!" Paimon yelled. "If he's alive, then why are we doing ALL THIS?!"
"Yeah," Lumine frowned. "This entire journey has been based on the assumption he was you know, dead."
I held up my hands. "Listen, listen, I know. Shocking. World-shattering. Plot-twisty. But it's true. It's just not time yet. That's a massive lore bomb meant to explode a few Archon Quests from now. If I drop it too early, we risk triggering a paradox, or worse—Zhongli personally showing up to bonk me with a rock."
They both blinked at me like I had just eaten a Flaming Flower.
"Look," I continued, "we still gotta do this. Not just for the story's sake, but because we'll need their help later. The Adepti are kind of a big deal in a fight that's coming up. And so is the Geo Archon. Even if he's hiding behind a fake retirement plan right now."
Paimon looked like she was trying to process a Windows update. "So we're gathering blessings... from people... who don't know the guy they're mourning is actually just—"
"—Playing house as a funeral consultant? Yeah. Welcome to Teyvat lore, baby."
Lumine rubbed her temples. "This place is insane."
"Correct. And now we're part of it," I said, puffing my chest out proudly. "But don't worry. With me around, you're guaranteed 70% survival, 100% sarcasm, and at least three emotional monologues per chapter."
"Can't wait," Lumine deadpanned.
"Let's get moving," I grinned, marching ahead like I hadn't just broken the fourth wall, a few lore protocols, and maybe the Adepti's collective trust.
_________________________________
End of Chapter 18
Quest Completed: Don't Die at Moon Carver's Mountain.
Sub Quest: Lore Dumped and Spiritually Confused to Confuse your Party.
Rewards: +200 Knowledge EXP, +50 Suspicion Points from Celestia and Zhongli for tampering with fate, +1 Deer God Slightly Annoyed with You, and x1 "Moon Carver's Slight Disappointment".
New Passive Unlocked: "Plot-Armored Idiot"